Goodbye Cutie

That was the name of our hamster - Cutie.

Christian named him last year. Or was it the year before? Anyway, he was our pet. Over the past week he had started to bloat, seemed to have stopped eating healthily, and had become very inactive. Also, Thursday night when he slept ( which is weird as hamsters are nocturnal), he seemed to have a little trouble breathing. All considering, I decided to take him to the vet. I think I believed they would tell me that he was old, or constipated and either give us medicine to help him recover or say that he had another month left. Thinking these things, I took Christian and the hamster to the vet, as no one else was around to watch either Christian or the hamster. I swear, I truly believed it to be an innocuous trip. Besides, he was a rodent.

We transported him in an old shoe box with bedding. He seemed to be comfortable.

We arrived at the vet's and surrendered the shoe box. After waiting about 45 minutes we were called in an exam room to speak with the doctor. She said we had the choice between two courses of action. The hamster had a nodule somewhere around his shoulder that she could feel. She could either extract some tissue and fluid from that and analyze it to see whether is was cancerous or not, or take an X-ray and see the status of his entire body. I chose the X-ray.

10 minutes later she brought back the film to show something that broke my heart. Cutie had several masses in his body. One of which was very large in the area of his heart and lungs. So large in fact it limited his breathing, explaining the labored breath and lethargy. These masses were essentially suffocating him. So, he had to be put down.

I never thought that it could hurt so bad to put a hamster down, but, again I was wrong. I thought I could detach a little bit and be strong for Christian. He was a hamster, not a pet dog that had lived with us for 12 years. Nope. I guess feelings hide themselves, or we hide them. Christian and I got to hold him for a few minutes in the doctors office before they took him away. He loved his hamster and I did too. I guess maybe it's still a little too raw to know exactly what we felt, but I knew both of us hurt. I knew my son was crying as he realized he would never see that hamster again. I had to share the experience of something dying and mourning with my son firsthand and all the feelings that go with that. He had to listen to the doctor and I explain that bringing the hamster home would be cruel and leaving him there to be given a medicine that puts him to sleep would be a good thing. I know he understood one word - die. I don't know whether it was a wise choice or not, but we didn't witness the process. I didn't think it appropriate for a 6 year old. We simply said our goodbyes.

While we were both crying, I told him that I was sorry for all this. He told me it's not my fault, but that he's going to miss Cutie. I said I would miss Cutie too and just held my boy for a little bit.

It's just hard when doing what seems to be the right thing seems to hurt everyone. At least Cutie's suffering stopped. If only we had known........

I guess, since even as I type this a few tears come and go, this may take a little while to move from. But, sometimes it is good to say goodbye.

Goodbye Cutie. We love you.