Change - the scary constant

So many things changing, so few brain cells to handle it with.

I thought moving out to Colorado was a big change for me, a big shift in direction, an open door to possibility. Currenlty, there are more big changes in the wind.

For me there is currently a scurry to buy a house. Whether it's a bad decision, good decision, or great decision I can't feel/tell and it's bugging the hell out of me. The market is good, maybe great, but the timing sucks. Me and timing. We are like .... ( can't think of a powerful analogy) we don't jive. That and although I KNOW I need to, settling down permanently has lost a little of its attraction. That and, I fear buying a house like getting married again. I REALLY don't want to get stuck with something that I don't adore. But, if you don't look, you may never find something you adore. And the longer you wait, you may wait yourself out of the possibility of getting something you do adore. Not enough down payment or too many wrinkles :-).

Today I checked out the eHarmony website. I am torn with intrigue and disgust. I never saw myself as needing to go online to meet someone, but I don't think I see myself anywhere specific right now. I wonder if I should have sucked up the bad things and tried to stay married or how long I can hold life together running single. I know I didn't see myself as a single mother because that itself, with all its joys, complicates other arenas significantly. That and I hope I don't get so desperate that I am willing to settle for something less than great due to desperation and fatigue. At this point I may be sold for the first guy that holds my hand without the immediate sign of a design to hold something else. :-) Almost like I may buy the house that I can afford that doesn't have holes in the wall, regardless of all it's other flaws.

The future is foggy at best. There are many feelings that I don't handle well and one of those is the feeling of being stuck. We'll see how all this goes. I don't want to get stuck in a house. I don't want to get stuck in an apartment. I don't want to get stuck in a relationship. I don't want to be stuck alone. Yet, at the moment, I am feeling a little.... stuck.

I need to take action on one or all of these things, but I think I'm going to hide in my work for a little bit. I seem to be needed there, I am fairly successful there, I am appreciated there, and although all plans don't come to fruition, I can psuedo-successfully plan there.

Leave things to chance or take a chance. Is it ever the "right" time or do you just do something and hope it was a good time to do so. And how do you say goodbye to a hope that something would be right??

There's a line that says that you can't hide from your problems, but you have to face them. What that saying fails to address is how do you prepare to face those problems, or do you just learn from the scrapes, scratches, and bruises you get as your problems beat the hell out of you. Is it that you err enough and use all the other bad choices before you try and find the right one?

There's a song lyric " Stand in the place where you live. Now face north, think about direction, wonder why you haven't before" What if you're thinking about it but your compass is spinning around like a merry-go-round? Close your eyes and walk or wait for the nausea to subside and go from there.

I don't know.