Tonight I ate dinner with a coworker of mine and her husband. It was a first, but very fun. These are 2 older, highly educated people with ton of life experience.
Christian couldn't attend as he was at a sleepover, but wrote the mister a note apologizing for not being there. The mister then wrote him a raincheck for the hike he was going to take little C on. How cute.
Although altogether it really was a great time, there are 2 main things I left with:
#1 - People who love children and, more importantly your child/children, are people who win their way into your heart
#2 - The mister gave me a quote that I need to remember, "There's no glory in practice, but without practice, there is no glory"
What a great "band' quote, but we were talking about cooking a the time :-).
Great people, great evening.
Tuesday, October 09, 2007
Sunday, October 07, 2007
It's about acceptance
As I continue this thinking on realtionship trail, I find myself getting frustrated. Shocker. Anything that takes me more than 1 day to figure out, I get a little frustrated with and, lets face it, people have been attempting to figure relationships out for centuries. I don't think we have come much further than where we started. I also don't see it realistic that I come up with any conclsive decisions within 48hrs.
I have come to this one decision before, and I find myself arriving at it again. In order to have any sort of relationship with a person you need to accept who you are and who they are. That sounds so elementary, but it can be harder than it sounds.
Let me take my friend over on the Eastern shore as an example. This person had fought and is fighting personal struggles that I can't even imagine, but I can't be there to help. Even if I were there, I can't help all that much becuase many of these struggles are internal. But I love that person and would do anything for them. They know that I am not made of $$ any can't fly out to be with them but we see each other when we can. They know that I am notorious for reading email and not always responding if I think my response needs to be more than a brief reply that I can write in a minute. They could get mad at me for that,but instead, they understand it and joke about it, and if it's something they really want a reply on they ask again and say so. They accept my faults. And I accept theirs. And they send me a ton of forwarded jokes :-)
One of my friends locally is a control freak and hates to be wrong. There are times I call them on it and there are times I let it go. But I know this trait and I accept that it is a part of them. But I also know that this person is one of the most reflective, insightful, thoughtful and caring people I have ever met. And they think that I am a very passionate, fun, and youthful person. ( I hope that's good) The relationship is worth the work of gettting frustrated on occassion and biting my tongue. It's also nice that it can withstand an arguement when there needs to be one. I make them laugh and they help me tow the line.. and sometimes find it when I seem to have lost it.
As for another friend here, sure they never call or initiate an invite. Why? I don't know and I don't think they'd say. But, while a part of me says that's a little insulting, another part recognizes that maybe that trait is just them and I need to accept that. If I want to spend time with them, I'll ask and that's where it ends. It may be more work from time to time, but at least it is consistent. And I decide whether I want to expend the effort. I sometimes get very helpful information on matters on which I know little and challenged on ideas/values/perspectives I never previously questioned. I have no idea what they get.
My point is I guess we need to make conscious decisions based on "what's there" versus what we'd like to be there. To close with the jeans anaolgy - you need to like how you feel in them. If you are a size 8 and you love your size 6 jeans, you'll accept the fact that they are tight around the waste and may not be the perfect length, but you love the way they feel and the way they flatter your caboose, therefore the trade is worth it. Or, you say, my size 6's are for certain occassions, and you have size 8's and 10's also in your closet. Not all fit perfectly, but each has a reason you like them and you tolerate ( or accept) what you don't. I guess everyone hopes to find the "perfect pair", but sometimes you have to live with what's available and what you can afford.
And, another complicating factor is that bodies change, for better and for worse.
Just because you used to adore those size 6's doesn't mean you will forever. Or perhaps the reasons you contnue to liek them may change. Maybe you'll become bigger and they'll have a death hold on you, or maybe, where they were once tight, you loose weight over time, and now, they are just comfortable.
The thing that matters is, do you still like yourself when your in them?
I think _that_ will be my defining meaning of relationship. The ones you like yourself in, the ones that make you feel good about yourself or about anything, those are the ones you work for. The ones that make you a better person, a smarter person, a more caring person....those are the ones you try to keep for a lifetime.
The ones that consistently tear you down and make you hate the world, those are the ones you give to Goodwill.
I have come to this one decision before, and I find myself arriving at it again. In order to have any sort of relationship with a person you need to accept who you are and who they are. That sounds so elementary, but it can be harder than it sounds.
Let me take my friend over on the Eastern shore as an example. This person had fought and is fighting personal struggles that I can't even imagine, but I can't be there to help. Even if I were there, I can't help all that much becuase many of these struggles are internal. But I love that person and would do anything for them. They know that I am not made of $$ any can't fly out to be with them but we see each other when we can. They know that I am notorious for reading email and not always responding if I think my response needs to be more than a brief reply that I can write in a minute. They could get mad at me for that,but instead, they understand it and joke about it, and if it's something they really want a reply on they ask again and say so. They accept my faults. And I accept theirs. And they send me a ton of forwarded jokes :-)
One of my friends locally is a control freak and hates to be wrong. There are times I call them on it and there are times I let it go. But I know this trait and I accept that it is a part of them. But I also know that this person is one of the most reflective, insightful, thoughtful and caring people I have ever met. And they think that I am a very passionate, fun, and youthful person. ( I hope that's good) The relationship is worth the work of gettting frustrated on occassion and biting my tongue. It's also nice that it can withstand an arguement when there needs to be one. I make them laugh and they help me tow the line.. and sometimes find it when I seem to have lost it.
As for another friend here, sure they never call or initiate an invite. Why? I don't know and I don't think they'd say. But, while a part of me says that's a little insulting, another part recognizes that maybe that trait is just them and I need to accept that. If I want to spend time with them, I'll ask and that's where it ends. It may be more work from time to time, but at least it is consistent. And I decide whether I want to expend the effort. I sometimes get very helpful information on matters on which I know little and challenged on ideas/values/perspectives I never previously questioned. I have no idea what they get.
My point is I guess we need to make conscious decisions based on "what's there" versus what we'd like to be there. To close with the jeans anaolgy - you need to like how you feel in them. If you are a size 8 and you love your size 6 jeans, you'll accept the fact that they are tight around the waste and may not be the perfect length, but you love the way they feel and the way they flatter your caboose, therefore the trade is worth it. Or, you say, my size 6's are for certain occassions, and you have size 8's and 10's also in your closet. Not all fit perfectly, but each has a reason you like them and you tolerate ( or accept) what you don't. I guess everyone hopes to find the "perfect pair", but sometimes you have to live with what's available and what you can afford.
And, another complicating factor is that bodies change, for better and for worse.
Just because you used to adore those size 6's doesn't mean you will forever. Or perhaps the reasons you contnue to liek them may change. Maybe you'll become bigger and they'll have a death hold on you, or maybe, where they were once tight, you loose weight over time, and now, they are just comfortable.
The thing that matters is, do you still like yourself when your in them?
I think _that_ will be my defining meaning of relationship. The ones you like yourself in, the ones that make you feel good about yourself or about anything, those are the ones you work for. The ones that make you a better person, a smarter person, a more caring person....those are the ones you try to keep for a lifetime.
The ones that consistently tear you down and make you hate the world, those are the ones you give to Goodwill.
Saturday, October 06, 2007
What should it look like??
Due to events and discussions yesterday, and today, I was prompted to write the previous entry. No one person created the desire to do so. It was more a cumulative effect.
But after talking about the perfect fit and investment, I now wonder, what is it supposed to look like? What really works and what is a prescribed disaster for failure? Is relationship based more on attitude than it is on compatibility?
This may sound a little strange, but I learn about these things through observation. I see and hear about other's situations and then draw my own conclusions. This may not be the best method as I am drawing conclusions on experiences that aren't my own.
Let me here state that I feel there are many similarities between the friendship and the marriage concept. So, just because I discuss marriage a lot, doesn't mean that is my entire focus. But I do believe that successful marriage and friendship are two inseparable concepts.
I have seen married couples survive the 10-50 year anniversaries. I see things I like and things I don't. I definitely see the evolution of a superior party to a submissive one. It's funny that in most of the longer lasting relationships, many times the more dominate party is the female. All who have been willing to discuss this say it doesn't often start that way.
But what I want to know is, how did it get that way? Are they happy with that? Are they unhappy and don't talk about it?
What do you talk about and what don't you?
Conversely, I've seen the couples married for a period of time but resembling anything but a couple. This is not a model I care to replicate.
Are expectations created per relationship or are they predetermined, like a job application and the person who matches the criteria best wins the gig?
I have expectations, but am now wondering if they are unreasonable, unattainable, or simply impossible. Or perhaps, they are obtainable, but not instantaneously.
Here are a few:
I would want in any relationship for someone to do for me in proportion to how I do for them.... within their ability level.
(Even now, that sounds pretty self centered, but let me see if I can rationalize that statement to make it sound better.) I will do as I am able for my friend and would like to know the same might be relied upon. I don't like attending 10 performances of a friend because they asked that I be there for them not to attend 1 something that I'd either like support or company for. An "all take and no give" relationship is not one that I'm into.
I would like to feel, if not know, that the enjoyment of each other's company is reciprocal.
There are people I like to hang out with and there are people I don't. I just hope that the people I like spending time with my enjoy spending time with me. I think that is a sentiment that can be shared by almost everyone.
I would like for a friend to request to spend time with a friend.
This doesn't have to be directly proportional and it shouldn't, but effort on both ends I think is best. I feel badly as I have 2 friends/acquaintances in which the balance of this is severely skued. One which asks me to do things often to whom I have not returned the favor as often and one who has never initiated a get together, yet will entertain my suggestion.
For the one, I don't wish to be a burden to them as I know that scheduling can be very complicated. It has been brought to my attention that I have upset this friend by not requesting their company and that is upsetting to me as that is not/was never my intent.
As for the other, I feel a total burden. I feel this friend indulges my requests as a favor to me but leaves the impression the time offers no benefit to them. This must be why they never solicit. I cannot reconcile this feeling and on occasion it makes me a little bitter. Is that justified? I haven't decided.
And then there are those who ask me to join them and I perpetually find reason not to as I don't want to. I feel hypocritical saying that and speaking of friend/acquaintance #2. At least he/she shows up.
Mutually beneficial. It think that is a brief summary of what I am trying to get across here... maybe.
This is only a little bit but I am too tired to type anything else right now. And if I hate this post, I can always delete it ;-)
Is it really all about relationships???
"It is all about relationships" That is one of the mantras of our school. Its a motto that I believe strongly in also, or at least I did. 90% of my brain or soul agrees with that although now the 10% is getting rather adimate that that is not the case.
Sometimes, I feel like some relationships are like a size 6 jean when you are a size 8 body. You really like the jeans, but you have to decide if you like them enough to change for them and if you wish to do the work to get them. You also need to consider whether the jeans will relax over time and perhaps be more forgiving of your "not quite size 6" body.
Sometimes, I think that relationships are like a high risk investment. You dump energy, time, concern, and feeling into an account in the hopes of seeing a return on your investment. Perhaps you might see a return and perhaps that return might be of signifigant consequence OR you might never see any kickback and lose the hope, energy, and concern that you have invested.
As I teach 7th-12 graders, I see the impacts of some relationships. I've seen the gifts of caring parents, I've seen the trauma of neglectful parents, I see the great joy and heartache of the adolescent relationship, as well as the power of mentoring from trusted teachers and coaches. But living it is very different from watching it.
I firmly believe that all relationships (family, friendship, dating, marriage) are work. I am just becoming discouraged in my thirtysomething years that, sometimes it appears the number of relationships worth working for are hard to find and decreasing in number.
Continuing from the aforementioned analogies - How hard do you look for a pair of jeans that fit you the way you are?? How much should you be willing to change to make a pair of jeans that you do like fit you when it is apparent they don't ?
How much do you invest before deciding to cut your losses? How many different investments should you be willing to try before just cutting your losses, keeping to yourself and saving instead? Is it possible to go broke in either financial situation?
This can't be a good schema for the future.
Sometimes, I feel like some relationships are like a size 6 jean when you are a size 8 body. You really like the jeans, but you have to decide if you like them enough to change for them and if you wish to do the work to get them. You also need to consider whether the jeans will relax over time and perhaps be more forgiving of your "not quite size 6" body.
Sometimes, I think that relationships are like a high risk investment. You dump energy, time, concern, and feeling into an account in the hopes of seeing a return on your investment. Perhaps you might see a return and perhaps that return might be of signifigant consequence OR you might never see any kickback and lose the hope, energy, and concern that you have invested.
As I teach 7th-12 graders, I see the impacts of some relationships. I've seen the gifts of caring parents, I've seen the trauma of neglectful parents, I see the great joy and heartache of the adolescent relationship, as well as the power of mentoring from trusted teachers and coaches. But living it is very different from watching it.
I firmly believe that all relationships (family, friendship, dating, marriage) are work. I am just becoming discouraged in my thirtysomething years that, sometimes it appears the number of relationships worth working for are hard to find and decreasing in number.
Continuing from the aforementioned analogies - How hard do you look for a pair of jeans that fit you the way you are?? How much should you be willing to change to make a pair of jeans that you do like fit you when it is apparent they don't ?
How much do you invest before deciding to cut your losses? How many different investments should you be willing to try before just cutting your losses, keeping to yourself and saving instead? Is it possible to go broke in either financial situation?
This can't be a good schema for the future.
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