Meine Deutsche hausaufgabe

Ich muss jeden tag eine idee auf Deutche schreiben. Das hat mir mein freund gesagt. Das ist wichtig.

Heute, mein konzertband hat fur veterans day gespeilt. Sie klingt sehr gut.

Tada.

The kids played great. I am still a little under the weather, but... the things still need to get done.

Does anyone one else suffer from thinking throughout the day, all the tasks that you need to /want to get done only to get settled in and then poof, you can't remember them?? I had thoughts to process and quotes to remember. Perhaps, I will try again tomorrow ;-)

Some fall colors to enjoy. And red is rarity here, so it's nice to see!!

Gedanke des abends

Kennst du das, wenn die Toilette sauber ist, weil man krank davorliegt?

(Ich habe KI hilfe gebraucht)

Deutsch ist schwer. :-)

Onward or around in circles

November. 2 months until the completion of another calendar year. So much the same and so much different.

I have been thinking of writing for many weeks, and have been distracted or procrastinating or lacking purpose... or energy.

I have started a post entitled discipline of habit and laugh that this blog is an example of almost the opposite. Not sure where to put that though.

Now, I have to walk before a concert, meeting, and rehearsal... on a Sunday mind you. Yesterday, I did laundry and slept. Was supposed to have dinner with a friend ( which was my reason for getting out of my house/ comfy clothes..... pajamas) and they cancelled last minute. In shame, as much as I would have loved the hang, I was relieved. Took my walk instead.

I think I need to read/ listen to a "Purpose Driven Life" as sometimes I find myself... lost. Not in a desperate way, just recalibrating I guess.

I went to San Francisco a few weeks back. I had gone the previous year and had wanted to go again. The first time being somewhere is great, but a little anxiety causing too. The second time, I had a little more comfort and more purpose. Some of that went awry, but some things happened unexpectedly. I am trying very hard to be comfortable by myself. It's not like I have been lacking in practice, but, I don't like it... yet.

In SF, I was waiting for a cable car and was in line with a lovely Indian man, a young couple with a baby from Sweden and an older couple from Britain ( Britain and Ireland to be more accurate) They were on a detour from Tahiti to South America. Oh, and there was a local friend couple too. I was eavesdropping as I knew no one. Came to hear the foreigners thoughts on SF and New York. Came to find out the bar on the corner was known for and actually does serve a proper Irish coffee ( as reviewed by the Irish woman) and an interesting conversation from the locals concerning an article in the NYT. There was the question, "What do people do when AI does their jobs?". This resonated. I'm not superficially concerned about this, but more deeply. I have seen retired people, not retire and/or fight to keep their purpose... A purpose after they have 'completed' their career. What happens when a person defines their existence by their role in the family or their job? What happens when they complete that job or that task doesn't need their attention anymore? My father is 'existing' and not with much grace. I do understand to the extent I can, but his indulgence in self pity and what could be seen as languishing is not pleasant. He has several legit obstacles, but instead of finding options and goals to move forward, he is just "taking it as it comes'. I'm not here to judge, but to observe and decide... is this path one I respect, tolerate, replicate??

I have more to say on age and change, but the bigger deal is, what are we doing? What am I doing? What is its purpose and is that purpose good? These seem like heavy questions, but really, they are just for purpose and direction.

In in-service yesterday, a younger colleague was speaking about a student athlete who missed a practice because they chose not to go. She said something that I want to remember. She told that student until you are willing to be inconvenienced for or by and/or have to make sacrifices to something, you have not committed to it. I want to think and explore this more. It ties back to excellence and commitment - more than punchlines but modalities. And, how does a person work to make themselves or their habits excellent. ( as I write via procrastination vs active choice) Is it what the common man calls "privilege" to even have time to think about these things, versus working every day for 12+ hours in hard labor or have commitments every minute of every day? Or are people supposed to think of these things to stay balanced, calibrated? I do think a person has to be careful not to be so consumed with philosophical ideas that they think about life more than live it, but where is the balance?

I'll post some pictures now - as I have to get to my walk before my time to do so isn't there anymore. There is always more time to blather on ;-)

Do better

Do better. 

As a teacher, I believe this memo is always in the subtext, and sometimes in the forefront. We need to do better, we want our students to "do" better - understand better, take action better, etc. But what about just the human state?

Topics of address and study of late are leadership, narcissism, and avoidant tendencies. Oh, and add introvert and extrovert to this. Trying to use these topics to know better and understand them. I am a second born, so I know there is some indulgence offered to me in my upbringing. I am the child of a parent who was an only child, was married to an only child, and my own offspring is an only child. The "only" child can be typecast as narcissists and, I can attest, sometimes, that personality assignment is accurate.  It doesn't have to be the only descriptor and, when childrearing, I may have pushed a little too hard to try an avoid that trait being supported in my child.  Think of others, take care of team before self, serve more than strive, share, etc. That being said though, I am very concerned that I too may demonstrate some of those undesired behaviors. And, I do not want to. Do narcissists know they are narcissists? Can they?

Know thyself. Is that mission alone narcissistic, or when on that exploration does it become so? You can only address yourself and not others. One needs to fix the "man in the mirror".  When does that become narcissicism? On the converse, can one be too concerned with the thoughts and feelings of others? What or where is the mean or medium?

Today, I was met by a thing that can happen at any time, an unsuccessful text message -  "not delivered". On the surface, perhaps, this should be nothing. But, for me, it is not. It's like... someone moving and not telling you, or quiet quitting a friendship. acquaintanceship, relationship. It cuts and stings a bit. Is feeling that way narcissistic? Is this just another setting boundaries that are to be recognized and respected? Be it known I would LOVE to be a person that can handle these things with composure and pragmaticism, but sadly, I fail at that far too often.

In this situation, there is a history of unrequited feelings. I have accepted to honor and respect the non reciprocation, and have made some peace with that. I would rather have some connection than none. What if the other does not reciprocate even in that? So, to be shunned feels as if I have made some error in action or judgment and can have no explanation or chance to explain or apologize. Is that thinking selfish? 

And, what if this is just an incident or technological error? The reality that the other circumstance is so forefront in my own mind is cause for concern. Both because it preoccupies so much real estate and that I can, what I believe, defend the thought of a quiet quit as highly probable.

It's also conceivable that this was simply a number change or the like, where I am not a consideration in the slightest. Perhaps the minimalist consideration value is hurtful there, but may not be malicious.

Trying to help adolescents navigate professional and personal relationships is a great privilege and responsibility, but in moments as this I wonder, "Well, you apparently don't know much" or " How can you speak about handling things when you yourself don't know the appropriate reaction or response?"

Have I acted in this manner to others? Oh, I hope not as this feels... quite unpleasant on the other end. 

A capstone questions for our senior students is, "What is it to live the good life?" For years, I have hated that question as I felt it judgmental. Now, I think the question may mean, by what compass can you choose your thoughts and actions that offer peace in that you acted justly or correctly.

As for the other personalities, I want to understand those. I don't want to misread those who think and behave differently than myself. MY way isn't the right way, it's just the way I know best ( and perhaps, I don't know it that well)  I don't self-classify as those personalities listed above, but I also do not want to bully those who have those traits, or allow myself to be hurt by actions that are totally unrelated to me. I don't want to be narcissistic in thinking it is about me, but I also don't want to be an avoidant and not acknowledge or accept responsibilities that may be mine. How is one to truly know???

Overthinking? Most likely, but there is something said about the unexamined life, isn't there? I have to promise myself to care and love about those in my circles of neighbors, colleagues, friends and family as I always have. In that care, perhaps hurt is part of that offering.  I need people, always have. I like extending the hand and having it accepted or having the same exchange in reciprocal. When someone doesn't want the hand, ( oh, let's be frank, me or my presence) that has to be acceptable, but, I don't know how to be ambivalent to it. I am scared of teaching myself to be too insulated and protective of my own feelings. I know that one should not be unprotected, but, to not allow openness and that possibility to connect - don't think that MO is for me.

Openly disclosing boundaries is also a facet of this. Note the word "open". I am not a fan of the "I'm taking my toys and going home" approach, but, it seems to a popular one currently. I'm trying to decide how I feel about the "conflict avoidant" avoidance strategy. Currently, I find it highly distasteful if not unethical. I can sympathize about not wanting to engage or indulge conflict, but I don't find avoidance is the most appropriate tact. Perhaps it is more situational decision than procedural one?

How do people control, moderate, and control one's self response or more importantly, thoughts and feeling on these matters? Do most people actively decide the potency others will have on themselves or does it just happen? I want to explore this much more, but I'm not sure to what goal, other than self setting limits. Reverence, respect, admiration, disdain, dismissal, other emotional responses and feelings - how are these created and controlled?  I have and do have all these feelings for people in my circles, inner and outer. How they come about varies greatly and I suppose, all shift in flight. Titles are almost meaningless to me, but optics (especially those seen through action) speak greatest. Perhaps, this is why this singular incident feels so big? But, is it logical that I should let it? Have I mis-assigned the relationship or the other party? It may be important to address these questions  - if not overdue.

I think I will pause on my thoughts for now. I'm older and my eyes are not what they once were. I think that statement may have layers of meaning in itself.

In short, I make statement to myself and to all who might see this. Always try to do right and do better. The alternatives leave more in the wake than the main player may realize.

What's next?

Hello again,

As per usual, when I sit down to write, the organization of thought is less than orderly. ( shrug)

I didn't look to see the last time I wrote, but so much "life" has happened simply in the last calendar year. From friends passing away ( some foreseeable and some surprize), developments or not in professional circles, family "living" and just aging, there is really a lot going on. 

Again, and as usual, I have thoughts on most all of it, but then the analysis and reflection on those thoughts can sometimes create more anxiety and angst then orginal thoughts themselves. I don't know if that is "normal", a peri/menapause thing, another version of chemical imbalance, or just the run of the adventure of life. And no, not thinking on it is not a viable option... for me.

I am fortunate ( well, 88% of the tme) to get to work with people ages 12-70. From students to colleagues, I will alway count myself lucky to be able to meet some very, VERY incredible people. Age does not discriminate - talent, character, ethic, ( that's all I can think of at the moment). It can, I suppose, limit opportunity and perspective. I have met very kind hearted and intelligent teenagers and some real self righteous inanely ignorant adult assholes.

Ok, this is a digression. I just wanted to give credit where it is due.

In a career, I suppose it is the "right" thing or the recommended course, to have goals for experience and growth. Aagin, my luck is that I teach a subject that doesn't "rinse and repeat" like a book driven course or one with a hard plotted curriculum. On that flip side, doing this job, ( or maybe any job) for 20+ years can make it feel.... less variable and exciting ( sounds trite, I know)

In your 20's, the world is your oyster. One just tries to "make it" and find out what they can and want to do. In the 30's it's develop that career and possibly raise a family. In your 40's ( hmm..... i can't remember. Is that a repeat of the 30's, just better??) Post 40, I suppose it's to plan for the next decade or 2 of life -  Secure the finances, take care of the aging parents, support the adult children. Is it this possible train track that motivates the "midlife" crisis??

Does anyone else sometimes think the race of life is getting more challenging rather than hitting a pocket or stride?  I never expected life to get easier. I did think that I would get a little better at it though ;-)

(I may have written about this before) The former? Duke ladies bball team coach told her team, "Don't wait for the game/ life to get easier, because it doesn't. We just get better at doing hard things." Man, if that isn't a simultaneous smack in the face and a punch to the gut. I suppose that is true, if a person makes it so, but......(there always seems to a but) what if you get a little fatigued from all the hard??

As all of life is happening, from the inner circle to the spires that reach from it, what's next? How does one plan for what can be planned for, and release care and responsibility of what you don't know about, can't know about or just can't see coming ?

In a dialogue a while ago, some friends were talking about what the plans or desires were for a milestone birthday. That conversation did prompt my thinking of what I wanted to do and I've started doing some of those things. In doing so, I sometimes get caught in thinking if doing those things is totally selfish and/or serving something better? And or, sometimes there is a catch of doing it alone versus with others. That is a cost benefit analysis that seems to exist in a volatile market. - for me at least.

And then there is just FOMO. I believe FOMO can be justified as, this year has proven, the givens in life, well, just aren't.

Ugh. Life is good ( most of the time) but sometimes, it's just a wee bit confusing and fatiguing.

From people coming and going, living and dying, politics politicking, health and aging, uncertain economies, and Dolly Parton passing ...  honest to God.....what's next?!?!?!

Running, reflecting, wishing... all the things

Ok, this week has been a rollercoaster!

Professionally it is. We have an ensemble performing for a state festival on Monday and rehearsals the past 2 weeks have been erratic at best. Between All-State band, senior event absences, testing, illness, and everything else I am forgetting, we haven't had the band together but maybe 4 times. Boy, is this proving challenging to faciltiate a cohesive performance. It's like people talking but not listening to each other. Readind a script with no acting. But... it does give credence to the dissenting argument to the idea that "knowing your part is good enough". The conversation is key. Monday will prove to be an adventure.

My former FIL was in the ICU with a masssive PE in his lung on Tuesday. I got a call and text from my son, with more urgency than normal. Once I got connected with him the message was " this is what has happened and I'm currently on 25. Wanted you to know" My response was, "I'll beat you there". All is well for now, but there was so much to learn and remember. #1 - no one wants to be alone in a hospital. So when they say " you don't need to come" never listen. #2 - family is paramount #3 - trust your gut and ask questions #4 - It's an amazing thing to see you child evolve into an adult. And even better when you really like and respect that adult. #5 - exercise and drink water

Played a non-traditional gig with a house band at a...uh.... "dinner theater". Oh my goodness. It was so so fun. I loved it. It was like a pro gig meets HS jazz and pep band. The house band was great and played classic rock charts. You could rock out in your chair. Some of the audience was dancing. It was just cathartic and I really did love it!

Going to San Fransisco was so good... but bad too. I now have a bug to travel and need to decide where, why, when and with who. I should just simplify this and make it easy but..... it's never that easy. And now, I return to want and need, hope and expectation. I don't want to spend the time to write down my thoughts now, but, again a summary is - Paris and Strausborg(sp)? Salzberg and Vienna? Back to CA for Monterey and Big Sur? Back to Ouray?? And what is more important - the where and the who, or the location and the expectation???? UGH!!!!!!!

Lastly, the whole dating thing is back on the table, but that too brings complication. Adventure and experimentation or distraction and substitution? In the end, does it matter? I'm really asking.... DOES it matter?

Das ist sehr kompliziert!!!

hope vs expectation - work in progress

So, ir's 10:30+ and my 2x a week 6:45am class is tomorrow, which means I should be trying to sleep. But, wanted to write down this thought from the weekend before I called it:

Hope vs expectation - the differences between the 2.

I have been.... vexed? by a comment someone made early in the year about not having to deal with disappointment as they had no expectations - specifically of people. At this point, I'm pretty sure I have twisted this up in some way, but this is what I remember. I didn't like this as it felt fatalist or, at bare minimum, a little depressing. So, I have been arguing it... with myself.

This topic came up with my friend and I and they said something for me to ponder - they agreed, in part, with the sentiment. I was shocked but then they explained. When you know someone, or maybe typecast them?, you learn what is their MO, their way, or maybe just about them. In that, you shouldn't expect behaviors or acts that fall outside of that MO, regardless of what you think or want. Hmm. In short, don't expect people to be who they aren't. That sounds like a "duh" at it's simplest state but..... I haven't fully injested the cool-aid yet.

I really do want to think the best of people, more often than not. But I never stopped to think that what "I" think is good, proper, kind, appropriate, etc isn't a generalized knowledge or state. Different strokes for different folks, right? So, it's not fair to expect these things.... sometimes. And what if you witness potential and possibility? Is the desire to see these manifest hope or expectation?

And it may not be wise to percieve or interpret the actions of others, save within the lens of what you know to be consistent and true of that person.

I really need/ want to think on this.

They did go to say that the kind of relationship can alter general expectation. I'll elaborate later ( maybe) but, from student to boss to significant other I really want to parse this out. I don't want to not have expectations - it actually angers me when people have no expectations of me ( another talking point) but, rather having expectations that are based in reality or even in history might prohibit disappointment.

And then there is hope.

So, here is the ball of yarn I hope to untangle a bit over time. Right now, need to sleep to be psuedo functional for class.

It is what it is.