It's been a minute and some things have happened (as does in life, I guess)
I had been meaning to write for several days, but for some reason, I feel the need to be profound ( or attempt to when I write) For my students, I call it analysis paralysis. Yeah - screw that.
Books - back to this. I'm not a consumate reader by any stretch. I don't dislike reading, I just don't hunger for it either. I read by necessity or recommendation ( ok, WHY does blogger not have spell check?!?!?!) This attribute may be a shortcoming, but not one I feel handicapped by, it's just what it is. Happily my place of employment assigns reading. I'm pretty sure I'm 3/5 in completion so.... D's get degrees ( yes, even I am disappointed in my satification of mediocrity)
The last read was "Rescuing Socrates" by Roosevelt Montas. And, full disclosure, I audiobooked it versus reading ( even though I think i possess 2 hard copies) I loved this book and will read it again. I loved how the author loved learning and loved life... or maybe just greatly appreciates the journey of life. Learning and teaching oneself how to think via some of the great thinkers of the past. Yeah, it's pretty fascinating and I love discovering how people think and navigate life. It distracts me from solely evaluating how I'm doing myself.
So, this author came to school. He is an average height, latte skin colored, small framed man dressed impecibliy in what appears to be a nicely tailored blue suit and brown leather shoes. He looked like a consumate New Yorker, a well dressed businessman/ academic. But then, he spoke. Ok. I was enraptured. The man spoke so very poisedly without being forced or pretentious. You could feel his knowledge without him beating you into submission with it. He spoke about education being teaching one another how to think and discover life and truth, not to endoctrinate it. He spoke about servile education or education for servitude versus education for enlightenment. He also touched on practical real world applications of these notions and not simply the idealist philosophy of it all. Yup, I was in love.
that is a bit dramatic, but, in another sense, not really. He made me think and made it ok to think. To ask questions that make me uncomfortable and to know that such discomfort may be ok, if not necessary for understanding or growth... and/or change. I love that. I wanted to listen to him talk for longer than his time with us allowed. So, I decided to say 'hello and thank you". As I waited in queue, I was speaking to another colleague of mine, with a doctorate and a man I greatly respect. I was wading through all my thoughts, and was actually more overwhelemed with them than I had originally thought. My 'friend' offered me a distraction and a moment to recalibrate a bit. It's a weird feeling to realize you are thinking possibily important thoughts and configuring them into some semblance of order to not speak gibberish to a distriguished speaker, while simultaneously fangirling. Anyway, I shared some of my thoughts, and my colleague shared that completing his doctorate was his favorite degree because it was the one that changed him - or how he thought. That was super cool to hear and I want to hear more. My colleague offered an open inviation to lunch or coffee ( though he doesn't drink coffee) to discuss some of these things, which was a welcomed door.
It was my turn and, true to form, my head was dizzying. I thanked our speaker for coming and told him I had a few questions. My first was, he had mentioned doing classes/ seminars that weren't tied to the university where he teaches. I simply asked where and with what frequency. Though I don't visit NY often, i would look that up on my next visit. I then thanked him for sharing that he has a small circle of friends with whom he talks about some of these big life questions with. One question he asks is what those who have just completed their doctorates read after that. That shows a little of where their heart and passions lie. He reffered a book by a lady (who I believe he called a friend) "Lost in Thought" (which is now my current audiobook). I shared that this discussion he was leading is one I want to have, one I want to be a part of, knowing I will not be the biggest or most educated brain in the room, but having the opportunity and safety to have people to entertain the discussion with. I told him he was a person I would enjoy getting to know. Happily, he didn't rebuke the notion. I then asked him about margin as he had mentioned that. Margin - yeah, that's something I don't know that my current situation allows, but something I have to find. If you asked me what I did for fun, I would have a hard time answering you. It's not that I don't have enjoyment in my life, but I work in what is/was my passion. And, sadly, I do feel some burnout from it. He mentioned he's 51. Well, that's in my ballpark too. And, when he said that during his lecture, I teared up a bit. Why, I'm not entirely sure, but I did. I told him we were in proximity in age, and asked how he suggests to manage work, finance, life, aging parents and the unilitarian nature of life, while trying to find margin. He mentioned meditation as a timed margin - a planned margin. He has 2 younger children. But he shared that he too is managing a family, a martial relationship (which he mentioned has a reciprocity to it), work, aging parents, retirement and college plans for his children. Just him sharing that reminded me that every yard has it's manure - and it's flowers. And then he shared a Buddist? saying that "we are our companions in aging, illness, and death." It's so true. Not disparaging,just true.
I thanked him again for his time, and reached to shake his hand. He grabbed mine in both of his and thanked me for speaking with him.
And this is a moment in time that I will not get back, but that I will appreciate for what it was in that moment. My head connected, my soul, something connected with this special person. Not in a creepy or sexual or anything like that way, but something more special and intimate than that. A connection of mind. Even if it was not reciprocal, it was so special for me. Something I feel is so important. It's a thing ( I was going to write 'the' thing, but I don't think that is true) that I need in my life, for me. I need and want people to help me grow my mind and spirit, and I want to do the same for others... or at least try to. This is a fundamental need for me, and I think this is an important realization for me.
I spoke with a friend about this a little today and she said that she can count on one hand how many people she feels she has a relationship of mutuality with. She defined this as people who she knows who care about and invest into her as well as themselves in their interactions. I think I understood that correctly. It's the people who don't only hang out with you for their sake, but for your's as well. I don't think I am explaining that well, but I get it. I don't have very many of those people either. And now, the mission is to make sure to make time for those people - which can be more challenging than I think it should be.
And here, I stop as this could be an entirely different track, yet interwoven.
To all those, whether still in my life, or flashes in the pan that made me grow as a person in soul, in thought or both - thank you. For those I havn't met yet, I'm so looking forward to it!
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