As I was sitting here, working on a little contemplative something, I find I have to save and edit it because blogger and iPad don't seem to have a good relationship. I have always said, all I want tecnology to do is what it says it will do. Ok when I move my finger and the cursor reaches new countries and will not allow me to edit, or correct the spelling of the word above, my Mrs Hulk builds in me a little.
Careful, blogger, google, or whoever runs this operation. You are close to sending me back to pen and paper.
Nobody has time for this s.....stuff!
Saturday, January 03, 2015
Monday, August 12, 2013
Through the reflecting glass
I haven't been here for a while, but I thought I'd stop by and... reflect before life becomes it's crazy normal self and there isn't time to do so.
This summer reality seemed to come crashing into me and I had to realize what to do with it. It's like seeing the road before you at 70 miles an hour and also several branches or exits to take. Turning around isn't an option. It's all merely the question of, "where am I going to go from here."
I'm not old (and no I'm not going to divulge my age - vanity is still holding some) but I'm not young anymore either.
My son is 13 and almost 4 inches taller than me. The "little boy" that was, is no longer.
At the beach, I had the sufficating thought that I only have 5 more years ( if God gives me those) to be with my son as my "boy". He's going to want to be with his friends all the time and have adventures with them. He'll be wrapped up in school, boy scouts, work and recreation and all that entails. We'll have some time to watch movies, battle through homework, take trips, but not much. I felt the pressure of reflecting and asking of myself, "Did you value and take all the time with your son that you could earlier, because those opportunities are fleeting, and diminishing."
There are so many parts to this, it's hard to sum up here. I'm a single mother. No complaints mostly, as life is often too busy for that to be a huge deal. I manuvere through my work and give attention to my son. Sometimes I think someone else would just muddy that water. Sometimes, it might be nice to share life with one more. Do I want to have another child? Not sure, and not in a place to worry about it. I just don't want to loose any part of the one I have.
Then I worry - What am I offering him for a good male role model? How can I model a healthy relationship for him if I'm not in one?
And... what happens when kiddo leaves? Invest in plastic, the great "push and pull" and go full out cougar?? Yeah, I don't think so.
So, after many tears and friends to listen, I think I have a plan. A mentor of mine always said "Fail to plan, plan to fail"
#1 - Appreciate the NOW and the little things - Kiddo and I will bike ride as often as we can. Although that can equal many muscle pulls and inhaler puffs here, it's time together. We will suffer through each other's preferenences in movies, we'll read together ( as long as he can tolerate it, we'll stop at Einstein's once a month for a sit down bagel brunch. And, there's always Netflix.
#2 - Have adventures - I will take kiddo to NYC, even if only for 3 days. Half of his family is from there and he needs to see it. It's doesn't hurt that I really like it there. We'll hit some hot springs here and take some hikes, and hopefully hit Disney World in the next 2 years. If the bank will hold, I also hope to take him overseas. I've been annoying him with Deutsch for long enough.
#3 - Take pictures - I can't believe the young 'man' I see when I look at my son. Soon I'll be looking at a man, and then perhaps a father himself. I need to take pictures to remember what was.
#4 - Love what was - As I pack up the Thomas the Tank Engine toys, I tear a little, knowing this chapter is over. I remember Teletubbies and Dragon tales at the wee hours of the morning. I remember slides and swings at the park. I remember the first time C ever saw the ocean. I remember watching Thomas on Dvd as George Harrison and other Beatles were the voices of the trains. I remember taking him to see Thomas and explore the real trains in Golden. I can't get any of this back, but, I don't need to - I still have it in my memory and my heart. And...I'm keeping some of the Thomas stuff :-)
#5 - Say goodbye and Look forward - I think part of my suffication was wondering and worrying what is to come. What it coming is what is to come. Tomorrow is to come and all I can do is what I can do. We will experience 8th grade and my 11th year at my school. Then we'll experience summer and the beginning of high school. He'll get braces and take drivers ed. He'll live his life and I'll support him. I hope to get a master's degree sometime and maybe meet someone awesome. I hope to be someone awesome to meet. I hope to get a dog :-) and not care when it pees on my carpet.
I think the biggest thing I have learned, and need to keep reminding myself is the hardest part of all of this, is looking in the mirror and being ok with what you see. You can still make better or go farther, but appreciate all that has been and been done. Tomorrow may not come, and I have to be ok with that. But if it does, I can't miss it.
Make everyday count. Now I get it.
A neighboor once said, "Life is like a roll of toilet paper - it seems to go faster the closer you get to the end." An addition to that might be, "whether course or soft, be glad you have some". I guess the contrast might be that hopefully you don't flush life.
Mirrors don't lie..... damn it.
This summer reality seemed to come crashing into me and I had to realize what to do with it. It's like seeing the road before you at 70 miles an hour and also several branches or exits to take. Turning around isn't an option. It's all merely the question of, "where am I going to go from here."
I'm not old (and no I'm not going to divulge my age - vanity is still holding some) but I'm not young anymore either.
My son is 13 and almost 4 inches taller than me. The "little boy" that was, is no longer.
At the beach, I had the sufficating thought that I only have 5 more years ( if God gives me those) to be with my son as my "boy". He's going to want to be with his friends all the time and have adventures with them. He'll be wrapped up in school, boy scouts, work and recreation and all that entails. We'll have some time to watch movies, battle through homework, take trips, but not much. I felt the pressure of reflecting and asking of myself, "Did you value and take all the time with your son that you could earlier, because those opportunities are fleeting, and diminishing."
There are so many parts to this, it's hard to sum up here. I'm a single mother. No complaints mostly, as life is often too busy for that to be a huge deal. I manuvere through my work and give attention to my son. Sometimes I think someone else would just muddy that water. Sometimes, it might be nice to share life with one more. Do I want to have another child? Not sure, and not in a place to worry about it. I just don't want to loose any part of the one I have.
Then I worry - What am I offering him for a good male role model? How can I model a healthy relationship for him if I'm not in one?
And... what happens when kiddo leaves? Invest in plastic, the great "push and pull" and go full out cougar?? Yeah, I don't think so.
So, after many tears and friends to listen, I think I have a plan. A mentor of mine always said "Fail to plan, plan to fail"
#1 - Appreciate the NOW and the little things - Kiddo and I will bike ride as often as we can. Although that can equal many muscle pulls and inhaler puffs here, it's time together. We will suffer through each other's preferenences in movies, we'll read together ( as long as he can tolerate it, we'll stop at Einstein's once a month for a sit down bagel brunch. And, there's always Netflix.
#2 - Have adventures - I will take kiddo to NYC, even if only for 3 days. Half of his family is from there and he needs to see it. It's doesn't hurt that I really like it there. We'll hit some hot springs here and take some hikes, and hopefully hit Disney World in the next 2 years. If the bank will hold, I also hope to take him overseas. I've been annoying him with Deutsch for long enough.
#3 - Take pictures - I can't believe the young 'man' I see when I look at my son. Soon I'll be looking at a man, and then perhaps a father himself. I need to take pictures to remember what was.
#4 - Love what was - As I pack up the Thomas the Tank Engine toys, I tear a little, knowing this chapter is over. I remember Teletubbies and Dragon tales at the wee hours of the morning. I remember slides and swings at the park. I remember the first time C ever saw the ocean. I remember watching Thomas on Dvd as George Harrison and other Beatles were the voices of the trains. I remember taking him to see Thomas and explore the real trains in Golden. I can't get any of this back, but, I don't need to - I still have it in my memory and my heart. And...I'm keeping some of the Thomas stuff :-)
#5 - Say goodbye and Look forward - I think part of my suffication was wondering and worrying what is to come. What it coming is what is to come. Tomorrow is to come and all I can do is what I can do. We will experience 8th grade and my 11th year at my school. Then we'll experience summer and the beginning of high school. He'll get braces and take drivers ed. He'll live his life and I'll support him. I hope to get a master's degree sometime and maybe meet someone awesome. I hope to be someone awesome to meet. I hope to get a dog :-) and not care when it pees on my carpet.
I think the biggest thing I have learned, and need to keep reminding myself is the hardest part of all of this, is looking in the mirror and being ok with what you see. You can still make better or go farther, but appreciate all that has been and been done. Tomorrow may not come, and I have to be ok with that. But if it does, I can't miss it.
Make everyday count. Now I get it.
A neighboor once said, "Life is like a roll of toilet paper - it seems to go faster the closer you get to the end." An addition to that might be, "whether course or soft, be glad you have some". I guess the contrast might be that hopefully you don't flush life.
Mirrors don't lie..... damn it.
Sunday, June 17, 2012
Anticipation
Europe. More accurately, UK, France, Switzerland, Austria, Italy, and Germany. I can't even attempt to express how I feel about this. Even thought I have taken this trip before, just being there makes me feel....scholarly, and perhaps a little more worldly, in the good way. I do wish I could live over there, even if just for a few months. I'd actually love for my son to attend school over there for a while. I think being anywhere other than north America just makes the world feel smaller and perhaps in a way more real. The last time I took this trip, I remember thinking
how old, or rather how historical Britain was as we drove through parts of London having prewar and post war architecture side by side. France was remarkably historical, since they sold out to the Nazis in order to remain untouched. I guess what became even more clear was how young the USA is.
I went to DC shortly thereafter and realized how much of France is there, in the buildings and even just the road design. I always thought that being on the Mall in DC was like a time portal, as that was the mall so many leaders looked upon and walked on prior. Europe just amplifies that feeling 20 fold. How can you not be inspired by justp being where such beautiful art, architecture, and the ghosts of great people are?
That being said, the yin to that Yang is the fact that I am not bi or in any way multi lingual. Here, that's neither here nor there. It's most annoying when you can't tell whether the manicurist or the Spanish restaurant folks are talking about you. There, it really makes me feel uneducated. Almost everyone speaks more than one language.
Even as I type this on this idiotic smart phone, I think one of the greatest attractions is to a life of simpler times. Maybe not nicer of more convenient, but simpler.
And I best stop here before this phone flies through the window.
how old, or rather how historical Britain was as we drove through parts of London having prewar and post war architecture side by side. France was remarkably historical, since they sold out to the Nazis in order to remain untouched. I guess what became even more clear was how young the USA is.
I went to DC shortly thereafter and realized how much of France is there, in the buildings and even just the road design. I always thought that being on the Mall in DC was like a time portal, as that was the mall so many leaders looked upon and walked on prior. Europe just amplifies that feeling 20 fold. How can you not be inspired by justp being where such beautiful art, architecture, and the ghosts of great people are?
That being said, the yin to that Yang is the fact that I am not bi or in any way multi lingual. Here, that's neither here nor there. It's most annoying when you can't tell whether the manicurist or the Spanish restaurant folks are talking about you. There, it really makes me feel uneducated. Almost everyone speaks more than one language.
Even as I type this on this idiotic smart phone, I think one of the greatest attractions is to a life of simpler times. Maybe not nicer of more convenient, but simpler.
And I best stop here before this phone flies through the window.
Monday, June 11, 2012
Is it right to write?
Ah the usual time lapse. Time to begin my summer ramblings.
I have reached that time of year where I again feel like I have a life that is mostly my own instead of being lent to me from work. This is the time where I reorganize the house, find the floor that I lost sometime after January, watch more movies than healthy, and sleep to my heart's content. In this organizational frenzy I collect bags and bags of things to be given away, things I had thought lost, and forgotten things.
When I lived on the east coast I was not working full time and I loved to send cards - birthday, anniversary, Mother's Day, Father's Day, funny greetings, brief hellos, etc. I found the box in which I would collect these cards so that I had them to send at a moment's notice - and purchase them when on sale. Be it known that now I cringe at the necessity to purchase a card. $4-$5 for something that will be acknowledge for usually no more than a week and then disposed. I'd rather give the recipient cash or take them for a drink than spend that much money on something so...... disposable. But, I do miss the hand written sentiment.
Do you remember in school when you might relish or fear the thoughts that were passed on notes in the classroom? How you'd love to see the "He likes you" or "Want to meet after school" or "I think you're cute" or fear the "you stink" or "you're mean" or "he doesn't like you". Did you get birthday cards from family in your childhood? I did. Now, we used to always, pettily look for the cash within it, but it was so nice to get the cards too. College - ah, that was the era of writing for me. When I transferred schools, I used to keep in touch via letters containing the news of the time - all the good gossip. We did what Facebook and email are used for today. We never wasted postage on the sentiments on Twitter though. Hehehe, can you imagine that? Getting a letter that says " At the store. Out of Red Bull". That idea cracks me up personally.
But, now that I get to sit and think for a minute, and I sit next to these 3 small rubbermaid containers of stationary and cards, I feel a pang of guilt. When did life get so busy that you can't sit to write someone a brief hello or a statement of missing their presence? When did life get so petty or expensive that the postage for said letter trumps the personalness of writing it? Or have we all become so self protected that emails and Facebook keep things at arms length since it is technology and not from our own hand and meant for the world - or cyberspace?
I love stationary. I love the colors. I love cards - mostly the funny ones, but also the sentimental ones from time to time. I miss them, yet I know come late August I will feel them a burden more than a blessing.
I can't wait to go to Europe!! I can, as when I return that means that half my summer will be over, but I can't as it makes me need to write. My cell phone doesn't work in Europe and, if I manage to get one to use over there, it will be unGodly expensive to use often, so postcards and letters are the best way to communicate. Now, many of the letters written in the last 5 days won't even get to the states before I do, but hopefully the postage stamp will make up for that. Ahhhh, can't wait !!
If you want a letter or postcard, just let me know.I'll send you one. I don't mind the to-do list there, as, how many times do you get mail from London, Paris, Switzerland, Austria or Germany??? If you do get mail from those locals often, well good for you. The most exotic place I get mail from is a little town in Western Maryland. Although you might consider that somewhat foreign, it doesn't count.
When did it become so wrong to write?????
I have reached that time of year where I again feel like I have a life that is mostly my own instead of being lent to me from work. This is the time where I reorganize the house, find the floor that I lost sometime after January, watch more movies than healthy, and sleep to my heart's content. In this organizational frenzy I collect bags and bags of things to be given away, things I had thought lost, and forgotten things.
When I lived on the east coast I was not working full time and I loved to send cards - birthday, anniversary, Mother's Day, Father's Day, funny greetings, brief hellos, etc. I found the box in which I would collect these cards so that I had them to send at a moment's notice - and purchase them when on sale. Be it known that now I cringe at the necessity to purchase a card. $4-$5 for something that will be acknowledge for usually no more than a week and then disposed. I'd rather give the recipient cash or take them for a drink than spend that much money on something so...... disposable. But, I do miss the hand written sentiment.
Do you remember in school when you might relish or fear the thoughts that were passed on notes in the classroom? How you'd love to see the "He likes you" or "Want to meet after school" or "I think you're cute" or fear the "you stink" or "you're mean" or "he doesn't like you". Did you get birthday cards from family in your childhood? I did. Now, we used to always, pettily look for the cash within it, but it was so nice to get the cards too. College - ah, that was the era of writing for me. When I transferred schools, I used to keep in touch via letters containing the news of the time - all the good gossip. We did what Facebook and email are used for today. We never wasted postage on the sentiments on Twitter though. Hehehe, can you imagine that? Getting a letter that says " At the store. Out of Red Bull". That idea cracks me up personally.
But, now that I get to sit and think for a minute, and I sit next to these 3 small rubbermaid containers of stationary and cards, I feel a pang of guilt. When did life get so busy that you can't sit to write someone a brief hello or a statement of missing their presence? When did life get so petty or expensive that the postage for said letter trumps the personalness of writing it? Or have we all become so self protected that emails and Facebook keep things at arms length since it is technology and not from our own hand and meant for the world - or cyberspace?
I love stationary. I love the colors. I love cards - mostly the funny ones, but also the sentimental ones from time to time. I miss them, yet I know come late August I will feel them a burden more than a blessing.
I can't wait to go to Europe!! I can, as when I return that means that half my summer will be over, but I can't as it makes me need to write. My cell phone doesn't work in Europe and, if I manage to get one to use over there, it will be unGodly expensive to use often, so postcards and letters are the best way to communicate. Now, many of the letters written in the last 5 days won't even get to the states before I do, but hopefully the postage stamp will make up for that. Ahhhh, can't wait !!
If you want a letter or postcard, just let me know.I'll send you one. I don't mind the to-do list there, as, how many times do you get mail from London, Paris, Switzerland, Austria or Germany??? If you do get mail from those locals often, well good for you. The most exotic place I get mail from is a little town in Western Maryland. Although you might consider that somewhat foreign, it doesn't count.
When did it become so wrong to write?????
Sunday, April 01, 2012
Is it a bad thing
Is it a bad thing that one can take such great pleasure in getting a high scrabble score or beating a computer at cribbage? So maybe these things aren't life defining, but I do feel they have some impact on the general mood of the day. I should be worried, shouldn't I ?
Saturday, March 31, 2012
Dangerous discovery
By George, I think I figured it out.......adding posts via phone. I swear this phone may be the end of me. Thankfully its harder to write via phone, so I won't be staying up all hours writing the crap in my head. But I will day this, since I haven't been posting,once again my head, heart, stomach, are filled with so many things to say its overwhelming. Like that feeling when you're overloaded with home or house work and you simply don't know where to begin. Meh, I guess I'll try to either read and/ or sleep it off tonight. I'll just be content with my discovery. Yea me! ;-)
Friday, March 30, 2012
Peek a boo
Ok, it's been a while, but I have to share this....
Have you ever searched yourself on the internet? Your friends? Oh my goodness !!!! It is a little creepy.
First off, I never knew so much could be posted about a person. From Facebook links to comments or tags, to unknown of sites which provide your address and other information they say they can sell for a nominal fee, to a bunch of other random sites and things that pop up. And then there is all the inaccurate information, which honestly, makes me feel much better than seeing all the accurate stuff. Does anyone know how to manipulate the personal information that's out there???? Because I'm thinking I'd like in on that knowledge.
Ew. I feel like I need to take a shower..... but is there a camera there too??? Double ew.
This whole internet thing just got a whole lot creepier.
Have you ever searched yourself on the internet? Your friends? Oh my goodness !!!! It is a little creepy.
First off, I never knew so much could be posted about a person. From Facebook links to comments or tags, to unknown of sites which provide your address and other information they say they can sell for a nominal fee, to a bunch of other random sites and things that pop up. And then there is all the inaccurate information, which honestly, makes me feel much better than seeing all the accurate stuff. Does anyone know how to manipulate the personal information that's out there???? Because I'm thinking I'd like in on that knowledge.
Ew. I feel like I need to take a shower..... but is there a camera there too??? Double ew.
This whole internet thing just got a whole lot creepier.
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