So tell me what you want, what you really,really want

I want to go to my happy place. Sad thing is, I think I have misplaced the map... along with my briefcase :-(

The prospect of divorce makes one, me at least, over analyze every relationship you have or have had, looking for flaws or ones to emerge. Looking for what is bad and seeing if you are to blame for it. I've read that children go through this. I didn't know adults did as well. Even when the best of situations, it encourages thoughts of self doubt. I hope the journey proves to be worthwhile and not detrimental.

I can't help but think this may go back to reflect on the "narcissistic" side of me, but I'm going to rationalize that it is important for people to know what they want. Again, my wants go to relationships.

I just read a blog where a wife tells roughly ten things that she adores about her husband. Although a little cheesy :-), I think that is great. And by the sounds of it, I am fairly positive that the husband could return the favor.

My experience has not mirrored that. At one point, after marriage, my spouse and I tried to share what we wanted from a "partner". He said, ""physical relations no less than once a week and a hot meal on the table" I think he meant this to reflect he did not have tremendous expectation, but my reaction to it was insult. I want more than that. He says that is being selfish. His expectations are supposedly easy to meet and will show that one cares.

Uh.... I want to be more to someone than that and I don't consider what I want to be icing. I almost feel them compulsory. Whether what I want is real or attainable or not, that I still have to learn, but these are some things that I want from another (a friend or other) and that I want to be able to provide to others.

#1 - Someone who makes you want to be a better person. (boy that sounds super cheesy) You know, someone who inspires you to try harder, be better, think harder.

#2 - A helper - Someone who wants to be a help or who offers aid. I want to help others, but, for fear of interfering, I usually wait until asked. I also love people who actively want to help when they are able or when "they notice" it is greatly needed.

#3 - Reliable & trustworthy - When they say something will be done, it gets done or they acknowledge why it wasn't. Everyone drops a ball here and there. But sometimes, you do something because it's your integrity that is being defined or you apologize and explain why something wasn't done and make amends. The "blow off" kinda makes me angry.

#4 - Values people - this, I think, can be shown be the way people treat and talk about others. Sometimes I feel this can be pretty hard, especially when you get the impression that you are valueless to someone else.

#5 - Has the ability to be compassionate and understanding - Not a total "all about me" person - i.e. the one who always has a one up story or can not demonstrate sympathy/empathy for another.

#6 - Not overly judgmental or at least moderately so -

#7 - Has a sense of humor - a necessity. Anyone who can make someone laugh already touches them... as long as the laughter isn't in total ridicule. Besides, everyone should be able to laugh at themselves every once in a while. And anyone who knows me needs to know that what I speak can only be taken seriously or literally about 50% of the time... depending on the day.

#8 - A picker-upper - I say this feeling a bit in Debbie Downer mode myself, but someone who helps to see the better things or the good things rather than "always" pointing out the negative. One of those little things today was, on the way to work, I enjoyed playing "hit the tumbleweed" What fun !!!

#9 - Respectable - takes care of themselves ( without going crazy) and shows common courtesies when appropriate.

#10 - Able and willing to communicate - someone who can or will try to express their thoughts, opinions, and feelings on things.

#11 - Patience and Forgiveness - :-). Hmmm. Another definite necessity and a trait I struggle with myself.

# 12 - Able to admit they have erred. - harder than it sounds

#13 - Just enjoy the company of. - You can't prescribe this one. You do, or you don't.

I'm glad I have listed these things as it reminds me of things I need to do to improve myself as well. You can't ask people in your life to be everything you aren't. Give to get. Show to be shown. Do onto others.... you know how it goes.

It's a big order,huh? Although still probably incomplete. I'll just send it to "Friends and More R US" so that I can get this puppy filled. Ah, a puppy!!! Perhaps that is the solution.

Whatever the case, for me and these matters of relationships, it's time to lay low and regroup. I told an acquaintance of mine that I have a tendency to beat my head against walls until they either break down or until it hurts too much. ("recalcitrant" I think is a fancy word for it.) In these matters, my head is broken and bleeding and the walls still stand. It may be best to let these walls alone and survey for some pasture instead, while I mend what..... needs to be mended.

Regardless, I'm gonna give this wish list to Santa. ;-) Preferably a hot one. Can't hurt to hope a little.