Musings

it's really weird to be on this platform again. But I have shit to say and this seems like the most convenient place to do it. So, I am now trying to write something I can't think of anything to say. Unlike when I'm not trying to write, and I can't make my head shut up. What are you do when you care, but you don't wanna care too much be all stalker-like overly needy, overly intrusive? You just wanna know, share that you care, "give a damn" if you will, want to know that people are OK. How do you do that kindly? I've discovered I don't have the bandwidth to care about everyone equally, as crappy as it is just say. But they're just isn't enough time or emotional energy to do that. And, how do you get to choose, or truly tell your brain, your spirit, your heart whatever who is worthy of that? I think I'm super lucky that I have a lot of people in my life that I actually genuinely care for and about. From Family, to colleagues to peers, the students, and parents of student students who I've developed relationships with. That being said, sometimes I can still feel alone, or more accurately, incomplete. It's great to have people that can resonate with what you're thinking or feeling. But, I have found nobody matches all of those things. My colleagues are fantastic to talk about work with. My adult friends are wonderful to talk about varying but similar life experiences. As I write that, I think that should just be enough.. But. What do you do when you're drawn to someone? And I don't mean romantically. I just mean drawn. There's something in your brain in your spirit that really wants to connect, to know, to share, with? You are actaully interested and respect them and yheir thiughts? And what happens when that person doesn't feel the same, or communicate the same way, or doesn't want to communicate? I suppose the sterile answer is to disregard and redirect or move on, but what if it's not that simple? Pragmaticism and actual feeling- Or maybe rational and irrational thought don't balance each other here. I have never wanted to be a person who doesn't have control of their own mind, and in this matter, I'm really kind of pissed off that it feels like I don't. I have let a situation that is self created take too much of my attention and energy. And I am highly unsettled that I don't know what the right thing to do is because no decision gives me peace. To disengage. And/or be overly passive is not my MO and honestly just makes me feel rude or dismissive. To push my own desire in agenda, feels arrogant and obtrusive, which also feels rude and antagonistic, which is not my game or what I'm going after. And to totally sever any communication ( plan to avoid any and all future interaction) feels excessive and just hurts. Yeah, at this very minute, this just is another one of those things that I don't know what the right thing to do is. hopefully getting some of these thoughts down will help me track that. I have friends where I am, like real friends as I define them, going through some really tough things. We talk and i know/ believe/ trust theyd be there for me and I know Id be there for them ( to the best of my abilities). But life is hard! I guess in some way everybody is suffering hard all the time. But no one here has the analogy to my life. Most if not all of them are married and/ or with children. So even though we are dealing with aging parents, sometimes aging spouses, adventures in child rearing, I don't know how many of them think about being by themselves. I don't mind being by myself, and at times it is actually preferred and appreciated. But it's not my preferred state, generally speaking. I think I've decided I like to share. Share thoughts, share experiences, and sometimes even share space and silence with people I wanna share with. I guess I just have to figure out what to do when the people, or a person I want to share some of those things with does not feel the same. That's another thing I need to spend some time figuring out and trying to make peace with. Not doing so great with that at the moment. And pretty pissed off at myself for letting one common place interaction allow me to consider that something more? Something more relational, quid pro quo, mutually beneficial, platonic thing could exist. Perhaps that desire is just highly misdirected. Or simply not possible. Guess I'll think on that. Things to ponder....