Let me start by acknowledging that when I started experimenting with the whole "blog" thing, I stated that I wasn't going to talk about things of a personal nature. Let me also acknowledge that that particular sentiment has been shot to hell, and I'm ok with that :-)
Today I ate dinner with my adopted family - a family here that has kind of associated with me/ allowed me to assimilate as one of their family, and I so appreciate them. They are my friends, but they are family too. I have had several adopted families in my time - a few in high school mainly. These were families that made me feel like the parents cared as much for me as they did their own kids and I felt like one of the kids among the kids too. It's just nice to feel cared for and that you have family, away from family.
In my adopted family, the phrase "mental health" is heard often. I never discussed such a thing in my own family, but the mom especially talks about it and shared with me that she is mindful of it in herself, her children and her friends. And there has been a lot of trauma around here to allow a need to be observant. I often wonder at the "state" of other people but rarely focused on my own. I wonder how many people think about this. I wonder even more how many talk about it.
I love my family ( meaning my parents) dearly, but will also say that they weren't perfect. My sister and I often joke about the dysfunctionality of my family, but I can honestly say that away from the connotation of the word and the literal "not functional", I didn't know what dysfunctional meant. So, I looked it up. In my seven minute Google search I came across a couple interesting things: (these are all from various sites - I am hoping I am not violating copyright by copying excerpts)
Types of Dysfunctional Families
Dr. Janet Kizziar characterizes four types of "troubled family systems", which are "breeding grounds for codependency:" 5
(1) The Alcoholic or Chemically Dependent Family System
(2) The Emotionally or Psychologically Disturbed Family System
(3) The Physically or Sexually Abusing Family System
(4) The Religious Fundamentalist or Rigidly Dogmatic Family System
Rules that encourage the unnatural patterns of relating in codependent family systems include:
• Don't talk about problems
• Don't express feelings openly or honestly
• Communicate indirectly, through acting out or sulking, or via another family member
• Have unrealistic expectations about what the Dependent will do for you
• Don't be selfish, think of the other person first
• Don't take your parents as an example, "do as I say, not as I do"
• Don't have fun
• Don't rock the boat, keep the status quo
• Don't talk about sex
• Don't challenge your parent's religious beliefs or these family rules
**There are four basic roles that children adopt in order to survive growing up in emotionally dishonest, shame-based, dysfunctional family systems. Some children maintain one role into adulthood while others switch from one role to another as the family dynamic changes (i.e. when the oldest leaves home, etc.) An only child may play all of the roles at one time or another.
"Responsible Child" - "Family Hero"
This is the child who is "9 going on 40." This child takes over the parent role at a very young age, becoming very responsible and self-sufficient. They give the family self-worth because they look good on the outside. They are the good students, the sports stars, the prom queens. The parents look to this child to prove that they are good parents and good people.
As an adult the Family Hero is rigid, controlling, and extremely judgmental (although perhaps very subtle about it) - of others and secretly of themselves. They achieve "success" on the outside and get lots of positive attention but are cut off from their inner emotional life, from their True Self. They are compulsive and driven as adults because deep inside they feel inadequate and insecure.
The family hero, because of their "success" in conforming to dysfunctional cultural definitions of what constitutes doing life "right", is often the child in the family who as an adult has the hardest time even admitting that there is anything within themselves that needs to be healed.
"Acting out child" - "Scapegoat"
This is the child that the family feels ashamed of - and the most emotionally honest child in the family. He/she acts out the tension and anger the family ignores. This child provides distraction from the real issues in the family. The scapegoat usually has trouble in school because they get attention the only way they know how - which is negatively. They often become pregnant or addicted as teenagers.
These children are usually the most sensitive and caring which is why they feel such tremendous hurt. They are romantics who become very cynical and distrustful. They have a lot of self-hatred and can be very self-destructive. This often results in this child becoming the first person in the family to get into some kind of recovery.
"Placater" - "Mascot" - "Caretaker"
This child takes responsibility for the emotional well-being of the family. They become the families 'social director' and/or clown, diverting the family's attention from the pain and anger.
This child becomes an adult who is valued for their kind heart, generosity, and ability to listen to others. Their whole self-definition is centered on others and they don't know how to get their own needs met. They become adults who cannot receive love, only give it. They often have case loads rather than friendships - and get involved in abusive relationships in an attempt to "save" the other person. They go into the helping professions and become nurses, and social workers, and therapists. They have very low self-worth and feel a lot of guilt that they work very hard to overcome by being really "nice" (i.e. people pleasing, classically codependent) people.
"Adjuster" - "Lost Child"
This child escapes by attempting to be invisible. They daydream, fantasize, read a lot of books or watch a lot of TV. They deal with reality by withdrawing from it. They deny that they have any feelings and "don't bother getting upset."
These children grow up to be adults who find themselves unable to feel and suffer very low self-esteem. They are terrified of intimacy and often have relationship phobia. They are very withdrawn and shy and become socially isolated because that is the only way they know to be safe from being hurt. A lot of actors and writers are 'lost children' who have found a way to express emotions while hiding behind their characters.
It is important to note that we adapt the roles that are best suited to our personalities.
There's a lot more information, but this was enough to get chewing on. No parent is perfect, and I think that becomes more evident when you become one. It's easy to criticize your folks when you aren't a parent, but you reserve a little more judgement when you are one.
Anyway, it took me this long to identify what some of the things are that I didn't like about my upbringing and after reading this stuff, I have a little more information about why I have some of the flaws that I do. I think everyone has a piece of these in some way, the difference being whether they are aware if it or not and/ or if they are doing anything about it.
Just food for thought. At the moment, I am stuffed.
No comments:
Post a Comment