And it keeps going and going

Let me preface this by thanking all those places with Wi-Fi. Thank you for feeding the addiction....

As the diarrhea of thought pours out and onto this blog, I get a chance to read and hear what others may hear from me. Hmmmmm…. Interesting.

Ok, so the last entry. I can clearly understand how in a discussion someone may think that I am bitter. I swear I am not. Trying to figure something out, yes perhaps, but not bitter. The element that was missing from the entry was simple, yet obviously easily overlooked – tact. I am a firm believer that not only what you say but the manner in which you say it means a lot. I’ll digress to that specific soapbox latter.

But back to the whole “truth” idea. I think it is beneficial philosophy, although at the moment, yes, also a little self serving. Good truth is always easy to speak – I love this coffee, your house is beautiful, you look great, etc. There’s no harm in saying such things and sharing good news many times can feel good to the deliverer as well as the delivereree.

In areas of conflict or dissent, this isn’t the case, is it? It can be hard to say “You aren’t performing at the expected level” or “You don’t smell so good” or “ I don’t like you”. For some people, such talk comes far too easy, as if they don’t care at all how the receiving party may react. Granted, this may not always be a bad thing, but can’t be good for any relational dealing at the beginning. Only people who are aware of someone having such a trait and then being accepting of it can be in such a person’s close circles, I guess, but even they, I have to suspect, run the risk of getting hurt by such an inconsiderate brandishing tongue.

But, I think relationally speaking ,the truth is vital. From, “No, I don’t really like that restaurant very much but I’ll join you “ to “ I just don’t think things are working out anymore”. Both begin to prevent someone misconstruing the situation although both may also require further explanation to satisfy the other party…. or it may not. For me, more detail is required. ;-) “I don’t like that restaurant because the chicken is often overdone and the food is terribly overpriced” or “ I saw a waitress spit into someone’s drink and have been pretty turned off ever since” or “ I had stomach issues after my last visit there”. None of these explanations may change the other parties mind, but at least then they know that there is a reason for the statement, and that makes the statement easier to understand and even accept.

For the other statement, things like, “ We’ve been arguing a great deal lately and I’m beginning to feel uncomfortable getting together” or “ I don’t feel we share enough common interests to make this work” or “ I have had some great times with you, but I don’t feel that special something that would make me want to work at this relationship for the long haul.” or “ I don’t feel intimately attracted to you” - these may do the trick.

Of course any one of those reasons may hurt the other person, but so could them not knowing. I can’t imagine being intimate with someone who was thinking “ I don’t feel intimately attracted to you” once, more or less several times, just because the person couldn’t say it. And if it did happen once and then someone fessed up... well chalk it up to a "learning experience" and hope it was good. Besides, if someone really feels that way, there’s the strong likelihood the experience itself would be fairly miserable for the other person as well.

The more negative the news, the more difficult it can be to share, especially if care any iota about the person. But to me, "that" is the news that can help answer the deadly, perpetual question, “Why?”

I don’t know if guys brood over this question like girls do, but girls do. “Why did he break up with me?” “Why does he like her?” “Why didn’t he call?” “Why did he say that?” Why didn’t he say this?” “Why doesn’t he like me?”

The girl most likely would not like the answer to many of these questions, or the answer could be quite innocuous, but the girl is asking. If negative, truth may bring unsettled or unpleasant feelings, but the question was answered. It’s not knowing that can drive people insane and it’s not knowing that drives people to educate themselves. In relationships, that can develop into tenuous situations.

What are people entitled to know and what aren’t they? I have no idea. Ok, that’s not entirely honest. I’m not going to tell a stranger that my personal relationship is moving to quickly and I’m not sure what to do, but I may tell a trusted co-worker. I also realize that’s just me. I think the depth or potential value of a relationship can be partly determined by either parties ability and willingness to share information with one another.

Sterile information holds no risk. “Weather is great. Today is Monday. Toshiba is a good brand.” But, “I’m getting a divorce”, or “I’m thinking of quitting my job," or "Things aren’t so great financially” these are a little more personal. More risk is involved. And then when you get to “He’s cheating on me”, “ I feel ________ “, “ I need ________” these are very personal and a high risk. These statements imply trust. I guess sometimes the outspoken may give this trust to an unwilling participant??

From the feminine perspective, to trust a person with non personal facts, aka small talk is inconsequential. To trust one with feelings and thereby part of themselves, this is crucial and necessary, but also scary. I don’t know whether guys thinks of feelings this way, but let me guarantee that it is so. For a recipient of such sentiment and to handle it in obtuse, obscure ways is the like for a person to key to a precious automobile or to take a 5 year developed program and change every third word of code to “butt” and delete the last years efforts, just for the hell of it. It's just as detrimental as being cruel, if not more so.... it's just the passive way of doing it. ( and I sadly know that I have done that myself) 

That, the value of sentiment, may be one of the differences between men and women, but the understanding has to be there, or at least a valiant attempt at it. This is what I feel is meant when they say “One should treasure the other”. And ladies, we must learn to appreciate the man's space and tools too :-) The "Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus" book does a nice job of discussing this.

Ok, as expected, I have left one topic and am not quite sure in what direction this next rambling is headed, so I will stop. Why? Because I feel I have belabored this topic enough today and, when I am ready to think on it again, want to at least have some feeling of purpose and direction of the topic……. Even if it all could just be kaka. ☺