3:00 am

Today was a good day. Correction: "yesterday" was a good day, for the most part. There was one episode that I could have lived without, but I think that is a feeling shared amongst all parties. So, what's the trouble?

I can't sleep right now.

Dreams. If my memory of psychology serves me, dreams are the minds way of categorizing a days events and placing them where they need to go in the mind or the time when the mind attempts to solve unresolved conflict to put it away as well. I headed to bed at 10:00 knowing I have an early morning as I do every Tuesday. So then, WHY must the brain decide to address this aforementioned episode at 3am not letting me sleep? My brain flashes back to various moments of this past event and other such times and right now, it seems it won't let me shelve it.

Come on, I do not have time for this. For the last 20 minutes, I have been flashing through this unpleasant part of yesterday to the point where I am occasionally speaking aloud trying to get my brain to drop it. Between my brain and my mouth, I say things like:

there's nothing you can do about it now; what was I supposed to do; why did I not do "that"; what should I have done; was "blank" wrong; who cares, it's 3am anyway; there's nothing you should so about it now or later; did I offend; do I make amends; what are you not getting here; you've tried to do and been very wrong in doing so; if there were something you should do, you don't know what it is and nobody wants you to do it anyway, so let it drop; it'll work itself out; forget it.

A great conversation..... really. (note venomous sarcasm)

My rational explanation I am trying to get my mind to accept is, wherever this conflict lies, there will be no solution drawn tonight, or maybe even for quite some time, so let it go. Why then does it seem my conscious ( or subconscious) mind does not believe me?

Sorry for not explicitly sharing the conflict, but that is not the point of this entry. The fact that my dreams, subconscious mind organization, whatever you call it, is working overtime at a time I'd rather it didn't is the point. I'm going to disregard the rather seeming irony of this inconvenience to the episode itself, unless my subconscious wants to explain _it's_ intentions. Payback's a bitch, especially when it is done by your own self.

So, there is this attempt to put something of this seemingly troubling situation down into visible words so that maybe this act itself will put my mind at some sort of peace, or at least in a bit of a stupor to let me get back to sleep. I can now tell myself I'll reflect on it later when I have more time. Hopefully it worked, because there's not enough time left for a sleep aid.

At least Monday was a good day.... for the most part.