Do better.
As a teacher, I believe this memo is always in the subtext, and sometimes in the forefront. We need to do better, we want our students to "do" better - understand better, take action better, etc. But what about just the human state?
Topics of address and study of late are leadership, narcissism, and avoidant tendencies. Oh, and add introvert and extrovert to this. Trying to use these topics to know better and understand them. I am a second born, so I know there is some indulgence offered to me in my upbringing. I am the child of a parent who was an only child, was married to an only child, and my own offspring is an only child. The "only" child can be typecast as narcissists and, I can attest, sometimes, that personality assignment is accurate. It doesn't have to be the only descriptor and, when childrearing, I may have pushed a little too hard to try an avoid that trait being supported in my child. Think of others, take care of team before self, serve more than strive, share, etc. That being said though, I am very concerned that I too may demonstrate some of those undesired behaviors. And, I do not want to. Do narcissists know they are narcissists? Can they?
Know thyself. Is that mission alone narcissistic, or when on that exploration does it become so? You can only address yourself and not others. One needs to fix the "man in the mirror". When does that become narcissicism? On the converse, can one be too concerned with the thoughts and feelings of others? What or where is the mean or medium?
Today, I was met by a thing that can happen at any time, an unsuccessful text message - "not delivered". On the surface, perhaps, this should be nothing. But, for me, it is not. It's like... someone moving and not telling you, or quiet quitting a friendship. acquaintanceship, relationship. It cuts and stings a bit. Is feeling that way narcissistic? Is this just another setting boundaries that are to be recognized and respected? Be it known I would LOVE to be a person that can handle these things with composure and pragmaticism, but sadly, I fail at that far too often.
In this situation, there is a history of unrequited feelings. I have accepted to honor and respect the non reciprocation, and have made some peace with that. I would rather have some connection than none. What if the other does not reciprocate even in that? So, to be shunned feels as if I have made some error in action or judgment and can have no explanation or chance to explain or apologize. Is that thinking selfish?
And, what if this is just an incident or technological error? The reality that the other circumstance is so forefront in my own mind is cause for concern. Both because it preoccupies so much real estate and that I can, what I believe, defend the thought of a quiet quit as highly probable.
It's also conceivable that this was simply a number change or the like, where I am not a consideration in the slightest. Perhaps the minimalist consideration value is hurtful there, but may not be malicious.
Trying to help adolescents navigate professional and personal relationships is a great privilege and responsibility, but in moments as this I wonder, "Well, you apparently don't know much" or " How can you speak about handling things when you yourself don't know the appropriate reaction or response?"
Have I acted in this manner to others? Oh, I hope not as this feels... quite unpleasant on the other end.
A capstone questions for our senior students is, "What is it to live the good life?" For years, I have hated that question as I felt it judgmental. Now, I think the question may mean, by what compass can you choose your thoughts and actions that offer peace in that you acted justly or correctly.
As for the other personalities, I want to understand those. I don't want to misread those who think and behave differently than myself. MY way isn't the right way, it's just the way I know best ( and perhaps, I don't know it that well) I don't self-classify as those personalities listed above, but I also do not want to bully those who have those traits, or allow myself to be hurt by actions that are totally unrelated to me. I don't want to be narcissistic in thinking it is about me, but I also don't want to be an avoidant and not acknowledge or accept responsibilities that may be mine. How is one to truly know???
Overthinking? Most likely, but there is something said about the unexamined life, isn't there? I have to promise myself to care and love about those in my circles of neighbors, colleagues, friends and family as I always have. In that care, perhaps hurt is part of that offering. I need people, always have. I like extending the hand and having it accepted or having the same exchange in reciprocal. When someone doesn't want the hand, ( oh, let's be frank, me or my presence) that has to be acceptable, but, I don't know how to be ambivalent to it. I am scared of teaching myself to be too insulated and protective of my own feelings. I know that one should not be unprotected, but, to not allow openness and that possibility to connect - don't think that MO is for me.
Openly disclosing boundaries is also a facet of this. Note the word "open". I am not a fan of the "I'm taking my toys and going home" approach, but, it seems to a popular one currently. I'm trying to decide how I feel about the "conflict avoidant" avoidance strategy. Currently, I find it highly distasteful if not unethical. I can sympathize about not wanting to engage or indulge conflict, but I don't find avoidance is the most appropriate tact. Perhaps it is more situational decision than procedural one?
How do people control, moderate, and control one's self response or more importantly, thoughts and feeling on these matters? Do most people actively decide the potency others will have on themselves or does it just happen? I want to explore this much more, but I'm not sure to what goal, other than self setting limits. Reverence, respect, admiration, disdain, dismissal, other emotional responses and feelings - how are these created and controlled? I have and do have all these feelings for people in my circles, inner and outer. How they come about varies greatly and I suppose, all shift in flight. Titles are almost meaningless to me, but optics (especially those seen through action) speak greatest. Perhaps, this is why this singular incident feels so big? But, is it logical that I should let it? Have I mis-assigned the relationship or the other party? It may be important to address these questions - if not overdue.
I think I will pause on my thoughts for now. I'm older and my eyes are not what they once were. I think that statement may have layers of meaning in itself.
In short, I make statement to myself and to all who might see this. Always try to do right and do better. The alternatives leave more in the wake than the main player may realize.
