Finally feeling human

So, it's been 3 months since my last post. Glad I don't get paid to write these.

It's the Satuday before Easter and the first day I have felt even a bit alive in the past....4 days. I have been what I consider overly tired for about the last month or so, but I figured that to be work and life related. Tuesday night, at a rehearsal, I began feeling achey, so I suspected I was about to get the flu. Wednesday I went to the doc and the flu test came back negative. He sent me home with an inhaler and steriods. I thought there might be a chance of a stort lived ick. Friday things still continued to stink so I went back and he told me I have pnemonia.

For the record this is my second bout with pnemonia this year. The last time, fittingly, was Christmas break. This time, Easter.

Felt a little bit the same... except for the achy part, so I knew I had to go back for the second doctor visit. These versions seem hard for them to diagnose because both times, I never ran a rediculous fever or ( not to be too gross) brought up colored crap. The story is that it's not bacterial, but viral. I guess that makes it not visible on a chest X-ray, but it's audible... with or without a stethescope sadly.

This time was rough, and I am hoping it to be over soon. Wednesday annihilated me and I woke in the morning crying. I felt worse than I had in a long time. That got even worse yet as my temporary break down made my son cry too. Way to add insult to injury.

Anyway, my friends from work were my life line. One brought me cough syrup and some vitamin packets and the other... well, she taught my classes :-).

I think one of the things I had time to sleep and think about was how much I miss being at my parents house when I am ill.... really ill, I mean. I remember when my mom would bring me hot or cold washcloths (case depending) and bring me food or water. I remember my dad bringing me a hot tea or popcicle. When I was married, my husband never did any of those things, but at least there was another body in the house in case something really bad happened. This is the first time I was really freaked out about being on my own.

I was like a lump for a long time. It hurt to breathe and so I didn't have energy to do anything. Forget laundry or cleaning the bathroom. Getting up to make a tea or toast was brutal. I slept or sat more than I care to admit. I know I was fine... that I am fine ( considering this is the first time I felt the desire to do anything but watch crappy movies) but it's scary to think how you are going to handle all the things that need to be handled. And handle them alone.

Can't say I've really had to to that. My sister agreed to pick up the little guys' Easter basket and goodies for me. I'll pay her of course. Nonetheless I'm really grateful she did that, so Christian wouldn't just get the crap that was closest to the entrance. I things got really bad, his father or grandparents could keep him ( as they did these past 4 days), but that just makes me feel futlile, that I can't do what I am supposed to be able to do. So frustrating.

My aunt just came in from VA and that is always an adventure. She is a 60 something and never married. She's "eccentric" but she's made it on her own this long and still kicking. Although she can make me postal, I think it was good for me to see her now to remember that. It can be done. But, I think I'll tweak the process a little.

I guess being real sick just makes me feel impotent.... helpless and makes me think about the future. Will it always be like this? What do other single people do ?? What do their friends do? Who do you call?? Do you push till you reach the hospital?? At least there, you are taken care of, I guess.

I'll tough it out and keep taking my drugs, but I can't help but hope that someday there might be someone around to bring me a hot cup of tea and wipe my head with a washcloth. Can I pay someone to do that ??? ;-)

I know..... what a baby. :-)