Onward or around in circles

November. 2 months until the completion of another calendar year. So much the same and so much different.

I have been thinking of writing for many weeks, and have been distracted or procrastinating or lacking purpose... or energy.

I have started a post entitled discipline of habit and laugh that this blog is an example of almost the opposite. Not sure where to put that though.

Now, I have to walk before a concert, meeting, and rehearsal... on a Sunday mind you. Yesterday, I did laundry and slept. Was supposed to have dinner with a friend ( which was my reason for getting out of my house/ comfy clothes..... pajamas) and they cancelled last minute. In shame, as much as I would have loved the hang, I was relieved. Took my walk instead.

I think I need to read/ listen to a "Purpose Driven Life" as sometimes I find myself... lost. Not in a desperate way, just recalibrating I guess.

I went to San Francisco a few weeks back. I had gone the previous year and had wanted to go again. The first time being somewhere is great, but a little anxiety causing too. The second time, I had a little more comfort and more purpose. Some of that went awry, but some things happened unexpectedly. I am trying very hard to be comfortable by myself. It's not like I have been lacking in practice, but, I don't like it... yet.

In SF, I was waiting for a cable car and was in line with a lovely Indian man, a young couple with a baby from Sweden and an older couple from Britain ( Britain and Ireland to be more accurate) They were on a detour from Tahiti to South America. Oh, and there was a local friend couple too. I was eavesdropping as I knew no one. Came to hear the foreigners thoughts on SF and New York. Came to find out the bar on the corner was known for and actually does serve a proper Irish coffee ( as reviewed by the Irish woman) and an interesting conversation from the locals concerning an article in the NYT. There was the question, "What do people do when AI does their jobs?". This resonated. I'm not superficially concerned about this, but more deeply. I have seen retired people, not retire and/or fight to keep their purpose... A purpose after they have 'completed' their career. What happens when a person defines their existence by their role in the family or their job? What happens when they complete that job or that task doesn't need their attention anymore? My father is 'existing' and not with much grace. I do understand to the extent I can, but his indulgence in self pity and what could be seen as languishing is not pleasant. He has several legit obstacles, but instead of finding options and goals to move forward, he is just "taking it as it comes'. I'm not here to judge, but to observe and decide... is this path one I respect, tolerate, replicate??

I have more to say on age and change, but the bigger deal is, what are we doing? What am I doing? What is its purpose and is that purpose good? These seem like heavy questions, but really, they are just for purpose and direction.

In in-service yesterday, a younger colleague was speaking about a student athlete who missed a practice because they chose not to go. She said something that I want to remember. She told that student until you are willing to be inconvenienced for or by and/or have to make sacrifices to something, you have not committed to it. I want to think and explore this more. It ties back to excellence and commitment - more than punchlines but modalities. And, how does a person work to make themselves or their habits excellent. ( as I write via procrastination vs active choice) Is it what the common man calls "privilege" to even have time to think about these things, versus working every day for 12+ hours in hard labor or have commitments every minute of every day? Or are people supposed to think of these things to stay balanced, calibrated? I do think a person has to be careful not to be so consumed with philosophical ideas that they think about life more than live it, but where is the balance?

I'll post some pictures now - as I have to get to my walk before my time to do so isn't there anymore. There is always more time to blather on ;-)