It is a sad state of affairs.
My life is busy. For the most part, that's a good thing. My job is ever changing and very time consuming ( not to mention emotionally draining at times) Having a son is also very time consuming, but again, mostly pleasantly so. There are many times that with all the work, family, social ( or lack thereof - time depending) I feel overwhelmed.
Here's the irony. On days that I have "free time" defined as time when I get to chose what I want to do, I hate it. I feel like there are things I should be doing, but I don't want to do because they are "work" related ( you know, laundry, dishes, vacuuming, dusting, cleaning the car, planning the next month or so of class or planning lunches for the little one). Then, there are the things I want to do, but may feel like I am wasting time to do them ( take a walk or a bike ride, read a book at Starbucks, walk the mall with no intent of purchasing anything)
Lastly, in the midst of all that trauma, I create open invites to people who I'd like to spend a little time with, either to divert my attentions or theirs, if possible. I don't totally create a plan to fill that time, in case one or more might actually be free or willing to do something and would feel rude and disappointed if they were able to do and I wasn't. Conversely, if they are unable to do something, I am still disappointed.
In the end, I wish I didn't have the free time, because it ends up being less productive, more frustrating, and occasionally disappointing. I suppose I am just implacable. Is that a right brained problem?
It's funny that, in my younger years, I was never one for calendar keeping. I have always known what my basic daily schedule was and functioned around that. "Free spirited" my parents politely called "not" having a plan-- also known as procrastinator and unable to entertain one's self :-). I'd love and live for the last minute call to go somewhere or do something - even if it was to paint someone's house. At least I felt useful.
Now, I seem to live by the calendar. There is a small piece of accomplishment to seeing a day : 7am meeting, plan, class x5, meeting concerning (blank) 3:30 and 4 lessons dinner - pick up chicken - 6:30 homework for C, 7pm rehearsal, when home wash C uniform. etc. I practically freak out when I don't see something in a day because that inevitable free time comes in. Even free time needs to have a lunch or a walk with a friend, or car appointment. If no, it ends up a sleep in, maybe go out, come back in, day.
I don't know if this is temporary or not. At college, there were people around all the time and practice rooms when there weren't. Days were filled being with people with common interests, livelyhoods, and desires. Although I didn't do it often, I'd love to sit on the 'mall' a read or watch other people. Granted, I enjoyed it more in someone's company. Now, there's work and life. I enjoy both most of the time, but there's something missing. Besides total autonomy and a six figure salary, I wish I could put my finger on what......
I can pass the buck and blame this on my folks and sister for me being the younger child, ( like they could do anything about it) but I think I'll eat this one. One day, perhaps I'll learn the secret of contentment. Not today though.
Time to fold some more laundry and finish those lesson plans ( they're more like guidelines anyway)........
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