Life is like vegetable soup - it's all in the bowl

Let's recap the last several days - the good, the bad and the ugly. An honor band happened this past weekend. This is where students from all over come together to create an ensemble and perform together. Pretty legit experience. In fact, it was those that made me want to be a part of the music scene really. There's nothing like being led and particpating with excellence to meet a common goal. Directors hang during this event: set up rehearsal rooms, lead sectionals, meet with each other and the conductors, solve problems, all the cool and crap that comes with the gig. It's great because we get to see each other, which oddly enough, is hard to do when we are all busy running our own programs. The first large rehearsal began with a student being taught how to lead a tuning sequence in front of the ensemble. In a strange turn of event, she "fainted" and fell 5 feet off the stage. I found out about this after the fact as I was in another rehearsal room. The other directors were great! Some were called to begin emergency treatment, the host director called their principal and got the school PT, another called 911 and the student's teacher called the parents of the student. Those remaining ( as there were over 20 of us) supervised the students who had to be relocated until the EMT's came. It was scary!! That poor student! The students who saw it happen. The visiting clinician. But, everyone handled it with such grace, and as a team in concert. Being a part of this special community came to the fore so much in that moment. I don't always love my job, but in that moment, I sure loved my colleagues, my people. Then, We had to determine if we were going to continue with the event, not due to that accident, but rather due to weather. The temps were low and snow was on and off. Some schools, or their AD's, cancelled sporting events or after school events, but no one here owns perforfming arts, so it was left to us directors to decide, and on our heads the result. We decided to continue, altered our times and counseled families and students to travel cautiously. In the end, it all worked out. I still don't know if I appreciate that autonomy or am pissed about it. If I knew admin had our backs, I'd be all for it, but I don't believe that. And it bothers me that governing agencies and AD's make calls about sports, but leave performing arts events to fend for themselves. I'll talk to my AD about that next week. On teh 2nd morning, I walked out to my car to find a flat - in snow and temps in the low 10s. Yeah,I wasn't changing that tire. I activated the phone tree and got a ride from one of my fellow directors. I was so greatful. I also got a ride home from another director. Again, go team! The following day, a spouse of a fellow director helped my put my spare on and made sure I got to the tire store safely. So happy to have these people in my life. Among these people we have had 3 parents pass, a husband who had a heart attack, a daughter's wedding to be planned in 4 months, various health issues, and a bunch of other life. Just goes to prove, eveyone's got stuff going on - and you never know until they share. I had a student in one of my ensembles suffer a full on panic attack in rehearsal yesterday. And they started to say how they didn't belong in that ensemble, that they were bringing the group down and that the band would be better without them. This student is one of the most diligent and hard working students I have ever worked with and is rediculously gifted. We navigated this and their friends were brilliant and loving, but it was wrenching to hear this student speak these things. I know how wrong that perception was, but the thing that hurt the most was knowing "their" perception was their reality - even if just in that moment. The heartache is/was so real. Oh, and I also got a text from a former student doing their student teaching that they had been cursed out by a kindergartner! KINDERGARTNER!!! I'm so glad they shared, but damn.... that's just nuts. Can't wait to hear more about what they did/ how they reacted after. And this is just a sampling of the 4 day work week, that isn't even over. Add this to this unsettled business I'm still trying to settle. Obsess much? But.... I can't just put it aside. Why??? I mean really... WHY ?? Logic should make this stupid simple, but I don't like the answer logic gives me. Can't logic just shout louder or ..... ugh, I don't know. I wrote another email. Yup, another one. Thank God for draft folders. I reached a conclusion that I'm not going to feel bad for caring. I refuse. Yeah, sometimes I'm intrusive, annoying, blunt, tactless, whatever. I try to be mindful of this, but I fail sometimes. But, I care, damn it. I want to know how my people are. I can't keep track of all those I'd like to, so I use FB, instagram, brief messaging, word of mouth, whatever else, to know. If I have a chance, I want to hear directly from the person, but I know that's not always practical,or possible. Damn reciprocity. But, I care. I won't allow anyone to convince me to feel badly about that. But, if in that desire I make someone uncomfortable, if my caring or its manifest is unfamiliar or unwanted, that's where the bad feelings chime in. That's not my intent or desire, but I fear it happens. Until I'm told, I don't actually know that I'm creating that scenario for another, but I don't want to even think I create a place where others to feel that way. Can I know in silence? NO!! So, am I borrowing trouble in thinking that I'm creating that scenario? Is silence a passive but clear dismissal? Is it unfair to ask? Is it an unfair expectation for a response or clarity? Then, if I want information, or limits, or just to know I'm understood, and continue to communicate to that silent wall, I know I perpetuate the problem. Man, I hate that. In the last 5 years, one thing that has become clearer is that there are no givens. Tomorrow really isn't a promise and I don't want to waste time doing things that don't make my life or other's lives a little better. That seems good. When it's hard to know what is right, maybe it's better to focus on what is good? Send that email or not? Yeah, I'll let that marinade for another day... or week.... year... or delete and try to ignore/forget. (I'm not a fan of that last strategy, as it always seems to come back around. Damn social/psychological boomerang) Guess we will see.