Thursday - So weather almost made our performance ( these performancess) go belly up today. Snow came in late and fast. Ironically....mysteriously,...... by divine intervention, school wasn't closed today or even a two hour delay. This caused a great many people some strife, and pissed off others, but, it allowed our students to do their performance. These shows were in front of pretty discriminating and honestly judgy crowd. The fears of : forgetting something, the kids forgetting something, making an error that led others astray, missing an important detail, and all the other worries mounted from last night until it was show time.
These are normal worries, I believe. As a performer, I can worry if I'm in tune, if I'm going to get the entrance, play at the correct volume, in tune, with the right notes. It's a huge mind game in game play I'm still learning to do. When it's my students though, I can't let on this angst, for the possibility they jump into my struggle bus or even worse, add octane to their own.
Happily the performances went well, at least that's what was said. Perfect? No, but actually they never are. But I loved that my colleagues used words like musicial, inspirational and artistic. That's the best, and.... that's the kids. I don't make sounds when I conduct, but they do. They create the "magic" and I think they did that today. I'll listen to the recording later to be more critical and analytical, but I had fun on the podium and I believe we had fun together. I'll take that as a win.
One of my colleagues turned 50 yesterday. Ah yes, 50. I teach his daughter and son and his wife is one of our organizations leaders. I didn't ask what he's doing to celerbrate this event, in part because I know.... he's the chair of all-state jazz who performs on Saturday. So, he's hella busy. But, I'll follow up. My guess is that he will do something special with his family, but it's a big birthday, so I'll ask.
I didn't realize there were so many of us in the 40-60 window. I always used to think of people this age as my mentors, the people we look to for counsel and guidance. When did I become one of those??? I'm not ready!! I got to talk to another colleague who now has 3 kids and that's what he has time for ( that and work of course) I'm so happy for him but I wonder how he does it, when I get wiped from a 10 hour day of me and my job. I guess we all do what we have to do but.... it's incredible. He's a jovial fellow and I told him, being a parent and a band director makes him incredible, and he said " you're incredible". That made me smile and also made me want to punch him. But, I do smile at the admiration we have for each other just doing what we have to do.
That, and I saw 3 former students, somewhere in the music educator continuum. It's so cool and surreal to see them, and now as colleagues versus students. Just more evidence that the only given is change.
Tomorrow, I get to go back there and spend 10-12 hours with my music education colleagues and this will be wonderful, and exhausting.
This crowd is my crowd, but I still have to put my mask on. I will listen and censor myself ( with whatever level of success I can acheive that day) and take in all the information of career, humanity, friends, and life I can handle. I do love this, really I do, but it's also very tiring.
Then...( yup, someone hit the vamp or repeated section) I am trying to figure out how to do right by me, do what I want, and what I need to do. My brain has hitched itself to a cart with no giddie-up. Maybe my heart too, but let's keep that out of it. ( or is that the fundamental problem)
As I exist this year, I want to do it with people, with a person. I think I need to make myself be ok with not wanting/ needing that OR spending the time and energy to find a person/ people to do that with. Hmmm. My body reminds me it's aging everyday. I wish I felt 30, but I don't. And I clearly can't wait to again. So.... what to do. It's hard to say or envision what you want without feeling rediculously selfish. Do others feel that way?
Does being open mean being open to hurt too? What if one has been hurt and doesn't want to have that again? Does a closed door mean you don't try to open it unless it says "do not enter"? Bad analogy, but I'm having trouble coming up with a good one.
Last thoughts for today, although I joke with my students, I own that I have FOMO. I don't want to miss anything. Is that bad? Doesn't it just make my exsistence full, yet sometimes utter hell? There are only so many hours in a day, so many dollars in a wallet and so many breaths in a person. Why wouldn't everyone have FOMO? The crisis is in deciding what to do with those hours, dollars and breaths, right?
My brain is heavy, maybe a little cluttered. That's ok. One more thing to sort.store, and purge ;-)
Tonight is a night I would love to have someone here with me. Not to talk to, just to share space.... and maybe a TV. THIS is why I need a dog ;-)
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