Too much .... too little

Today I have suffered another round of supposedly good intention with lack of mental follow through. I think this comes from over scheduling.

Christian's grandparents organized a birthday get together ( consisiting of pizza and cake) for him on Sunday, the time unbeknownst to me. I agreed to this dinner get together about 2 weeks ago. A student of mine has a performance that he purchased tickets for me and Christian to attend the same day. Not knowing the time of the performance and thinking it to be a birthday dinner, I thought having these two activities would be manageable. When the mom of this student delivered the tickets, the concert time on the tickets read 3pm. That might work if the dinner were at five. I came to find they had scheduled the "party" for 3 also. When asking Ken if he thought this could be a lunchtime get together instead, he called his parents and "told" them to make the party for 12. Not my preferred method of handling it, but I thought it would be best if he spoke to his mom. His dad calls today saying that the party can't begin until 1 because he is playing a church job until 11:30 and then asks me why I am taking the boy away from his party..... of all adults.

I didn't know the time of the party/ meal with cake - problem #1
I didn't know the time of the concert - problem #2
I should have handled it personally and not let Ken intercede - problem #3
I should have run the meal here so as not to be affected by others schedules that I have no way of knowing about - problem #4
I have no idea how to handle last minute changes when they affect others - problem #5

Thinking that a concert may not be all that fun for a little boy, I conceded on him not going. Watching TV around a bunch of talking adults probably would be more entertaining. I can't tell the solidness of other people's plans when they happen with so little communication, but yet I didn't think to mention the concert, although my student had asked more than a week ago. I didn't think a change of the time of this meal would be a big deal since it is pizza and cake with family, but I now know I didn't give enough consideration to it.

I am so confused because I try to be, at least I think I do, as accommodating as people ask. I will move a time or do extra somethings because someone else needs it or wants it. On Thursday, Ken got put on a job for Friday. He was previously scheduled to watch Christian and I had a rehearsal. His parents were unavailable. It had all been planned. Thursday at 4 he calls to tell me he can't due to this last minute assignment and says I have to call for a babysitter. Not that he was sorry for the inconvenience or would appreciate if I called. His mother then tells me I should skip the rehearsal to stay home. Angry and hurt that my inconvenience was not even taken into the slightest account, I ended up finding a great babysitter who could do this last minute. Part of me was real angry and the other part thinking, eh, it could happen to anyone.

After this event and the aggrevation part, I again reflected on an inconvenience imposed upon another earlier in the week. Damn Karma.

The more I am treated like this, it seems the more selfish I become, almost like self preservation. Intention over thoughtfulness. This is bad.

That, in addition to scheduling things for family, job, health, and for others, I sometimes forget to consider others or see how all planned activties line up I should have gotten the times for the concert and the get-together, but was too busy to step back and see how they fit together.

And when I do something totally self serving, it seems mistimed or misplaced and causes frustration over relief, both to myself and others.

This time, I wanted to support this student as he seemed to want me to and take my son to, oh, something that reflects what I and most of his immediate family do for a living and hope to teach him to enjoy or appreciate it in some sense. Selfish. And in turn, I throw the extended family into a tizzy because pizza and cake were to be eaten at 3 and, with this poorly planned decision, I seemingly am greatly negatively affecting others schedules.

What I think I am finding is an old teacher dictum - planning should take 90% of the task. Execution only takes about 10%. Fail to plan, plan to fail. But, when you are over scheduled, you lack the time to plan.

Being a more "fly by the seat of your pants" person by nature it kills me when the only things that seem pleasant are those that have been planned. That, and I hate the fact that I seem to do the exact same things I hate when others do.

As for earlier in the week, I was looking to share some time and space in a friendly environment, not necessarily conversation and certainly not conflict. I didn't read the "bright" neon signs that the other party had neither the time nor will for either. It seemed it was my turn to be inconsiderate.

I guess this is just another life lesson.

Character in schools

Just an article to refer to for a little opinion:

Here is a link to an article in USA Today (Today 2/20): http://blogs.usatoday.com/oped/2007/02/post_48.html

3:00 am

Today was a good day. Correction: "yesterday" was a good day, for the most part. There was one episode that I could have lived without, but I think that is a feeling shared amongst all parties. So, what's the trouble?

I can't sleep right now.

Dreams. If my memory of psychology serves me, dreams are the minds way of categorizing a days events and placing them where they need to go in the mind or the time when the mind attempts to solve unresolved conflict to put it away as well. I headed to bed at 10:00 knowing I have an early morning as I do every Tuesday. So then, WHY must the brain decide to address this aforementioned episode at 3am not letting me sleep? My brain flashes back to various moments of this past event and other such times and right now, it seems it won't let me shelve it.

Come on, I do not have time for this. For the last 20 minutes, I have been flashing through this unpleasant part of yesterday to the point where I am occasionally speaking aloud trying to get my brain to drop it. Between my brain and my mouth, I say things like:

there's nothing you can do about it now; what was I supposed to do; why did I not do "that"; what should I have done; was "blank" wrong; who cares, it's 3am anyway; there's nothing you should so about it now or later; did I offend; do I make amends; what are you not getting here; you've tried to do and been very wrong in doing so; if there were something you should do, you don't know what it is and nobody wants you to do it anyway, so let it drop; it'll work itself out; forget it.

A great conversation..... really. (note venomous sarcasm)

My rational explanation I am trying to get my mind to accept is, wherever this conflict lies, there will be no solution drawn tonight, or maybe even for quite some time, so let it go. Why then does it seem my conscious ( or subconscious) mind does not believe me?

Sorry for not explicitly sharing the conflict, but that is not the point of this entry. The fact that my dreams, subconscious mind organization, whatever you call it, is working overtime at a time I'd rather it didn't is the point. I'm going to disregard the rather seeming irony of this inconvenience to the episode itself, unless my subconscious wants to explain _it's_ intentions. Payback's a bitch, especially when it is done by your own self.

So, there is this attempt to put something of this seemingly troubling situation down into visible words so that maybe this act itself will put my mind at some sort of peace, or at least in a bit of a stupor to let me get back to sleep. I can now tell myself I'll reflect on it later when I have more time. Hopefully it worked, because there's not enough time left for a sleep aid.

At least Monday was a good day.... for the most part.

Great Date

Tonight I can truly say I had a great date.

It began when I brainstormed of things to do. I had decided that I needed to go to my new apartment complex to finish some details, then I wanted to go out to dinner and a movie. I asked this one fella if he'd like to join me and he said yes. It really was not that surprizing as he also likes to go out.

So, surprizingly enough he indulged me through the apartment part, playing at the pool table in the clubhouse. When I finished my business, he challenged me to a game of shuffleboard. Since neither of us knew how to play, this proved amusing yet slightly fruitless. Needless to say, it was a tie. Then, as we stopped at the strip mall where the restaurant was located, he indulged me once again as I went into a little furniture store looking for some miscellaneous funiture. Guy in a furniture store?.... this is special. At dinner, he kindly picked out a table and allowed me to be served first. And then, after dinner, we headed to the movies where we shared a popcorn and soda, he carried the popcorn and me the soda.

It was a low pressure fun night with lots of smiles and laughs and I hope to be able to repeat it again very soon.

Yup, a great night.

Who is the special guy? Well, let me tell you he's a very smart guy with tons of personality. He's the kind of guy that doesn't take no for an answer easily.... sometimes to his deficit. His smile and laughter are contagious and, when he holds my hand all I can do is smile. And when he hugs you, he practically squeezes you to death.

The bad side.....he doesn't pay for anything.

It's ok though....because he's only 6 and I am his mom.

The restaurant - Chuck E Cheese. The movie - A Night at the Museum

A night out with my son. Best night of my week.

Goodbye Cutie

That was the name of our hamster - Cutie.

Christian named him last year. Or was it the year before? Anyway, he was our pet. Over the past week he had started to bloat, seemed to have stopped eating healthily, and had become very inactive. Also, Thursday night when he slept ( which is weird as hamsters are nocturnal), he seemed to have a little trouble breathing. All considering, I decided to take him to the vet. I think I believed they would tell me that he was old, or constipated and either give us medicine to help him recover or say that he had another month left. Thinking these things, I took Christian and the hamster to the vet, as no one else was around to watch either Christian or the hamster. I swear, I truly believed it to be an innocuous trip. Besides, he was a rodent.

We transported him in an old shoe box with bedding. He seemed to be comfortable.

We arrived at the vet's and surrendered the shoe box. After waiting about 45 minutes we were called in an exam room to speak with the doctor. She said we had the choice between two courses of action. The hamster had a nodule somewhere around his shoulder that she could feel. She could either extract some tissue and fluid from that and analyze it to see whether is was cancerous or not, or take an X-ray and see the status of his entire body. I chose the X-ray.

10 minutes later she brought back the film to show something that broke my heart. Cutie had several masses in his body. One of which was very large in the area of his heart and lungs. So large in fact it limited his breathing, explaining the labored breath and lethargy. These masses were essentially suffocating him. So, he had to be put down.

I never thought that it could hurt so bad to put a hamster down, but, again I was wrong. I thought I could detach a little bit and be strong for Christian. He was a hamster, not a pet dog that had lived with us for 12 years. Nope. I guess feelings hide themselves, or we hide them. Christian and I got to hold him for a few minutes in the doctors office before they took him away. He loved his hamster and I did too. I guess maybe it's still a little too raw to know exactly what we felt, but I knew both of us hurt. I knew my son was crying as he realized he would never see that hamster again. I had to share the experience of something dying and mourning with my son firsthand and all the feelings that go with that. He had to listen to the doctor and I explain that bringing the hamster home would be cruel and leaving him there to be given a medicine that puts him to sleep would be a good thing. I know he understood one word - die. I don't know whether it was a wise choice or not, but we didn't witness the process. I didn't think it appropriate for a 6 year old. We simply said our goodbyes.

While we were both crying, I told him that I was sorry for all this. He told me it's not my fault, but that he's going to miss Cutie. I said I would miss Cutie too and just held my boy for a little bit.

It's just hard when doing what seems to be the right thing seems to hurt everyone. At least Cutie's suffering stopped. If only we had known........

I guess, since even as I type this a few tears come and go, this may take a little while to move from. But, sometimes it is good to say goodbye.

Goodbye Cutie. We love you.