Dreams

I don't believe a great deal in dream psycology. I just know when I have dreams, when I don't think I do and when I remember them. I tend to have the most vivid ones just when I am about to wake, which makes waking up even more unpleasant. Last night I had the most peculiar one. But it's funny, even as I try to recall it pieces go missing. Bizarre. So the recount won't exactly make sense or flow... maybe at all. Sorry 'bout that.

I'll spare too many details as they wouldn't make sence but, the crux of it was I was with a friend on the mid floor of a very fancy home while her husband, another male friend, and a female of unknown origin were in the basement. There was a pool outside the middle floor and I asked if I could swim laps. After swimming, I came out of the pool and my friend was very distraught about she and her husband's marrage. We talked for a while ( but this alone was weird because to my eye there is nothing wrong with the relationship in real life) and then somehow it came to my knowledge that my other friend and this female got together in some fashion - I guess. Even I can't remember the particulars there of how I would have assumed or found that infomation out as in the dream I never went downstairs -  and I dreamed it. Anyway, in the dream I began to sob/ball/ become hysterical. And I mean hysterical. That uncontrollable crying when you can't breathe and you almost make yourself sick cry. I swear I felt the outcome of this one. Besides, when I did wake up, I was slightly short of breath. How disturbing !!!!

This sort of dream is a rarity for me, but all the same, slightly unerving. I'm sure you all have had deja vu right? I don't get it that often, but often it seems to refer back to something from one of these discouncerting dreams. It never flashes the ones where I actually like the outcome.

Again, I don't put great stock in this but all the same, ughh. There must be a disturbance in the force ;-)

Now, if life could put me in the situations of some dreams earlier in the week, I'd take it. Obviously Mr. Sandman and I are not on good terms.

Colorado .... really?

Today was my trip to Gunnison and I was very much much looking forward to it, untill this freak little snow storm blew in and Monarch Pass has become more treacherous to pass and we have a snow day. Awesome. :-( The snow day is a perk, but very poorly timed I must say. With any luck, I try to make the trip tomorrow.

What a pisser.

But, humor from the honor band front. A new band joke from one of the conductors of the last honor band. You must read this in a British accent as the conductor who told it was British himself, " What do a conductor and a condom have in common?" " It's more fun without but safer with one". Hehehehe.

Honor bands commence

And now begins honor band season. This is the time I travel Thursday - Saturday with kids to various honor bands and see great conductors work to create great things with high school musicians.

This weekend, the wild, wonderful world of..... Pueblo "-( Ok, the location isn't stellar, but the kids and the groups will be great.) AND Timothy Reynish from the UK is coming to conduct one of the groups. I have few fetishes in my crazy existence, but a British accent is one of them. I told the kids, "Even if you're getting yelled at it's ok, because it will be in a British accent!!!" So very excited to meet the man and more so to speak with him ;-) !!!

Other than that, 2.5 days filled with teenagers, fellow band directors and music. Eh, 2 out of 3 ain't bad ;-). Just kidding. Looking forward to an inspiring ( and partially perspiring) weekend.

Next weekend is Gunnison. Haven't been there yet, so..... excited for a new CO location.

I feel like there is so much to say but too little time to share it/type it/ spell it. Ever get that??? Eh, if it sticks, I'll post it later, I guess.

Most days "Living the dream"....  some days just "surviving/ enduring the nightmare" ;-)

That time of year

Ironically enough, I have nothing to say about Valentine's Day ;-) It's a good day. Probably better for those sharing it with other folks, but, meh, I have family and friends to share love with, so.... all good. :-)

A small funny that I shared with some folks earlier - I was joking with some of my high schoolers about it being "Singles awareness day" and the one said, " You know the acronym for that is SAD right?" I just laughed. Didn't want to ask which was worse celebrating "SAD" or  "VD". Hmmmm.... ;-)

But all I have to say is that it's that time of season where there's no time.... for much of anything other than work. That's it.

So, "Goodnight Moon".

I needed that

Tonight was a great night. GREAT night. First of all my wind ensemble played really well. REALLY well. Secondly, we did this joint concert with a local brass band and they were INCREDIBLE !!! They sounded amazing and inspired my kids. They didn't even know the instruments could do some of those things. And, they are super nice people - one of my high schoolers told me so. ;-)

I got to lead the groups for the closing number and it was ( as another band student calls it) bandgasmic. ;-)

But then, they ( the brass band/ their director) invited me to go out and join them after the concert. I'm not super great at social events after school nights, but, as the high schooler said, "they are super nice people." I got to have a few beers and meet a kick ass trombone player ( kick ASS) who played in the Navy Band of DC - the band where my ex-husband played when I met him. So we had a small connection there. And I met the AFA band's former commanding officer - who my ex played under while we were married here. ( as you can see, we travel in rather small or let's say concentric circles - sometimes my married name can be a real asset in this business - he gave me that and my son, can't complain about that). It was so great to meet some new musicians and feel like I have known them all my life. A few weren't too bad on the eyes, which isn't a bad thing either. But all were very genuine people and a blessing to have met.

There are days I wonder about the whole music thing. Today was validation. Musicians have suffered since their inception, so there's no surprises there, and yet the music lives on and connects us all. I love the new acquaintances I met tonight - the people I met because of the common thread of music.

I needed that. That and the beer ;-)

Now, I need sleep and to be able to awake at 6am. Damn you Sam Adams !!!!

What's your role?

In talking to a friend yesterday this came up. We were actually talking about teaching though ( imagine that) but I got to thinking that the question is relatively profound. What is your role? And can you accept that role, or the definition of that role changing.

As teachers at our school, we can sometimes be asked to cap a student - at a ceremony, place the graduation cap upon the students head as someone reads what you or another faculty member wrote about why that student is special or how we will remember them. Students pick their capper based upon who they feel had a significant impact on their journey to graduation. It's quite an honor really.

Well, my friend used to be asked by no less than 4 students, often more. Last year, I don't think she was asked at all, and she said she had a hard time with that. She was used to being regarded as a mentor to many of her students and took offense when not asked. She then said as she thought about it, she became more accepting of it, even though she may not like it. She said she reached this decision by accepting that her role has changed.

As teachers, the most simple mind would say that the teacher's job is to convey information relevant to their subject area. Ha !!! I wish that was all a teacher had to do. No.... that's not true. I just wish folks realized and recognized all a teacher must do. Impart information, guidance counsel, test monitor, creatively manage limited budget or resources, organize staff, act as parent and school liaison, observe and report mental health of students, and more I can't quantify now. In fact, of all teacher duties, I don't spend as much time teaching as I do on the other stuff - and that's true for most of us. Anyone can teach a subject. Very few can successfully teach kids.

But then, you feel yourself get caught in the throws of your role - what if someone doesn't ask you for your input at this meeting? What is someone doesn't involve you in the next big decision about the school, what if the students aren't wanting to take your class because it's too hard or "uncool", what if you have students taking your class simply because it is "cool" and don't care about the content of the class, what if great numbers of students don't regard you as the mentor you felt they did 2,5,10 years ago? Are you failing? Are you becoming ineffective? What do you do?

Well, she decided to find peace in the refocusing on the "why" you do what you are doing instead of the "how" your role is defined. Choices people make are theirs and theirs alone. Although you can influence them, you can't always assure how you are influencing them, as perspective and reception is as unique and individual as people themselves. By going back to the "why",  you surrender the responsibilities or burden of the definition of your role and define your role by it's purpose instead. Celebrated success and reputation become ancillary instead of primary.

Like I said, pretty deep stuff.

We are in the registration window at school and this is the most depressing time of year for performing arts. We wait and see who sticks and who quits. That's really the crux of it. When we recruit beginners, that is the most exciting time because these are all new recruits in the pipeline. When older kids register, we watch the potential exodus. This is, in part, what prompted this discussion.

But, I think this can be applied in any profession or especially parenting. The role of the parent of an infant is very different than that of the teenager, which again changes when one is the parent of an adult. Although the title of parent never changes, the actual role or definition of the role does.

What about spouse? Or friend? Or a way 'out there' concept, individual purpose? I sometimes wonder what constitutes a mid life crisis and, in turn wonder if it isn't essentially a person's loss of ability to define or accept their role or purpose at a stage in life or the inability to accept that the role has changed from what it once was. Not sure.

I wonder how I will handle my son going to college - if he chooses to do so. I wonder what I will do, since life to this point has, in part, been directed by acting in a manner that is best for him. When he's on his own, I will have to re-strategize how I make some decisions and that's ok. Sometimes, I wish to be the mother of an infant again and I know again, decisions will have to be made on how to do that well. Other times, I resolve myself that the season for that has passed and it is time to plan for the next one. I wonder if I can successfully fit the role of girlfriend or wife. Sometimes, I wonder if I really want to make those compromises and sacrifices and other times, it's without a doubt that I'd like to and I'll fight to figure it out as I go. And, sometimes I wonder how hard one should work to be called into a role they think they want to have. Sometimes, I think we call people who do that - desperate.

But, to accept the roles as they come, I think in layman's terms, this concept is expressed as "roll with the punches".

But, spiritually sometimes people wonder what their purpose in life is. I think evaluating what one's role/ roles are, being content with them, and asking if we staying true to the "why" we are doing them IS necessary for contentment. Or, in that search, to discover that we are simply trying to make all fit into the marketed definitions of the "what's and how's" of our role's accepted definitions and not fighting for the virtue of them instead.

Former student Ben Johnson I am convinced was a genius. His graduation speech premise was "What are you doing?" I like to add the addendum, "WHY are you doing it?"

Thank you magic internet

Well, I wished for snow and I got it. I wished for a snow day and I received that too.

Now, magic internet, how about a million dollars???? ;-)

Last thought on the day

Totally unrelated...

This is February first and here's what I think today,

Goodbye's aren't necessary until someone passes away. I'll stick with "see you later" 's.

And....... there's no reason to bolt a door on your own that you wish to stay open or at least unlocked. If it closes itself, fine. It the wind blows it shut, fine. And if someone else closes it, that's fine too.

Besides, just because that one door is unlocked, doesn't mean you have to limit yourself to travel only through that one door. You don't have to avoid it, but, you don't have to only travel that way either. Find and explore the other doors to travel through until you want to, and choose to go through "that" door or until someone beckons you from the other side. It's easier to see them when the door is open anyway, and far easier to let them in than when it's bolted shut. Who knows? You may meet someone who you've been hoping to see, or someone as a total surprise. But, I believe an open door is far more welcoming and less inhibiting than a shut, locked one. Besides, who wants to be locked up in their own house anyway???

Obscure enough???

Good.

It wasn't written for you anyway. No offense ;-)

Read this.... what do you think??

Ah, so much to say here, but bedtime for bonzo.

But read this article. What do you think???

http://www.nytimes.com/2011/09/18/magazine/what-if-the-secret-to-success-is-failure.html?pagewanted=all

Where's the snow???!!!

No time to think today, but there is always time to whine :-)

It has been warm for the last 2+ weeks here. And today, it's January 30th and 65 degrees in Colorado. COLORADO !!!!! Uh, this is not cool... Literally.

Now, I know the weather can be volatile here, but this is simply ridiculous. My son is wearing shorts, and I can't blame him.

So, here's my public request. I want snow !!! Either for the acknowledgment that it IS winter and to put my seasonal clock back into functionality, or that I do live in Colorado and not Alabama or Florida, and for the love of all that is holy, to be offered a freakin' snow day. But, WE NEED SNOW for a SNOW DAY !!!!

Uncool.

I may need to take a weekend trip into the mountains, just to remember where I live.

Now, when it's snowing in April, that too will be uncool.

Growl...........

'Bout time

Well, it's January 28th and I am finally getting to taking down Christmas decorations. 2 hours in and so far, so good. It's amazing how empty the place looks without the stuff but it's a relief to begin putting it all away. It's sad that decorating for the holidays can feel like such a pain and that putting everything away does too. Good thing I like the holidays or this would SO not be worth it. ;-)

But, no worries, the tree is still up.  I LOVE Christmas trees and ornaments. I purchased a few when I was in Europe last time and you can bet I'll pick up a few more on this year's trip. The Swiss and Germans know how to make ornaments !!!! Someday, I want to spend the holidays over there... preferably not homeless or in a hostil but, beggars can't be choosy :-)

Well, I hope to at least get the ornaments off tonight and tomorrow morning and begin to wrap and store them immediately as evenings and weekends are booked, oh.... through the rest of month. Worst case, the ornaments will get put away and the tree will remain standing. Then, I'll hang hearts on the tree and call it a Valentine's tree. If that works, I'll just put some bunnies and eggs on strings too, in case April comes too fast. Shoot, then I'll just keep the tree up and put suns up for summer and leaves up for fall, pumpkins and ghosts for Halloween, Turkeys for Thanksgiving until next Christmas comes around. Hmmmm..... Brain child???

Here's hoping it doesn't get that bad.

Can you pay people to take down your trees???????

life needs a soundtrack....and an editor

Just a random entry today, as I break from one thing as I head into another. I do use this little blog thing to reflect. I'd use a non digital journal as I do like them, but sadly, I know I'd lose it. And there is something a little more personal ( good thing)  and time consuming (bad thing)  in the written word versus the typed one - in my opinion anyway.

But, as I read through my entries of late, I heard what I said. Whether I agree with myself varies day to day, but there are no "way out there" thoughts, just thoughts accurate to where I was the day I wrote it.

I find myself wanting a soundtrack. Do you ever do that? Find yourself somewhere and then think about a piece of music? At the top of Pikes Peak, on a hike, looking out from the balcony. This is why I love driving with the radio on. From Eminem, to Beethoven, to Lady Gaga and Rihanna to Nine inch Nails, it just lets you feel, whatever it is you are feeling a little more potently. Or maybe it just lets you share it. For whatever reason, it's cool ;-) I want some musical soundtracks to these entries or at least I think I do. I have read blogs with sound clips and they are impossible to read over the blaring, distorted sound track. So, I guess I'll provide my own mental soundtracks and make you all suffer without any. This gives you the freedom to choose your own.
But really, I wish I had an editor. Oh how it irritates me that I have misspelled a word or used the wrong 'there' or 'they're' or 'their'. I am college graduate darn it. And I still can't seem to spell and use proper syntax. Ughhh !!!!!

But I always argue that content is more valuable than context. All the same...... darn it !!!! ;-)

Back to work..........

( note - this work was revised 3 hours after writing it. Ugh !!!! But, perfection isn't a destination, but a journey...... right??? )

Home Depot - labyrinth of home stuff

It's amazing what a night's sleep can do for you. Fatigue does bad things to your brain ;-)

Let me share a sorta funny story - that happens almost everytime I go into Home Depot.

I'll begin by saying I love Home Depot and Lowe's. Sometimes it just makes me want to design and accessorize a house. I love all the doors, door handles, windows, carpets, refrigerators, stoves, fixtures, sinks, cabinets, etc. BUT, when you go in looking for a security peep hole for the front door and something to stick a ceramic tile to wood, a little different story. The only thing worse is looking for a single type of nut or screw. ( ok, if you're gonna take it there fine, but I'm not. I'll just chuckle instead)

I start by going to the info desk, asking about the peep hole, I get sent to doors. After about 7-10 minutes searching this HUGE area with wood doors, glass doors, sliding doors, etc. I see nothing...small.  So,  I ask someone else and they say "aisle 10". Uh, ok, but the aisle numbers aren't in the rear of the store where I was, so I wander....wander...wander, until I get a brain and head towards the front where the signs are. I find the aisle, and I see keys, smoke and C02 detectors and other things, but can't find the peep holes. Thankfully there was an associate working at the key place, which is in the same aisle ( now is the time to share, the  handy, knowledgeable older - or younger - handy man is SUCH a comfort. There's something to be said for the "Little House on the Prairie - Michael Landon character" kinda guy. So if you don't have a man at home, borrow one from Home Depot  ;-) )

I asked him where to find the peep holes and he points to this obscure point in the aisle where there are 4 varieties of peep hole. FOUR !!! In that gigunda aisle!!! I'm so glad he showed them to me and also helped me be sure that the one I selected would fit and would be appropriate. Then I asked him what I should use to adhere the ceramic tile ( these are my son's artwork from class) to the wooden frame they came with. He said silicone. Ok. Easy enough.....

NOT !!! Off to the caulking aisle. Who knew there are around 50 types of caulk and silicone? And.. is caulk silicone? I ran with no, but... ( shoulder shrug). So this attractive guy comes up and asks if I need help. Uh, yeah. I must have looked like an illeterate person looking at an aisle of library books. So I told him what I was looking for and he guesses silicone for bathroom. Good guess. We read the backs of the tubes and it looks good. So I start to head away and he goes, "Do you need a gun?" Not unless you steal from me or "things aren't that bad" I thought. But then I realized I did need a gun... a caulking gun. Sheesh !!! I should have spent a little more time with dad. He smiled at my stall. Then he found one that would work, but was cheap (I like him already) and I completed my run.

So I went in to the store thinking it would take 12-15 minutes. Yeah, right. 40 minutes later I had gotten the 2 things I had planned to get and the one thing I didn't think/remember that I did need.

And hence goes almost every trip to Home Depot.

I need to never plan a 2 hour shopping trip there, or I may not emerge for days !!!!! But, it's is still a very, VERY cool place !!!!! ;-)

Let it go

I swear, I do more than fixate on this stuff. But, this is one of the things that eats at me a little.

Relationships between male and female - necessary or wishful thinking??

I went to dinner with a friend of mine on Friday and we got to talking about this. I was asked, "How was I doing?" since she said I seemed a little out of sorts after the holidays. Meh....

So, I tried to dodge the bullet, but she's a little too persistent. Sometimes talking about this stuff makes me feel totally self conscious that I sound utterly sappy,wishy-washy, delusional and illogical, or just sad and off my rocker. But at the same time, she reminded me that these are judgements, and she wasn't there to judge, but to listen. So I talked. I really love my friend.

I'll skip the finer points but I openly will disclose that we talked about feeling lonely. Her niece met her new husband and step daughter online, so she asked if I had tried it. I said I was hesitant. I don't want to look for a person to be with the way I shop for jeans or shoes and I may be greatly limiting myself this way.

My one friend is 'out there' doing the online dating thing and I get to occasionally hear the tales of these adventures, and I love hearing about them. But as I hear about them, the more I think, I can't do it.

She gave me the, what I'll call the party line, for male/ female relationships and marriages - you deserve to find someone who will respect and treasure you. I believe that, and I want to offer that, but I don't know that it's possible.

I want the romance. Again from Sex and the City, I want " all consuming, inconvenient love". It doesn't have to be instantaneous. I'm of the mind that it's better if it's not. It's a glance, a smile, a pleasant shudder at unintentional contact, a joke, a tickle fight, a kiss on the forehead, a hug that lasts a little too long, the desire to talk to one another constantly but obeying self control, the friendly email, the coffee someone brings just because they can, holding hands during a movie, smiling when you think of them..... etc. All this makes the other stuff, you know the "other stuff" better right? Or am I just super old fashioned here?

I don't think I can find this online, but maybe I am wrong. On the flip side, I am not sure I am patient enough to wait for it to happen by chance or fate. During high school and college, you are surrounded by people, able to watch them and for them to watch you. You can see who you might be interested in and have a chance to interact with them on any and all levels. You have friends explore and test the waters for you. Now, there is little variety in the trek from home to work to home. Most of the folks in my acquaintance are married or already deemed not that kind of material, so what now, change work locations? My previous experiences online were, "interesting" at best, but it was kind of clear what the guys were looking for - a bed partner in 1-3 dates. Yeah, that might be fun, but, not what I'm looking for...... not totally.

So on the same topic but different direction, she asked me why I seem to return to the same mental place in this one situation. I said, hope. It's familiar and I've lived with it so long, it's hard to imagine not having it. But, for this hope to reach any state of fruition also seems impossible, improbable, and highly unlikely - no, I don't mean to seem redundant.

So, she says she understands (which I am so happy about, since few who know do) but, she also said, "What do you think you need to do?" To which I shrug. I have done all I am comfortable or feel safe doing to no response or avail. She says, "That's your answer. Perhaps you need to let this go. It has too much control over you. There's no proof or reason to hold onto this hope, so keep the idea of what you want and seek it elsewhere" Ah, my wise friend. So easily said, but...

But, I wonder if it isn't time.

So, I'm not ready to man shop. Maybe I'll just hope and pray that someone will come into my life to be a friend, a playmate, and then in time, a male role model for my son, a bed mate and a life mate. She reminded me of something that I had forgotten - when you are married, you can still be lonely sometimes, but it is passing and often can be shared for relief. It is a sad state when you with someone and you are always lonely. ( Been there, done that, got the t-shirt)

Better to be lonely on your own than lonely with another.

But the good news is that I keep getting spammed by this thing called "Fuckbook". So, if I get really hard up, it's good to know I have options ;-) ( seriously???)

When it should be the easiest thing in the world to do, why is it so hard sometimes to just let go.

Business as usual

Ah, back to the grind stone. No time to P&M about life's tribulations now. Just time to get dressed, get to work, do all the other stuff, catch a meal if time and wallet allow, go home, go to bed and hit it all again the next day. Good stuff.

But...so I don't forget, my ex-inlaws and I had an 'interesting' discussion about money. Although I like having money ( for those 2 days I may have some) most days I hate money. I'll have to try to sum it all up here later, becuase I must go to bed to arise to arrive at my job on time to make and earn said money.

Bleh.....

Levity

( Before I begin, I wonder if the time these things are written is known to the universe here. It might give some insight on how driven I am to use my planning periods this week.) But I don't think healthy contemplation at any time is a bad thing for a teacher  (or anyone really). The lack of it, now that's a concern.

So with all these "deep" thoughts posts lately ( to be read with slightly sarcastic undertone as that's how I thought it) I felt I needed some levity today. I often wonder if others think about this stuff, because in the daily grind no one really talks about this stuff. Who really wants to? Maybe over coffee now and then with your closest friends, but most daily exchanges are light hearted, trivial, or just helping one another get to another weekend. There are times that I wonder if I think about inconsequential - fru-fru stuff a little too often. Maybe. Maybe not. Who knows. Sometimes it's good - helps me think or see something I didn't before. Sometimes its revealing. And sometimes, it's highly aggravating even to me.    :-)

But today, happily, I ran into some coworkers that reminded me of some funny stories. Forgive me if I have shared these before, but they are too funny not to share again and they brought a smile to my face.

In music classes, the most innocuous comments can be perverted in the most inappropriate ways and sometimes, they just come out that way in translations.

#1 - jazz band guitarist - We hear this "TWANG" in rehearsal and I look over and the highly aggravated guitarist says "Darn it !!! My G-string just broke" So if you're out and public and hear "TWANG".... think twice. :-)

#2 - elementary teacher had taught 3rd grade class the concept of intervals - the distance between 2 notes. The following day she asks the class, "Does anyone remember the word that means the distance between 2 notes?" and a student answers, " Yes. Intercourse. Oh wait... that's not it. What was it?"

#3 - Second grade class listens to a Mozart's horn concerto and is asked to describe what they heard. The responses are; " Dancing" "Fun" "Bouncy" " Horny".........

#4 - And the standard high school line ....( oh wait, and New Years tag) In talking about articulating accents ( putting emphasis on a note using air and the tongue) the female teacher says, "Come on, use your tongue like you mean it" and 'that' student tags, " That what she said".

#5 -  Lastly, one from this week that makes me laugh and shudder. We were talking about a passage slowing down when it shouldn't be. I say " We have a problem brewing here. Let's break this apart and pull that tea bag before it steeps too long" I guess one cannot say "tea-bag" in a high school classroom any longer. About 4 of my high schoolers go into that girly giggle ( not all girls mind you) and all I could say was " Ugh. I'm going to beat some of you" and exit that early remark as quickly as possible. They know the nasty reference for tea bag but don't know what the word steep means. Scary.....

The music room is a very precarious place to be sometimes. But amusing nonetheless.

Back to work.....

Passion - Ha, I'm not the only one.

Someone else talking about "feelings" . Thank goodness !!!!

The following excerpt is from a fellow staff member ( hope they never find this blog) talking about stopping to teach at the school where I work.

".I have watched for the last 12 years as one legislative mandate after another has washed over the landscape of secondary public education. Each of those mandates has made charter schools a little more like the traditional public schools we were created as an alternative to.".............

......."In any case, the net result of it all is that my fire for continuing to do this has dwindled. A paycheck is nice but does nothing to replace the glow of a healthy fire. For me, there is no passion without that fire. I am willing to forgo a lot of things, but passion is not one of those things. Consequently, I have chosen to take my energies and invest them elsewhere at the end of this school year."

Another hmmm moment. Do you love what you do for a job/career? How long do you see yourself doing it? What are your other options should you decide to stop?

I think about this every now and again. American public education is a battlefield at best with many competing interests, first and foremost it would seem is money. Next is to replace home parenting. Somewhere close to the bottom is creating educated, thoughtful, upstanding, self sustaining citizens. Ok, so for a teacher on a global scale, that's a bit of a downer.

But there are perks too. Teaching somebody something is a great joy and a non purchasable, irreplaceable gift. But, there's always the yin and yang isn't there. How long to you try to give 110% knowing you may get a 50% return rate or can you live with yourself if you only give 70% to maintain status quo and state of mental and/or physical health?

Anyway, as I thought about this, I was also thinking how much a career and the choices you make within that realm can resemble relationships and the choices you make in them too.

Options;
Stick to what you know, accept it, work at it and yourself to keep it from getting old or "boring", or settle for it and maybe hope that it gets better.
Leave and go and explore the unknown and see what happens and where other interests lie.
Have some job hunter seek you and change alliances.
And, it seems you should be passionate about what you do and what your role is, most of the time, to have intrinsic reward.

Do you see the corollary??? A little creepy actually, but true, don't you think.

So which do you focus on first? Career contentment and then personal relationship contentment/fulfillment or vice versa or do you work equally hard at both simultaneously? Or.... do you only work so that you can play and have or look for "relationships" so that you can play too?? Ew, that notion seems disgustingly selfish to me, yet profoundly simple. I guess that's why it doesn't work for me. I seem to be attracted to the complex, as much as it vexes me at times. Simple is boring...... sometimes.

Or, do you just do what's true to and for you and say screw everything else.

Hmmm. I tell you, after reading that " Eat, Pray, Love" book, Bali or even India sounds better each and every day.

I think when you're caught in a rat race, of any genus, sometimes you forget where your going, sometimes forget where you have been, and then the horrible realization comes that..... eventually the rat dies even though the race continues. Where's the story of the rat stopping just to rest and eat it's cheese? Or is that the rat in the trap?

Ben Johnson, a former student summed it up the best. "What are you doing??" and the follow up question. "WHY are you doing it?"

Not depressed I swear to you. Just...... thinking.

I have to say this though,as a tangent, I'm not the biggest fan of the thirty's decade thus far. I guess I should try to learn to be. I won't be here (in my 30's that is) all that much longer and last decade flew by before I realized it. How did that happen???

Strike 2

Ok. I wrote one post and it reached a point that I had to dump into the other blog so then I started another ( which I copied/ stole from a really old post from Ryan) and felt bad for not being original, so..... no dice. ( but do go to 2005 maybe and look up Ryan's "remember when" post, if you know who Ryan is that is)

So sadly, no profundity tonight.

There was a full moon last night and tonight and here, it was absolutely spectacular to see.

There. I'll blame it on the moon.

Random thoughts

I said I liked quotes and I wasn't lying. Besides, I've had such a good streak of writing everyday, I hated to break it today. Maybe I'll break it tomorrow instead......... ;-)

Here are tonight's random thoughts and...... boy is it a smorgasbord:

“We look at each other wondering what the other is thinking but we never say a thing.” - Dave Matthews
" Ants Marching"


“Time goes by so fast, people go in and out of your life. You must never miss the opportunity to tell these people how much they mean to you.”

“The only source of knowledge is experience” Albert Einstein 

True friends are those who, when you make a fool of yourself, don't believe that this condition is permanent. -Erwin T. Randall

“Every person, all the events of your life are there because you have drawn them there. What you choose to do with them is up to you.”
-Richard Bach 

Chew on those. I will too as I get cozy with my date for the evening................. Mr.Sandman. ;-)

What's on your mind ?

I think that most people would be a lot happier if they learned to just say what's on their mind instead of hiding it. 


Let's have some fun shall we?? Thank you B.C. for offering this. 


Now, do you "really" think people would be happier doing that?


This may tie into that whole "secrets" entry I am working on, but I'm still..... contemplating/brooding on that entry as a whole. ;-)


For some things, it's so very easy to say what's on your mind;  "I'm cold." "I hate that sweater" " I really like that song". But for the most part, those things are very superficial at best. Or, at least at very low risk.


But to say things that hit closer to a person, they are much harder to iterate, aren't they? Or is that just me? For instance (in hypotheticals) I could never easily tell a family member. "I think you are being incredibly rude and sincerely wish you would be more considerate" or tell a co-worker "Your assessment of your own wisdom is very over-inflated" or tell someone you have feelings for ....... whatever it is you can't say to them in person.


Who does it help to say these things? The other person? Hmm, I think you can argue that by just considering yourself that other person. It's only nice when it's something you "want" to hear.


Does it help the confessor? Well, that's what I'm trying to find out with that other blog, but I guess it depends on what the utterer is looking to accomplish. When a person shares their mind they kind of are assuming the other person cares what they think, or at least has an interest in what they are talking about and value their opinion. What if they don't? What if what's on "your" mind just makes another angry, or upset, or uncomfortable? What then???


In that vein, isn't speaking your mind a type of selfish act?


Sharing your mind, much like sharing your heart, is occassionally a risk taking venture....like swimming in greatly varied, unknown, bodies of water. Much better to test and be familiar with the water, knowing there's a chance there are some places you may never be safe to swim. Doesn't mean dangerous waters can't be very,very enticing and it doesn't mean we don't sometimes swim in them anyway. 


And, when exposing a part of yourself, let's say skinny dipping, sometimes it's much more comfortable to be by one's self. ( granted it may not be as enjoyable) 


Have I killed that analogy enough ??????


I guess, some thoughts I share like breath and others, sometimes I hold onto until;
 -  I deem them worthy or safe to share
 - they dissolve
 - they just can't be self contained any longer.

Or, if of a personal nature, until a person they are meant for asks for them. 


Some thoughts I want to hold onto forever while others I pray will fade away. And then, sometimes after those desired to fade thoughts have done so, they are revived and come back just as present as they ever were, if not more so.


Life's a pisser like that sometimes.


I have spoken enough of my mind tonight ;-)




“When a secret is revealed, it is the fault of the man who confided it”

Secret thoughts and open countenance will go safely over the whole world.