Fate

Here goes another "off the wall" entry, but I have to think through something and am trying various methods of doing so.

Have you ever had the feeling that a life event or situation has recurred for you ( either once or several times) and the outcome is never what you had wanted? It's like you take the ride once, you make choices a,b and c and it ends x. Then you take the ride again and try choices d,e and f and it still ends x. Does that equation equal fate? That whatever you do, whatever the circumstances, the equation always ends the same. Or does that simply mean there is a hidden factor, or perhaps simply another factor at work in each equation that makes them both come to the same end?

I did not excel at math so I don't know if there exists a viable mathematical correlation but I can say that I have seen this equation in real life and I don't like it. I don't like it because a) I don't like the answer b) I don't have the information I want to know how the answer happened c) no matter what I did, I had no control over the answer, yet the answer impacts me in some way.

Control. There's a whole 'nother bag of worms. When I was younger, even to say 8 years ago, I would not have even entertained the thought of labeling myself a control freak. Easy going, go with the flow would have been better. In the last few years, I see this increasing tendency to want control, or at least thorough understanding of things to the point of being dominering in some regards and downright nosy in others. I can explain how that has happened, but that doesn't mean I like it or really know how to navigate it. The "go with the flow" mentality works well when whatever force you do have your trust in pulls through for you or the outcomes are not ones that violate your trust in that force. A simplistic example is a person who leaves what they eat up to the preparer, but they are allergic to nuts. They are fine with whatever the preparer makes. But one time the preparer either accidentally or purposefully makes something with nuts threatening the well being of the eater. The eater can fire the cook and get a new one, or give the old one another chance,but the damage has been done. The eater may never eat as carefree as they did before because one time threatened their life. Or can they ??

This scenario holds true in my personal life as well as my professional one. Take chances and get burned. Yeah, I get that. But the more you get burned, the more scars you have, and the more scars you have, the less impetuous you are to entering situations that risk you getting burned. Or you more carefully monitor the degree in which you can get burned, in turn risking missing what you aren't investing in? Is that the way it works ?

Even if it is, to live life and take chances while regarding your own personal, psychological, and economic well being seems to me an almost impossible pendulum to balance. Let people in so that they can hurt, disappoint, ignore you or live in isolation and experience none of the friendship, love, and other benefits that people can offer. Do a job you love for little pay or do something you doesn't give you any personal satisfaction to reap the financial benefits? Seek something out or be determined to make it happen where you are. What is right?? What feels good? Well, what if at a given point in time no choice feels good? Or what if the situation doesn't feel good and you don't know your choices? Or don't like them?

I don't want to elaborate upon current situations. Let's stay in the hypotheticals, but I have been here before. I know history repeats itself but can't it wait a lifetime to do so?? Is there a force that tries to teach you lessons and therefore makes you repeat the problem until you get the right answer - the right one not necessarily being the one you wanted. And what if the lessons you have learned don't feel like the high road or some greater good knowledge, but rather like wounds that hadn't been stitched all that well before and are now ripped open again. I suppose the lessons may be a) stop putting yourself in situations that can reopen old wounds c) keep lots of tissues around and c) try to learn how to stitch better. If so, I better take some serious sewing classes.

If fate really is a+b+c = x and d+e+f = x, then fate sucks. Someone let me speak to fate's supervisor.