As I continue this thinking on realtionship trail, I find myself getting frustrated. Shocker. Anything that takes me more than 1 day to figure out, I get a little frustrated with and, lets face it, people have been attempting to figure relationships out for centuries. I don't think we have come much further than where we started. I also don't see it realistic that I come up with any conclsive decisions within 48hrs.
I have come to this one decision before, and I find myself arriving at it again. In order to have any sort of relationship with a person you need to accept who you are and who they are. That sounds so elementary, but it can be harder than it sounds.
Let me take my friend over on the Eastern shore as an example. This person had fought and is fighting personal struggles that I can't even imagine, but I can't be there to help. Even if I were there, I can't help all that much becuase many of these struggles are internal. But I love that person and would do anything for them. They know that I am not made of $$ any can't fly out to be with them but we see each other when we can. They know that I am notorious for reading email and not always responding if I think my response needs to be more than a brief reply that I can write in a minute. They could get mad at me for that,but instead, they understand it and joke about it, and if it's something they really want a reply on they ask again and say so. They accept my faults. And I accept theirs. And they send me a ton of forwarded jokes :-)
One of my friends locally is a control freak and hates to be wrong. There are times I call them on it and there are times I let it go. But I know this trait and I accept that it is a part of them. But I also know that this person is one of the most reflective, insightful, thoughtful and caring people I have ever met. And they think that I am a very passionate, fun, and youthful person. ( I hope that's good) The relationship is worth the work of gettting frustrated on occassion and biting my tongue. It's also nice that it can withstand an arguement when there needs to be one. I make them laugh and they help me tow the line.. and sometimes find it when I seem to have lost it.
As for another friend here, sure they never call or initiate an invite. Why? I don't know and I don't think they'd say. But, while a part of me says that's a little insulting, another part recognizes that maybe that trait is just them and I need to accept that. If I want to spend time with them, I'll ask and that's where it ends. It may be more work from time to time, but at least it is consistent. And I decide whether I want to expend the effort. I sometimes get very helpful information on matters on which I know little and challenged on ideas/values/perspectives I never previously questioned. I have no idea what they get.
My point is I guess we need to make conscious decisions based on "what's there" versus what we'd like to be there. To close with the jeans anaolgy - you need to like how you feel in them. If you are a size 8 and you love your size 6 jeans, you'll accept the fact that they are tight around the waste and may not be the perfect length, but you love the way they feel and the way they flatter your caboose, therefore the trade is worth it. Or, you say, my size 6's are for certain occassions, and you have size 8's and 10's also in your closet. Not all fit perfectly, but each has a reason you like them and you tolerate ( or accept) what you don't. I guess everyone hopes to find the "perfect pair", but sometimes you have to live with what's available and what you can afford.
And, another complicating factor is that bodies change, for better and for worse.
Just because you used to adore those size 6's doesn't mean you will forever. Or perhaps the reasons you contnue to liek them may change. Maybe you'll become bigger and they'll have a death hold on you, or maybe, where they were once tight, you loose weight over time, and now, they are just comfortable.
The thing that matters is, do you still like yourself when your in them?
I think _that_ will be my defining meaning of relationship. The ones you like yourself in, the ones that make you feel good about yourself or about anything, those are the ones you work for. The ones that make you a better person, a smarter person, a more caring person....those are the ones you try to keep for a lifetime.
The ones that consistently tear you down and make you hate the world, those are the ones you give to Goodwill.
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