Took some days off. Those days have been full though. Work..... ah,yes work. But I can't slam work too much, as apparently I have given a great deal of my life to it. I didn't plan to marry it, but I joke often ( probably for the truth in it) that I did.
Also, during these days, I have been trying to keep in touch with "my people". Has dinner with one of those people last night. Granted, I was ready to call it quits at about 6 last night, but, we had scheduled getting together a month ago. It was important to me, so, home and sleep needed to wait. And.. no regrets. My friend is in the thick of it, in a way I can only listen to and imagine. And this/ these life struggles have been persisting for over 2 years. And, to no fault of their own - really. It's heart wrenching. And has to wear a person down. But they are doing everything they can do and all the things one could think they should do. I'm not at liberties to share details, but when people say they are going through hell, this person truly is.
I can't do anything really to help them. No money or effort I can offer can change their circumstances. I know that, and I'm not a fan of that fact, but not overly angushed about it. If I could,I would. I know that. But, that's not on the table. But, it meant a great deal for me just to spend time with them. And I want them just to know I give a damn. I want to hear about these trials, if they are willing to share with me, because, I don't want them to feel alone. Happily, my friend validated this - because I'm questiong if that desire/ need is simply selfish or loving. In my 3/4 life crisis, I find myself wondering "Why am I doing what I'm doing?" "Am I right or is what I am doing for good?" When they thanked me for hanging out, I had to share this worry with my friend and they started to cry. (Didn't want that, but have learned when you are motiviated to cry.... just cry.) They shared that I am one of a very few that reaches out and that shows they care, and they were very appreciative. That made me tear up a little. I want my people to know and show them I care - simply because I do. The self serving bent is that's not solely for the people who I want to know and care about, but because it gives me purpose too. I want to be some Pooh bear's Piglet because that gives me purpose... and the hope there will be a PIglet there for me if I should need one. ( There's a cartoon reference there. I'd post, but I'm not that savvy and not spending that kind of time rn)
Another new friend? I had brunch with on Sunday. ( Did I write about that already??) She shared as life changed for her, after her divorce and her only child has headed to college - that one of her realizations was that she didn't want to do life alone. I heard that so loudly. And, for as much stress, anxiety, burden, frustration and simple energy draining activity that my job offers, it offers me purpose and social direction (more than not) and connection. I, sometimes, would love to make a change, but to what becomes the daunting question. I was talking to a coworker today and shared a thought I have often - the grass may look greener, but the realities are a) everything that grows needs furtilzer that stinks and b) there's poop in every yard. The questions are how much and do you know where it is? Life can be really crappy sometimes ;-)
FOMO - yup. The fear of F'ing it up - double yup. These two things aren't overly compatible. It's interesting and challenging as hell to navigate them in game play.
The next pondering - direction vs distraction. Those two are another yin/yang that I'm not sure I have a handle on.
What's next?? Yup - that's the real question. And, at the moment, I don't have a solid answer, save hopefully tomorrow.
Let's see what it brings.
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