Let it go

I swear, I do more than fixate on this stuff. But, this is one of the things that eats at me a little.

Relationships between male and female - necessary or wishful thinking??

I went to dinner with a friend of mine on Friday and we got to talking about this. I was asked, "How was I doing?" since she said I seemed a little out of sorts after the holidays. Meh....

So, I tried to dodge the bullet, but she's a little too persistent. Sometimes talking about this stuff makes me feel totally self conscious that I sound utterly sappy,wishy-washy, delusional and illogical, or just sad and off my rocker. But at the same time, she reminded me that these are judgements, and she wasn't there to judge, but to listen. So I talked. I really love my friend.

I'll skip the finer points but I openly will disclose that we talked about feeling lonely. Her niece met her new husband and step daughter online, so she asked if I had tried it. I said I was hesitant. I don't want to look for a person to be with the way I shop for jeans or shoes and I may be greatly limiting myself this way.

My one friend is 'out there' doing the online dating thing and I get to occasionally hear the tales of these adventures, and I love hearing about them. But as I hear about them, the more I think, I can't do it.

She gave me the, what I'll call the party line, for male/ female relationships and marriages - you deserve to find someone who will respect and treasure you. I believe that, and I want to offer that, but I don't know that it's possible.

I want the romance. Again from Sex and the City, I want " all consuming, inconvenient love". It doesn't have to be instantaneous. I'm of the mind that it's better if it's not. It's a glance, a smile, a pleasant shudder at unintentional contact, a joke, a tickle fight, a kiss on the forehead, a hug that lasts a little too long, the desire to talk to one another constantly but obeying self control, the friendly email, the coffee someone brings just because they can, holding hands during a movie, smiling when you think of them..... etc. All this makes the other stuff, you know the "other stuff" better right? Or am I just super old fashioned here?

I don't think I can find this online, but maybe I am wrong. On the flip side, I am not sure I am patient enough to wait for it to happen by chance or fate. During high school and college, you are surrounded by people, able to watch them and for them to watch you. You can see who you might be interested in and have a chance to interact with them on any and all levels. You have friends explore and test the waters for you. Now, there is little variety in the trek from home to work to home. Most of the folks in my acquaintance are married or already deemed not that kind of material, so what now, change work locations? My previous experiences online were, "interesting" at best, but it was kind of clear what the guys were looking for - a bed partner in 1-3 dates. Yeah, that might be fun, but, not what I'm looking for...... not totally.

So on the same topic but different direction, she asked me why I seem to return to the same mental place in this one situation. I said, hope. It's familiar and I've lived with it so long, it's hard to imagine not having it. But, for this hope to reach any state of fruition also seems impossible, improbable, and highly unlikely - no, I don't mean to seem redundant.

So, she says she understands (which I am so happy about, since few who know do) but, she also said, "What do you think you need to do?" To which I shrug. I have done all I am comfortable or feel safe doing to no response or avail. She says, "That's your answer. Perhaps you need to let this go. It has too much control over you. There's no proof or reason to hold onto this hope, so keep the idea of what you want and seek it elsewhere" Ah, my wise friend. So easily said, but...

But, I wonder if it isn't time.

So, I'm not ready to man shop. Maybe I'll just hope and pray that someone will come into my life to be a friend, a playmate, and then in time, a male role model for my son, a bed mate and a life mate. She reminded me of something that I had forgotten - when you are married, you can still be lonely sometimes, but it is passing and often can be shared for relief. It is a sad state when you with someone and you are always lonely. ( Been there, done that, got the t-shirt)

Better to be lonely on your own than lonely with another.

But the good news is that I keep getting spammed by this thing called "Fuckbook". So, if I get really hard up, it's good to know I have options ;-) ( seriously???)

When it should be the easiest thing in the world to do, why is it so hard sometimes to just let go.