Do better

Do better. 

As a teacher, I believe this memo is always in the subtext, and sometimes in the forefront. We need to do better, we want our students to "do" better - understand better, take action better, etc. But what about just the human state?

Topics of address and study of late are leadership, narcissism, and avoidant tendencies. Oh, and add introvert and extrovert to this. Trying to use these topics to know better and understand them. I am a second born, so I know there is some indulgence offered to me in my upbringing. I am the child of a parent who was an only child, was married to an only child, and my own offspring is an only child. The "only" child can be typecast as narcissists and, I can attest, sometimes, that personality assignment is accurate.  It doesn't have to be the only descriptor and, when childrearing, I may have pushed a little too hard to try an avoid that trait being supported in my child.  Think of others, take care of team before self, serve more than strive, share, etc. That being said though, I am very concerned that I too may demonstrate some of those undesired behaviors. And, I do not want to. Do narcissists know they are narcissists? Can they?

Know thyself. Is that mission alone narcissistic, or when on that exploration does it become so? You can only address yourself and not others. One needs to fix the "man in the mirror".  When does that become narcissicism? On the converse, can one be too concerned with the thoughts and feelings of others? What or where is the mean or medium?

Today, I was met by a thing that can happen at any time, an unsuccessful text message -  "not delivered". On the surface, perhaps, this should be nothing. But, for me, it is not. It's like... someone moving and not telling you, or quiet quitting a friendship. acquaintanceship, relationship. It cuts and stings a bit. Is feeling that way narcissistic? Is this just another setting boundaries that are to be recognized and respected? Be it known I would LOVE to be a person that can handle these things with composure and pragmaticism, but sadly, I fail at that far too often.

In this situation, there is a history of unrequited feelings. I have accepted to honor and respect the non reciprocation, and have made some peace with that. I would rather have some connection than none. What if the other does not reciprocate even in that? So, to be shunned feels as if I have made some error in action or judgment and can have no explanation or chance to explain or apologize. Is that thinking selfish? 

And, what if this is just an incident or technological error? The reality that the other circumstance is so forefront in my own mind is cause for concern. Both because it preoccupies so much real estate and that I can, what I believe, defend the thought of a quiet quit as highly probable.

It's also conceivable that this was simply a number change or the like, where I am not a consideration in the slightest. Perhaps the minimalist consideration value is hurtful there, but may not be malicious.

Trying to help adolescents navigate professional and personal relationships is a great privilege and responsibility, but in moments as this I wonder, "Well, you apparently don't know much" or " How can you speak about handling things when you yourself don't know the appropriate reaction or response?"

Have I acted in this manner to others? Oh, I hope not as this feels... quite unpleasant on the other end. 

A capstone questions for our senior students is, "What is it to live the good life?" For years, I have hated that question as I felt it judgmental. Now, I think the question may mean, by what compass can you choose your thoughts and actions that offer peace in that you acted justly or correctly.

As for the others personalities, I want to understand those. I don't want to misread those who think and behave differently than myself. MY way isn't the right way, it's just the way I know best ( and perhaps, I don't know it that well)  I don't self-classify as those personalities listed above, but I also do not want to bully those who have those traits, or allow myself to be hurt by actions that are totally unrelated to me. I don't want to be narcissistic in thinking it is about me, but I also don't want to be an avoidant and not acknowledge or accept responsibilities that may be mine. How is one to truly know???

Overthinking? Most likely, but there is something said about the unexamined life, isn't there? I have to promise myself to care and love about those in my circles of neighbors, colleagues, friends and family as I always have. In that care, perhaps hurt is part of that offering.  I need people, always have. I like extending the hand and having it accepted or having the same exchange in reciprocal. When someone doesn't want the hand, ( oh, let's be frank, me or my presence) that has to be acceptable, but, I don't know how to be ambivalent to it. I am scared of teaching myself to be too insulated and protective of my own feelings. I know that one should not be unprotected, but, to not allow openness and that possibility to connect - don't think that MO is for me.

Openly disclosing boundaries is also a facet of this. Note the word "open". I am not a fan of the "I'm taking my toys and going home" approach, but, it seems to a popular one currently. I'm trying to decide how I feel about the "conflict avoidant" avoidance strategy. Currently, I find it highly distasteful if not unethical. I can sympathize about not wanting to engage or indulge conflict, but I don't find avoidance is the most appropriate tact. Perhaps it is more situational decision than procedural one?

How to control, moderate, and control one's self response or more importantly, thoughts and feeling on the matters? Do most people actively decide the potency others will have on themselves or does it just happen? I want to explore this much more, but I'm not sure to what goal, other than self setting limits. Reverence, respect, admiration, disdain, dismissal, other emotional responses and feelings - how are these created and controlled?  I have and do have all these feelings for people in my circles, inner and outer. How they come about varies greatly and I suppose, all shift in flight. Titles are almost meaningless to me, but optics (especially those seen through action) speak greatest. Perhaps, this is why this singular incident feels so big? But, is it logical that I should let it? Have I mis-assigned the relationship or the other party? It may be important to address these questions  - if not overdue.

I think I will pause on my thoughts for now. I'm older and my eyes are not what they once were. I think that statement may have layers of meaning in itself.

In short, I make statement to myself and to all who might see this. Always try to do right and do better. The alternatives leave more in the wake than the main player may realize.

What's next?

Hello again,

As per usual, when I sit down to write, the organization of thought is less than orderly. ( shrug)

I didn't look to see the last time I wrote, but so much "life" has happened simply in the last calendar year. From friends passing away ( some foreseeable and some surprize), developments or not in professional circles, family "living" and just aging, there is really a lot going on. 

Again, and as usual, I have thoughts on most all of it, but then the analysis and reflection on those thoughts can sometimes create more anxiety and angst then orginal thoughts themselves. I don't know if that is "normal", a peri/menapause thing, another version of chemical imbalance, or just the run of the adventure of life. And no, not thinking on it is not a viable option... for me.

I am fortunate ( well, 88% of the tme) to get to work with people ages 12-70. From students to colleagues, I will alway count myself lucky to be able to meet some very, VERY incredible people. Age does not discriminate - talent, character, ethic, ( that's all I can think of at the moment). It can, I suppose, limit opportunity and perspective. I have met very kind hearted and intelligent teenagers and some real self righteous inanely ignorant adult assholes.

Ok, this is a digression. I just wanted to give credit where it is due.

In a career, I suppose it is the "right" thing or the recommended course, to have goals for experience and growth. Aagin, my luck is that I teach a subject that doesn't "rinse and repeat" like a book driven course or one with a hard plotted curriculum. On that flip side, doing this job, ( or maybe any job) for 20+ years can make it feel.... less variable and exciting ( sounds trite, I know)

In your 20's, the world is your oyster. One just tries to "make it" and find out what they can and want to do. In the 30's it's develop that career and possibly raise a family. In your 40's ( hmm..... i can't remember. Is that a repeat of the 30's, just better??) Post 40, I suppose it's to plan for the next decade or 2 of life -  Secure the finances, take care of the aging parents, support the adult children. Is it this possible train track that motivates the "midlife" crisis??

Does anyone else sometimes think the race of life is getting more challenging rather than hitting a pocket or stride?  I never expected life to get easier. I did think that I would get a little better at it though ;-)

(I may have written about this before) The former? Duke ladies bball team coach told her team, "Don't wait for the game/ life to get easier, because it doesn't. We just get better at doing hard things." Man, if that isn't a simultaneous smack in the face and a punch to the gut. I suppose that is true, if a person makes it so, but......(there always seems to a but) what if you get a little fatigued from all the hard??

As all of life is happening, from the inner circle to the spires that reach from it, what's next? How does one plan for what can be planned for, and release care and responsibility of what you don't know about, can't know about or just can't see coming ?

In a dialogue a while ago, some friends were talking about what the plans or desires were for a milestone birthday. That conversation did prompt my thinking of what I wanted to do and I've started doing some of those things. In doing so, I sometimes get caught in thinking if doing those things is totally selfish and/or serving something better? And or, sometimes there is a catch of doing it alone versus with others. That is a cost benefit analysis that seems to exist in a volatile market. - for me at least.

And then there is just FOMO. I believe FOMO can be justified as, this year has proven, the givens in life, well, just aren't.

Ugh. Life is good ( most of the time) but sometimes, it's just a wee bit confusing and fatiguing.

From people coming and going, living and dying, politics politicking, health and aging, uncertain economies, and Dolly Parton passing ...  honest to God.....what's next?!?!?!

Running, reflecting, wishing... all the things

Ok, this week has been a rollercoaster!

Professionally it is. We have an ensemble performing for a state festival on Monday and rehearsals the past 2 weeks have been erratic at best. Between All-State band, senior event absences, testing, illness, and everything else I am forgetting, we haven't had the band together but maybe 4 times. Boy, is this proving challenging to faciltiate a cohesive performance. It's like people talking but not listening to each other. Readind a script with no acting. But... it does give credence to the dissenting argument to the idea that "knowing your part is good enough". The conversation is key. Monday will prove to be an adventure.

My former FIL was in the ICU with a masssive PE in his lung on Tuesday. I got a call and text from my son, with more urgency than normal. Once I got connected with him the message was " this is what has happened and I'm currently on 25. Wanted you to know" My response was, "I'll beat you there". All is well for now, but there was so much to learn and remember. #1 - no one wants to be alone in a hospital. So when they say " you don't need to come" never listen. #2 - family is paramount #3 - trust your gut and ask questions #4 - It's an amazing thing to see you child evolve into an adult. And even better when you really like and respect that adult. #5 - exercise and drink water

Played a non-traditional gig with a house band at a...uh.... "dinner theater". Oh my goodness. It was so so fun. I loved it. It was like a pro gig meets HS jazz and pep band. The house band was great and played classic rock charts. You could rock out in your chair. Some of the audience was dancing. It was just cathartic and I really did love it!

Going to San Fransisco was so good... but bad too. I now have a bug to travel and need to decide where, why, when and with who. I should just simplify this and make it easy but..... it's never that easy. And now, I return to want and need, hope and expectation. I don't want to spend the time to write down my thoughts now, but, again a summary is - Paris and Strausborg(sp)? Salzberg and Vienna? Back to CA for Monterey and Big Sur? Back to Ouray?? And what is more important - the where and the who, or the location and the expectation???? UGH!!!!!!!

Lastly, the whole dating thing is back on the table, but that too brings complication. Adventure and experimentation or distraction and substitution? In the end, does it matter? I'm really asking.... DOES it matter?

Das ist sehr kompliziert!!!

hope vs expectation - work in progress

So, ir's 10:30+ and my 2x a week 6:45am class is tomorrow, which means I should be trying to sleep. But, wanted to write down this thought from the weekend before I called it:

Hope vs expectation - the differences between the 2.

I have been.... vexed? by a comment someone made early in the year about not having to deal with disappointment as they had no expectations - specifically of people. At this point, I'm pretty sure I have twisted this up in some way, but this is what I remember. I didn't like this as it felt fatalist or, at bare minimum, a little depressing. So, I have been arguing it... with myself.

This topic came up with my friend and I and they said something for me to ponder - they agreed, in part, with the sentiment. I was shocked but then they explained. When you know someone, or maybe typecast them?, you learn what is their MO, their way, or maybe just about them. In that, you shouldn't expect behaviors or acts that fall outside of that MO, regardless of what you think or want. Hmm. In short, don't expect people to be who they aren't. That sounds like a "duh" at it's simplest state but..... I haven't fully injested the cool-aid yet.

I really do want to think the best of people, more often than not. But I never stopped to think that what "I" think is good, proper, kind, appropriate, etc isn't a generalized knowledge or state. Different strokes for different folks, right? So, it's not fair to expect these things.... sometimes. And what if you witness potential and possibility? Is the desire to see these manifest hope or expectation?

And it may not be wise to percieve or interpret the actions of others, save within the lens of what you know to be consistent and true of that person.

I really need/ want to think on this.

They did go to say that the kind of relationship can alter general expectation. I'll elaborate later ( maybe) but, from student to boss to significant other I really want to parse this out. I don't want to not have expectations - it actually angers me when people have no expectations of me ( another talking point) but, rather having expectations that are based in reality or even in history might prohibit disappointment.

And then there is hope.

So, here is the ball of yarn I hope to untangle a bit over time. Right now, need to sleep to be psuedo functional for class.

It is what it is.

No regrets, but...what's next?

So, my solo expeditiion actually went even better than anticipated. Save some unexpected exercise. A humorous story I hope I don't forget to share.

I actually have some anxiety ( coming to hate that word as it seems over inflated and gets far to much play time) about travelling solo. Emergency/evacuation/ drama - I don't actually have a lot of experience with these things and have little to no idea how I would handle them. But, if I think about it, I don't really think I'm that much more practiced with 2 or more people either. Perhaps it's just the comfort of 2 minds are supposedly better than one? But the "what if's" can overpopulate the mind and become stressful.

Facing this fear, I up and left. The destination I think played a part in setting my mind at ease. There's just something about the air when you are close to water - IMO - and I could feel that once I got out of the airport. From there, the public transport scene was pretty clear, easily discoverable, and easily managed. This is always a win! One of the reasons I sometimes feel a little "strip locked" in Vegas is not knowing how much or how easy it is to get off the trip ( past Fremont of course).

Then, there's the almightly to-do list. Always more fun when it's maleable and self constructed. I had a top..... 1,2,3,4,5,6... 6 things to do and was able to add 3 more by recommendation and happy circumstance.

I spent 3 nights, and really, 4 days away. I think for solo travel this may have been the perfect amount. I was beginning to hunt a little too much at the end.

I did learn to enjoy the solo travel and I think I am teachable here (which is a plus), but in the end, yeah...I love people. The initial day's boat tour was perfect as I really didn't want to engage folks on a travel day.. any more than necessary. So riding on the boat being told what I am looking at and taking pictures was more than perfect. Then a little walking and town exploring. Day 2 was a larger tour of the city and sites outside. There were 2 older women, friends from Wisconsin, who were sociable and fun to talk with. Then, being a proud UMD grad, I had on some MD outerwear and that allowed me to meet a youngish journalist and her 2 friends in from Germany. This collection of people, plus a pretty cool tour guide, made that tour even better - and I got several great recommendations of places to eat and a solicitation to visit Nuremburg :-)

Got to meet a friend that evening,( the no expectations component)and saw another town, which was surprisingly super cool. It was actually a super fun excersion and I'm so happy my friend could accomodate!!! It was short, but the place had a very interesting vibe to it. If the occassion would ever allow, seeing more of it in daylight would be nice too.

Road on the El Camino Real. ( and learned what that translated too) That just makes my nerd brain smile.

Day 3 was Alcatraz. Glad it did it, but want to do that one at night now. Based on recommendation, I went to visit the Coit Tower - but was grossly uniformed.I arrived about 2 hours before my boarding time, so I thought that was plenty of time. I checked the site on the web and plotted how to get there BUT...... I didn't think to check grade or steps. SOB!!! From the trolley car stop to the Tower, it said 15 minutes walking. Ok, cool, no problem. So, only about 1/4 mi of that was flat. The rest was an INSANE incline of about 300 ( I don't know - I was too short of breath to count) steps. Where I live, there's a thing called the incline. Yeah, I feel like I was training for it!!!! My legs were screaming and made of jello by the time I reached the tower. The vistas were very impressive. Then I went to the tower itself. Elevator OUT OF SERVICE! Yeah, that's not great news when the tower climb is 13 flights. I had to choose whether to lose the Alactraz tickets and climb or abort. I aborted, but mind you I then had to/chose to descend those stairs which I had just climbed. Sitting on the ferry to Alcatraz was a gift from God. It was windy as hell, but Alcatraz was pretty cool and worth it. Then, after killing some time on the pier I headed to dinner via a driverless car. It was pretty slick. But.... I don't often wear my seatbelt - don't judge. But the car stopped until I put it on. That was funny... and a little bossy really.

Dinner was at a pizza joint that had been hailed as 2nd best in the country next to a New York operation. Meh, worth the shot. There was a line, but running solo I was able to snag a seat at the bar with no wait. Ended up sitting next to a friendly ( not in the gross way) 45-55 year old guy from San Diego and 2 folks in town to see the MD basketball game. Then a Boston bartender came in for ice cream and to talk to his friend, the bartender at the joint I was at. We eventually all started talking and laughing - talking about B'ball MD, CO, CA, MA, accents, food - you name it. I had a flavorful cocktail and my pizza came first. It wasn't huge but too much for me, so I offered the guy a slice. He actually accepted and ate 2 pieces and then shared his pie when it came. I thought this was precious - who does that with a stranger?? His family was in a hotel nearby and he was taking food for them when he left. I gave him another piece of my pie and he gave me on of his for the road - AND shared a glass of red wine. All this to say the place and environment was so welcoming and friendly it was a highlight for me!

Day 4 was the symphony and Lombard Street. I won't recap all of that but to say, I so glad I did it, and once again,my legs are killing me.

So, what's next? I'm really wondering if I shouldn't explore options in tourism and travel for my next chapter. The whole COVID thing makes me question that a little but.... it's intriguing nonetheless. Stay tuned and we will see what the next months - years hold. It's a serious consideration though.

Battery is dying so, I'll check in later.

Get busy living or get busy dying

One of my favorite films is "Shawshank Redemption". I have liked it from first viewing, but, in the last 5+ years, I find it more philosophical. That quote by Andy, " Get busy living or get busy dying" rang hard in my ears as I made arrangements for an impromptu trip. That, and a line from one that was something in regards to "I don't rely on others" It was a little more innocuous than that, but the idea was to not rely on others to do things.

Though I totally prefer doing things with others ( traveling/ eating/etc) I guess the bigger deal is that I need to learn to enjoy things... just me. Yeah, I'll still want to talk about them with people, but the act of doing is all me.

When I was mentioning this trip, it was plan A of plans A, B and C. It's currently spring break. That alone, normally means restorative sleep. Granted, that too would have been nice but, from Jan through early March, it feels like I have been sick - warn down, to actually sick. That and, on a festival day, I'm under the weather and get slammed in the head by a cross bar of a bus door. Meh, now I have a scapegoat for congnitive lackings ;-)

So, I wanted to have an adventure. I was waiting for some sign that this was the "right" call. I don't know that "that" specifically happened, but my nayayers were less in number than supporters, and, the fiscal impact isn't insurmoutable. That was enough for me.

Let's face it, I don't know if or when I can make this trip again. I don't know if my job will exist in a year. I don't know if my health or anything else would not allow this to be possible. So. there it is. I chose to live.

Gotta head to bed. Early morning activities tomorrow.

Let's see how I feel when it's over :-)

Student Soundbites

I've been away for a while. Boy, constancy is work and I am failing at that. Here was just a quote from a student that made me chuckle, but that I totally resonated with. Note, this student has been out of school with an injury, but I still got what they were saying: " I've been alone with myself for far too long" Food for thought. Come on Spring Break!!