Running, reflecting, wishing... all the things

Ok, this week has been a rollercoaster!

Professionally it is. We have an ensemble performing for a state festival on Monday and rehearsals the past 2 weeks have been erratic at best. Between All-State band, senior event absences, testing, illness, and everything else I am forgetting, we haven't had the band together but maybe 4 times. Boy, is this proving challenging to faciltiate a cohesive performance. It's like people talking but not listening to each other. Readind a script with no acting. But... it does give credence to the dissenting argument to the idea that "knowing your part is good enough". The conversation is key. Monday will prove to be an adventure.

My former FIL was in the ICU with a masssive PE in his lung on Tuesday. I got a call and text from my son, with more urgency than normal. Once I got connected with him the message was " this is what has happened and I'm currently on 25. Wanted you to know" My response was, "I'll beat you there". All is well for now, but there was so much to learn and remember. #1 - no one wants to be alone in a hospital. So when they say " you don't need to come" never listen. #2 - family is paramount #3 - trust your gut and ask questions #4 - It's an amazing thing to see you child evolve into an adult. And even better when you really like and respect that adult. #5 - exercise and drink water

Played a non-traditional gig with a house band at a...uh.... "dinner theater". Oh my goodness. It was so so fun. I loved it. It was like a pro gig meets HS jazz and pep band. The house band was great and played classic rock charts. You could rock out in your chair. Some of the audience was dancing. It was just cathartic and I really did love it!

Going to San Fransisco was so good... but bad too. I now have a bug to travel and need to decide where, why, when and with who. I should just simplify this and make it easy but..... it's never that easy. And now, I return to want and need, hope and expectation. I don't want to spend the time to write down my thoughts now, but, again a summary is - Paris and Strausborg(sp)? Salzberg and Vienna? Back to CA for Monterey and Big Sur? Back to Ouray?? And what is more important - the where and the who, or the location and the expectation???? UGH!!!!!!!

Lastly, the whole dating thing is back on the table, but that too brings complication. Adventure and experimentation or distraction and substitution? In the end, does it matter? I'm really asking.... DOES it matter?

Das ist sehr kompliziert!!!

hope vs expectation - work in progress

So, ir's 10:30+ and my 2x a week 6:45am class is tomorrow, which means I should be trying to sleep. But, wanted to write down this thought from the weekend before I called it:

Hope vs expectation - the differences between the 2.

I have been.... vexed? by a comment someone made early in the year about not having to deal with disappointment as they had no expectations - specifically of people. At this point, I'm pretty sure I have twisted this up in some way, but this is what I remember. I didn't like this as it felt fatalist or, at bare minimum, a little depressing. So, I have been arguing it... with myself.

This topic came up with my friend and I and they said something for me to ponder - they agreed, in part, with the sentiment. I was shocked but then they explained. When you know someone, or maybe typecast them?, you learn what is their MO, their way, or maybe just about them. In that, you shouldn't expect behaviors or acts that fall outside of that MO, regardless of what you think or want. Hmm. In short, don't expect people to be who they aren't. That sounds like a "duh" at it's simplest state but..... I haven't fully injested the cool-aid yet.

I really do want to think the best of people, more often than not. But I never stopped to think that what "I" think is good, proper, kind, appropriate, etc isn't a generalized knowledge or state. Different strokes for different folks, right? So, it's not fair to expect these things.... sometimes. And what if you witness potential and possibility? Is the desire to see these manifest hope or expectation?

And it may not be wise to percieve or interpret the actions of others, save within the lens of what you know to be consistent and true of that person.

I really need/ want to think on this.

They did go to say that the kind of relationship can alter general expectation. I'll elaborate later ( maybe) but, from student to boss to significant other I really want to parse this out. I don't want to not have expectations - it actually angers me when people have no expectations of me ( another talking point) but, rather having expectations that are based in reality or even in history might prohibit disappointment.

And then there is hope.

So, here is the ball of yarn I hope to untangle a bit over time. Right now, need to sleep to be psuedo functional for class.

It is what it is.

No regrets, but...what's next?

So, my solo expeditiion actually went even better than anticipated. Save some unexpected exercise. A humorous story I hope I don't forget to share.

I actually have some anxiety ( coming to hate that word as it seems over inflated and gets far to much play time) about travelling solo. Emergency/evacuation/ drama - I don't actually have a lot of experience with these things and have little to no idea how I would handle them. But, if I think about it, I don't really think I'm that much more practiced with 2 or more people either. Perhaps it's just the comfort of 2 minds are supposedly better than one? But the "what if's" can overpopulate the mind and become stressful.

Facing this fear, I up and left. The destination I think played a part in setting my mind at ease. There's just something about the air when you are close to water - IMO - and I could feel that once I got out of the airport. From there, the public transport scene was pretty clear, easily discoverable, and easily managed. This is always a win! One of the reasons I sometimes feel a little "strip locked" in Vegas is not knowing how much or how easy it is to get off the trip ( past Fremont of course).

Then, there's the almightly to-do list. Always more fun when it's maleable and self constructed. I had a top..... 1,2,3,4,5,6... 6 things to do and was able to add 3 more by recommendation and happy circumstance.

I spent 3 nights, and really, 4 days away. I think for solo travel this may have been the perfect amount. I was beginning to hunt a little too much at the end.

I did learn to enjoy the solo travel and I think I am teachable here (which is a plus), but in the end, yeah...I love people. The initial day's boat tour was perfect as I really didn't want to engage folks on a travel day.. any more than necessary. So riding on the boat being told what I am looking at and taking pictures was more than perfect. Then a little walking and town exploring. Day 2 was a larger tour of the city and sites outside. There were 2 older women, friends from Wisconsin, who were sociable and fun to talk with. Then, being a proud UMD grad, I had on some MD outerwear and that allowed me to meet a youngish journalist and her 2 friends in from Germany. This collection of people, plus a pretty cool tour guide, made that tour even better - and I got several great recommendations of places to eat and a solicitation to visit Nuremburg :-)

Got to meet a friend that evening,( the no expectations component)and saw another town, which was surprisingly super cool. It was actually a super fun excersion and I'm so happy my friend could accomodate!!! It was short, but the place had a very interesting vibe to it. If the occassion would ever allow, seeing more of it in daylight would be nice too.

Road on the El Camino Real. ( and learned what that translated too) That just makes my nerd brain smile.

Day 3 was Alcatraz. Glad it did it, but want to do that one at night now. Based on recommendation, I went to visit the Coit Tower - but was grossly uniformed.I arrived about 2 hours before my boarding time, so I thought that was plenty of time. I checked the site on the web and plotted how to get there BUT...... I didn't think to check grade or steps. SOB!!! From the trolley car stop to the Tower, it said 15 minutes walking. Ok, cool, no problem. So, only about 1/4 mi of that was flat. The rest was an INSANE incline of about 300 ( I don't know - I was too short of breath to count) steps. Where I live, there's a thing called the incline. Yeah, I feel like I was training for it!!!! My legs were screaming and made of jello by the time I reached the tower. The vistas were very impressive. Then I went to the tower itself. Elevator OUT OF SERVICE! Yeah, that's not great news when the tower climb is 13 flights. I had to choose whether to lose the Alactraz tickets and climb or abort. I aborted, but mind you I then had to/chose to descend those stairs which I had just climbed. Sitting on the ferry to Alcatraz was a gift from God. It was windy as hell, but Alcatraz was pretty cool and worth it. Then, after killing some time on the pier I headed to dinner via a driverless car. It was pretty slick. But.... I don't often wear my seatbelt - don't judge. But the car stopped until I put it on. That was funny... and a little bossy really.

Dinner was at a pizza joint that had been hailed as 2nd best in the country next to a New York operation. Meh, worth the shot. There was a line, but running solo I was able to snag a seat at the bar with no wait. Ended up sitting next to a friendly ( not in the gross way) 45-55 year old guy from San Diego and 2 folks in town to see the MD basketball game. Then a Boston bartender came in for ice cream and to talk to his friend, the bartender at the joint I was at. We eventually all started talking and laughing - talking about B'ball MD, CO, CA, MA, accents, food - you name it. I had a flavorful cocktail and my pizza came first. It wasn't huge but too much for me, so I offered the guy a slice. He actually accepted and ate 2 pieces and then shared his pie when it came. I thought this was precious - who does that with a stranger?? His family was in a hotel nearby and he was taking food for them when he left. I gave him another piece of my pie and he gave me on of his for the road - AND shared a glass of red wine. All this to say the place and environment was so welcoming and friendly it was a highlight for me!

Day 4 was the symphony and Lombard Street. I won't recap all of that but to say, I so glad I did it, and once again,my legs are killing me.

So, what's next? I'm really wondering if I shouldn't explore options in tourism and travel for my next chapter. The whole COVID thing makes me question that a little but.... it's intriguing nonetheless. Stay tuned and we will see what the next months - years hold. It's a serious consideration though.

Battery is dying so, I'll check in later.

Get busy living or get busy dying

One of my favorite films is "Shawshank Redemption". I have liked it from first viewing, but, in the last 5+ years, I find it more philosophical. That quote by Andy, " Get busy living or get busy dying" rang hard in my ears as I made arrangements for an impromptu trip. That, and a line from one that was something in regards to "I don't rely on others" It was a little more innocuous than that, but the idea was to not rely on others to do things.

Though I totally prefer doing things with others ( traveling/ eating/etc) I guess the bigger deal is that I need to learn to enjoy things... just me. Yeah, I'll still want to talk about them with people, but the act of doing is all me.

When I was mentioning this trip, it was plan A of plans A, B and C. It's currently spring break. That alone, normally means restorative sleep. Granted, that too would have been nice but, from Jan through early March, it feels like I have been sick - warn down, to actually sick. That and, on a festival day, I'm under the weather and get slammed in the head by a cross bar of a bus door. Meh, now I have a scapegoat for congnitive lackings ;-)

So, I wanted to have an adventure. I was waiting for some sign that this was the "right" call. I don't know that "that" specifically happened, but my nayayers were less in number than supporters, and, the fiscal impact isn't insurmoutable. That was enough for me.

Let's face it, I don't know if or when I can make this trip again. I don't know if my job will exist in a year. I don't know if my health or anything else would not allow this to be possible. So. there it is. I chose to live.

Gotta head to bed. Early morning activities tomorrow.

Let's see how I feel when it's over :-)

Student Soundbites

I've been away for a while. Boy, constancy is work and I am failing at that. Here was just a quote from a student that made me chuckle, but that I totally resonated with. Note, this student has been out of school with an injury, but I still got what they were saying: " I've been alone with myself for far too long" Food for thought. Come on Spring Break!!

Starry eyed - brain meld

It's been a minute and some things have happened (as does in life, I guess)

I had been meaning to write for several days, but for some reason, I feel the need to be profound ( or attempt to when I write) For my students, I call it analysis paralysis. Yeah - screw that.

Books - back to this. I'm not a consumate reader by any stretch. I don't dislike reading, I just don't hunger for it either. I read by necessity or recommendation ( ok, WHY does blogger not have spell check?!?!?!) This attribute may be a shortcoming, but not one I feel handicapped by, it's just what it is. Happily my place of employment assigns reading. I'm pretty sure I'm 3/5 in completion so.... D's get degrees ( yes, even I am disappointed in my satification of mediocrity)

The last read was "Rescuing Socrates" by Roosevelt Montas. And, full disclosure, I audiobooked it versus reading ( even though I think i possess 2 hard copies) I loved this book and will read it again. I loved how the author loved learning and loved life... or maybe just greatly appreciates the journey of life. Learning and teaching oneself how to think via some of the great thinkers of the past. Yeah, it's pretty fascinating and I love discovering how people think and navigate life. It distracts me from solely evaluating how I'm doing myself.

So, this author came to school. He is an average height, latte skin colored, small framed man dressed impecibliy in what appears to be a nicely tailored blue suit and brown leather shoes. He looked like a consumate New Yorker, a well dressed businessman/ academic. But then, he spoke. Ok. I was enraptured. The man spoke so very poisedly without being forced or pretentious. You could feel his knowledge without him beating you into submission with it. He spoke about education being teaching one another how to think and discover life and truth, not to endoctrinate it. He spoke about servile education or education for servitude versus education for enlightenment. He also touched on practical real world applications of these notions and not simply the idealist philosophy of it all. Yup, I was in love.

that is a bit dramatic, but, in another sense, not really. He made me think and made it ok to think. To ask questions that make me uncomfortable and to know that such discomfort may be ok, if not necessary for understanding or growth... and/or change. I love that. I wanted to listen to him talk for longer than his time with us allowed. So, I decided to say 'hello and thank you". As I waited in queue, I was speaking to another colleague of mine, with a doctorate and a man I greatly respect. I was wading through all my thoughts, and was actually more overwhelemed with them than I had originally thought. My 'friend' offered me a distraction and a moment to recalibrate a bit. It's a weird feeling to realize you are thinking possibily important thoughts and configuring them into some semblance of order to not speak gibberish to a distriguished speaker, while simultaneously fangirling. Anyway, I shared some of my thoughts, and my colleague shared that completing his doctorate was his favorite degree because it was the one that changed him - or how he thought. That was super cool to hear and I want to hear more. My colleague offered an open inviation to lunch or coffee ( though he doesn't drink coffee) to discuss some of these things, which was a welcomed door.

It was my turn and, true to form, my head was dizzying. I thanked our speaker for coming and told him I had a few questions. My first was, he had mentioned doing classes/ seminars that weren't tied to the university where he teaches. I simply asked where and with what frequency. Though I don't visit NY often, i would look that up on my next visit. I then thanked him for sharing that he has a small circle of friends with whom he talks about some of these big life questions with. One question he asks is what those who have just completed their doctorates read after that. That shows a little of where their heart and passions lie. He reffered a book by a lady (who I believe he called a friend) "Lost in Thought" (which is now my current audiobook). I shared that this discussion he was leading is one I want to have, one I want to be a part of, knowing I will not be the biggest or most educated brain in the room, but having the opportunity and safety to have people to entertain the discussion with. I told him he was a person I would enjoy getting to know. Happily, he didn't rebuke the notion. I then asked him about margin as he had mentioned that. Margin - yeah, that's something I don't know that my current situation allows, but something I have to find. If you asked me what I did for fun, I would have a hard time answering you. It's not that I don't have enjoyment in my life, but I work in what is/was my passion. And, sadly, I do feel some burnout from it. He mentioned he's 51. Well, that's in my ballpark too. And, when he said that during his lecture, I teared up a bit. Why, I'm not entirely sure, but I did. I told him we were in proximity in age, and asked how he suggests to manage work, finance, life, aging parents and the unilitarian nature of life, while trying to find margin. He mentioned meditation as a timed margin - a planned margin. He has 2 younger children. But he shared that he too is managing a family, a martial relationship (which he mentioned has a reciprocity to it), work, aging parents, retirement and college plans for his children. Just him sharing that reminded me that every yard has it's manure - and it's flowers. And then he shared a Buddist? saying that "we are our companions in aging, illness, and death." It's so true. Not disparaging,just true.

I thanked him again for his time, and reached to shake his hand. He grabbed mine in both of his and thanked me for speaking with him.

And this is a moment in time that I will not get back, but that I will appreciate for what it was in that moment. My head connected, my soul, something connected with this special person. Not in a creepy or sexual or anything like that way, but something more special and intimate than that. A connection of mind. Even if it was not reciprocal, it was so special for me. Something I feel is so important. It's a thing ( I was going to write 'the' thing, but I don't think that is true) that I need in my life, for me. I need and want people to help me grow my mind and spirit, and I want to do the same for others... or at least try to. This is a fundamental need for me, and I think this is an important realization for me.

I spoke with a friend about this a little today and she said that she can count on one hand how many people she feels she has a relationship of mutuality with. She defined this as people who she knows who care about and invest into her as well as themselves in their interactions. I think I understood that correctly. It's the people who don't only hang out with you for their sake, but for your's as well. I don't think I am explaining that well, but I get it. I don't have very many of those people either. And now, the mission is to make sure to make time for those people - which can be more challenging than I think it should be.

And here, I stop as this could be an entirely different track, yet interwoven.

To all those, whether still in my life, or flashes in the pan that made me grow as a person in soul, in thought or both - thank you. For those I havn't met yet, I'm so looking forward to it!

Change your role or wait for someone to hand you a new script

Today is just a quick check in.

Topic 1 - found out a few days ago a friend of mine has just begun the process of divorce. It's different being on the other side of this. I mean you never know all of someone else's situation. In this case, the female had made passing remarks,but, anyone who is or has been married know you talk shit every now and again. I mean, no relationship is pooping rainbows. But, I had thought it was just blowing smoke. Then, I find out from the man in a strangely timed, off the cuff mention, that his soon to be ex-wife had done something.

Wow! I had no idea. I asked if this was a surprize to him. He said no, not too much since she had been caught cheating 3 years ago. Again, wow. I know that happens and I know there are all kind of reasons for it. But.... this had been a repeat offender. And they had worked on this - so he says. But, damn. 3 kids deep.

My heart hurts for this guy, but again, I only know the one side. It's the cheating that I can't reconcile. There are different motivations for cheating, but, they are all cheating. Emotional cheating and physical intimacy cheating are the two I know of. Does society only think the physical side is the 'bad' one?? Do people every talk about the first before it evolves into the second? If they are going to be recognized or ideally prevented, that only happens by open communication, right? If someone 'slips', that may be able to be recovered from, but not without a hell of a lot of work and rebuilding of communication and trust. Fear might totally crush that chance though..... or selfishness. I'm so sorry my friend is going through this right now. Really, I'm sorry for both of them, but I feel like the man was either in hopeful denial, or in total avoidance. This really sucks. It happens all the time, but that doesn't make the suck any less.

Topic 2 - a student shared their stress coming from their parental situation. This student has been removed from one parent for over a year. It's not clean whether this was by court decree or parent decision, but it has happened nonetheless. This is the anniversary of that year, and they are spirallign a bit. Then, the sibilings, who were residing with the other parent have come to live with the one this student has been residing with. And they are upset with themselves thinking this should just be an easy transition. Oh, friend - it's not.

A person's role in life is ever changing. I don't think I wondered about this much in my high school ( maybe even college) years. Live and do the things. That was life. But, we do have roles - one's we take upon ourselves and ones that are given to us by our situations. This poor student thinks that becoming the oldest sibling in the house, aka surrogate parent -whether anyone calls the eldest sibling that or not - is easy. Nope, it's not. Then to wonder what the parent expects or doesn't is a whole other ball game.

This kid hasn't had the hardest life, but certainly not the easiest either. I was so happy they dared to share any of this, and to share it with me. I proposed they speak with the school counselour as well, but, for this student to think that they had to handle this all by themselves, and that it shouldn't be that much to handle just guts me a little.

It's so wierd to think that in this "overconnected" world, people can feel more separated or alone than ever. And, even if not alone, there's a lot of crap in life, regardless. There's more to parcel out here, but it's a great reminder that, even in the greenest of lawns, you can always find poop in the yard. Here's hoping it becomes the fertilizer for stronger, better, wiser people and greater opportunity !! That's a good hope, right??

Adulting is hard - working version

Today - it is all state orchestra weekend. This is cool. A time to hang with colleagues, get crap done outside the classroom, and be on a college campus. ( Man I do love college campuses... but that is another topic)

Today, one of the discussion points was retirement. Hmm, retirement. What is that?? When do people actually plan for that? Is it only certain incomed people or professions that plan for that?

So the two persons who I was listening to ( particating tangentily) both are married. Both are educators married to educators, but one is active in personal and investment finance and real estate and the other married to a performer/ educator who is 15/20 years their elder.

It was good to hear this conversation, but I agree with the one party greatly - it feels overwhelming and, though I appreciate the need and value of it, I hate money. I hate the lack of it. I hate what it can do to people. Although, truth be told, I wouldn't object if a million fell in my lap either.

Another person I was speaking to ( another educator) was sharing how they were thinking they would take a year off of teaching. That they felt trapped in their job but didn't know what else to do. Trapped in the necessities of life ( no one can live in this state for 30K and be by yourself.) This person must be 10 years my junior, but I hear them all the same. It's that infernal question of "what's next?" along with "is this all there is?" and "what now?". I thought as you got older these questions had more answers, but now, I don't think so. My dad ( the cynic) says, " Once you get the answers, they change all the questions." Maybe he's correct?

Is this an age thing? A career thing? Or a 2025 thing?? No clue!!

But, at lunch today, a happy quirky thing - the directors I was sitting with sat next to like 7 guys pretty easy on the eyes and friendly. Since we were sitting at this high top long cafeteria style table, one could eavesdrop pretty inconspicuously. One of the guys said Outer Banks and Food Lion.OK - that was my opening. Got to talking about the east coast, Food Lion and Wegmans. This cracks me up. Long story short, these guys all work for the New Belgium Brewing company. Nothing but small talk and a good lunch came from it, but a fun time all the same.

Addition - Had to write this down for fear of forgetting it. IN the university performing arts center and went to use the restroom. All fine there but.... got stuck in the stall. The door lock broke. After 5 minutes of pushing and pulling the door, turning the lock, using my key to try to move the mini bolt, I made a status decision and.... army crawled underneath the door. I got out so, I'll call it a win. Army crawling out of the stall... well, that just checks out for my life ;-)

Can't think of a title.....

Took some days off. Those days have been full though. Work..... ah,yes work. But I can't slam work too much, as apparently I have given a great deal of my life to it. I didn't plan to marry it, but I joke often ( probably for the truth in it) that I did.

Also, during these days, I have been trying to keep in touch with "my people". Has dinner with one of those people last night. Granted, I was ready to call it quits at about 6 last night, but, we had scheduled getting together a month ago. It was important to me, so, home and sleep needed to wait. And.. no regrets. My friend is in the thick of it, in a way I can only listen to and imagine. And this/ these life struggles have been persisting for over 2 years. And, to no fault of their own - really. It's heart wrenching. And has to wear a person down. But they are doing everything they can do and all the things one could think they should do. I'm not at liberties to share details, but when people say they are going through hell, this person truly is.

I can't do anything really to help them. No money or effort I can offer can change their circumstances. I know that, and I'm not a fan of that fact, but not overly angushed about it. If I could,I would. I know that. But, that's not on the table. But, it meant a great deal for me just to spend time with them. And I want them just to know I give a damn. I want to hear about these trials, if they are willing to share with me, because, I don't want them to feel alone. Happily, my friend validated this - because I'm questiong if that desire/ need is simply selfish or loving. In my 3/4 life crisis, I find myself wondering "Why am I doing what I'm doing?" "Am I right or is what I am doing for good?" When they thanked me for hanging out, I had to share this worry with my friend and they started to cry. (Didn't want that, but have learned when you are motiviated to cry.... just cry.) They shared that I am one of a very few that reaches out and that shows they care, and they were very appreciative. That made me tear up a little. I want my people to know and show them I care - simply because I do. The self serving bent is that's not solely for the people who I want to know and care about, but because it gives me purpose too. I want to be some Pooh bear's Piglet because that gives me purpose... and the hope there will be a PIglet there for me if I should need one. ( There's a cartoon reference there. I'd post, but I'm not that savvy and not spending that kind of time rn)

Another new friend? I had brunch with on Sunday. ( Did I write about that already??) She shared as life changed for her, after her divorce and her only child has headed to college - that one of her realizations was that she didn't want to do life alone. I heard that so loudly. And, for as much stress, anxiety, burden, frustration and simple energy draining activity that my job offers, it offers me purpose and social direction (more than not) and connection. I, sometimes, would love to make a change, but to what becomes the daunting question. I was talking to a coworker today and shared a thought I have often - the grass may look greener, but the realities are a) everything that grows needs furtilzer that stinks and b) there's poop in every yard. The questions are how much and do you know where it is? Life can be really crappy sometimes ;-)

FOMO - yup. The fear of F'ing it up - double yup. These two things aren't overly compatible. It's interesting and challenging as hell to navigate them in game play.

The next pondering - direction vs distraction. Those two are another yin/yang that I'm not sure I have a handle on.

What's next?? Yup - that's the real question. And, at the moment, I don't have a solid answer, save hopefully tomorrow.

Let's see what it brings.

Balance vs baggage

Sunday - the day to try to get a hold of all the things that you have lost track of, that ran away, or simply fell off completely.

The conference is over and it was good. I did have a "well-shit" moment. Friday night, it is a tradition that a large group of directors go to a local german restaurant for dinner. I chose to go with a smaller contigent, but it was still very enjoyable. We pregamed at a brewery - it's super cool, it a multi-vendored brewery/ eatery that is housed in a renovated/ repurposed elementary school. Anyway, I shared a beer with my friend as it was the advanced hour of 7pm and I was already tired. And, most importantly, I had a friend willing to share!!

Our small party of four headed to dinner. When we arrived at the restaurant, ventured downstairs in the restaurant and said hello to all the people. I rejoined my party and ate 1/2 the meal ( saving me from grocery shopping this week) and throroughly enjoyed the company.

I asked another friend if they were coming (didn't see them) and they said plans had changed and were having drinks at the conference resort bar. I decided to pop in there after dinner. It was crowded as hell, loud, and full of faces that were 10-20 years my junior and many I didn't know. I did a lap, made the small talk, and decided to get the hell out of dodge. It was not a scene I wanted to be a part of that night... and that was a little bit of a sad first. In years past, I was able to sit at the bar or at a table and have nice ( though still loud) conversation with people I liked and respected. This year, I just didn't see these people (many just weren't there and/or have retired) and I didn't want to work that hard. It was a little surreal. It wasn't bad per se, just... different. And my friend and their associates were not there, so, that just added to the mix.

I have always wanted to go to a club in Vegas. Now, I wonder if I really want to....... I don't know. Maybe the right mood, right clothes, a little alcohol and an emergency exit plan still make that viable. Hmmmmm...... TBD

Today is chores. Got to have brunch with a really cool former band parent, did some small grocery shopping and saw a former colleague who is now handling a business fusion of womens' health, a B&B and a small meeting place/ convention center. This was fortuitous as I have been meaning to get on handling this stage of life with a little more structure. Hormones are a bitch. We connected and she is going to help with that.

Highest accomplishment today - I jumped my own battery. Yes, it was not really that hard, but, I had never done it myself before and was worried I would explode the battery.. or the car. But, I did it. And yes, I asked for help from someone who wasn't available first ;-).

Thoughts from today: 1.There are others redinfing their role in life - aka-somebody's mom or somebody's wife to simply somebody. It's good to hear about other's journies. 2. May need to fight with myself on the idea of dating. It 'might' be worth it. ( but, perhaps that's just easy for someone who's paired up to say)I may write about that internal argument sometime. 3.There's nothing wrong with only reading books on recommendation only ;-). 4. And a star thought today - learn the difference between balance and baggage - one keeps you grounded and one holds you back.

Back to laundry and meal prep.... and probably a nap. Here's to launching February!!

Trying to organize disorganization - too many thoughts for one brain - to much stuff for one life

Thursday - So weather almost made our performance ( these performancess) go belly up today. Snow came in late and fast. Ironically....mysteriously,...... by divine intervention, school wasn't closed today or even a two hour delay. This caused a great many people some strife, and pissed off others, but, it allowed our students to do their performance. These shows were in front of pretty discriminating and honestly judgy crowd. The fears of : forgetting something, the kids forgetting something, making an error that led others astray, missing an important detail, and all the other worries mounted from last night until it was show time.

These are normal worries, I believe. As a performer, I can worry if I'm in tune, if I'm going to get the entrance, play at the correct volume, in tune, with the right notes. It's a huge mind game in game play I'm still learning to do. When it's my students though, I can't let on this angst, for the possibility they jump into my struggle bus or even worse, add octane to their own.

Happily the performances went well, at least that's what was said. Perfect? No, but actually they never are. But I loved that my colleagues used words like musicial, inspirational and artistic. That's the best, and.... that's the kids. I don't make sounds when I conduct, but they do. They create the "magic" and I think they did that today. I'll listen to the recording later to be more critical and analytical, but I had fun on the podium and I believe we had fun together. I'll take that as a win.

One of my colleagues turned 50 yesterday. Ah yes, 50. I teach his daughter and son and his wife is one of our organizations leaders. I didn't ask what he's doing to celerbrate this event, in part because I know.... he's the chair of all-state jazz who performs on Saturday. So, he's hella busy. But, I'll follow up. My guess is that he will do something special with his family, but it's a big birthday, so I'll ask.

I didn't realize there were so many of us in the 40-60 window. I always used to think of people this age as my mentors, the people we look to for counsel and guidance. When did I become one of those??? I'm not ready!! I got to talk to another colleague who now has 3 kids and that's what he has time for ( that and work of course) I'm so happy for him but I wonder how he does it, when I get wiped from a 10 hour day of me and my job. I guess we all do what we have to do but.... it's incredible. He's a jovial fellow and I told him, being a parent and a band director makes him incredible, and he said " you're incredible". That made me smile and also made me want to punch him. But, I do smile at the admiration we have for each other just doing what we have to do.

That, and I saw 3 former students, somewhere in the music educator continuum. It's so cool and surreal to see them, and now as colleagues versus students. Just more evidence that the only given is change.

Tomorrow, I get to go back there and spend 10-12 hours with my music education colleagues and this will be wonderful, and exhausting.

This crowd is my crowd, but I still have to put my mask on. I will listen and censor myself ( with whatever level of success I can acheive that day) and take in all the information of career, humanity, friends, and life I can handle. I do love this, really I do, but it's also very tiring.

Then...( yup, someone hit the vamp or repeated section) I am trying to figure out how to do right by me, do what I want, and what I need to do. My brain has hitched itself to a cart with no giddie-up. Maybe my heart too, but let's keep that out of it. ( or is that the fundamental problem)

As I exist this year, I want to do it with people, with a person. I think I need to make myself be ok with not wanting/ needing that OR spending the time and energy to find a person/ people to do that with. Hmmm. My body reminds me it's aging everyday. I wish I felt 30, but I don't. And I clearly can't wait to again. So.... what to do. It's hard to say or envision what you want without feeling rediculously selfish. Do others feel that way?

Does being open mean being open to hurt too? What if one has been hurt and doesn't want to have that again? Does a closed door mean you don't try to open it unless it says "do not enter"? Bad analogy, but I'm having trouble coming up with a good one.

Last thoughts for today, although I joke with my students, I own that I have FOMO. I don't want to miss anything. Is that bad? Doesn't it just make my exsistence full, yet sometimes utter hell? There are only so many hours in a day, so many dollars in a wallet and so many breaths in a person. Why wouldn't everyone have FOMO? The crisis is in deciding what to do with those hours, dollars and breaths, right?

My brain is heavy, maybe a little cluttered. That's ok. One more thing to sort.store, and purge ;-)

Tonight is a night I would love to have someone here with me. Not to talk to, just to share space.... and maybe a TV. THIS is why I need a dog ;-)

So many things

Really, it's bed time.

Today was a little nuts. So much going on. Morning meeting, big performance tomorrow and dress rehearsal not stellar. Drama// crisis mitigaton about weather rolling in tomorrow. Basketball pep band ( but that was kinda fun) and performance nerves. Yeah,that's a pretty poor but complete good summary.

I had to "dash" literally during morning classes to and back from the 5 star hotel where the peformance is tomorrow to get my credentials. During the ride I'm listening to that book "Quiet" and start to tear up on the ride. And I'm like "Really?? Get it together!!" But something struck a chord. I don't know whether to blame thoughfulness or sensitivity or middle age hormones. SOB!!!

And, I can't remember what sentiment hit me that way. Looks like I am going ot have to annotate a print version.

Ah, I remember, it was the section about relationships between extroverts and introverts. The author was sharing about some of her research findings with various people. It was obviously a potent topic for me.... appearently.

Topics for exploration later - purpose vs passive. Plans vs fate. Control - truth or illusion.

And now, news of an airplane crash at Reagan aiport :-( Oh dear.....

Gotta sleep. Let's see what tomorrow holds.

Checking in

Ok, this is just a quick check in - in an effort to keep writing just a bit.

Breck was awesome, but my trip was cut short as I feared I left my oven on ( facepalm). I asked my former FIL to check to see if I had, but he couldn't get my door open. Admittedly it's a little tempermental, but if can do it,anyone can right?? So, when he called to inform me of this... inconvenience, I had to decide to stay or go. So... I decided to stay, but not as long as I would have wanted. Saw some pretty incredbible ice sculptures though. No regrets - glad I went. And.. the oven was off:-)

This week is again insane, but that is kind of the norm. Thursday 2 of my school's groups, one of which I claim full responsiblity, is performing at our state music educators convention. The preparation has been exciting, or at least not dull. I am a little anxious about the performance but cautiously optimistic as well. We will see how it goes.

Been audio booking a few things to listen to on my rides into work. One (from a small series) I'm reading from a series on an overheard solicitation - I might talk about that later - might not. The other is called "Quiet". It was a recommended reading for school to offer some enlightenment about introverts. It's been a good read, and one I should read again. It's been enlightening in its aid to understand others, if not a little myself. I will review that one later - when I'm not falling asleep.

Last thing tonight ( because I found it funny) Today was a 10 hour day. Again, the norm if not light. I was joking with one of my office mates that I feel like a wuss. I used to be able to do 10 hours without any issue. Now, I'm ready to plop on the couch or or just call it a night. I hate feeling tired when there is still crap to do and useable hours in a day. Right now though, it is was it is. Deep thoughts will have to wait for sleep to be indulged. ;-) Number next......

What do you want to do?

Good morning,

As I look over these writings today, yup, I have to own a level of obessive nature here. (shoulder shrug) I came back to another why - provocation of thought. I love, LOVE moments and the people in my life who encourage me to think/ be thoughtful. It seems there is an abundance of non-thinkers, and possibly stupid people in the world. I think that is another reason I stay in the profession I am in. For all the bullshit and bureaucracy that seems to have taken foothold in education and all the butt kissing and CYA'ing versus standing for what is proper and admitting error, there are so many brilliant, good people. I believe that's one of the few reasons it has any sucess and that the proportion of those people is directly corrolated to an institutions success.

Back to thoughtful. I have a very dear friend where I live now ( actually, several, but this one is my mentor, my older sister, my psuedo guru, etc) They are not infallible or perfect, but one of the most thoughtful people I know. Where I may speak while thinking, and even sometimes before thinking, my friend never does. I am tiring at times to them (known by their own admission) as I sometimes process too quickly and move before they have fully processed. They still love me as I do them, even though our pacing is sometimes not overly compatible. We figure it out.

I was speaking to my friend, taking advantage of proximity. We rarely see each other, even when in the same building. Why is it that time seems so hard to come by to spend time with people. This person is a colleague who essentially helped me raise my son and with whom I was a part of their family - still are, but where we used to see each other at least 2 times a week at work and 1 once outside, now I see them maybe 1x a week at work, if that. So, I took advantage of that time and we set an appointment to set another appointment to have a meal or coffee together. How sad that I have to schedule my friends in order for that to happen.

In talking to this person, we spoke of other closely connected colleagues. One has gotten physically hurt recently and is out of work. There is an impression of work avoidance. To explain obtusely, my specialization cannot be taught be everyone, regardless of how common place a subject it is perceived to be. A substitute cannot just pop in an teach this content. One may be able to do that with English or math ( level dependant) but we are more like foreign language - if you don't know it, you cannot teach it. Well, the amount and availability of qualified persons to substitute for this content is low so the planning needs to be higher - or perhaps should be. This injured individual needs to take care of themselves first - there is no contest there. But, shouldn't this indiviudal ask for help or pur someone in the loop to assist or take over their responsibilties? My close friend is navigating whether to engage or pursue that information or to keep distance and just "handle it" for a time. And, the staff back on the farm has to handle the classes this colleague isn't here to teach. That's ok, but additional responsibilty nonetheless.

My mentor friend gives room for variance of processing and engagement styles, and I really love hearing how they think about that. They have a background in psychology and it is so facinating to hear how they process and offer reason and grace to other's behaviors. Again, thoughtful thoughtfulness. Really amazing.

As i work to learn how others think and feel, I really believe I'm figuring out myself as well. As a science project, it's kind of neat to do. As a project to reach completion, it's extremely annoying.

Back to my other evening, someone returned my question of " what do you want for your "x" birthday?" I didn't know. So... I've been thinking about it.

My "x" birthday hits on what appears to be my busy season. It should be a summer scripted trip to Europe ( which I think will be my last under that organization) and as always, the beginning of a school year and all that brings. So, the timing is less that ideal.

BUT, the list of wants I think a worthy indulgence, so here's a glimpse of that list: - adventures ( even today, I'm convincing myself to go to Breck to see some snow sculptures as this is the last weekend that will be possible for me. - trips - Arches, Mt. Princeton hot springs, Ouray, Paris, Salzburg, Germany or even just NYC at Christmas time, London ( need to get my instrument looked at by the manufacturer - would love to see if I could tax deduct that trip. Oh, and the brass band conpetition at Royal Albert Hall) Santa Fe, one more Albuquerque balloon launch, San Fran ( may take sister and might not. She's been before, I haven't), the Maldives ( but I don't believe solo female travel is advised for that one) or whatever adventure I can hook my wagon to - shows - I got frustrated at myself for not having stuff planned so, for Mom's Day this year, I bought tickets to "The Book Of Mormon" in Denver. It isn't New York but, it'll do. And, I couldn't stomach going by myself, so I'm towing my son along on that one. - professional goals - yeah, this one is tougher. There are reasons, but not for this post.

It was a good question and one that I will think on from time to time. I didn't realize I didn't have an answer for myself when I asked the question. But there were other motivations for that inquiry other than fact finding.

As for that special B'day, that's still up for grabs. It'll be on a Wednesday so that itself is a little prohbitive. Perhaps a birthday month or a birthday year thing is better. My sisters friend had a super cool idea of hosting a dinner for all her friends as them just being together was the gift. How cool is that?

So.... I'm not sure yet and not sure I want it to be super contigent on others. But, if I'm to walk the talk, I need to give it some thought. Worst case, there's always "The Thunder from Down Under". It's important to have options ;-)

The fog has lifted so if I'm headed to Breck, better get going....

Faith, hope, and love

" And now these three remain; faith,hope and love. But the greatest of these is love." 1st Corinthians 4:13 But hope is in the top three. So, I grew up in the church, more or less. At least in my formative years. My dad is a self proclaimed athiest ( though I really believe him to be agnostic) and my mother was of Christian faith. No one in my immediate family is what I would call a "bible thumper" - save my one aunt, so it's not like to family did bible study or that all things were rooted in scripture. This isn't a good or bad thing - just what is/was. I became part of a church community in 6th grade, I believe, tagging along with a friend. I enjoyed the community and the lessons, I enjoyed the youth group scene, so I stayed a part through high school. It's funny now, I had an adopted church family ( with whom I have lost total contact) and my own social group in that church. There is much good to learn in church, but it's sad to me that some of the most perverse and insidious people also reside in church communities. I'm not here today to discuss my religious philosophies or positions, but rather to say the Christian faith has offered some good education for me. I'll leave that here and may return to that sentiment at another time. Today, I want to put some thoughts down about "hope". Someone said ( if I am remembering accurately) that "it is best not to hope. With no expectation, there cannot be dissapointment". WOW!!! This statement rocked me to my core. Honestly. I was immediately heartbroken without actually knowing I was, or knowing why. I couldn't believe someone I know would say that.... or even believe that. I can't remmeber the order of the discussion - if that statement was made and then the defense of a pessimistic position or vice versa. Regardless, I couldn't process this. I can sort of understand glass half full, expecting the worst pessimism, but I cannot understand not having... hope. After this, I began to conceed to some truth in the idea if you don't hope for something you can't be disappointed. I see, feel and recognize that part of truth. But, hope is a driving force, isn't it? Hoping to learn, to have an opportunity, to be better, to offer things and share to the benefit of others, to hope there are honest, intelligent, caring, selfless people in the world, to hope tomorrow will come, to hope to experience all the things, and to hope to have hope fulfulled. To hope ones efforts or labors are enough?? How does one live without hope?? Is it replaced with faith or trust? Or is it filled with something else. Or.... does that space stay empty?? ( my soul hurts to even consider that) But, yes, hope can faciltiate a shattering hurt. I know this. Yet, that just proves to me that I'm not dead - I can still feel and feel greatly. Then, if I can feel hurt that greatly, then can I not feel joy and love just a powerfully?? Feelings don't have preprogramed settings for mimimum or maximum settings. I love and hate that a piece of music or a beautiful prospect can take my breath away or bring me to tears. I love when I watch a romantic movie or have an 'intriquing' interaction, my fingers will tingle in a weird way ( don't feed me any bullshit about a circulation issue - this has happened since my teens and still happens today). I would actually like to know what Aristole would say about faith, hope and love. I'm certain he has some equation of relation and/or balance of quid pro quo, like one cannot have hope unless they have faith in agents that can bring to fruition that hope. Or, maybe love or the concern for things outside of one's self is necessary to have hope for good things and the faith that such investments can result in a favorable outcome. Artistole is such an ass, but what a litigator!! I can't think of things in the "chess play" manner he seems to. Hope = good. Does anyone hope for bad?? Ok, as I wrote that I heard my brain say " I hope they eat crow" " I hope they choke" " I hope they fail" so, I guess that answer is yes, people can hope for bad. Well shit. But.... hope is at least directional? I mean hope is often directed to what may happen, what is to come. You can't hope for things in the past, but maybe how people think of things past. I hope they learned something, I hope they knew how that hurt, I hope they are doing well. To have no hope makes one.... hopeless. There's that soul hurt again. Work in words with me here - I don't believe people are ever "hopeless" but when they don't have hope they are less of hope, right? Something, someone that is hopeless may have no direction, no desire, no vision. Or do those come from somewhere else?? Is that too dramatic?? Am I wrong?? Doesn't that hurt?? I hate that I hurt just of the idea. Then, we can argue the semantics of hope versus expectation. Though these are similiar I do not feel they are exact synomyns. Hope is a hope, a wish, a desire. Expectation is a demand, a contract. Expectation requires understanding. You can't expect someone to do something unless you have told them to, or unless it has been taught in some manner. You cannot expect someone to do something far off of the behavioral norms they have shown. One could hope for it, but it should not be expected. I think you can expect someone to "do their job" provided they actually know what the job is. I have found expectation and assumption can have a correlation that almost always leads to disaster, unless validated. My favorite line in education ( note extreme sarcasm) is " I taught it, so they should know it." Oh really?!?!?! By word alone you impart knowledge? Really? Were they listening to you? Did they understand what you said? Did they practice using that concept in any way or were your words simply enough to impart wisdom and knowledge? Such arrogance. But it's the "well, I did my job" scenario. You didn't see if you did it well, you didn't reflect on it, you didn't test it's success in proximity and then you get butthurt when they students cannot demonstrate knowledge and claim its solely their fault. Ok.... definite soapbox, sorry about that. But expectation should have measure in reality. Hope ( if used wisely) probably should as well, but hope is more open ended... more infinite, more possible without condition. I was/am really distressed by that brief conversation. I hope I'm not being overly dramatic about it. I hope that conversation was just a teaser or a momentary out loud processing and not a terminal state. I hope that individual allows themself the benefit of hope and hasn't been hurt too much to allow that possibility. I hope to know that person is ok.... in all ways one can be or allows the possibilty of being so. I hope....... ( first edit - may need to come back to this one)

Life is like vegetable soup - it's all in the bowl

Let's recap the last several days - the good, the bad and the ugly. An honor band happened this past weekend. This is where students from all over come together to create an ensemble and perform together. Pretty legit experience. In fact, it was those that made me want to be a part of the music scene really. There's nothing like being led and particpating with excellence to meet a common goal. Directors hang during this event: set up rehearsal rooms, lead sectionals, meet with each other and the conductors, solve problems, all the cool and crap that comes with the gig. It's great because we get to see each other, which oddly enough, is hard to do when we are all busy running our own programs. The first large rehearsal began with a student being taught how to lead a tuning sequence in front of the ensemble. In a strange turn of event, she "fainted" and fell 5 feet off the stage. I found out about this after the fact as I was in another rehearsal room. The other directors were great! Some were called to begin emergency treatment, the host director called their principal and got the school PT, another called 911 and the student's teacher called the parents of the student. Those remaining ( as there were over 20 of us) supervised the students who had to be relocated until the EMT's came. It was scary!! That poor student! The students who saw it happen. The visiting clinician. But, everyone handled it with such grace, and as a team in concert. Being a part of this special community came to the fore so much in that moment. I don't always love my job, but in that moment, I sure loved my colleagues, my people. Then, We had to determine if we were going to continue with the event, not due to that accident, but rather due to weather. The temps were low and snow was on and off. Some schools, or their AD's, cancelled sporting events or after school events, but no one here owns perforfming arts, so it was left to us directors to decide, and on our heads the result. We decided to continue, altered our times and counseled families and students to travel cautiously. In the end, it all worked out. I still don't know if I appreciate that autonomy or am pissed about it. If I knew admin had our backs, I'd be all for it, but I don't believe that. And it bothers me that governing agencies and AD's make calls about sports, but leave performing arts events to fend for themselves. I'll talk to my AD about that next week. On teh 2nd morning, I walked out to my car to find a flat - in snow and temps in the low 10s. Yeah,I wasn't changing that tire. I activated the phone tree and got a ride from one of my fellow directors. I was so greatful. I also got a ride home from another director. Again, go team! The following day, a spouse of a fellow director helped my put my spare on and made sure I got to the tire store safely. So happy to have these people in my life. Among these people we have had 3 parents pass, a husband who had a heart attack, a daughter's wedding to be planned in 4 months, various health issues, and a bunch of other life. Just goes to prove, eveyone's got stuff going on - and you never know until they share. I had a student in one of my ensembles suffer a full on panic attack in rehearsal yesterday. And they started to say how they didn't belong in that ensemble, that they were bringing the group down and that the band would be better without them. This student is one of the most diligent and hard working students I have ever worked with and is rediculously gifted. We navigated this and their friends were brilliant and loving, but it was wrenching to hear this student speak these things. I know how wrong that perception was, but the thing that hurt the most was knowing "their" perception was their reality - even if just in that moment. The heartache is/was so real. Oh, and I also got a text from a former student doing their student teaching that they had been cursed out by a kindergartner! KINDERGARTNER!!! I'm so glad they shared, but damn.... that's just nuts. Can't wait to hear more about what they did/ how they reacted after. And this is just a sampling of the 4 day work week, that isn't even over. Add this to this unsettled business I'm still trying to settle. Obsess much? But.... I can't just put it aside. Why??? I mean really... WHY ?? Logic should make this stupid simple, but I don't like the answer logic gives me. Can't logic just shout louder or ..... ugh, I don't know. I wrote another email. Yup, another one. Thank God for draft folders. I reached a conclusion that I'm not going to feel bad for caring. I refuse. Yeah, sometimes I'm intrusive, annoying, blunt, tactless, whatever. I try to be mindful of this, but I fail sometimes. But, I care, damn it. I want to know how my people are. I can't keep track of all those I'd like to, so I use FB, instagram, brief messaging, word of mouth, whatever else, to know. If I have a chance, I want to hear directly from the person, but I know that's not always practical,or possible. Damn reciprocity. But, I care. I won't allow anyone to convince me to feel badly about that. But, if in that desire I make someone uncomfortable, if my caring or its manifest is unfamiliar or unwanted, that's where the bad feelings chime in. That's not my intent or desire, but I fear it happens. Until I'm told, I don't actually know that I'm creating that scenario for another, but I don't want to even think I create a place where others to feel that way. Can I know in silence? NO!! So, am I borrowing trouble in thinking that I'm creating that scenario? Is silence a passive but clear dismissal? Is it unfair to ask? Is it an unfair expectation for a response or clarity? Then, if I want information, or limits, or just to know I'm understood, and continue to communicate to that silent wall, I know I perpetuate the problem. Man, I hate that. In the last 5 years, one thing that has become clearer is that there are no givens. Tomorrow really isn't a promise and I don't want to waste time doing things that don't make my life or other's lives a little better. That seems good. When it's hard to know what is right, maybe it's better to focus on what is good? Send that email or not? Yeah, I'll let that marinade for another day... or week.... year... or delete and try to ignore/forget. (I'm not a fan of that last strategy, as it always seems to come back around. Damn social/psychological boomerang) Guess we will see.

4 am - Am I a narcissist?

This writing thing may not be the solution I had hoped. I wrote last night. Wanted to write about a few things really, but was more tired to be productive. Had more thoughts reagrding my unsettled situation and wanted to text to apologize. Again. Then thought writing nothing was better as that's what I have been met with. Went to bed. It's important to know that I LOVE sleep! I mean adore it. It's my peace, my think zone, my imagination space - oh, it's all the things. I love it! So, when my brain wakes me at 3:30am, this pisses me off. I do what so many people do, I open FB and check out the scene. What comes up? Posts on narcissism. Oh geez. So now, I wonder, am I a narcissist? I don't want to be.( at this moment I am reading how many times I have written "I") Well, damn it. I'll keep mindful of this. I truly don't want this attribute. Can I identify one? I mean, can I see what is or do I change perception to what I want it to be? I know selfish people. I know people who have selfish tendancies. I know I can be selfish. But that doesn't make one narcissistic, does it? Self care is such a catch phrase currently, but where does the line between self care and self adoration fall? I was raised by a care taker. Not just a parent but a person who defined themselves by their ability and their need to take care of people. This has taken some place in me. It can be burdesome to be needed, but,it can be nice to be wanted/needed as well. For me, I think it is necessary. Note to self - explore Yin/yang and read "A Purpose Driven Life" In this desire to be wanted, how do you offer yourself without beating people with your avaialibility? Or, how do you fill that desire yourself when you are not needed or wanted? I think part of that question extends to the parent with adult children. Your role changes - how does one naviagte that? How much do you share and how much do you keep to yourself? This thought of hope came up too. One post said that the biggest weapon again a narcissist was silence. Well, double damn. That is what what is hurtung me right now. Is that true? Does that make me a narcissist? I don't want to know things to have any control over another. I want to be a help, a burden sharer, an assist in processing, a sounding board, a friend. I desire mutual exchange. I want to be recognized, in some capacity as a person. I guess, I want to have a value so as to not be so easily dismissed. Is that wanting too much? ( no sarcasm in that question) Is that being a narcissist? When needs/wants/ expectations aren't met, is the proper course of action to cease and desist? Cut and run? Cauterize the relationship? I don't want to. I don't think I ever want to take that course of action. My ex made that choice a little easier as I lost signifigant respect for them via a multitude of, what I considered to be, really poor decisions. That and, they made decisions that affected so many without counsel or consult. Once again, lack of communication harmed things. But, if he ever reached out, I would be accessible.... to a point. I don't want to be a narcissist. I really want to be a good person ( mentally, spiritually, socially - physically may need more attention) and really don't like that feeling that I have done something not kosher. I'll keep exploring this. But, it's time to get ready for work. May sleep come better this evening!!! Fingers crossed. Next topic - hope: blessing or curse.

Musings - talking to air

outine form: Midlife crisis? If the median age is 70/76, I am past midlife, so I'll go with no. Seeking purpose and direction - thinking I'll go more with that. Still bothered by interaction/lack thereof with an idividual. No logical reason for this. None. But, there it remains, and I am ricocheted between feelings of annoyance, anger, want, sympathy, questioning, denial, and maybe others I don't have words for. It's like an emotion vegetable soup. And, I have limited spirit, energy or ability to address this. UGH!!!!! I hate this. I would like to believe that I am not doing this to myself - I am actively trying not to, so I think. But the dissonance, the lack of resolution ( or maybe a resolution I desire) is wearing on me. And.... to think I allowed myself to get into this place. Damn it. It looks as if this interface is pretty quiet so, I've decided to write here, for now. I actually had taken a step away from writing as it sometimes strains my eyes and, as in other things, I can suffer from analysis paralysis - if it's not "right" or perfect, it's shit. So better to terminate. The irony is I teach others to perservere through that. Today, I am going to talk to that person, to see where this stream dies or branches into so many off shoots I can't keep track of.( The later seems more probable) And, I have set a time limit on this for myself, as I have other things to do. If anyone reads these, I thought that might help you be aware: Notes: I want to know about my people, especially certain ones, and their proximity or ease to reach matters. I recently wrote I have been blessed to cross paths with many people over my life. How to keep a pulse or track on them all is quite energy conuming and I fail often. For many of my high school friends, it is only through FB or chance interactions that I know of or about them at all ( there are a few I need to work to do better on that this year). Many of them have people in their lives, spouses, children or both. Some do not. I guess if I think or have an idea with some sort of proof they are ok, I'm ok. I'm fully aware that FB doesn't offer a great "reality" status check,but recently, I sometimes wonder if in person does either. Regardless, the hint or smattering of them gives me some comfort. You, I have little to no idea about. That may be by design, which hurts to acknowledge, but it's a possible if not probable reality. I'm sure hearing that you didn't want me to know or have contact directly from you would cut me to the quick ( A+ for antiquated colloquialism) but, it would end the wondering, right? One of those "damned if you do, damned if you don't" situations. "Knowing" can go 2 directions for me, one being entirely selfish and one being more altuistic. Selfishly, I want to know becuase I want to know. You have always been fascinating to me (and lets take any weird, romantic translations out of this, as I know where you stand there). You are one of the most intelligent people I have ever met. Maybe not totally socially intelligent, or youre simply a master manipulator, I don't know ( wow, there's a compliment in here, I swear) but you are a pragmatic, analytical thinker at a speed and ease that impresses me - and seems to be my total opposiste. You see things through a lens I don't have and I like seeing what you see, when you allow it - and hearing how you process and think. I really don't like that that opportunity for understanding or learning is so close, yet out of reach. You enjoy things a little foreign to me, and I like hearing about that too. You are "alone" like me (maybe) - a concept you seem to be far more comfortable than I am and I want to know how you do that too. I am not you by any means, but how do you handle or simply appreciate being alone? I'd like to learn more about that. I worry for you as you are by yourself. Maybe that is futile. Maybe you have all the resources and things you need, but, what if something 'bad' happens? What then?? I fear when or if I hear something bad has happened, far after the fact. I think that's anxiety, but it's real. I worry about my dad that way, but he has my sister ( which drains her). I worry about my former father in-law. My son has a partner so not worried there. I worry about my sister, but her situation offers some comfort. And..... I worry about you. I just want to know. It's a friend love worry and I don't ever think it will go away, no matter what happens. I may be totally wrong, but I never got the feeling you judge people. Maybe you do all the time and never say - who knows? I do have a recollection of you saying you hate people.... but, But in that thinking, that makes you one of the very best people to talk with - it's safe. I do judge (not gonna lie), but am much slower to knowing there are so many factors that play into why people do what they do. And, I try to judge actions, not people. That's better, right? This age of life, where our parents are aging, and so are we, is hard, IMO. Taking the selfish out of the equation, that is just fact.It can be heavy, overwhelming, or just dizzinging. I appreciate having people to talk to about some of the things that weigh on me. Some, I don't share for my own reasons, but I bet if I really wanted to, i could. I hope you know that you have people who care about you, more than they might ever say ( and no, I'm not talking about me) and just want to be there for you and know that you are ok, or that you know they are there for you if you are not. We already spoke about this, but I feels it deserves repeating. There are 1-2 people that I can say that about with 100% certainty, and there are at least 3 others that I'm sure that is true for too, in their own way. Parents: I trust you _talk_ with your mother. I just had a friend tell me I need to call my dad more often ( which I think is right). He is emotionally and relationally stunted and that makes things so hard. But I know me taking the time to talk to him, even if I'm going to hear the same story 4 times, is a way I can show I care that he will understand. Boys are challenging.:-). I have learned a lot about my dad and the characteristics, good, bad and ugly, that come with him. It explains some things about my own and family functionalities. I try to use the " keep what you like and learn to recognize what you don't" method here. I don't know if you feel that way about your mom as she is a woman with men for children. I'm sure you guys have "your way" of communicating, but I also suspect it could be challenging across the guy/girl divide. Maybe, maybe not. The comments you made about aging I heard. I understood part, and my heart broke a little too. We can't dodge that bullet, but I don't like it either. Truth be told, I don't think I have a great many years left, so I'm trying to figure out how to make the most of what I have got. Being with and around for people is a thing for me. Sharing things - adventures, stories, work, time with people is my thing. It makes me sad I can't with you. I don't want you to regret our conversation (the actual conversation and not the barrage of textual vomit that insued after). I was so thankful for it. It honestly took me a little of guard. And, then I wanted more and that wasn't fair. I am so so sorry. I would always listen to you. I desire quid pro quo, with some frequency, and I think that's just not something you want or need. I'm sorry I put that expectation on you. I have a script of how you can friendily shut me down or back me off. If you ever needed that, just let me know. "Terminal silence is a dull blade that pentrates and pushes in ever so slowly." - Eh, edit this. Silence without knowing the reason may be this. Sometimes, people need to be quiet - to process, to reflect, to consider. People like me just need to hear :" Can't talk about this now. May not ever. I don't want to OR I need time for myself on this one" Still not fun to hear, but gives reason, without being dismissive. And, that allows someone to respond "Ok. Know I'm here if you need an ear or a spirit to share with". My next thing to dissect is the optimist/pessimist perspective. I REALLY wanted to go fist to cuffs on this one - in a friendly manner of course. That "no expectations/ no disappointment" comment annoys the hell out of me. But..... I can recognise the truth in it, but can't ascribe to that. I'm actually going to try to use Aristotle ( we are studying him in inservice) to see if I can agrue my position better. Another time.....

Musings - cont

Today, there's a lot of stuff/ crap to do. its around 0 to -3 degrees where I live, with some snow, and I have earned myself a flat tire 2 nights ago. I had to rely on my friends to get me to work yesterday ( yes, on a Saturday) for my light 11 hour day. Happily, the work was lovely. I have a second car with an electrical short that occurs in cold temps, draining the battery. When I returned home from a trip, I attenpted to take fhat car for a drive and... its dead. Decided to wait to charge that battery. Obviously waited too long. 2 cars owned, 2 cars disabled. So,car maintainence is high on the list. Then, there's a very high profile work event uocoming quickly and the team is not quite ready. That action plan has to be developed, and pray it works. Then, theres always getting the house in order, quite literally. Happily, some friends i have seen just recently and ones i havent seen in months are meeting for some fun and libatiions today. This will be lovely, but i have to get myself moving to get the "have tos" done - but seeing and spending time with these people is a have to also. (side bar : I tell my students this often, that I love the word 'crap'. To me, most everything in the world, in a very reductionist way, is crap....EXCEPT for people. Things are crap - people are not. Thats why being with them is a have to) This is my life and its good - its fine. So, my thoughts on connection are quite high, probably to the point of hypersensitivity. And, of course FB puts something on my feed, which i have to check is accurately accredited, but gave some food for thought today. So, i cheat and am copying that here to consider later. But, this reasonated more than anticipated today: ( and, of course the quick "cooy/paste" failed the OG post i was referring to has disappeared, so I had to quick search its replacement. Short lesson - I may need to read some more Orwell in the near future) LONELY IN A CROWD George Orwell once said: “The most terrible loneliness is not the kind that comes from being alone, but the kind that comes from being misunderstood.” It’s the kind of loneliness that doesn’t come from silence, but from the overwhelming noise of a world that doesn’t truly hear you. You stand in a room full of people, laugh when it’s expected, speak when the moment demands it, and yet, in your heart, you feel invisible. You feel like the truest parts of yourself—the raw, unpolished, and beautifully complex pieces of who you are—go unnoticed, misunderstood, or even ignored. This is a different kind of ache, one that lives deep in the soul. It’s not about missing someone’s presence, but about missing connection, longing for the kind of bond that allows you to feel truly seen. It’s not the absence of love, but the absence of recognition—of being known for all that you are, without needing to filter or edit yourself to fit into someone else’s understanding. To be misunderstood is to feel disconnected. It’s like speaking a language no one around you understands, shouting your truth into the void, hoping someone will hear and respond. Instead, you’re met with blank stares, polite nods, or worse, a misinterpretation of who you are. The world seems to focus only on the surface, skimming over your depths, while you yearn for someone to dive in and swim beside you. In these moments, you may question yourself. You may wonder, “Is there something wrong with me?” or, “Should I change to make others understand?” You might be tempted to reshape yourself to fit their expectations, to dull your edges or brighten your colors. But even then, the loneliness doesn’t fade. Because in trying to conform, you lose pieces of yourself, slowly becoming a shadow of who you once were—a ghost of your former self. The truest ache of loneliness isn’t about being alone; it’s about feeling unseen. To feel truly understood by someone is to experience a connection that goes beyond words." Me: This is not entirely accurate of my persoective, but has some latent truths in there. I sometimes worry of parts of this for myself. And, with no authority or permissions, I sometimes worry of it for others. Then, I try to recall the serenity prayer - the one about accepting the things you cannot change, the courage to change the ones you can and the wisdom to know the difference. Yeah, This post will be one for me to think on for a bit. Now - time to get to work.

Musings

it's really weird to be on this platform again. But I have shit to say and this seems like the most convenient place to do it. So, I am now trying to write something I can't think of anything to say. Unlike when I'm not trying to write, and I can't make my head shut up. What are you do when you care, but you don't wanna care too much be all stalker-like overly needy, overly intrusive? You just wanna know, share that you care, "give a damn" if you will, want to know that people are OK. How do you do that kindly? I've discovered I don't have the bandwidth to care about everyone equally, as crappy as it is just say. But they're just isn't enough time or emotional energy to do that. And, how do you get to choose, or truly tell your brain, your spirit, your heart whatever who is worthy of that? I think I'm super lucky that I have a lot of people in my life that I actually genuinely care for and about. From Family, to colleagues to peers, the students, and parents of student students who I've developed relationships with. That being said, sometimes I can still feel alone, or more accurately, incomplete. It's great to have people that can resonate with what you're thinking or feeling. But, I have found nobody matches all of those things. My colleagues are fantastic to talk about work with. My adult friends are wonderful to talk about varying but similar life experiences. As I write that, I think that should just be enough.. But. What do you do when you're drawn to someone? And I don't mean romantically. I just mean drawn. There's something in your brain in your spirit that really wants to connect, to know, to share, with? You are actaully interested and respect them and yheir thiughts? And what happens when that person doesn't feel the same, or communicate the same way, or doesn't want to communicate? I suppose the sterile answer is to disregard and redirect or move on, but what if it's not that simple? Pragmaticism and actual feeling- Or maybe rational and irrational thought don't balance each other here. I have never wanted to be a person who doesn't have control of their own mind, and in this matter, I'm really kind of pissed off that it feels like I don't. I have let a situation that is self created take too much of my attention and energy. And I am highly unsettled that I don't know what the right thing to do is because no decision gives me peace. To disengage. And/or be overly passive is not my MO and honestly just makes me feel rude or dismissive. To push my own desire in agenda, feels arrogant and obtrusive, which also feels rude and antagonistic, which is not my game or what I'm going after. And to totally sever any communication ( plan to avoid any and all future interaction) feels excessive and just hurts. Yeah, at this very minute, this just is another one of those things that I don't know what the right thing to do is. hopefully getting some of these thoughts down will help me track that. I have friends where I am, like real friends as I define them, going through some really tough things. We talk and i know/ believe/ trust theyd be there for me and I know Id be there for them ( to the best of my abilities). But life is hard! I guess in some way everybody is suffering hard all the time. But no one here has the analogy to my life. Most if not all of them are married and/ or with children. So even though we are dealing with aging parents, sometimes aging spouses, adventures in child rearing, I don't know how many of them think about being by themselves. I don't mind being by myself, and at times it is actually preferred and appreciated. But it's not my preferred state, generally speaking. I think I've decided I like to share. Share thoughts, share experiences, and sometimes even share space and silence with people I wanna share with. I guess I just have to figure out what to do when the people, or a person I want to share some of those things with does not feel the same. That's another thing I need to spend some time figuring out and trying to make peace with. Not doing so great with that at the moment. And pretty pissed off at myself for letting one common place interaction allow me to consider that something more? Something more relational, quid pro quo, mutually beneficial, platonic thing could exist. Perhaps that desire is just highly misdirected. Or simply not possible. Guess I'll think on that. Things to ponder....