Ever felt like this is how people treat you. I sure have. Granted sometimes, it's claused under the "what's best for the other person", but even then, the truth can be stated gently. For example, the girl question of " How does this look?" Yeah, a trap from many, but if it looks bad, a true friend will say something to the effect of "I've seen you look better in other things" although a, "You look like a purple heifer" may be more appropriate. I know that there are times or topics that are hard to broach, but honesty, even second hand if necessary, is better than dishonesty or avoidance.
I remember a guy who was interested in me in college. We had a great time together - playing tennis, hanging out. I knew he was interested, but didn't know the extent. It never came up, so I didn't think it was that crucial a topic. Although he was a "really" great guy, he was a smoker. Besides, I didn't know him well enough to be super attracted to him. Even if I had, the smoking thing would have been a _huge_ obstacle. Anyway, we were headed for summer break and we had just performed in an ensemble for the commencement ceremony. I was leaving with my horn buddies (including 2 males) for something to eat and this guy came up to wish me a good summer. Nice enough gesture, but as I was turning to leave, he must have going in for a kiss and got my ear. Uh, awkward. My friends just stood and stared. I, caught off guard and a little grossed out, said, "bye" and left. Didn't quite know what to do with that and we never ended up talking about it. I saw him the fall I returned and things were a little weird. I felt terrible. Although I wanted to talk about it, and even apologize for my part in it, I didn't want to revisit something he didn't. Why, at the time didn't he just ask or say he was interested? I wouldn't have avoided him, but I could have saved him a little embarrassment and told him I wasn't into him that way.
And what about the people who you ask to do something and are "never" available or never just tell you they aren't available? Ok, so telling someone you don't want to spend time with them is sort of like smacking them in the face, but once the smack is delivered, it's an all clear, right? Perhaps subtlety, like, "No, I'm not available to do something and probably won't be for a long time" is ok, but still a little vague. Adding in, "spending time with you is not a priority to me" may clear that up. Another possibility is, "No, I'd rather not, and I think I'll feel like that for a while". At least that doesn't offer a hope that the unavailability is likely to change anytime soon. I personally think, if one has courtesy, both deserve an explanation, although the speaker would probably need some cahones to say the truth. Because running and hiding from someone makes them feel so much better than saying, " Don't want to hang out with you. Sorry." Don't think so.
This was an article in Dear Margo ( great, I'm now reduced to reading 'Dear Margo)
> DEAR MARGO: I need your help! I have a friend I've known for about 10 years. We e-mail almost every day and get together > about once a month. The problem is, my friend is an A-type personality narcissist, and I am growing tired of her.
> Everything that is said or done has become a contest as to who is smarter/better (I am corrected on my e-mail spelling);
> she beats issues into the ground to make sure she has the last word. She is late to our get-togethers except when she
> comes to my house, and then she ignores my length of stay requests (comes early, leaves late).
> She's started to be rude and condescending, complains about everything in her life and gossips to no end. She just takes
> too much energy, and I no longer enjoy her company and wish no further contact with her. My problem: If I tell her all this, > she will deny everything and attack me.
> I simply want to go away quietly, never to have our paths cross again. If I am vague, she will hunt me down to find out why. > I don't want to be rude or mean, I just want to end the friendship. -- HAD ENOUGH
> DEAR HAD: My dear, in this situation, you do not offer reasons. Just go with the old dictum: never explain, never complain. > It is hard to imagine she was like this from the beginning, else why would you have liked her? Let us just chalk it up to
> aging badly.
> Stop with the e-mails and making dates. If she asks why, tell her you have just become very busy. If she hounds you for a > reason, simply say her behavior has started to annoy you. Odds are that she will never speak to you again.
(Perhaps this person is writing about me? Though a narcissistic thought, I sure hope they aren't. Type A narcissist? Nope, looked it up and although I have developed some type A tendencies in a few areas, I am definitely a more type B person. Narcissist? I'd have to agree that I can be on occasion. I hope not too often. If it's really bad, I wish someone would say something)
Old dictum my ass !!! Is this sound advice? A friend you've known for 10 years has started to annoy you. Uh, there's a shocker. Welcome to life. I think it might have been better to express the complaints earlier rather than right before ending the friendship. The friendship must not mean all that much. There's 10 years wasted. If you tell your friend all that is bugging you and they deny it and attack you, uh, case proven. Even if they don't agree, a true friend should hear you out and maybe even apologize. If no changes are conceded upon, you end the friendship with no dirty laundry. Shoot, most people who have been dating for just a couple months give more courtesy than the "very busy" crap. And if they don't, well, they often inherit an unfavorable nickname.
"If I am vague, she will hunt me down to find out why" Um, then don't be vague. It's not rude to be honest. It may feel mean, but it's no crueler than lying to avoid a conflict. The last sentence Margo offers, I feel is probably the best one, although still cold. If needed, I'd run with it. Besides, an A type narcissist can't be to blame so, right there, by calling one in the wrong, that may end the friendship with that. This can be a problem if the person stating complaint is a Type C personality, because then, the conflict makes sense and so does the desire not to confront it.
I can't believe this advice. I hope if the person took it, the coin never turns so that they are on the other side.
Sure. ALL relationships are hard. Maybe sometimes just too hard. But if people could just be honest, many feelings and much energy could be spared and focused on other things rather than wasted on ones that were hoped to be fruitful, aren't so, and never will be.
When has knowing the truth _really_ hurt someone in the long term? More than believing a lie?
Just tell the freakin' truth !!!!!!!!
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