Learn something new everyday

A helpful distraction from personal thought - I learned a new word today from a student. Synesthesia.

Once you know what it means, you'll understand my surprize/ disappointment that I didn't know it already.

Synesthesia is a perceptual condition of mixed sensations: a stimulus in one sensory modality (e.g., hearing) involuntarily elicits a sensation/experience in another modality (e.g. vision). Likewise, perception of a form (e.g., a letter) may induce an unusual perception in the same modality (e.g. a color)


It's much more involved than that, and I am having some fun reading about it. The student brought it up as we were listening to a piece of rather abstract music that is about a modern work of art. He said that he couldn't describe the music using words as he was trying to become a synesthetic and experience the music that way.... and he was serious. I asked what synesthetic was and he gave an "ok" definition as it is somewhat difficult to define. I humorred him but had no idea what that was. I have heard that people with perfect pitch can tell a note by the color they see in their minds eye when hearing it, but that's the closest I could get. But, as I researched the artwork which the music was about, someone had described the artist as a possible synesthetic. So, it was there I ended up learning how to spell it and then began a little research.

It's a common attritubute associated to artists - visual, musicial, even theatrical. Other than that, I don't have much to say about it other than it's intriging. I will say it's almost as abstract as the condition it refers to. :-)

I do know I learned about something new today. Always a plus.

Always a plus to have healthy distraction too !

Morning thought

There's more to share with that caption, but as there is more pressing business at hand I wanted to note this one. In reading email from a orchestra board member she has at the bottom of her emails this quote:

Don't part with your illusions. When they are gone you may still exist, but you have ceased to live. --Mark Twain


Do you think Mr. Twain would be ok if one would substitute "delusions" for illusions? I mean, how different are they really, save connotation? ;-)
 
And... forgive any overly wayward thoughts these past days. Consider it the DayQuil talking :-)
 
And if you have any favorite quotes or mantras, share them. I use them often for...... regaining mental equilibrium..... kinda .....

Stealth mode???

Not sure if it worked, but......... I am feeling good. We'll see.

Keep it coming...

Just wanted to share one of those, "oh so awesome" moments that seem to happen with a little more frequency in my life than I might prefer.

Today's was at orchestra rehearsal. Let me preface a bit by saying my nose is stuffy and running like mad today. A great way to return back to work. But anyway, I was also reminded via email that I had a Chamber Orchestra rehearsal this evening. I was very excited about that ( note sarcasm) as I hadn't played my horn since.... Christmas. Well then I get a text from the principal horn ( he plays first horn - the high parts and the majority of the solos - I play second horn) that he would not be at rehearsal tonight due to a very bad accident his mother had. That was very sad news, but then he adds that I need to play the solo to Mendelsohn's Midsummer Night's Dream. Uhhhhh, not good timing.

So I looked it up online and the only free version I could find was the opening 20 or so measures AND I couldn't get it to print, so I saved it to my computer and took the whole laptop to rehearsal ( another push to invest in an iPad). So, nose running, face and lungs not in shape, I get through the first part of the rehearsal ( not fabulously I must add) and ask the 'handsome' but alternative lifestyle conductor if we would be playing the Nocturno ( the movement with the solo) I showed him the excerpt I had just so that if we did play it, he knew I wasn't a total moron by not playing the entire thing. He humored me and said sure.

When we got to it, I was playing by reading off a a laptop set on a chair, not the best for posture OR eye contact with your conductor, but I managed to get through it. ( I truly believe people in my aquaintance just learn accept the way I am and humor me on a general basis, as I am sure this looked far from kosher) I broke a few phrases becuase of lack of breath support, but the performance wasn't embarrassing. What comes next was though.

This very nice, but very LOUD oboe player comes to see me as we are dismissed from playing - the last number only used strings. The din of the room wasn't overly loud as rehearsal was still continuing and says in her whipser ( aka a def man's shout) "Did you see him smiling at you the whole time you played?" to which I replied " Uh, no. I was too busy squinting towards the laptop" She says," That's what I thought, that's why I wanted to tell you" to which, in the way that's only mine I said " Well that's a once in a lifetime experience"  - meaning me getting to play the solo, not him smiling at me..... although I do usually draw a scowl or an index finger pointing to a baton WITH a scowl. So I can only imagine he heard all of this and I could feel my face turning red, so I moved to get the heck out of dodge.

I haven't decided to thank him for humoring my solo read via email and pretend that the oboe player never made a comment or simply slink away and hope he heard nothing and this will all be a memory by next rehearsal. Hmmmmm.

So, my solo moment comes with a little piece of embarrassment to go with it.

Everyone else has moments like these too....... right???

Magical

I just wanted to write and say how magical snow falling at night at Christmas time is. I went out this evening as it just began snowing, and all I could do was smile. There is just something magical about snowflakes falling and glistening in the street lights. It may sound cheezy, but at this moment in time, that is totally irrelevant. It is still one of the most romantic scenes and feelings ever, even if you are by yourself. It's like being in a holiday movie classic. With any less restraint, I may have spun around and danced on the walk of the outdoor shopping mall. Instead, I lived vicariously through the little boy trying to catch snowflakes in his mouth. I couldn't help but to laugh out loud, and happily, his father seemed to be of good humor.

Tonight, at home, the balcony Christmas lights are on, the Christmas tree is glowing, the candles are lit, and snow is falling. The only thing missing is my little boy ( who hopefully is enjoying tonight playing video games with his father)

I'm sure one day, there will be a time when I get to share an evening like this with someone, but until then, I'm just thankful I get to experience this for myself.

The magic of Christmas...... or at least of snow.

New Love

Ok, so after driving back to CO, and although I had company which was great, my company was not confident in her abilty to drive a standard H stick shift, so I made the haul myself. Before we left, I told her that her job was to keep me awake by talking to me. Not being overly locquacious, we decided to stop by a book store on the way out of town and buy the audio book of the last Harry Potter book. That would take her off the hook. When seeing the price of that book was a mere $85, we decided to pass on that one. None of the others available really interested me, so we made the trip using lots of music and trivia books.

But, before I left my parents home, I found an audio book that was my grandmother's. I packed it, with only the slight intent of listening to it. I remember now that I brought it in the case that we didn't find one at the book store, but alas buried in the back of the car and subsequently forgot about it..... until I unloaded the car.

Now granted, it's a Danielle Steel novel, but, as I started listening to it, I found myself really enjoying it. In total, it's 6 hours and 5 CD's. I am currently on disc 3 and I listen to it to and from work, the grocery store, to my sister's, and anytime I'm in the car for more than 4 minutes. Sometimes I find when I get home, I turn off the car but keep the battery running and listen a few extra minutes before going in.

So, I found my new companion, in the car that is. Audio books. Perhaps, this will be a long lasting relationship. Or at least on and off often... as I can afford it. :-) Gramma was one smart cookie.

Movie completed

Well, we saw the movie. It was truly amazing. Sure it was a bit preachy feel good, but the cinematography was insane!!! IMAX 3D was definitely the way to go.

As for the company it was fine. No hand holding, and that wasn't a disappointment. We went for a drink afterwards, and that was nice too. He's a nice guy. He's mello and slightly reserved. He has a lot of life experience after him, so his perspectives are neat to hear.

I can't say as of yet if this relationship is going to be anything else than a neat friendship. No butterflies, no super eagerness to see him or talk to him, no checking the mirror 20 times in the hope that I look ok. It's just comfortable. I guess for the time being, that's ok.

I still can't help but to think that I'd really like butterflies. There's a high that comes with them that's kinda nice to. I'd just like to share the butterflies - like a butterfly farm :-)

I guess I'll just wait and see what tomorrow and tomorrow's tomorrows bring.

Here we go

Whelll...... so I went to dinner with this band director fella, and it was nice. Not "nice" nice as in butterflies and staring into the eyes kind, but comfortable conversation nice. Kinda like having dinner with a new friend.

Now comes the invite of the movie. Eeeek the MOVIE !! The second to last guy I went out with was the hand holding type. Okay, that in itself isn't terrible ( as there have been times in my life where it would have been nice had the guy done that) but on the "first" meeting?? Yeah, not so much. Plus he had really sweaty hands. Yucky :-( He needs to appreciate the fact that I was polite that day instead of just quickly pulling my hand away and promptly wiping it off on my pants. Ick. Just thinking about that makes my face pucker as if I had just sucked on a lemon. It's one of those gross uncomfortable date things.

Well, so I'm not sure I want to hold hands with this guy.... yet or ever. Is that a sign?? On one hand it's like "holding hands, what's the big deal?" to the other hand of "physical contact of any sort needs to be appropriate to the feelings and desires of both parties". I'm not disgusted by the idea, I'm just not all excited about it either. And I'm not sure if after the fact I'd be relieved if it didn't happen or simply disappointed.

And butterflies, how important are they really?? I have had butterflies once or twice, but they didn't amount to much. Actually, I guess they really didn't amount to anything. What good are butterflies if they aren't mutual anyway?? Even if they were, can't butterflies fly away as easily as they came?

I asked this question in an earlier post " When someone marries a partner because they are a good stable person even though the fire and butterfly feeling isn't there, is that settling? Or is that making a choice and/or a sacrifice?" Well, I ask that again, more seriously. Is this worth investigating to see if this.... fits? I am currently thinking of relationships as clothes buying. There are those clothes that you'd love to have but the cut or style would just never look good on you or the clothes that make you look and feel great, but you can't afford. These are the folks that you fall for but they have no interest in you. Then you have the clothes that you look great in and you can afford. These are those precious mutual butterfly, mutual interest, born for each other types. Ladies, you know how often that happens. Then you have the clothes that you love, that look great on you, that you can afford, and that only last about 7 wearings before they snag, shrink, have a hole, tear, rip, or some other malfunction that ruins that initial purchase perfection. Then you have the clothes that you may not look the best in, but are comfortable and reliable -those Wal-mart Hanes sweatsuits. Lastly you have the clothes that look like crap and feel like crap on you. Try not to buy those.

So how do you figure out which situation it is?? I guess you have to try them on. Is that what dating is, trying people on?? And how many times do you try something on before you determine whether you like the fit or not?? I personally am tired of finding clothes that either I can't stand, or clothes that make me feel great, but I can't afford. Maybe settling or searching for that great pair of sweats for comfort isn't so bad??? So I don't look to kill. There are no butterflies, or excitement spawned stomach turns. Is that so bad? Or it that a recipe for regret later??

Ugh !!!! Maybe I should consider the nunnery. Less hassle.

Happenings now: warm fuzzies and hmmmmms

It seems my desire to write stuff here comes and goes, but here is a "come's" evening.

#1 - I'd really like some snow as I have attended school related events ceaselessly since school began. Come on !!! One of the perks of teaching are snow days!!!!

#2 - In the past 3-4 days, I have received so many touching statements from former students and parents of former students saying how my teaching or being a part of my class has influenced them. I cannot tell you the meaning of these little emails or Facebook messages. They mean the world to me and inspire me more than money. Honestly. Although more money would be an awesome thing, knowing that what I do actually matters to someone is awesome - in every meaning of the word. And who said words were powerless??

#3 - There's a situation "brewing" and I'm not quite sure how to play it.Ok, that terminology is a bit crass, but there is untraveled territory to be seen and I am actually nervous about how to .... navigate it. There... is that better?

So this past weekend was another "band" thing. Shocker. Anyway, this one involved JH band directors and students, not my usual high school clan. Now in order to offer any sort of understanding, let me provide a wee bit of history.

When I first moved out here to the Springs, the school music program had next to nothing - not many instruments and not much of a library to speak of. So,I went around and introduced myself at some of the school district meetings and met my fellow band compadres. There were these 2 gentleman at a JH called..... well let's leave that out. Never know who reads this stuff. Anyway, they were like the dynamic duo, super friendly, super talented and had a kick butt junior high (JH) band program. They were both easy on the eyes, but one was married and at the time, the status of the other was undetermined. (I was married anyway at the time, so all that is really meaningless anyway).

2 or 3 years ago this dynamic duo broke up ( seriously, it was like a divorce in the band world) because one wanted to teach at the school where his kids would attend ( other end of the district) The guy who stayed got an assistant/co director with which he is less than enthusiast about. We have something in common there.

Well, last month, my assistant over paid this director for this JH honor band. The receiving director emailed us both about the overpayment and asked how we'd like that handled. The assistant answered very correctly. I hate dry emails as I receive over 100 work related emails daily ( no joke) so I responded something like we'd hunt him down if we didn't get that money back. He replied playfully, and we joked a little bit more. All innocuous fun. Then I saw him at a conference where we had a really good work related conversation - that was really great. I saw him again there and he introduced me to his son. Then at this honor band thing, all was good, but weird. Do you know the "weird" I am referring to? It's that feeling when you think someone likes you ( "likes you" likes you) or when you might think you might like them, but you don't want to send wrong signals and make things more weird or simply scare them off or you don't want to seem to eager or something, so your interactions are almost stifled, weird. Well, that was this weekend. He's fun to hang out with in the group. He's a somewhat willing participant but not an initiator. You kinda need to create the topic of conversation before he'll engage in it. ( sound familiar?)

We have exchanged a little Facebook messaging and I now have the phone numbers. Well, over the last 7 years or so, my phone skills have deteriorated greatly. I don't cold call anymore unless I am pissed and need something done or fixed. But I don't think that's the bigger concern here.

He's older than me. Now I have always sought older men because of the generality that they are more mature and the whole "leader" conceptual thing. But when I thought older, I thought 1-5 years. Well, he's in his mid forties. With 2 teenagers. How would this work?? And he's a colleague. What if things went unpleasantly?? What would that do??

But he seems like a really nice guy and the dating pool hasn't been overflowing with overly viable options. I just don't know.

I kinda would like to get to know him on a level other than colleague, but geesh, I don't even really remember how to date past date #1. And such an older fella? How do you know if there are expectations or a timeline or something?? And what if it did work?? I don't know.

So this is the latest consternation. If you have thoughts or ideas, please comment. Otherwise, wait for more of the tale of 2 band directors. Worst case, I'm making a mountain out of a molehill ( another specialty of mine ).

Quote of the day

Don't be afraid of being wrong. But love when you are right.

RE: confidence

Belief, want and need

While I was driving home from the conductors symposium, I was thinking about the events and information presented at the event and trying to process it all. One thing I realized, or that I appreciate is that music educators, especially the most respected ones at the collegiate level, are some of the most enlightened and inspired people I have ever encountered. Music education, and education in the US in general, is in an age of uncertainty and floundering direction. It is so easy to be discouraged or to feel as if all you are is overworked and undervalued. The lecturing conductors helped to remind us, or me at least, that education of any sort is not about the now, but rather the later. Inspiring anyone to think, evaluate, challenge, describe, find alternatives, and give them some of the tools necessary to arrive at these goals, is a vision and a goal that may not be immediately seen. I know that I didn't appreciate half of the valuable teachers in my school years until I was out well of their presence, yet I remember them and the lessons they taught all too well. I may not fully appreciate mathematics to this very day, but I know that Mr. Frasier loved it, and I did in that precal class what I did for him. I wish I had encouraged myself to seek further application than filling a page with a 20 or more step proof.

One of the things these gentlemen said in their closing statemenst was, "surround yourself with quality people and you will become a quality person". Though sometimes this seems more challenging than others, I so believe this statement.

Another thing the emphasized over the 2 days was to teach the "feeling" or the "emotion" of the music. This is how I listen to music ( which is why I can only take hard rock and metal in small doses - too angry sounding) but I never realized how challenging this feat is for others. We listened to a few pieces and the one Maestro asked us to think of emotional descriptions of the excerpts. There were many in attendance who had trouble doing this. This is my main mission in my classroom. To help students have a reaction to music, whatever it may be. I forget who said it, but there is a quote that begins "Art/music begins where words end"

As I was thinking about these things, and trying to synthesize them when I began to take it in a different direction. It began in the direction of relationship and then I realized it transpires far beyond that. I began with the idea that a person is a collection of what they believe, what they need, and what they want. Perception is a persons reality, so therefore their belief system - right, wrong, good, bad, correct, incorrect, genius, ignorance, need, desire is the basis of who they are and how they act. Although fact can't be altered, perception can.

This collection of things guide peoples choices. They drive a particular car, purchase a home, befriend a person, subscribe to a religion, etc based upon a belief of a perception, a want or a need (even if that is only perceived).

Have you ever wanted or believed that you needed something that was bad for you? A bad decision, a relationship, a job, etc. simply because of of your beliefs, wants or needs? Where you aware that your .... perception or hierarchy of want and need was askew and you weren't aware of it? (The easiest analogy is the girl digging the bad boy type.) What was the result? Did you discover that the thing was "a poor choice" on your own? Did someone help to change your perception? Did an experience? Do you still want that " poor choice" even though you know it is a poor choice? Can you honestly tell yourself that?

A former student of mine, I guess 3 years ago now, delivered a graduation address with the message "What are you doing"? I think that question is one people should ask themselves on a fairly frequent basis, but then follow it with "Why are you doing it?"... for what purpose, result, goal?

How do you convince yourself to make the "right" choice when your perception of want or need drive you elsewhere? How do you make the choice that fills the need but may neglect the want? The choice that fits the perception of practical, but perhaps not the one of aesthetic? Is that what "settling" is? When I sacrifice perfection on a piece I select for the kids for the experience and exposure to it, is that settling?" When someone buys a smaller home so that they can afford their kids swimming lessons and soccer clubs, is that settling?" When someone marries a partner because they are a good stable person even though the fire and butterfly feeling isn't there, is that settling? Or is that making a choice and/or a sacrifice?

If you know you keep making poor choices is a specific arena - finances, relationships, music literature, etc, how does one change the belief, the want, the need, or their apparent hierarchy to one another in order to make wiser decisions?

I just arrived to this thought trail with the questions, " What if there was a thing you really wanted, or really thought you wanted, but you believe or even know that you can't have it? And what if you have had this want, this vision for so long that it is almost a part of you? How do you let that go without losing part of yourself? Or is letting go of the want, and the results of that the continual creation of who you are becoming?"

This could be a career goal, a personal image, parenthood, etc.

Not sure how I got here from a conductors symposium, but I know it had to do with the messages and the music. We heard music that was 'longing' 'anxiety' 'angst' ' hope' 'freedom' 'sturm and drang' etc. These composers had to have felt those things in order to write music having it. And one of our jobs is to help our students "translate" that. One of the points of contention was that teachers are making bad music choices teaching our students to appreciate 'bad' music - music that doesn't express anything, that doesn't say anything. And some of us are driven to, or drawn to bad music. They were offering suggestions on how to improve a directors selection processes.

I just wondered how many of us get stuck in a personal or professional rut for essentially the same reason, we are drawn to bad choices. How do we change our schema, our perception, our structure and understanding of want and need in order to make better choices? Can we help others do the same?

Another big message was "take risks" but I'll save processing fallout from that on another day.

Guess I'll keep with this whole music thing for at least another year :-)

Good concert tonight

There's much to say here, but I'm fried. So the conclusion is that my kids did a "great" job on their concert. The younger, potentially less motivated, less experienced group played 2 band numbers most wouldn't know by name. The cool thing is that 2 of the clarinet players are 8th graders and the best clarinets in that band!!!! They did a pretty good job. Mostly pleasing sounds and no train wrecks.

The wind Ensemble, my essential band nerds did very well. We did a tribute to Leroy Anderson. Although the woodwinds were hating life ( in Anderson, the woodwinds replace the strings in the orchestral parts i.e a LOT of notes that go very fast) they executed pretty well. We did Irish Washerwoman, Bugler's Holiday ( which the trumpeters did very nicely in) and of course Sleigh Ride. Did you know Mr. Anderson wrote Sleigh Ride in a heat wave?? I think that's hilarious.

So, this begins our spring concert season. The Symphonic band has 2 more concerts before the end of the year and Wind Ensemble..... eh.... well they have a minimum of 4. Gettin' 'er done in Bandland. Time for more vitamins and, for the moment, bed. It's gonna be a busy spring :-)

Monday

Monday's just suck. This one actually wasn't terrible, but seemed to last forever. Funny how that tends to happen on the first day of the week. Well, only 4 more to go. :-)

Weekend Update

This weekend was fairly unremarkable I guess. Mostly consumed with Honor Band stuff. I always smile thinking about when bunch of band nerds get together. It's like we all commune with one another, sharing stories of literature, classroom woes, budget concerns, trips and funny stories etc. It's like there is this common bond so that whether you have known a person for 2 years or 2 days, you have this awesome thing in common. It's one of those situations where you rarely have to go to the good ole weather standby for a conversation piece. Do computer geeks, architects, dentists, etc feel the same way when they congregate??

One of the guest conductors is 52. That's not all that remarkable, but as he was downing his 2nd or 3rd cocktail, he and I began discussing children. He mentioned that he and his wife just had a baby!!! Wow!! At 52 with a 0 year old. But as he talked about it, it was funny how unshocked I was. He seemed to be a very alive man with a great deal of energy and things to offer. But, after time had passed, I did register what a risk that may have been. I mean, I wonder if he and his wife talked and tried for this or if it was one of those happy surprises. Now was is well, but as he mentioned, he can't help but wonder what things will look like in 15 years.Well regardless, I wish them the best. These things do remind me that although the circumstances were less than ideal, having my son at 23 was a wonderful thing. I do wonder if and when I'll ride that ride again, and if and when I'll decide when it's no longer feasible.... if the decision isn't made for me before that. As of now, circumstances more favorable than the last run, I think I'd like to have another one or two. If that's not to be though, I am very happy and grateful for my one. :-)

The concert was very fine as well. It's impressive to see what a group of high schoolers can synthesize in 2+ days of rehearsal. It's inspirational even.

Today Little C and I worked on school work. Kiddo seems to be getting hammered as he had math, 1 paragraph, 1 paper and a spelling contract to tackle, but I also think some of that may be that he may not be using some of his classtime wisely. Ah,the adventures of academia begin. His imagination is great, but his ability to write and put together information and detailneeds some attention. Glasses up to webs, outlines, rough drafts and revisions. Good times. :-L

Well there it is. My exciting life ;-). Here's looking forward to a week of concerts and a convention in Greeley. At least we get next Monday off. w00t!!!!

Quote of the day

" I have heard it said that love is friendship on fire".

Update -1

I'm on my way

Not much to say today. One major event - passport application completed and sent away. I am told I should have it by mid to late February. One step closer !!!!! Ooooooh.. I am so excited!!!! Hip-hip-hooray !!!!

A new day of sour notes

Alright, I have a reputation for saying...... unwise, or politically incorrect things sometimes, but today in my one class, I exceeded all expectation. Thank goodness no one was supervising.

Things to note -

1) Ta or "tah" is a form of articulation in instrument pedagogy

2) I am on medication and slightly sleep deprived

3) I can sink quicker than many

So it started by me telling my female tenor sax player in a section of 2 other males to play "more manly". She was playing too soft to be able to control her sound, but this was the best instruction I could offer. Needless to say, it wasn't that great.

Next, we had a passage that required a staccato or separated articulation. This was to be achieved by going ta-ta, using the front of the tongue to more definitely interrupt the air stream. So I proceeded to instruct, "We need more "ta-ta" , bigger "ta-ta"" Well, the purity and innocence of my little protected school must be depleting as over half the class erupted into laughter. Great. Once I realized what made them laughed, I chuckled and little and then jokingly scolded them for being inappropriate. Not two seconds later I said, no joke, "That performance was so dull, so flat. What happened to the "ta-ta"? " For the love of all that is holy, I couldn't seem to redirect articulation instruction to a less.... feminine variety. After the laughter got going again, I chuckled myself because of course, I went there too. They asked what I was laughing at and, having no sensor due to medication and lack of sleep I replied, "I guess that was the male version of our performance" Luckily only a few got it. It's sad when you get that parental side to side head shake from high school adolescents.

Better start that job hunt sooner than later ;-)

This one time..... in band class. Ah, what my students will remember about me. :- L.

Gotta love the meat!!

No this is not a sexual post.

I just purchased meat from this door meat vendor ( still not a sexual post) No joke. These nice gentlemen came to the door soliciting stuff similar to Omaha Steaks, but distributed from a vendor here in Denver and the Springs, and was offering this crazy deal on Fillet Mignon, flank steak ( I think) T bone steak, and chicken in various marinades. Since the freezer was fairly empty, I bartered a bit and got myself some steak and chicken!!! It looks really yummy, but I guess I have to look up how to cook it now, huh??? Damn it Jim!!! ;-) Here's hoping that the grill can handle anything.

Weekend project. Whose coming over for dinner??? Bev???

At least I already know how to make chicken. :-) I'm feeling some chicken cutlets coming on !!!

Sinus Infection = bleh

Ok, after getting way too little sleep last night I booked a visit to the doctor. Diagnosis, sinus infection. Yucky !!! But at least is isn't the usual upper respiratory distress who-ha it normally is this time of year. I'm beginning to think that I become ill immediately following any trip to Chicago. Perhaps I should request that the Midwest band clinic take place less midwesty..... like Connecticut :-).

But I now have drugs. Here's hoping with that, the ole immune system will give it the ole one-two and I'll be better by the concert next week. That'd be nice.

Well, in my few hours home alone before picking up kiddo, it's time for another round of Pride and Prejudice. For those of us without significant others, there is always Hollywood to base your dreams upon ;-).

Early bedtime.... boo

Last night, or should I say yesterday morning we arrived back in CO. Our flight was delayed ( shocker.... as that was the theme of this years holiday travel) so we didn't even arrive in CO until around 11:30/11:45. Then about 8 flights were using the same luggage carosel as ours so it took 35 minutes to retrieve the luggage. Maybe more but I was falling asleep while waiting. Then once the luggage and the car were gotten, its a 45 minute trip back to my sisters home. My son fell asleep on her sofa ( an oddity for him) and I retired at about 1:45am. Not good as some kind of sinus slime decided to consume my head. Well, needless to say I did not go to work today. I slept as much as I good. The slime is making an exit and seemingly decreasing, but it still ain't pretty.

I decided I should go to my orchestra rehearsal, which wasn't terrible for a sightreading session and .... he let us go early. But now, as I have been used to going to bed between midnight and 1am, it is a bit after ten, and I have to go to bed. I much rather still attempt to win this stupid iTouch game or tinker on the laptop, but I fear the responsible thing is to go to bed.

Waaaaaahh!!! I don't want to !!!! Alas...... back to reality. :-(

And for the unexplained countdown ( let's see if I can commit to this) +/- 0 . Next update no later than Friday. Wish me luck !!!!

New Years declaration

Over the last couple days, as I fight this really yucky cold, I am thinking 2 things.

a) I think I need to make a "bucket list" or at least a "getter done in 2010" list. Some of the things I want to put on it you ask? Well....

1. Go to Europe :-)

2. Go to a beach w/Christian

3. Clean the interior upholstery of the car

4. See the new Harry Potter flick ( too bad I lost my HP movie viewing buddy :-( )

5. Go to Austria some New Years ( not this year, obviously)

6. Start savings account to take Christian to Disney before age 14

7. Go skiing in Colorado :-) Yup, I really haven't done that yet :-(

8. Go ski diving

9. Climb Pikes Peak again... at least to Barr Camp, but would like to get to the apex once

10. Jog the incline

11. Go camping in Rocky Mountain National State Park

There may be more, but I'll start there for now.

The second thing on my mind was something that always appears there after most visits back to MD, well... at least as of 2 years ago. This thing is the apparent need to press on a personal bruise. I think the new decade may persuade me to discontinue this emotionally painful and debilitating process and direct these energies elsewhere. Boy I hope so. ( I'm probably not alone in that wish) But that hope piece is a pisser.

I have to accept some responsibility as I am too inhibited to say things that I want to say at the times that maybe I should say them, but.... like many Americians, I defer total responsibility. :-) It's easier to offer food to someone if they drop the hint that they are hungry, right? Someone offered the wise statement, "if something was gonna happen it would have happened already". Yup. There it is. Truth. Ugh !!!!!

You don't need to be told what is being said so loud in silence. It's nice however, to know that I'm not the only one stubborn enough to want to be told. :-) Thanks BM !!!

So 2010, here's to good times, good friends and good memories. Let's make them wonderful!!!!

But if we could address the good health portion sooner rather than later.......... :-)

Power of music

Ahh, I have just caught the end of Polar Express 2 times tonight. Seems I can't be fortunate enough to find it before 30 before it ends. Good thing we own it.

But the music of that movie.... oh the music. It makes me feel.... yes, it makes me feel. It's a heartache that's not sadness. It tears that come with a smile. It's the want to hold my son and treasure every minute. It's hoping someday that I can watch and lean my head on the shoulder of a man who I love, and who loves me. It's thinking of family and friends. It's that thumping, that heart pain that I think writers associate with love, and I get it from music.

It's a great movie, but the music..... Music reaches me like nothing else. Does everyone have this strong of a reaction to good music? I hope so. I hope if I can do anything in my life, it's share this feeling, this power with all who will have it.

And the music plays on....

What if you just wanted...

It's a sad state when you want to tell someone that you miss them, but you know they couldn't care less.

Why does it seem that proven or potentially bad relationships are so addicting and good ones are either impossible to find or never to your liking?

Too much free time is a bad thing for a lonely heart :-(.

Silly yet needing to be said

I have just watched Pride and Prejudice... the BBC version, for perhaps the 11 or 12th time and once again I realize that I have a Hollywood infatuation with Collin Firth !!!!! I swear, if I were 5 years older and resided in Britain, I would move heaven and earth to meet the man. Meeting him before he was wed, would also have been advantageous. I know he is probably nothing like any of the characters he plays, but, for all the characters in all the movies I have seen him in, I'd take him as any of them.

It must be "wretched" to base your hopes of a man on characters derived and seen in fiction. I feel justified in saying that this desire is far more approvable than that of a man's desiring a pornographic character, but not more realistic, I'm afraid. 

I am thinking that Jane Austin and I might have been the best of friends, for better or worse. Though her use of the English language certainly trumps my own. But for verbosity, it may be a tie :-)

Is such an admission a question on eHarmony??....  If so, I would state that my vision of a person I could see myself in a successful relationship with is a man with the sense and education of Mr.Darcy in Pride and Prejudice, the heart, patience, and acceptance of Mr. Darcy in Bridget Jones' diary, and the countenance and eyes of Collin Firth.

There it is folks. Boy, am I superficial. 

Lucky for me, no one reads blogs anymore ;-)

Funniest thing ever

I so would have posted this on Facebook, but I think my livelihood would be at stake. It made me cry laughing. I'm sure it's not true, but it is really funny!!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rqtr_RvR3sY

Adventures with Sparklers

On  this 4th of July I reminisce of a time when my mother, father, friend and myself were in my parent's kitchen. And the family dog -a very important element in this story.

So, my father emerges from the basement with a box of sparklers he had found, purchase date estimated to have been circa 1962. Ok maybe they weren't "that" old, but they had to be a good 4-6 years old.

Dad walks over to the kitchen sink and retrieves a match. He is certain that a sparkler from this box won't light, but sometimes, you just have to test a theory. I was standing off to his side and my friend and my mother were sitting at the table in front of him opposite the sink. The dog, black haired labrador, was at his feet looking up appearing to be thinking my dad was a moron, or just annoyed.

Dad held about 2-3 lit matches under the sparker, not facing the sink mind you, but all of us instead, and was about to proclaim his accuracy when..... fpfpf, zzzzzz, the sparkler lit. The dog arose and this was when the action commenced.

So here stands dad, surprised that the ancient sparker actually lit and staring at it, my mother yelling at my father for lighting a sparkler indoors and my friend and I hurriedly patting out the embers of the sparkler which were falling on the startled and bewildered dog. It was hard to pat the dog as my eyes were filling with tears from laughter. Dad never moved. The dog never moved. All the action continued for the minute of sparkler excitement. At the end dad states, "Eh, guess they do still work" and my friend and I were short of breath from laughing. Mom just shook her head in smiling disapproval, knowing that this was her husband, for better or worse, and the dog........ just laid back were he was.

Lesson - don't light sparklers indoors. At least not around flammable pets anyway :-)

For my friend

Humpty Dumpty took a rest and sat on a wall.

Rumor has it he was pushed and then there were eggs for all.

From the spot that he cracked he fed many eaters

Such travesty all because of some egg beaters.

Feeling punchy

I am thinking about going to bed, but instead my mind insists on creating things that greatly amuse me. This has been happening on and off for the past few days. I think of these really great things to write down ( mostly while in the car, mind you) and then, when I come inside, nada.

Let's see, the topics are ( as I remember them) being in love with a mountain ( I was ruminating on how looking at Pikes Peak makes me happy) Commenting on every post I see in Facebook ( this is a great deal of restraint for me not to do so) The ideal banter of a man asking me out ( the more sarcastic, but not mean the better. This one had me sold on the drive from Castle Rock to the Springs. If a guy ever manages to recreate that most awesome scenario, I'm gonna be one happy lady :-) ) Oh and the topper.... after flying Delta this round and having those _awesome_ Biscoff cookies as the snack..... I actually went on line and bought some. OMG!!! How freakin sad is that??? Well, I'll be happy when I get the cookies anyway. ( super big grin as I type)

I bought fans today as my condo is not air conditioned. ( A situation which will take a year or two and a couple thousand dollars to remedy. Eh, it's only water weight.) Anyway, fans are bloody expensive. I purchased four - 3 large and one small - and we aren't even talking the cadillacs of fans now, and the bill was over $100. Target cheap???? Kiss my ass. Should have gone to Wal_Mart. Anyway, at least they are doing the job. The one is oscillating now in front of me as I type. Ah.........

And again, I laugh and I have nothing. It's like being drunk without having drunken anything. High on life I suppose :-)

Summer life lessons

Funny how time flies all the time, but especially when you're on vacation. A week and a day in and it's been purty fun :-)

Things I have learned or reminded myself of:

#1 -  I "love" fire - ref. Jamie and Jessie's house

#2 - Facebook is a trip - ref. a lot of free time

#3 - Barefoot Bernie's is one really nice place to go in Hagerstown

#4 - I get loud(er) when consuming alcohol - uh... I think I won't explain ;-)

#5 - I appreciate those who can withstand and tolerate my loss of verbal filter and volume control when consumption occurs - truly a blessing :-)

#6 - Avoidance in uncomfortable situations is a reaction that disappears in about 10-15 minutes - I am thinking this is a good trait

#7 - People at the Maryland House are assholes

#8 - I - 495 is like Indy 500 for the common man

#9 - Henna smells funny, but looks pretty spiffy.  - :-)

#10 - Kohr's Ice Cream with Chocolate sprinkles is really, _really_  yummy !!! :-)

Let's see what other life lessons await !!!!!

The beach is so close I can taste it

Oh how I want to be here, right now. 

Soon. Very soon.

There is no care, worry, or concern that the beach cannot wash away.

What's going on

This post is an attempt to answer that question. 

I am almost a week out from the end of the school year from hell. Why exactly that is the case is my summer project to figure out. Maybe it was the school turmoil. The fact that the school ended up in the papers in an unfavorable light about once a month. Maybe it's that sports hold value in the American society and the arts sometimes seem like they are simply fighting for survival. I teach a "recreation" where as the cross country coach teaches a life mission. Whatever. Braun vs aesthetics. Here, braun seems dominate. And this is why I should have moved to Europe many moons ago. It's not my fault that people are too stupid to feel emotion or communicate non verbally. Ok, so I have a pretty big soapbox there. I'll rant more at another time. Maybe it was the fact that work ( am jazz, school, lessons, orchestras) got a little insane so that a standard work day was 6am to 11pm. But everybody does that.... right? Maybe it's the fact that the state education budget ( not to mention the federal one) was drastically cut so that the raise percentage for next year averaged about 1.5%. Yea. That gets little C and I to McDonalds at least once more a month.

Hard to believe I actually do like my job. But a few more years like this, and I'll have to start figuring out what else I am good at :-)

In the midst of all that, I am _finally_ in the stages of putting together my condo. It is still firmly in "builder beige" and I'm just not feeling that. So, I must ponder and wonder what color(s) I should paint things and then go out on the limb, commit to the color and start swinging that paint brush. I am both anxious to do this and simultaneously scared to death. I know it can always be repainted, but I think I am allergic to investing time into things which turn out to be a mistake? And then spending more time attempting to fix that mistake. Does that make sense? I know in the end, you learn things and nothing is permanent, but, why waste the time unless your pretty damn sure it's what you want? All this for paint. Hmmmm.

The little guy has been with me straight for the past 3 weeks I think. His dad is in the middle east ( playing for diplomats, not fighting with big guns) and his grandparents headed for NH a while ago. He's a handful but it's been a blast. We saw "UP", which actually was really cool, and have done some other fun stuff. We attempted to get his remote controlled Apache helicopter in flight, but.... well.... that wasn't pretty. I'll wait until my parents are out here again and ask good ole daddy for some manly assistance on that one. His dad comes back in the next couple days and I think that is good. Christian will get some time to spend with him and his girlfriend and her 2 kids ( which Christian hasn't totally decided whether he likes or not). It's hard to explain to Christian the differences between his father and me. It's hard to explain why... let's just leave that there, but I try and I think he gets some of it. And the stuff I don't get, well, I just tell him I don't get it either :-)

This week we are preparing for our grand escapade back to MD. Last year I dreaded this trip, but this year, I'm actually looking forward to it. I have a few things I want to do. Little things - take a picture of my high school, walk around my folks neighborhood, take Christian to the park down the street, catch up with the friends that I seem to have missed every other stinking visit back. I might even venture back to VA to the University where I started college. Just a snapshot of things past. Then to the beach. Ahhh, the beach. I need to dial up the energy so I can wake up for at least one sunrise, get my am bike ride or walk in  before short stuff wakes up and the activities really take off. And maybe we'll go to Barnegate lighthouse again. I went there many times as a kids with my grandparents. Let's see if I can still climb that one :-) Oh, how I hope the weather is ok ( mostly for Christian's sake). I'd be ok with a book, rain, and the sound of the ocean, but for a 9 year old, that's major suckage. It's also be great if the water temp was above body numbing temps as well.

What else? Not much. Our tadpole "Willy" passed away. We had a farewell ceremony and then flushed him. And so of course we get two more. Can't leave the hotel "Atlantis" empty for long. Darn these elementary teachers and their maturation/ growth lessons. The 3 gerbils are still kicking and for the time being we are the keepers of Ken's 2 guinea pigs. I am highly allergic to these creatures, but with a face mask, all is well. I'll be sad, yet happy to see them go.

So that's what's been happening here. I guess it's time to retire for the night. 

This was an informative entry. I'll go for funny next time :-)

A good day

Today was a good day... after a long night. Kiddo and I got up early and he does his thing and I do mine. As I am finishing in the bathroom, he knocks on the door and tells me his is finished his business. I say "That's good". He then asks, " So, what would you like for breakfast?"

Too cute.

Then later today he takes my horn case to the car without being asked... actually without me even having the intention for him to take it. He just saw it and took it. He's going to make some young lady very happy one day. He already made a mommy very happy.

Then, my friend Susan, funniest woman I know, tells this story. 

This young man and woman were engaged to each other and going through that pre marriage counselling through their church. The pastor told them that they were more than welcome to be married in that church as long as they stayed "pure" through their engagement. The went for weeks and weeks keeping true to that promise that they would stay untouched until their wedding day. 2 weeks before the wedding, they went to their pastor and told him they had fallen. He said "We were showing so much restraint. And then this one day, I saw her reach for a light bulb, and my lustful nature overwhelmed me and I took her then and there." The pastor shakes his head and says, "I am so sorry. But you realize that you are no longer welcome to married in this house of God" The man says, "That's alright. We aren't welcome at The Home Depot anymore either"

I do live in Colorado Springs remember. Tame crowd here :-)

Ho hum

I am simply writing because I am at a loss of other things to do. Sleep would be the wisest course of action, but have you ever felt sleepy yet not wanted to sleep? Well this is where I am currently. I know there are things I could be doing but none of them seeming important enough to actually do them. Instead I play computer card games that seem to make my computer awfully slow and make the spinning wheel of color and frustration appear. Grrrrr.

What is going on? Life as it has days before and as it most likely will days following. We are reaching the end of the school year and it can't come fast enough for me. This year had been full of educational woes that seem to have a doppler effect that continues forever. And then, last week, a fellow teacher and acquaintance of mine had just been arrested for child porn. Great. :-( I really like/ liked the person too, so I don't really know what to think about all that. I hope that it is all a mistake or that they were set up, but I also see that such a thing is probably not the reality of the situation. Just goes to show, sometimes you can't believe the media and sometimes you learn how much you DON'T know about someone.

That, and one of the students who graduated "last year" is engaged. Engaged!! Ok, I see that my view of the matrimonial state may be a little skewed at this very moment in time, but, not even a year out of high school and off to the alter? Really? How much life can you have under your belt? I can't imagine going through my undergrad, not even in my twenties, and being married? Uh, no. Is this just the cynic in me? Thinking it can't work? Thinking who they have/haven't met? Thinking, how well can someone know themself at 19? This just seems so foreign to me and in turn, maybe unwise? Who knows? I wish them well, and if they make it for the long haul, maybe there's a lesson to be learned, but damn if I know what it is now.

Other than that, probably not a whole lot to say. At the moment, I am living the life of a psuedo-slacker. It's not overly rewarding, so I'll be happy when the momentum changes at the end of the year.

One more personal performance to go and 3 more school ones. Eh, could be worse I guess. It's hard to motivate others when your simply trying to motivate yourself. Ever been there?

Ok. 11pm here with a 5:30 wake up right around the corner. :-( Funny, I'm not too worried about the struggle to fall asleep, rather the one that's to be fought at the sound of the bell.... or buzz as the case may be.

Oh, well. Off to round one.

Dumpster Diving

Busy week this week, but this event today topped the cake. My son has a cell phone now ( yes, my 9 year old has a cell phone... we can discuss that later) Yesterday, I asked kiddo where his phone was. He said that I had it last ( the worst thing a kid can say when something is missing). A friend from the east coast was out and staying here for the past couple days. On our way to the airport, I brainstormed in the car as to where the phone might be. She said that she had last seen in on the kitchen counter. Uh-oh. I remembered a couple days ago working in the kitchen and hearing a "thunk" into the garbage can. I looked quickly and didn't see anything of note. So I dismissed it as a can that I probably knocked in. So, now, I thought differently. When we got back home from the airport off to the dumpster we went. Here 2 good things happened a) the dumpster wasn't that full and b) there were 2 teenage boys nearby. When they saw what we were doing they offered to help. I LOVE stupid teenagers!!!! They were actually very helpful. We found our 2 trash bags and in one, lo and behold, was kiddo's phone. Thank goodness.

So this was how we spend part of our Sunday. I know your jealous !!!

Back from NY

Returned from NYC. I feel like I have so much say about this visit, but can't for some reason.  I really do love the city, but wonder how much I'd love it if I did actually live there. That was probably a woulda, coulda, shoulda for my early twenties. Now, as a thirty something with a child... maybe not. Let's see what 40 holds :-)

I have some great pics that I'll share, once I relocate my camera :-)

We visited Central Park one VERY COLD morning, but it was still gorgeous. Toward the end of our walk I saw a female wearing the most brilliant and large diamond I have ever seen and another women walking 3 King Charles Spaniels ( the dog I will own someday).

Carnegie Hall was fabulous as was the performance. We also got a tour of Radio City Music Hall and got to stand on the stage. I never knew how vast or extravagant that building was. What a marvel !!!

Lion King was very good... even though I fell asleep in the first half. A five dollar dixie cup sized coffee helped me stay awake through act 2.

Lastly, I got my authentic "Boreberry" bag. ( can't afford a real Burberry) and wanted a scarf too, but we didn't make it to Battery Park where the "real" bargaining takes place :-). Also heard Chinatown was good for that, but we didn't make it down that far.

Thinking of trying to get there again late November to see the Christmas Show Spectacular and take Bev and Little C to see Wicked. I think Christian is now old enough for a little sample of the Big Apple. We'll see how that all plays out.

Last note - everyone should be on Facebook. It is the best way to see what people are up to, and that they are breathing in just a few minutes. You may choose to be on that "thing" for many hours, but a few minutes allows you to check in on your peeps :-). So if you aren't on it, get on it !!!

Catch up more later.

In NYC

In NYC with some kiddos and parents from school. I so love it here. Visted M&M, Hershey's store, got a pretzel from a street vendor and a Starbucks ( of course). Tomorrow, backstage of Wicked, West Side Story and the Orpheus Chamber Orchestra.

Will tell more later. Too tired to be coherent :-)

Update - craziness here in CO

I love you all but I am typing this as a way to pass the time while cookies bake :-) Don't be offended, but don't be surprised if I stop abruptly either.

Crazy times. The school where I work is being attacked right and left. From racism to threats to sexual harassment... the list goes on and on. For safety sake I won't go into a whole lot more until hopefully one or more of these issues are resolved, but I will say don't get too excited. What people are screaming and up in arms about here happened daily at our local high schools. This is just a situation where extremists who have an ax to grind are spinning hard to do just that. Currently, what is "right" and what is "easy" are on polar opposites of the spectrum.

As for my world, the honor band phenomenon is passed. What a great run though. Good music, met great people, a wonderful time altogether. Exhausting, but great.

Here's the story that I will share and I hope you can get a chuckle out of teenage kids being stupid teenage kids.

This past Monday I took one of the bands to a regional competition where I fully expected them to perform well. This was a regional qualifying festival and if they performed well, we could have been offered a bid to state festival. Ok, so we spend the early afternoon on a state school campus getting lunch before all the activities begun. During this time, a few male students frequented the restroom. At many colleges prophylactics are sold in the restrooms. This one was no exception. These kiddos decided to try it thinking that it was a gag ( protected kids) When they got it, they then had to figure out what they should do with it. After microseconds of thought, they decided it would be humorous to elongate it and put it into one of their female friend's case. They would be around her when she opened it have a good laugh and move on with their day. Sadly, we did not stay in the location that the disclosure would have taken place. We moved to a different location. One where they were not all that close together. In transit, the item shifted ONTO her instrument. And, as it was a lubricated variety ( classy school) it congealed, giving it the appearance that it had been used.

This all manifested itself in the warm up room. The girl opened her case and was promptly shocked and nearly vomited and swore that she was not going to play her instrument that day ( and hasn't for a few). A freshman, thinking he was being helpful, brought the case up to me, IN FRONT OF THE ENTIRE ENSEMBLE, HOLDING UP THE ITEM, and shows me what the girl found in the case. I turned around, gave the mess to the assistant band director. My assistant then aids the girl, wipes off her instrument IN FRONT OF THE ENTIRE ENSEMBLE, while we warm-up. We then walk from the warm up room to the performance area. During this time, the kids were talking to one another and the situation spread around the band faster than the Hayman fire. 

End result..... our performance was pretty freakin' rough.

I thought condoms were supposed to keep you out of trouble???

Anyway, we have since handled the situation to the credit of good but stupid kids and gracious parents.

The glories of education.

Cookies done. Gotta run :-)

Week's news

Oh boy, what a week!!!

First of all, my school finds itself in yet another legal issue. This time regarding racism. A long story that I won't get into right now ( if ever) but yet evidence of what you get when you get over sheltered students together in one environment. Combining kindness and restraint with ignorance, selfishness, and plain cruelty results in bad things. Someone needs to teach our nice kids how to employ a good right hook once in a while - and that it can be worth it. The girl offended is one of the nicest most wonderful people I have ever met, and if I knew who the kid/kids were that said crap to her, i'd find them at the mall or behind some building and slug 'em myself.

Second on the event list was the trip to Alamosa. Pretty country, but so far, the armpit of Colorado as for culture. This is definitely a struggling area economically. the cool part was the townsfolk were really nice, but it felt kinda like being back in Falling Waters, WV. No cell service -this was a pisser as I was trying to coordinate my son's b'day party. No internet at the hotel. Beds as hard as rocks with a heater that was louder than a big-rig. Got some cool pics of Alamosa. I'll post them later.... hopefully.

The honor band itself was a little disorganized. Auditions in free for all style. Kids texting while in rehearsal ( that is a no-no) Even the guest conductor had to reprimand the band a few times ( That's really LQ) But a neat experience nonetheless. I really liked this conductor. Very musical and intuitive. This weekend to Greeley again for All-State.

In fact this week looks like Thurs Springs to Greeley to Pueblo to Springs - i.e. 6 hrs. Friday - Greeley to Pueblo to Greeley - i.e 8 hrs Saturday Greeley to Pueblo to the Springs - 4 hrs. I'm seriously considering taking Monday off. Glad I bought out my lease, 'cause this milage ain't going to be pretty.

Thank goodness for Starbucks !!!!!

Rolling on.......

Week in review and my loves

My son, Facebook, Mucinex, and Hilton hotels. Who could ask for anything more???

This weekend, I have traveled from Pueblo to Fort Collins back to the springs. Go milage. Good times. Met a musical genius. One of those super cerebral types from one of those Ivy Schools :). My ex-'s former band director in fact. Very smart, very talented... and what an ego to match. Eh, to each their own. Also learned a bit about double reeds and saw a really cool way to use a camera via computer to projector as a teaching tool. I want one :-)

Tired, but still trucking.

Next weekend, to Alamosa to meet another one. Anxious to see what the review will be.

In the meantime, about to teach a few lessons then use said money to watch "Mall Cop". Can't wait :-)

Sarcasm- the missing love language

Service, gift giving, quality time, touch, one and can't remember and the missing one...... sarcasm. How did they ever miss that?? The folks who wrote that book played with one too many Care Bears and received one too few Hallmark "Maxine" cards.

My rule: if I choose not to be sarcastic to someone, I must hate them. If I think I can't, I won't like them anyway.

I'm just saying.......

Geek Speak

It's almost as funny as band nerd jokes.

From a student's Facebook page:

Tux speaking "Failure isn't an option. However it does come pre-bundled with Windows." I laughed at that one :-)

Internet: where men are women, women are men, and children are FBI agents

When life is crashing down on you, check for missing semi-colons.

Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

People say that if you play Microsoft CD’s backwards, you hear satanic things, but that’s nothing, because if you play them forwards, they install Windows.

The ultimate metric that I would like to propose for user friendliness is quite simple: if this system was a person, how long would it take before you punched it in the nose?

Always program as if the person who will be maintaining your program is a violent psychopath that knows where you live.

Artificial Intelligence: The art of making real computers act like the ones in movies.

A computer program will always do what you tell it to, and seldom what you want it to.

I had a fortune cookie the other day and it said: 'Outlook not so good'. I said: 'Sure, but Microsoft ships it anyway'.

It is easier to change the specification to fit the program than vice versa.

If you give someone a program, you will frustrate them for a day; if you teach them how to program, you will frustrate them for a lifetime.

Real men don't use backups, they post their stuff on a public ftp server and let the rest of the world make copies.

Ah.... so clever.

I wish... I wish

I wish for... at least a two hour delay. Come on two hour delay !!!! Or even, snow day. Come on, come on, come on. Big money, no whammies !!!!

:-)

Prayer for Bobby

As I flip from channel to channel I came upon this movie. I got stuck. It's more poignant than I can describe.

The thought that comes to my mind, as I watch children in the conservative school I teach in, is it's so important to thoughtfully accept people - not necessarily their actions. It is not wrong to question a person about who they are, if for clarity. It is not alright to judge. It is also not wrong for the person asking to like or dislike their answers to the questions. It is wrong for them to judge them and disclose judgement, especially when that judgement is critical or accusatory for the answers or life choices shared.

Even God never gave the power for man to judge man - meaning their worthiness or sacredness of being human. According to scripture, that one solely belongs to him. Yet man all too often entitles himself as accurate judge of man. And it all starts in elementary school - cool vs uncool, proper vs improper, acceptable vs unacceptable, greater vs less.

Why do people persecute the harmless and fear the harmful? This is one of the ugly truths seen all too often in schools.

When I can, I am anxious to see the entire movie.

And I'll remember to ask when I think someone is not worthy of patience, effort, or understanding, "Who the hell are you to call them unworthy? Who said you were?"

Difference is not a problem to be fixed, merely a description to be recognized and understood.

Back to daily life

Ah, back to the world I know best... wake up ( or try to) at 5:45-6:00am work from 7:30-5:00pm, go home to attempt dinner and homework assistance or some other rehearsal or work related thing from 5:30-7pm or to 10pm. Find time for cleaning my home, and sleep.

Today - that's Saturday mind you; honor band from 9-3, errands from 3:20-4:30 lesson 5-6 and honor band concert from 7-9:30 then socialize with other large masses of adult band nerds from 9:45-11pm.

One of the clinicians was talking to one of his graduates saying " One of the great things in our profession is that you meet many people with similiar lives and interests" Very true. Band nerds adhere to one another like magnets to refrigerators.

That same clinician noted "The secret of a true musician..... having no life but music" Boy, I hope that's not true..... yet I fear it's all too so. Hmmm, maybe I need to find another hobby.... that I don't have time for ;-)

Yet with all of this, no time for wallowing or deep thought. Survival of the fittest, back in action.

Newly favored band piece - "Sleep" by Eric Whitacre. 

Marley and Me

Could say so much more, but let's leave it at...... very good movie. Two paws up :-)

Pride and Prejudice

I LOVE this movie !!!! Not the one with Kiera Knightly mind you, the older BBC version with Colin Firth ( another personal favorite).

If not inclined to watch based upon my fervor, watch as a cultural expression or just because you might have many hours to kill and in some part enjoy that period of time. It is one of those that give you tingles in your fingers it's so good.

A persons character is crucial in developing relationship and this movie does a great job of exploring that via a compelling story.

Character.... now there's another topic. It would be interesting to see what people thought of others character, but I suppose the only ways to know that are truthful disclosure and, heaven forbid, gossip.

Ok, back to the movie. (That's for me, not you :-))

BTW - I am writing this from my condo now furnished with Internet. Praise techies !!!!!! 

And it keeps going and going

Let me preface this by thanking all those places with Wi-Fi. Thank you for feeding the addiction....

As the diarrhea of thought pours out and onto this blog, I get a chance to read and hear what others may hear from me. Hmmmmm…. Interesting.

Ok, so the last entry. I can clearly understand how in a discussion someone may think that I am bitter. I swear I am not. Trying to figure something out, yes perhaps, but not bitter. The element that was missing from the entry was simple, yet obviously easily overlooked – tact. I am a firm believer that not only what you say but the manner in which you say it means a lot. I’ll digress to that specific soapbox latter.

But back to the whole “truth” idea. I think it is beneficial philosophy, although at the moment, yes, also a little self serving. Good truth is always easy to speak – I love this coffee, your house is beautiful, you look great, etc. There’s no harm in saying such things and sharing good news many times can feel good to the deliverer as well as the delivereree.

In areas of conflict or dissent, this isn’t the case, is it? It can be hard to say “You aren’t performing at the expected level” or “You don’t smell so good” or “ I don’t like you”. For some people, such talk comes far too easy, as if they don’t care at all how the receiving party may react. Granted, this may not always be a bad thing, but can’t be good for any relational dealing at the beginning. Only people who are aware of someone having such a trait and then being accepting of it can be in such a person’s close circles, I guess, but even they, I have to suspect, run the risk of getting hurt by such an inconsiderate brandishing tongue.

But, I think relationally speaking ,the truth is vital. From, “No, I don’t really like that restaurant very much but I’ll join you “ to “ I just don’t think things are working out anymore”. Both begin to prevent someone misconstruing the situation although both may also require further explanation to satisfy the other party…. or it may not. For me, more detail is required. ;-) “I don’t like that restaurant because the chicken is often overdone and the food is terribly overpriced” or “ I saw a waitress spit into someone’s drink and have been pretty turned off ever since” or “ I had stomach issues after my last visit there”. None of these explanations may change the other parties mind, but at least then they know that there is a reason for the statement, and that makes the statement easier to understand and even accept.

For the other statement, things like, “ We’ve been arguing a great deal lately and I’m beginning to feel uncomfortable getting together” or “ I don’t feel we share enough common interests to make this work” or “ I have had some great times with you, but I don’t feel that special something that would make me want to work at this relationship for the long haul.” or “ I don’t feel intimately attracted to you” - these may do the trick.

Of course any one of those reasons may hurt the other person, but so could them not knowing. I can’t imagine being intimate with someone who was thinking “ I don’t feel intimately attracted to you” once, more or less several times, just because the person couldn’t say it. And if it did happen once and then someone fessed up... well chalk it up to a "learning experience" and hope it was good. Besides, if someone really feels that way, there’s the strong likelihood the experience itself would be fairly miserable for the other person as well.

The more negative the news, the more difficult it can be to share, especially if care any iota about the person. But to me, "that" is the news that can help answer the deadly, perpetual question, “Why?”

I don’t know if guys brood over this question like girls do, but girls do. “Why did he break up with me?” “Why does he like her?” “Why didn’t he call?” “Why did he say that?” Why didn’t he say this?” “Why doesn’t he like me?”

The girl most likely would not like the answer to many of these questions, or the answer could be quite innocuous, but the girl is asking. If negative, truth may bring unsettled or unpleasant feelings, but the question was answered. It’s not knowing that can drive people insane and it’s not knowing that drives people to educate themselves. In relationships, that can develop into tenuous situations.

What are people entitled to know and what aren’t they? I have no idea. Ok, that’s not entirely honest. I’m not going to tell a stranger that my personal relationship is moving to quickly and I’m not sure what to do, but I may tell a trusted co-worker. I also realize that’s just me. I think the depth or potential value of a relationship can be partly determined by either parties ability and willingness to share information with one another.

Sterile information holds no risk. “Weather is great. Today is Monday. Toshiba is a good brand.” But, “I’m getting a divorce”, or “I’m thinking of quitting my job," or "Things aren’t so great financially” these are a little more personal. More risk is involved. And then when you get to “He’s cheating on me”, “ I feel ________ “, “ I need ________” these are very personal and a high risk. These statements imply trust. I guess sometimes the outspoken may give this trust to an unwilling participant??

From the feminine perspective, to trust a person with non personal facts, aka small talk is inconsequential. To trust one with feelings and thereby part of themselves, this is crucial and necessary, but also scary. I don’t know whether guys thinks of feelings this way, but let me guarantee that it is so. For a recipient of such sentiment and to handle it in obtuse, obscure ways is the like for a person to key to a precious automobile or to take a 5 year developed program and change every third word of code to “butt” and delete the last years efforts, just for the hell of it. It's just as detrimental as being cruel, if not more so.... it's just the passive way of doing it. ( and I sadly know that I have done that myself) 

That, the value of sentiment, may be one of the differences between men and women, but the understanding has to be there, or at least a valiant attempt at it. This is what I feel is meant when they say “One should treasure the other”. And ladies, we must learn to appreciate the man's space and tools too :-) The "Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus" book does a nice job of discussing this.

Ok, as expected, I have left one topic and am not quite sure in what direction this next rambling is headed, so I will stop. Why? Because I feel I have belabored this topic enough today and, when I am ready to think on it again, want to at least have some feeling of purpose and direction of the topic……. Even if it all could just be kaka. ☺

Emerson had it right

As I just recessed from that last "thing" - we'll see if I actually finish it - I think about the dictum "Simplify, simplify, simplify". Why is that so "complicated, complicated,complicated"

As I stop to hear the news, they are talking about relationships and passion. Geesh.

Here's one "She/he's is just not that into you". Truth hurts... but thought hurts too :-).

I'm not angry ( at least I don't think I am. I'm just.... seeking.... honesty maybe?)

When you break up with someone, don't go for nice. Go with things like, "Yeah, you're just too ugly for me" or "You look great. It's your personality that sucks" or "I was just with you for the sex. I've got something better now, so thanks, but see ya" I'm not angry here I swear... just thinking of ways to make the end of relationships easier.

I remember a time in college that this guy liked me but I didn't return the same feelings. He bucked up and said something (I really admire him for that) I told him that I really did like him, but not in a romantic sort of way. I could see he was hurt, but all was good in the end. And we were good.... at least I thought so. I remember a situation in college going the other way too. I told him I was interested and the fellow just shut down and it took like 3 months to get back to a semblance of normalcy. I spoke to his friends more than I spoke to him. But it worked. I had no interest in him about a week later. I was over it and he was wierd. In the end of that, I was more amused than distressed.

Why do we make it so hard?? Just say how you feel !!!!

Beginnings are often kinda fun. Ends stink.

Relationships - part x

(NOTE: How do you indent in html???????)

My head hurts so much from thinking about this topic lately, that I almost (mind I say almost) can't wait for school to begin again to distract me from it. ( Although what is school, but one big arena of varying relationships).

I'm not sure what I'm going to write, or in what order, but perhaps writing will do one of the following:

a) help organize my own thoughts
b) ask others to sound out in contrasting thought or in in agreement.
c) let me see what I thought in 2008/beginning 2009 when it is 2020 (and I am 44 - ugh)

These 'buzz' words keep dancing in my head: change, acceptance, compromise, desires/wants, needs, truth, convenience, fear, availability, closure, responsibility, honesty,why. There may be more, so I'll alter as needed.

Some folks believe that such discussions and feelings about such things should be kept close to the vest. Well, for me personally, I might as well be a flasher when it comes to this, so if it gets too much, cover your eyes and close the window.

As I begin this entry, I see that it is going to be an extensive project, so as I have other things to do today ( and the rest of my life) I'll try to get the outline done. Feel free to interject to this, even in it's creation stage. And it's rough, I assure you.....

I) Acceptance

A) The need to be accepted or loved - universal or individual?
B) Personal - self

1) innate traits
2) self expectation
3) social expectation
4) experience molded thought
5) external rules and guidelines
a) family
b) culture
c) religion
6) Conditional vs unconditional

C) Social - others

1) personal expectation of others
2) social schemas - I'm not sure what to do here yet - organized factions - religious, popular, geek/nerd, goth/dark/people in black, pretentious, or types within recluse/sterile, socialite, workaholic, social climber
3) Conditional vs unconditional

II) Change

A) Inevitable vs controlled
B) Progressive or retrograde motion
C) Self expection vs social expectation of causation
D) Needed or wanted vs forced
1)Control/forced vs compromise

E) Coping with
1) confrontation
2) escape-avoidance-denial
3) transference - displacement - projection
4) Overintellectualization - Hmmmmmmm.( dealing with problems as interesting events that can be explained rationally and that have no anxiety or emotional content attached to them)

III) Relationships

A) Personal

1) Family
2) Friendship
3) Significant other

B) Social

1) Acquaintance
2) Co worker
3) Societal roles

Ok. Done for now - needs more thought. This is my analytical side as you can see. I can feel an emotional response brewing which may come later.

The worlds of endless thought

Ok, Maybe not the most appropriate title for this entry but the best I could do at the moment.

I feel like I have so much to express, but am not happy with the incompleteness of the ideas or maybe just their potential fallibility. Dunno.

Part of this I feel goes back to my partial remembrance of a discussion had concerning relationships and sacrifice. I sometimes think so much in this arena, I fear that someday I may never want to explore a "deep" co-ed relationship because I burnt all my energy analyzing the simple institution. Other times, I simply conceed that maybe I'm too busy to worry with it anyway. And then, there are the times I realize how much I really want one. Insatiable, another personal issue to handle at some point, or find a person accepting of such a trait.... although at times even I find it hard to be.

I want to go back to that discussion with a more rational mind and listen more than talk - regardless of how much I agree or disagree at the time. I really want to hear a/the male perspective on such things as I live with a woman's one.

Although, I myself am not a huge fan of confrontation, I like when people aren't afraid to defend their own thoughts in a polite, but direct fashion. And I appreciate when others are able to translate. Again, why I wish I remembered this conversation better. Damn it :-(

But, after spending some time with my sister, we have discussed a few things, one being the idea of sacrifice in a relationship. I think we agree so much because we come from the same environment. We also explored the meaning of "You can't go home again". To this we concluded ( abbreviated version) that of course you can go home, but home will never look exactly the way it does in your memory. Sometimes, that's not such a bad thing... other times, it's simply a pisser.

Another idea, while watching "Sound of Music" ( boy, was Christopher Plummer a good looking man!!!!)is one I'll take with me. The character Maria says "I'm sorry. I'm far too outspoken. It's one of my worst faults" True that sista !!! I need to make that into a t-shirt :-)

Ok, that's what I have so far.

Too much to figure out in a day, maybe even in a lifetime. I guess this is why we have TV, blogs, and after Christmas sales at Eddie Bauer. Damn you Eddie, but I love the jeans ;-) !!!!!

What a week !!!

This past week had been a ride of a lifetime. In fact, I am thinking this year may qualify for the same title.

But, for this week, I closed on a home ( I am very happy about this) I bought my leased car,and talked to more financiers, title companies, car people, banks, etc, etc, etc. than ever in my 32 years prior. It was exhausting for sure, but here's hoping it was all worth it.

So the next 2 weeks hold and expedited moving process while finishing my last work week in Dec. Some of my students and their families have even offered to help, which is so moving itself. Also, I must finish all the Christmas shopping and pack for my little trip back east. Another survival week.

Lessons learned - the Wal-mart near us takes good pictures, but the stress wasn't worth it. Going back to that expensive place in the mall next year. Wal-mart - the photo meatmarket.

When an older child believes in Santa, things can get expensive. On BF, he an I went looking for a flat screen TV ( hey, it looks better in the condo ;-) ) Anyway, everyone was sold out of the one listed for the $$ I wanted to pay. Disappointed, Christian goes, "Mommy, just ask Santa for one. If you really want it, he'll bring it" Uh-oh. So, my online search began. I found one for the price I wanted after some very diligent looking. The plan was for this to be delivered to the apartment office and I would pick it up on a day he was with his dad and take and hide it in the condo. Well, they delivered it one evening when we both were here. Ugh !!!! So I told Christian he smelled and that he needed to go to the bathroom ( there's some psych treatment I'll be paying for later) When he was in the bathroom, I speedily pushed the TV box through the hall and badly covered it with blankets and stuff to conceal it. When little C asked me who was at the door, I said it was a newspaper salesman. ( great, another lie for the magic of Santa). But.. so far so good. The plan, my sister and friends will set up the TV while Christian and I are in MD and then the TV will be on the mantle with a bow on it from Santa when we return. I just couldn't break the news this year. Not with everything going on in our lives. Besides, isn't that his peers job? :-)

I'm actually happy he still believes in Santa. It really does keep a part of the childish wonder of Christmas alive.

Now, I'l just try to get through this week................ and keep the TV hidden. ;-)

Tis the season to be ill

Sing this to jingle bells - beginning w/ the strain dashing through the snow

Dashing for the john
In a real swift running way,
For the puke will dawn
Has come 3 times today

Losing fliud fast
Don't want to eat at all
I'm just really hoping now
I don't puke in the hall

Oh

It's the flu, it'd the flu
It's really full of strife
I hope I feel much better soon
For this is ruining my life.

Blaugh!!!

Gotta go.... really.

Abbreviated Update

Haven't been here in a while,so here's what happening in this neck of the woods:

School - Crazy fall bad season. A total of 5 performances ( with four different programs) in 4 months ( this is for high schoolers mind you). And the grand debate of "march or not to march". I'm not sure who I was trying to kill, the kids or me.

Musical - Yup, did that too, but my role in that was much less this year than in past years. Easier show, lighter rehearsal schedule. We performed "The Music Man" . During the run, there was conflict with the kids, conflict with the new theater director, conflict with the accompanists - good thing was not much if any of this drama involved me personally - I just was the vent lady. I guess that's why they call in "drama"

Playing - Still doing the chamber orchestra 2 concerts this fall ( love that group) and the Pueblo symphony.... although for the fall season I was able to make 1 of the 4 concerts due to school and other conflicts. Hmmm. I'm hoping I still have that gig in the spring.

Divorce - Fine'. All went well.... relatively. The first time round we agreed to do it ourselves ( the legal part). Didn't go so good. So, he hired a mediator for the 2 of us which was actually a lawyer for him. It's a bad sign when the judge says, "Are you _sure_ you want to proceed without your own legal counsel?" So, I'm certainly not going to write a book entitiled, "Take him for all he's worth" but I also won't be writing one called "+15000 in settlement, -20000 in legal fees" The short of it, I got screwed a little. But, he's dating now - a woman with 2 kids of her own. They met via eHarmony. I'm just hoping he put there what he told me- "Question - Expectations for a spousal relationship. Answer - A hot meal on the table and sex 2x a week." Maybe she likes that description. Anyway, in the depths of my mind, I hope they marry and then she divorces him and takes him for all he's worth. Then, I'd just live vicariously. Yeah, I'm a little bitter, but this too shall pass.

Home ownership - Well, it's looks as if I might be a homeowner soon. It's been a tap dance for MANY reasons, but it may finally be drawing to a close. I'll know in a week. 3 bedroom condo w/garage - all appliances ( save microwave) closing costs and lease buyout. I'm not getting a steal, but I think if i'm going to jump in, now's the time. Besides with kiddo being settled and all that who-ha with his dad, I figure I'm going to be here for a while anyway.

Christmas - Again, after some MAJOR tap dancing ( my feet are really tired) I was able to get back to MD w/little C for under $500. This means, I get to be in MD for a few days, which is good as I really need a little time away from the insanity here. It's only 5 days, but I think that's the perfect amount... not too short, but not too long either.

Little C - He's kicking butt in third grade. He's a little know it all that does his homework at mock10 and then makes careless errors. He's got a best friend now and they are very good together. We have discovered what forgery is and learned that it is bad. It's been a good school year for his thus far and that is a VERY good thing :-)

There you have it. With all these things going on there hasn't been much time or energy for ruminating on the greater things in life. It's mere survival mode for now, and that's ok, just tiring.

If not before, I'll check in around February :-)

Happy Holidays everyone!!!!!!

Sour notes

So tonight I say, " You've worked your......... fanny's off. It's now time to show it."

Ughh. May assistant clarifies, "Show your work, not your fannies"

Not any better.

It was a long night..........

Robbed

Well, I knew it happened. I just didn't think it'd happen here to me.

Yesterday we found out that my bike, my five year old kinda expensive bicycle had been stolen. Now, a night and police report later, we'll see what happens next.

What will cost more? replacing the bike OR filing the insurance claim and watching the renter insurance go up?? Hmmm.

Damn this war.

Misconstrued

Hey fellow bloggers,

Ever wonder who reads your words on these things? Do you ever wonder that someone reading them may totally misconstrue what you have said or make incorrect assumptions? I am guessing these are the times you choose words carefully, content vs context.

Just wondering.

I am Sam

A parent's love summed up in a movie. I have never cried so much.

Modified quote

"It's not what we do that defines us. It is how we get up after we have fallen that truly shows who we are" - from movie "Maid in Manhattan"

Behavior Modification

What do you think? It is said that if you want someone to act differently to or with you, you have to enact change on your end first. Well, have you ever felt that you try to act differently yet around someone you know, yet their persistent behavior facilitates you returning to the prior behavior?

My thought here - the beauty in moving away from somewhere you are known is that you have a clean slate. Have you ever felt that after you have been classified or pigeon-holed that you can't change the way people act around you?

Not a current problem, just a thought. A convoluted, ambiguous thought :-)

Themes

Last night, As I got ready for bed, I realized that I did not have my cell phone. this normally would be a status that would drive me to stress, as the phone is also my alarm, but as I didn't have any pressing appointment to wake up for, I just figured that I 'sort of' remember where it might be, it's not in any danger, and I'll get it at my convenience. Not only that but, some of the information it contains which I once thought was very important to me is not as viable as it once was and, as far as I know, it might no longer be accurate.As for the rest, I can reacquire it if I deem necessary.

In fact, not having the cell phone has been both slightly distressing but also liberating. I think I know where it is, so I can get it when I want it. The beauty is that it doesn't have a say when I decide that I do need it. All it can do is decide to no longer work.

I think that is a theme. Sometimes when you loose something it can be kind of liberating. You explore life without it and feel that you can do it, it's not as bad as you might have thought, and maybe, if you have to or want to, you can replace it with something better. Alas, if you've lived with something for a period of time, you become comfortable with the knowledge that it's there, comfortable with the benefits and inconveniences that it brings with it, and when it's gone, you feel the absence of it.

I guess that's the challenge. When is life better? With or without it?

Note: I still haven't retrieved the cell phone. But I have purchased several pairs of shoes :-)

State of affairs

It might be considered a sad state of affairs when the stove clock pings 10:40 and you think it might have been a bad idea to watch a movie and stay up an hour past your bedtime.

Maybe not sad, but definitely different.

This from the girl in CO who prides herself on being raised "east coast". I guess I'm just all about different states. ;-)

Enough said. I am dead. Time for bed.