Musings - talking to air

outine form: Midlife crisis? If the median age is 70/76, I am past midlife, so I'll go with no. Seeking purpose and direction - thinking I'll go more with that. Still bothered by interaction/lack thereof with an idividual. No logical reason for this. None. But, there it remains, and I am ricocheted between feelings of annoyance, anger, want, sympathy, questioning, denial, and maybe others I don't have words for. It's like an emotion vegetable soup. And, I have limited spirit, energy or ability to address this. UGH!!!!! I hate this. I would like to believe that I am not doing this to myself - I am actively trying not to, so I think. But the dissonance, the lack of resolution ( or maybe a resolution I desire) is wearing on me. And.... to think I allowed myself to get into this place. Damn it. It looks as if this interface is pretty quiet so, I've decided to write here, for now. I actually had taken a step away from writing as it sometimes strains my eyes and, as in other things, I can suffer from analysis paralysis - if it's not "right" or perfect, it's shit. So better to terminate. The irony is I teach others to perservere through that. Today, I am going to talk to that person, to see where this stream dies or branches into so many off shoots I can't keep track of.( The later seems more probable) And, I have set a time limit on this for myself, as I have other things to do. If anyone reads these, I thought that might help you be aware: Notes: I want to know about my people, especially certain ones, and their proximity or ease to reach matters. I recently wrote I have been blessed to cross paths with many people over my life. How to keep a pulse or track on them all is quite energy conuming and I fail often. For many of my high school friends, it is only through FB or chance interactions that I know of or about them at all ( there are a few I need to work to do better on that this year). Many of them have people in their lives, spouses, children or both. Some do not. I guess if I think or have an idea with some sort of proof they are ok, I'm ok. I'm fully aware that FB doesn't offer a great "reality" status check,but recently, I sometimes wonder if in person does either. Regardless, the hint or smattering of them gives me some comfort. You, I have little to no idea about. That may be by design, which hurts to acknowledge, but it's a possible if not probable reality. I'm sure hearing that you didn't want me to know or have contact directly from you would cut me to the quick ( A+ for antiquated colloquialism) but, it would end the wondering, right? One of those "damned if you do, damned if you don't" situations. "Knowing" can go 2 directions for me, one being entirely selfish and one being more altuistic. Selfishly, I want to know becuase I want to know. You have always been fascinating to me (and lets take any weird, romantic translations out of this, as I know where you stand there). You are one of the most intelligent people I have ever met. Maybe not totally socially intelligent, or youre simply a master manipulator, I don't know ( wow, there's a compliment in here, I swear) but you are a pragmatic, analytical thinker at a speed and ease that impresses me - and seems to be my total opposiste. You see things through a lens I don't have and I like seeing what you see, when you allow it - and hearing how you process and think. I really don't like that that opportunity for understanding or learning is so close, yet out of reach. You enjoy things a little foreign to me, and I like hearing about that too. You are "alone" like me (maybe) - a concept you seem to be far more comfortable than I am and I want to know how you do that too. I am not you by any means, but how do you handle or simply appreciate being alone? I'd like to learn more about that. I worry for you as you are by yourself. Maybe that is futile. Maybe you have all the resources and things you need, but, what if something 'bad' happens? What then?? I fear when or if I hear something bad has happened, far after the fact. I think that's anxiety, but it's real. I worry about my dad that way, but he has my sister ( which drains her). I worry about my former father in-law. My son has a partner so not worried there. I worry about my sister, but her situation offers some comfort. And..... I worry about you. I just want to know. It's a friend love worry and I don't ever think it will go away, no matter what happens. I may be totally wrong, but I never got the feeling you judge people. Maybe you do all the time and never say - who knows? I do have a recollection of you saying you hate people.... but, But in that thinking, that makes you one of the very best people to talk with - it's safe. I do judge (not gonna lie), but am much slower to knowing there are so many factors that play into why people do what they do. And, I try to judge actions, not people. That's better, right? This age of life, where our parents are aging, and so are we, is hard, IMO. Taking the selfish out of the equation, that is just fact.It can be heavy, overwhelming, or just dizzinging. I appreciate having people to talk to about some of the things that weigh on me. Some, I don't share for my own reasons, but I bet if I really wanted to, i could. I hope you know that you have people who care about you, more than they might ever say ( and no, I'm not talking about me) and just want to be there for you and know that you are ok, or that you know they are there for you if you are not. We already spoke about this, but I feels it deserves repeating. There are 1-2 people that I can say that about with 100% certainty, and there are at least 3 others that I'm sure that is true for too, in their own way. Parents: I trust you _talk_ with your mother. I just had a friend tell me I need to call my dad more often ( which I think is right). He is emotionally and relationally stunted and that makes things so hard. But I know me taking the time to talk to him, even if I'm going to hear the same story 4 times, is a way I can show I care that he will understand. Boys are challenging.:-). I have learned a lot about my dad and the characteristics, good, bad and ugly, that come with him. It explains some things about my own and family functionalities. I try to use the " keep what you like and learn to recognize what you don't" method here. I don't know if you feel that way about your mom as she is a woman with men for children. I'm sure you guys have "your way" of communicating, but I also suspect it could be challenging across the guy/girl divide. Maybe, maybe not. The comments you made about aging I heard. I understood part, and my heart broke a little too. We can't dodge that bullet, but I don't like it either. Truth be told, I don't think I have a great many years left, so I'm trying to figure out how to make the most of what I have got. Being with and around for people is a thing for me. Sharing things - adventures, stories, work, time with people is my thing. It makes me sad I can't with you. I don't want you to regret our conversation (the actual conversation and not the barrage of textual vomit that insued after). I was so thankful for it. It honestly took me a little of guard. And, then I wanted more and that wasn't fair. I am so so sorry. I would always listen to you. I desire quid pro quo, with some frequency, and I think that's just not something you want or need. I'm sorry I put that expectation on you. I have a script of how you can friendily shut me down or back me off. If you ever needed that, just let me know. "Terminal silence is a dull blade that pentrates and pushes in ever so slowly." - Eh, edit this. Silence without knowing the reason may be this. Sometimes, people need to be quiet - to process, to reflect, to consider. People like me just need to hear :" Can't talk about this now. May not ever. I don't want to OR I need time for myself on this one" Still not fun to hear, but gives reason, without being dismissive. And, that allows someone to respond "Ok. Know I'm here if you need an ear or a spirit to share with". My next thing to dissect is the optimist/pessimist perspective. I REALLY wanted to go fist to cuffs on this one - in a friendly manner of course. That "no expectations/ no disappointment" comment annoys the hell out of me. But..... I can recognise the truth in it, but can't ascribe to that. I'm actually going to try to use Aristotle ( we are studying him in inservice) to see if I can agrue my position better. Another time.....