Ok, this week has been a rollercoaster!
Professionally it is. We have an ensemble performing for a state festival on Monday and rehearsals the past 2 weeks have been erratic at best. Between All-State band, senior event absences, testing, illness, and everything else I am forgetting, we haven't had the band together but maybe 4 times. Boy, is this proving challenging to faciltiate a cohesive performance. It's like people talking but not listening to each other. Readind a script with no acting. But... it does give credence to the dissenting argument to the idea that "knowing your part is good enough". The conversation is key. Monday will prove to be an adventure.
My former FIL was in the ICU with a masssive PE in his lung on Tuesday. I got a call and text from my son, with more urgency than normal. Once I got connected with him the message was " this is what has happened and I'm currently on 25. Wanted you to know" My response was, "I'll beat you there". All is well for now, but there was so much to learn and remember. #1 - no one wants to be alone in a hospital. So when they say " you don't need to come" never listen. #2 - family is paramount #3 - trust your gut and ask questions #4 - It's an amazing thing to see you child evolve into an adult. And even better when you really like and respect that adult. #5 - exercise and drink water
Played a non-traditional gig with a house band at a...uh.... "dinner theater". Oh my goodness. It was so so fun. I loved it. It was like a pro gig meets HS jazz and pep band. The house band was great and played classic rock charts. You could rock out in your chair. Some of the audience was dancing. It was just cathartic and I really did love it!
Going to San Fransisco was so good... but bad too. I now have a bug to travel and need to decide where, why, when and with who. I should just simplify this and make it easy but..... it's never that easy. And now, I return to want and need, hope and expectation. I don't want to spend the time to write down my thoughts now, but, again a summary is - Paris and Strausborg(sp)? Salzberg and Vienna? Back to CA for Monterey and Big Sur? Back to Ouray?? And what is more important - the where and the who, or the location and the expectation???? UGH!!!!!!!
Lastly, the whole dating thing is back on the table, but that too brings complication. Adventure and experimentation or distraction and substitution? In the end, does it matter? I'm really asking.... DOES it matter?
Das ist sehr kompliziert!!!
Saturday, April 19, 2025
Monday, April 14, 2025
hope vs expectation - work in progress
So, ir's 10:30+ and my 2x a week 6:45am class is tomorrow, which means I should be trying to sleep. But, wanted to write down this thought from the weekend before I called it:
Hope vs expectation - the differences between the 2.
I have been.... vexed? by a comment someone made early in the year about not having to deal with disappointment as they had no expectations - specifically of people. At this point, I'm pretty sure I have twisted this up in some way, but this is what I remember. I didn't like this as it felt fatalist or, at bare minimum, a little depressing. So, I have been arguing it... with myself.
This topic came up with my friend and I and they said something for me to ponder - they agreed, in part, with the sentiment. I was shocked but then they explained. When you know someone, or maybe typecast them?, you learn what is their MO, their way, or maybe just about them. In that, you shouldn't expect behaviors or acts that fall outside of that MO, regardless of what you think or want. Hmm. In short, don't expect people to be who they aren't. That sounds like a "duh" at it's simplest state but..... I haven't fully injested the cool-aid yet.
I really do want to think the best of people, more often than not. But I never stopped to think that what "I" think is good, proper, kind, appropriate, etc isn't a generalized knowledge or state. Different strokes for different folks, right? So, it's not fair to expect these things.... sometimes. And what if you witness potential and possibility? Is the desire to see these manifest hope or expectation?
And it may not be wise to percieve or interpret the actions of others, save within the lens of what you know to be consistent and true of that person.
I really need/ want to think on this.
They did go to say that the kind of relationship can alter general expectation. I'll elaborate later ( maybe) but, from student to boss to significant other I really want to parse this out. I don't want to not have expectations - it actually angers me when people have no expectations of me ( another talking point) but, rather having expectations that are based in reality or even in history might prohibit disappointment.
And then there is hope.
So, here is the ball of yarn I hope to untangle a bit over time. Right now, need to sleep to be psuedo functional for class.
It is what it is.
Hope vs expectation - the differences between the 2.
I have been.... vexed? by a comment someone made early in the year about not having to deal with disappointment as they had no expectations - specifically of people. At this point, I'm pretty sure I have twisted this up in some way, but this is what I remember. I didn't like this as it felt fatalist or, at bare minimum, a little depressing. So, I have been arguing it... with myself.
This topic came up with my friend and I and they said something for me to ponder - they agreed, in part, with the sentiment. I was shocked but then they explained. When you know someone, or maybe typecast them?, you learn what is their MO, their way, or maybe just about them. In that, you shouldn't expect behaviors or acts that fall outside of that MO, regardless of what you think or want. Hmm. In short, don't expect people to be who they aren't. That sounds like a "duh" at it's simplest state but..... I haven't fully injested the cool-aid yet.
I really do want to think the best of people, more often than not. But I never stopped to think that what "I" think is good, proper, kind, appropriate, etc isn't a generalized knowledge or state. Different strokes for different folks, right? So, it's not fair to expect these things.... sometimes. And what if you witness potential and possibility? Is the desire to see these manifest hope or expectation?
And it may not be wise to percieve or interpret the actions of others, save within the lens of what you know to be consistent and true of that person.
I really need/ want to think on this.
They did go to say that the kind of relationship can alter general expectation. I'll elaborate later ( maybe) but, from student to boss to significant other I really want to parse this out. I don't want to not have expectations - it actually angers me when people have no expectations of me ( another talking point) but, rather having expectations that are based in reality or even in history might prohibit disappointment.
And then there is hope.
So, here is the ball of yarn I hope to untangle a bit over time. Right now, need to sleep to be psuedo functional for class.
It is what it is.
Thursday, March 27, 2025
No regrets, but...what's next?
So, my solo expeditiion actually went even better than anticipated. Save some unexpected exercise. A humorous story I hope I don't forget to share.
I actually have some anxiety ( coming to hate that word as it seems over inflated and gets far to much play time) about travelling solo. Emergency/evacuation/ drama - I don't actually have a lot of experience with these things and have little to no idea how I would handle them. But, if I think about it, I don't really think I'm that much more practiced with 2 or more people either. Perhaps it's just the comfort of 2 minds are supposedly better than one? But the "what if's" can overpopulate the mind and become stressful.
Facing this fear, I up and left. The destination I think played a part in setting my mind at ease. There's just something about the air when you are close to water - IMO - and I could feel that once I got out of the airport. From there, the public transport scene was pretty clear, easily discoverable, and easily managed. This is always a win! One of the reasons I sometimes feel a little "strip locked" in Vegas is not knowing how much or how easy it is to get off the trip ( past Fremont of course).
Then, there's the almightly to-do list. Always more fun when it's maleable and self constructed. I had a top..... 1,2,3,4,5,6... 6 things to do and was able to add 3 more by recommendation and happy circumstance.
I spent 3 nights, and really, 4 days away. I think for solo travel this may have been the perfect amount. I was beginning to hunt a little too much at the end.
I did learn to enjoy the solo travel and I think I am teachable here (which is a plus), but in the end, yeah...I love people. The initial day's boat tour was perfect as I really didn't want to engage folks on a travel day.. any more than necessary. So riding on the boat being told what I am looking at and taking pictures was more than perfect. Then a little walking and town exploring. Day 2 was a larger tour of the city and sites outside. There were 2 older women, friends from Wisconsin, who were sociable and fun to talk with. Then, being a proud UMD grad, I had on some MD outerwear and that allowed me to meet a youngish journalist and her 2 friends in from Germany. This collection of people, plus a pretty cool tour guide, made that tour even better - and I got several great recommendations of places to eat and a solicitation to visit Nuremburg :-)
Got to meet a friend that evening,( the no expectations component)and saw another town, which was surprisingly super cool. It was actually a super fun excersion and I'm so happy my friend could accomodate!!! It was short, but the place had a very interesting vibe to it. If the occassion would ever allow, seeing more of it in daylight would be nice too.
Road on the El Camino Real. ( and learned what that translated too) That just makes my nerd brain smile.
Day 3 was Alcatraz. Glad it did it, but want to do that one at night now. Based on recommendation, I went to visit the Coit Tower - but was grossly uniformed.I arrived about 2 hours before my boarding time, so I thought that was plenty of time. I checked the site on the web and plotted how to get there BUT...... I didn't think to check grade or steps. SOB!!! From the trolley car stop to the Tower, it said 15 minutes walking. Ok, cool, no problem. So, only about 1/4 mi of that was flat. The rest was an INSANE incline of about 300 ( I don't know - I was too short of breath to count) steps. Where I live, there's a thing called the incline. Yeah, I feel like I was training for it!!!! My legs were screaming and made of jello by the time I reached the tower. The vistas were very impressive. Then I went to the tower itself. Elevator OUT OF SERVICE! Yeah, that's not great news when the tower climb is 13 flights. I had to choose whether to lose the Alactraz tickets and climb or abort. I aborted, but mind you I then had to/chose to descend those stairs which I had just climbed. Sitting on the ferry to Alcatraz was a gift from God. It was windy as hell, but Alcatraz was pretty cool and worth it. Then, after killing some time on the pier I headed to dinner via a driverless car. It was pretty slick. But.... I don't often wear my seatbelt - don't judge. But the car stopped until I put it on. That was funny... and a little bossy really.
Dinner was at a pizza joint that had been hailed as 2nd best in the country next to a New York operation. Meh, worth the shot. There was a line, but running solo I was able to snag a seat at the bar with no wait. Ended up sitting next to a friendly ( not in the gross way) 45-55 year old guy from San Diego and 2 folks in town to see the MD basketball game. Then a Boston bartender came in for ice cream and to talk to his friend, the bartender at the joint I was at. We eventually all started talking and laughing - talking about B'ball MD, CO, CA, MA, accents, food - you name it. I had a flavorful cocktail and my pizza came first. It wasn't huge but too much for me, so I offered the guy a slice. He actually accepted and ate 2 pieces and then shared his pie when it came. I thought this was precious - who does that with a stranger?? His family was in a hotel nearby and he was taking food for them when he left. I gave him another piece of my pie and he gave me on of his for the road - AND shared a glass of red wine. All this to say the place and environment was so welcoming and friendly it was a highlight for me!
Day 4 was the symphony and Lombard Street. I won't recap all of that but to say, I so glad I did it, and once again,my legs are killing me.
So, what's next? I'm really wondering if I shouldn't explore options in tourism and travel for my next chapter. The whole COVID thing makes me question that a little but.... it's intriguing nonetheless. Stay tuned and we will see what the next months - years hold. It's a serious consideration though.
Battery is dying so, I'll check in later.
I actually have some anxiety ( coming to hate that word as it seems over inflated and gets far to much play time) about travelling solo. Emergency/evacuation/ drama - I don't actually have a lot of experience with these things and have little to no idea how I would handle them. But, if I think about it, I don't really think I'm that much more practiced with 2 or more people either. Perhaps it's just the comfort of 2 minds are supposedly better than one? But the "what if's" can overpopulate the mind and become stressful.
Facing this fear, I up and left. The destination I think played a part in setting my mind at ease. There's just something about the air when you are close to water - IMO - and I could feel that once I got out of the airport. From there, the public transport scene was pretty clear, easily discoverable, and easily managed. This is always a win! One of the reasons I sometimes feel a little "strip locked" in Vegas is not knowing how much or how easy it is to get off the trip ( past Fremont of course).
Then, there's the almightly to-do list. Always more fun when it's maleable and self constructed. I had a top..... 1,2,3,4,5,6... 6 things to do and was able to add 3 more by recommendation and happy circumstance.
I spent 3 nights, and really, 4 days away. I think for solo travel this may have been the perfect amount. I was beginning to hunt a little too much at the end.
I did learn to enjoy the solo travel and I think I am teachable here (which is a plus), but in the end, yeah...I love people. The initial day's boat tour was perfect as I really didn't want to engage folks on a travel day.. any more than necessary. So riding on the boat being told what I am looking at and taking pictures was more than perfect. Then a little walking and town exploring. Day 2 was a larger tour of the city and sites outside. There were 2 older women, friends from Wisconsin, who were sociable and fun to talk with. Then, being a proud UMD grad, I had on some MD outerwear and that allowed me to meet a youngish journalist and her 2 friends in from Germany. This collection of people, plus a pretty cool tour guide, made that tour even better - and I got several great recommendations of places to eat and a solicitation to visit Nuremburg :-)
Got to meet a friend that evening,( the no expectations component)and saw another town, which was surprisingly super cool. It was actually a super fun excersion and I'm so happy my friend could accomodate!!! It was short, but the place had a very interesting vibe to it. If the occassion would ever allow, seeing more of it in daylight would be nice too.
Road on the El Camino Real. ( and learned what that translated too) That just makes my nerd brain smile.
Day 3 was Alcatraz. Glad it did it, but want to do that one at night now. Based on recommendation, I went to visit the Coit Tower - but was grossly uniformed.I arrived about 2 hours before my boarding time, so I thought that was plenty of time. I checked the site on the web and plotted how to get there BUT...... I didn't think to check grade or steps. SOB!!! From the trolley car stop to the Tower, it said 15 minutes walking. Ok, cool, no problem. So, only about 1/4 mi of that was flat. The rest was an INSANE incline of about 300 ( I don't know - I was too short of breath to count) steps. Where I live, there's a thing called the incline. Yeah, I feel like I was training for it!!!! My legs were screaming and made of jello by the time I reached the tower. The vistas were very impressive. Then I went to the tower itself. Elevator OUT OF SERVICE! Yeah, that's not great news when the tower climb is 13 flights. I had to choose whether to lose the Alactraz tickets and climb or abort. I aborted, but mind you I then had to/chose to descend those stairs which I had just climbed. Sitting on the ferry to Alcatraz was a gift from God. It was windy as hell, but Alcatraz was pretty cool and worth it. Then, after killing some time on the pier I headed to dinner via a driverless car. It was pretty slick. But.... I don't often wear my seatbelt - don't judge. But the car stopped until I put it on. That was funny... and a little bossy really.
Dinner was at a pizza joint that had been hailed as 2nd best in the country next to a New York operation. Meh, worth the shot. There was a line, but running solo I was able to snag a seat at the bar with no wait. Ended up sitting next to a friendly ( not in the gross way) 45-55 year old guy from San Diego and 2 folks in town to see the MD basketball game. Then a Boston bartender came in for ice cream and to talk to his friend, the bartender at the joint I was at. We eventually all started talking and laughing - talking about B'ball MD, CO, CA, MA, accents, food - you name it. I had a flavorful cocktail and my pizza came first. It wasn't huge but too much for me, so I offered the guy a slice. He actually accepted and ate 2 pieces and then shared his pie when it came. I thought this was precious - who does that with a stranger?? His family was in a hotel nearby and he was taking food for them when he left. I gave him another piece of my pie and he gave me on of his for the road - AND shared a glass of red wine. All this to say the place and environment was so welcoming and friendly it was a highlight for me!
Day 4 was the symphony and Lombard Street. I won't recap all of that but to say, I so glad I did it, and once again,my legs are killing me.
So, what's next? I'm really wondering if I shouldn't explore options in tourism and travel for my next chapter. The whole COVID thing makes me question that a little but.... it's intriguing nonetheless. Stay tuned and we will see what the next months - years hold. It's a serious consideration though.
Battery is dying so, I'll check in later.
Monday, March 24, 2025
Get busy living or get busy dying
One of my favorite films is "Shawshank Redemption". I have liked it from first viewing, but, in the last 5+ years, I find it more philosophical. That quote by Andy, " Get busy living or get busy dying" rang hard in my ears as I made arrangements for an impromptu trip. That, and a line from one that was something in regards to "I don't rely on others" It was a little more innocuous than that, but the idea was to not rely on others to do things.
Though I totally prefer doing things with others ( traveling/ eating/etc) I guess the bigger deal is that I need to learn to enjoy things... just me. Yeah, I'll still want to talk about them with people, but the act of doing is all me.
When I was mentioning this trip, it was plan A of plans A, B and C. It's currently spring break. That alone, normally means restorative sleep. Granted, that too would have been nice but, from Jan through early March, it feels like I have been sick - warn down, to actually sick. That and, on a festival day, I'm under the weather and get slammed in the head by a cross bar of a bus door. Meh, now I have a scapegoat for congnitive lackings ;-)
So, I wanted to have an adventure. I was waiting for some sign that this was the "right" call. I don't know that "that" specifically happened, but my nayayers were less in number than supporters, and, the fiscal impact isn't insurmoutable. That was enough for me.
Let's face it, I don't know if or when I can make this trip again. I don't know if my job will exist in a year. I don't know if my health or anything else would not allow this to be possible. So. there it is. I chose to live.
Gotta head to bed. Early morning activities tomorrow.
Let's see how I feel when it's over :-)
Though I totally prefer doing things with others ( traveling/ eating/etc) I guess the bigger deal is that I need to learn to enjoy things... just me. Yeah, I'll still want to talk about them with people, but the act of doing is all me.
When I was mentioning this trip, it was plan A of plans A, B and C. It's currently spring break. That alone, normally means restorative sleep. Granted, that too would have been nice but, from Jan through early March, it feels like I have been sick - warn down, to actually sick. That and, on a festival day, I'm under the weather and get slammed in the head by a cross bar of a bus door. Meh, now I have a scapegoat for congnitive lackings ;-)
So, I wanted to have an adventure. I was waiting for some sign that this was the "right" call. I don't know that "that" specifically happened, but my nayayers were less in number than supporters, and, the fiscal impact isn't insurmoutable. That was enough for me.
Let's face it, I don't know if or when I can make this trip again. I don't know if my job will exist in a year. I don't know if my health or anything else would not allow this to be possible. So. there it is. I chose to live.
Gotta head to bed. Early morning activities tomorrow.
Let's see how I feel when it's over :-)
Tuesday, March 18, 2025
Student Soundbites
I've been away for a while. Boy, constancy is work and I am failing at that.
Here was just a quote from a student that made me chuckle, but that I totally resonated with. Note, this student has been out of school with an injury, but I still got what they were saying:
" I've been alone with myself for far too long"
Food for thought.
Come on Spring Break!!
Monday, February 17, 2025
Starry eyed - brain meld
It's been a minute and some things have happened (as does in life, I guess)
I had been meaning to write for several days, but for some reason, I feel the need to be profound ( or attempt to when I write) For my students, I call it analysis paralysis. Yeah - screw that.
Books - back to this. I'm not a consumate reader by any stretch. I don't dislike reading, I just don't hunger for it either. I read by necessity or recommendation ( ok, WHY does blogger not have spell check?!?!?!) This attribute may be a shortcoming, but not one I feel handicapped by, it's just what it is. Happily my place of employment assigns reading. I'm pretty sure I'm 3/5 in completion so.... D's get degrees ( yes, even I am disappointed in my satification of mediocrity)
The last read was "Rescuing Socrates" by Roosevelt Montas. And, full disclosure, I audiobooked it versus reading ( even though I think i possess 2 hard copies) I loved this book and will read it again. I loved how the author loved learning and loved life... or maybe just greatly appreciates the journey of life. Learning and teaching oneself how to think via some of the great thinkers of the past. Yeah, it's pretty fascinating and I love discovering how people think and navigate life. It distracts me from solely evaluating how I'm doing myself.
So, this author came to school. He is an average height, latte skin colored, small framed man dressed impecibliy in what appears to be a nicely tailored blue suit and brown leather shoes. He looked like a consumate New Yorker, a well dressed businessman/ academic. But then, he spoke. Ok. I was enraptured. The man spoke so very poisedly without being forced or pretentious. You could feel his knowledge without him beating you into submission with it. He spoke about education being teaching one another how to think and discover life and truth, not to endoctrinate it. He spoke about servile education or education for servitude versus education for enlightenment. He also touched on practical real world applications of these notions and not simply the idealist philosophy of it all. Yup, I was in love.
that is a bit dramatic, but, in another sense, not really. He made me think and made it ok to think. To ask questions that make me uncomfortable and to know that such discomfort may be ok, if not necessary for understanding or growth... and/or change. I love that. I wanted to listen to him talk for longer than his time with us allowed. So, I decided to say 'hello and thank you". As I waited in queue, I was speaking to another colleague of mine, with a doctorate and a man I greatly respect. I was wading through all my thoughts, and was actually more overwhelemed with them than I had originally thought. My 'friend' offered me a distraction and a moment to recalibrate a bit. It's a weird feeling to realize you are thinking possibily important thoughts and configuring them into some semblance of order to not speak gibberish to a distriguished speaker, while simultaneously fangirling. Anyway, I shared some of my thoughts, and my colleague shared that completing his doctorate was his favorite degree because it was the one that changed him - or how he thought. That was super cool to hear and I want to hear more. My colleague offered an open inviation to lunch or coffee ( though he doesn't drink coffee) to discuss some of these things, which was a welcomed door.
It was my turn and, true to form, my head was dizzying. I thanked our speaker for coming and told him I had a few questions. My first was, he had mentioned doing classes/ seminars that weren't tied to the university where he teaches. I simply asked where and with what frequency. Though I don't visit NY often, i would look that up on my next visit. I then thanked him for sharing that he has a small circle of friends with whom he talks about some of these big life questions with. One question he asks is what those who have just completed their doctorates read after that. That shows a little of where their heart and passions lie. He reffered a book by a lady (who I believe he called a friend) "Lost in Thought" (which is now my current audiobook). I shared that this discussion he was leading is one I want to have, one I want to be a part of, knowing I will not be the biggest or most educated brain in the room, but having the opportunity and safety to have people to entertain the discussion with. I told him he was a person I would enjoy getting to know. Happily, he didn't rebuke the notion. I then asked him about margin as he had mentioned that. Margin - yeah, that's something I don't know that my current situation allows, but something I have to find. If you asked me what I did for fun, I would have a hard time answering you. It's not that I don't have enjoyment in my life, but I work in what is/was my passion. And, sadly, I do feel some burnout from it. He mentioned he's 51. Well, that's in my ballpark too. And, when he said that during his lecture, I teared up a bit. Why, I'm not entirely sure, but I did. I told him we were in proximity in age, and asked how he suggests to manage work, finance, life, aging parents and the unilitarian nature of life, while trying to find margin. He mentioned meditation as a timed margin - a planned margin. He has 2 younger children. But he shared that he too is managing a family, a martial relationship (which he mentioned has a reciprocity to it), work, aging parents, retirement and college plans for his children. Just him sharing that reminded me that every yard has it's manure - and it's flowers. And then he shared a Buddist? saying that "we are our companions in aging, illness, and death." It's so true. Not disparaging,just true.
I thanked him again for his time, and reached to shake his hand. He grabbed mine in both of his and thanked me for speaking with him.
And this is a moment in time that I will not get back, but that I will appreciate for what it was in that moment. My head connected, my soul, something connected with this special person. Not in a creepy or sexual or anything like that way, but something more special and intimate than that. A connection of mind. Even if it was not reciprocal, it was so special for me. Something I feel is so important. It's a thing ( I was going to write 'the' thing, but I don't think that is true) that I need in my life, for me. I need and want people to help me grow my mind and spirit, and I want to do the same for others... or at least try to. This is a fundamental need for me, and I think this is an important realization for me.
I spoke with a friend about this a little today and she said that she can count on one hand how many people she feels she has a relationship of mutuality with. She defined this as people who she knows who care about and invest into her as well as themselves in their interactions. I think I understood that correctly. It's the people who don't only hang out with you for their sake, but for your's as well. I don't think I am explaining that well, but I get it. I don't have very many of those people either. And now, the mission is to make sure to make time for those people - which can be more challenging than I think it should be.
And here, I stop as this could be an entirely different track, yet interwoven.
To all those, whether still in my life, or flashes in the pan that made me grow as a person in soul, in thought or both - thank you. For those I havn't met yet, I'm so looking forward to it!
I had been meaning to write for several days, but for some reason, I feel the need to be profound ( or attempt to when I write) For my students, I call it analysis paralysis. Yeah - screw that.
Books - back to this. I'm not a consumate reader by any stretch. I don't dislike reading, I just don't hunger for it either. I read by necessity or recommendation ( ok, WHY does blogger not have spell check?!?!?!) This attribute may be a shortcoming, but not one I feel handicapped by, it's just what it is. Happily my place of employment assigns reading. I'm pretty sure I'm 3/5 in completion so.... D's get degrees ( yes, even I am disappointed in my satification of mediocrity)
The last read was "Rescuing Socrates" by Roosevelt Montas. And, full disclosure, I audiobooked it versus reading ( even though I think i possess 2 hard copies) I loved this book and will read it again. I loved how the author loved learning and loved life... or maybe just greatly appreciates the journey of life. Learning and teaching oneself how to think via some of the great thinkers of the past. Yeah, it's pretty fascinating and I love discovering how people think and navigate life. It distracts me from solely evaluating how I'm doing myself.
So, this author came to school. He is an average height, latte skin colored, small framed man dressed impecibliy in what appears to be a nicely tailored blue suit and brown leather shoes. He looked like a consumate New Yorker, a well dressed businessman/ academic. But then, he spoke. Ok. I was enraptured. The man spoke so very poisedly without being forced or pretentious. You could feel his knowledge without him beating you into submission with it. He spoke about education being teaching one another how to think and discover life and truth, not to endoctrinate it. He spoke about servile education or education for servitude versus education for enlightenment. He also touched on practical real world applications of these notions and not simply the idealist philosophy of it all. Yup, I was in love.
that is a bit dramatic, but, in another sense, not really. He made me think and made it ok to think. To ask questions that make me uncomfortable and to know that such discomfort may be ok, if not necessary for understanding or growth... and/or change. I love that. I wanted to listen to him talk for longer than his time with us allowed. So, I decided to say 'hello and thank you". As I waited in queue, I was speaking to another colleague of mine, with a doctorate and a man I greatly respect. I was wading through all my thoughts, and was actually more overwhelemed with them than I had originally thought. My 'friend' offered me a distraction and a moment to recalibrate a bit. It's a weird feeling to realize you are thinking possibily important thoughts and configuring them into some semblance of order to not speak gibberish to a distriguished speaker, while simultaneously fangirling. Anyway, I shared some of my thoughts, and my colleague shared that completing his doctorate was his favorite degree because it was the one that changed him - or how he thought. That was super cool to hear and I want to hear more. My colleague offered an open inviation to lunch or coffee ( though he doesn't drink coffee) to discuss some of these things, which was a welcomed door.
It was my turn and, true to form, my head was dizzying. I thanked our speaker for coming and told him I had a few questions. My first was, he had mentioned doing classes/ seminars that weren't tied to the university where he teaches. I simply asked where and with what frequency. Though I don't visit NY often, i would look that up on my next visit. I then thanked him for sharing that he has a small circle of friends with whom he talks about some of these big life questions with. One question he asks is what those who have just completed their doctorates read after that. That shows a little of where their heart and passions lie. He reffered a book by a lady (who I believe he called a friend) "Lost in Thought" (which is now my current audiobook). I shared that this discussion he was leading is one I want to have, one I want to be a part of, knowing I will not be the biggest or most educated brain in the room, but having the opportunity and safety to have people to entertain the discussion with. I told him he was a person I would enjoy getting to know. Happily, he didn't rebuke the notion. I then asked him about margin as he had mentioned that. Margin - yeah, that's something I don't know that my current situation allows, but something I have to find. If you asked me what I did for fun, I would have a hard time answering you. It's not that I don't have enjoyment in my life, but I work in what is/was my passion. And, sadly, I do feel some burnout from it. He mentioned he's 51. Well, that's in my ballpark too. And, when he said that during his lecture, I teared up a bit. Why, I'm not entirely sure, but I did. I told him we were in proximity in age, and asked how he suggests to manage work, finance, life, aging parents and the unilitarian nature of life, while trying to find margin. He mentioned meditation as a timed margin - a planned margin. He has 2 younger children. But he shared that he too is managing a family, a martial relationship (which he mentioned has a reciprocity to it), work, aging parents, retirement and college plans for his children. Just him sharing that reminded me that every yard has it's manure - and it's flowers. And then he shared a Buddist? saying that "we are our companions in aging, illness, and death." It's so true. Not disparaging,just true.
I thanked him again for his time, and reached to shake his hand. He grabbed mine in both of his and thanked me for speaking with him.
And this is a moment in time that I will not get back, but that I will appreciate for what it was in that moment. My head connected, my soul, something connected with this special person. Not in a creepy or sexual or anything like that way, but something more special and intimate than that. A connection of mind. Even if it was not reciprocal, it was so special for me. Something I feel is so important. It's a thing ( I was going to write 'the' thing, but I don't think that is true) that I need in my life, for me. I need and want people to help me grow my mind and spirit, and I want to do the same for others... or at least try to. This is a fundamental need for me, and I think this is an important realization for me.
I spoke with a friend about this a little today and she said that she can count on one hand how many people she feels she has a relationship of mutuality with. She defined this as people who she knows who care about and invest into her as well as themselves in their interactions. I think I understood that correctly. It's the people who don't only hang out with you for their sake, but for your's as well. I don't think I am explaining that well, but I get it. I don't have very many of those people either. And now, the mission is to make sure to make time for those people - which can be more challenging than I think it should be.
And here, I stop as this could be an entirely different track, yet interwoven.
To all those, whether still in my life, or flashes in the pan that made me grow as a person in soul, in thought or both - thank you. For those I havn't met yet, I'm so looking forward to it!
Monday, February 10, 2025
Change your role or wait for someone to hand you a new script
Today is just a quick check in.
Topic 1 - found out a few days ago a friend of mine has just begun the process of divorce. It's different being on the other side of this. I mean you never know all of someone else's situation. In this case, the female had made passing remarks,but, anyone who is or has been married know you talk shit every now and again. I mean, no relationship is pooping rainbows. But, I had thought it was just blowing smoke. Then, I find out from the man in a strangely timed, off the cuff mention, that his soon to be ex-wife had done something.
Wow! I had no idea. I asked if this was a surprize to him. He said no, not too much since she had been caught cheating 3 years ago. Again, wow. I know that happens and I know there are all kind of reasons for it. But.... this had been a repeat offender. And they had worked on this - so he says. But, damn. 3 kids deep.
My heart hurts for this guy, but again, I only know the one side. It's the cheating that I can't reconcile. There are different motivations for cheating, but, they are all cheating. Emotional cheating and physical intimacy cheating are the two I know of. Does society only think the physical side is the 'bad' one?? Do people every talk about the first before it evolves into the second? If they are going to be recognized or ideally prevented, that only happens by open communication, right? If someone 'slips', that may be able to be recovered from, but not without a hell of a lot of work and rebuilding of communication and trust. Fear might totally crush that chance though..... or selfishness. I'm so sorry my friend is going through this right now. Really, I'm sorry for both of them, but I feel like the man was either in hopeful denial, or in total avoidance. This really sucks. It happens all the time, but that doesn't make the suck any less.
Topic 2 - a student shared their stress coming from their parental situation. This student has been removed from one parent for over a year. It's not clean whether this was by court decree or parent decision, but it has happened nonetheless. This is the anniversary of that year, and they are spirallign a bit. Then, the sibilings, who were residing with the other parent have come to live with the one this student has been residing with. And they are upset with themselves thinking this should just be an easy transition. Oh, friend - it's not.
A person's role in life is ever changing. I don't think I wondered about this much in my high school ( maybe even college) years. Live and do the things. That was life. But, we do have roles - one's we take upon ourselves and ones that are given to us by our situations. This poor student thinks that becoming the oldest sibling in the house, aka surrogate parent -whether anyone calls the eldest sibling that or not - is easy. Nope, it's not. Then to wonder what the parent expects or doesn't is a whole other ball game.
This kid hasn't had the hardest life, but certainly not the easiest either. I was so happy they dared to share any of this, and to share it with me. I proposed they speak with the school counselour as well, but, for this student to think that they had to handle this all by themselves, and that it shouldn't be that much to handle just guts me a little.
It's so wierd to think that in this "overconnected" world, people can feel more separated or alone than ever. And, even if not alone, there's a lot of crap in life, regardless. There's more to parcel out here, but it's a great reminder that, even in the greenest of lawns, you can always find poop in the yard. Here's hoping it becomes the fertilizer for stronger, better, wiser people and greater opportunity !! That's a good hope, right??
Topic 1 - found out a few days ago a friend of mine has just begun the process of divorce. It's different being on the other side of this. I mean you never know all of someone else's situation. In this case, the female had made passing remarks,but, anyone who is or has been married know you talk shit every now and again. I mean, no relationship is pooping rainbows. But, I had thought it was just blowing smoke. Then, I find out from the man in a strangely timed, off the cuff mention, that his soon to be ex-wife had done something.
Wow! I had no idea. I asked if this was a surprize to him. He said no, not too much since she had been caught cheating 3 years ago. Again, wow. I know that happens and I know there are all kind of reasons for it. But.... this had been a repeat offender. And they had worked on this - so he says. But, damn. 3 kids deep.
My heart hurts for this guy, but again, I only know the one side. It's the cheating that I can't reconcile. There are different motivations for cheating, but, they are all cheating. Emotional cheating and physical intimacy cheating are the two I know of. Does society only think the physical side is the 'bad' one?? Do people every talk about the first before it evolves into the second? If they are going to be recognized or ideally prevented, that only happens by open communication, right? If someone 'slips', that may be able to be recovered from, but not without a hell of a lot of work and rebuilding of communication and trust. Fear might totally crush that chance though..... or selfishness. I'm so sorry my friend is going through this right now. Really, I'm sorry for both of them, but I feel like the man was either in hopeful denial, or in total avoidance. This really sucks. It happens all the time, but that doesn't make the suck any less.
Topic 2 - a student shared their stress coming from their parental situation. This student has been removed from one parent for over a year. It's not clean whether this was by court decree or parent decision, but it has happened nonetheless. This is the anniversary of that year, and they are spirallign a bit. Then, the sibilings, who were residing with the other parent have come to live with the one this student has been residing with. And they are upset with themselves thinking this should just be an easy transition. Oh, friend - it's not.
A person's role in life is ever changing. I don't think I wondered about this much in my high school ( maybe even college) years. Live and do the things. That was life. But, we do have roles - one's we take upon ourselves and ones that are given to us by our situations. This poor student thinks that becoming the oldest sibling in the house, aka surrogate parent -whether anyone calls the eldest sibling that or not - is easy. Nope, it's not. Then to wonder what the parent expects or doesn't is a whole other ball game.
This kid hasn't had the hardest life, but certainly not the easiest either. I was so happy they dared to share any of this, and to share it with me. I proposed they speak with the school counselour as well, but, for this student to think that they had to handle this all by themselves, and that it shouldn't be that much to handle just guts me a little.
It's so wierd to think that in this "overconnected" world, people can feel more separated or alone than ever. And, even if not alone, there's a lot of crap in life, regardless. There's more to parcel out here, but it's a great reminder that, even in the greenest of lawns, you can always find poop in the yard. Here's hoping it becomes the fertilizer for stronger, better, wiser people and greater opportunity !! That's a good hope, right??
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