Do better

Do better. 

As a teacher, I believe this memo is always in the subtext, and sometimes in the forefront. We need to do better, we want our students to "do" better - understand better, take action better, etc. But what about just the human state?

Topics of address and study of late are leadership, narcissism, and avoidant tendencies. Oh, and add introvert and extrovert to this. Trying to use these topics to know better and understand them. I am a second born, so I know there is some indulgence offered to me in my upbringing. I am the child of a parent who was an only child, was married to an only child, and my own offspring is an only child. Only children can be typecast as narcissists and, I can attest, sometimes, that personality assignment is accurate. That being said though, I am very concerned that I too may demonstrate some of those undesired behaviors. And, I do not want to. Do narcissists know they are narcissists? Can they?

Know thyself. Is that mission alone narcissistic, or when on that exploration does it become so?

Today, I was met by a thing that can happen at any time, an unsuccessful text message -  "not delivered". On the surface, perhaps, this should be nothing. But, for me, it is not. It's like... someone moving and not telling you, or quiet quitting a friendship. acquaintanceship, relationship. And it cuts and stings a bit. Is feeling that way narcissistic? Is this just another setting boundaries that are to be recognized and respected? 

In this situation, there is a history of unrequited feelings. I have accepted to honor and respect the non reciprocation, and have made some peace with that. So, to be shunned feels as if I have made some error in action or judgment and can have no explanation or chance to explain or apologize. Is that thinking selfish? 

Trying to help adolescence navigate professional and personal relationships is a great privilege and responsibility, but in moments as this I wonder, "Well, you apparently don't know much" or " How can you speak about handling things when you yourself don't know the appropriate reaction or response?"

Have I acted in this manner to others? Oh, I hope not as this feels... quite unpleasant on the other end.

One of the capstone questions for our senior students is, "What is it to live the good life?" For years, I have hated that question as I felt it judgmental. Now, I think the question may mean, by what compass can you choose your thoughts and actions that offer peace in that you acted justly or correctly.

As for the others, I want to understand those personalities. I don't self-classify as those but I also do not want to bully those who have those traits, or allow myself to be hurt by actions that are totally unrelated to me. I don't want to be narcissistic in thinking it is about me, but I also don't want to be an avoidant and not acknowledge or accept responsibilities that may be mine. How is one to truly know???

Overthinking? Most likely, but there is something said about the unexamined life, isn't there? I have to promise myself to care and love about those in my circles of neighbors, colleagues, friends and family as I always have. In that care, perhaps hurt is part of that offering.  I need people, always have. I like extending the hand and having it accepted or having the same exchange in reciprocal. When someone doesn't want the hand, that has to be acceptable, but, I don't know how to be ambivalent to it. I am scared of teaching myself to be too insulated and protective of my own feelings. I know that one should not be unprotected, but, to not allow openness and that possibility to connect - don't think that MO is for me.

Openly disclosing boundaries, that is also a facet of this. Note the word "open". I am not a fan of the "I'm taking my toys and going home" approach, but, it seems to a popular one currently.

I think I will pause on my thoughts for now. I'm older and my eyes are not what they once were. I think that statement may have layers of meaning in itself.

In short, I make statement to myself and to all who might see this. Do right and do better.