So, what does one do when they've knocked their sleep cycle out of order and have watched so much television, you believe life is a sitcom? For me, you think 20 thoughts simultaneously and wonder what to do with any one of them. In the idea that I might follow up on one, or heaven forbid, all of these, let me ramble what some of them were.
#1 - What are my goals? People ask this of themselves sometimes, right? I mean, you read it in self help articles all the time, but... what do people answer this question with? If someone were to ask me this right now, I'd probably respond with a profound "I dunno". I want to be a good person, whatever that is worth. I want to be a good mother, and a good role model, but I have to admit that I am not totally sure what that looks like all the time. I want to be a good teacher, but there are days that I am not even sure I want to teach anymore. I don't know whether that is because I don't think that I am doing it well, or because I have done it now and I am "over it". If I am over it, can I become into it again?? Can that happen with life in general.... or with people? I mean, is that way relationships and friendships wane? So people just get burnt out of other people ??
#2 - I'm looking for something, but can't lay my finger exactly on what. I am so jealous of people who seem to have a fire up their ass for things or causes that I personally couldn't care less for. But these people are so focused and driven. How did that happen? Do they get such pleasure and joy from what they are doing that all else on meaningless? Or are they avoiding things that maybe they can't handle so they consume themselves in things they can? I think I am in a little rut, and am not sure what action I am going to take to move from it. I have had lots of ideas, from fair and reasonable to, wow... who the hell are you and you'd never do that if it could be associated back to you. ( watching a little too much Sex in the City :-) ) How do you balance a desire for adventure with reality and responsibilty?
#3 How important is it to be in a relationship? I have no idea. There are times I am like, Yeeha -let's get that going, to the other times that I am like, Yeah..... no. I have my ideas, but maybe they are what's in the way. Besides, who has time to go looking for a relationship? And when you find one, how much time and energy do you commit to it? How do people really get to know people anyway. Anyone who thinks they no me and haven't hung out with me and little C doesn't know jack. And what do you do....wear a pin stating single mother of one, never home, loves music, slightly neurotic, loves to go out, will never be a size 8 and doesn't like Indian food ( mostly)? I mean really, let's save the trouble. Get all the cons out there and see of there are any takers. All women should put themselves out there with no makeup even. Then you at least see the real external picture. Makeup and push up bras are for the hope, not the reality.
Christian keeps asking when I am going to get remarried. Is that normal for an 8 year old. It's more a response I would have expected from an overly instrusive mother. My mother isn't very hands on in that catagory..... thank God.
My battery is about to die, so I'll publish this and see if I am moved to work further tomorrow. I'd make it a goal, but, let's face it, these ramblings are for me. If someone I didn't know could offer the answers to these things, then rock on. Otherwise, it's self assessment on the internet.
Why do I do this again????
2 comments:
For a graduate class I'm taking, we had to write 10-year strategic plans for the midterm. I'm not really crazy about such exercises, and I groaned when it was first assigned, but I'll reluctantly admit that parts of it were helpful in terms of organizing my thoughts on paper. I can relate a lot to your time #2--being jealous of people who are very driven. I still have that "I don't know what I want to be when I grow up" feeling a lot. But, what I got out of my 10-year plan is that ultimately what I want out of life revolves around family. I want to be a good father, a good husband, etc. I want to spend more time running around the yard with the kids than sitting in the office. And, since I guess that goes against the conventional work ethic, I feel like I've had to trick myself into thinking that THAT'S OKAY.
They teach you in school how to be successful in a career. And being successful in a career is usually pretty well defined. I can click on a button in my work email system and see that there are exactly 5 rungs up the ladder between me and the CEO. So in the past I've been pretty career oriented, looking at those rungs on the ladder and trying to figure out how to get to the next one. Now that I've reached a really comfortable point in my career and feel like I make plenty enough money to comfortably support my family, I'm realizing it's okay to dial down the career drive. If I work harder, it mean more time away from my family and for what? A few thousand buck more a year just isn't worth it. The competition to "be the best" isn't worth it now that I've defined what being the best mean to me, and it's being the best to my family, not the best in my career. I've turned the career thing around to the point where it's just a means to supporting my family. Granted, I (mostly) like what I do, and I still think that is very important. After all, I'll spend the vast majority of my waking hours doing work stuff, so it should be enjoyable. But, I don't want to kill myself doing it. So, in the past when I've had to make tough decisions at work, the little voice in my head would say "is this going to help me move up the career ladder?" and now the little voice says "is this the best decision I can make for my family?" Sometimes if I'm lucky the decision might mutually benefit both sides, but if it doesn't, I need to have the willpower to go the family route every time without fail. When I'm gone, I'd much rather have people say "he was such a great dad" vs. "he was such a great software nerd." :-)
I'm pretty sure if I scrolled up and reread what I just wrote it would be kind of rambling, but hopefully you see my point. Also felt like I should comment since I've tried to catch up on your blog. Ryan makes such a big deal about getting people to comment on his blog, so I hope you are giving him a sufficient hard time for not commenting more on yours!
Wow. thank you. I didn't even know people read this. Thanks for the note. It does make perfect sense. And yes, I'll bust Ryan's chops about his lack of comment.
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