Today was a tough day. It was my first time at the Air Force Academy Chapel, but unfortunately, it was for a funeral. A coworker of mine just lost her sister and her 2 year old nephew. The news of it was devastating but the funeral brought it all way closer. The service was at 10am. The parking lot is about a little more than a tenth of a mile from the church and the temperature at the time was -2.
When I reached the church, it was warm. There were so many people. at least 400. Some ordinary folks and many service men and women. They had just folded the flag and were taking it from the church when I had gotten there, as I had arrived a little late. At the front of the church, there was the risen pulpit on the left and the first piece that made me lose it; a large picture of the young boy's face and another of the mother with her son. She was a beautiful woman and the boy was so very cute... and so very small. An Uncle spoke first and he did a remarkable job both with his words and composure. Another niece spoke next. We they sang as a congregation " Jesus Loves Me" in memory of the little boy. Needless to say, I could not find any voice to sing with as I was choking back my tears too hard.
There was a car accident in Memphis. I am not privy to all the details, but I know a tracter trailer hit the car. The mother and son were killed on the spot and the 7 year old was in a coma for about 2 days. The husband remained conscious but the extent of his injuries are unknown to me.
The service continued and it was very lovely. The pallbearers then carried the coffins out. It was so hard to see the mother's coffin carried out, but it was near unbearable to see the small one of the little boy. They were followed by the husband, who looked in shock and was still in a neckbrace, and their daughter of 7 who was very pretty in her dress and also looked barely alive. I then saw my coworker who only made eye contact briefly and then resumed her attention to the floor holding her husband alongside for support.
This service touched, or rather hit, me so hard. I could not imagine losing my sister, although I know that it is possible everyday. I could not imagine burying my son. I cannot imagine being seven and knowing I was in the car with my mommy and then fell asleep for mommy not to be there anymore. I cannot imagine being a daddy and having to hold it together so that my 7 year old daughter can make it through.
I don't know what hurts so bad, the fear, the possibilty, the sorrow for my coworker who has suddenly lost a beloved sister and nephew, the helplessness of not knowing what to do - but I know it hurts.
It's sad that it sometimes takes times like this to remind me to say " I love you" or "I'm sorry" or "thank you" to all those people who make a day....good. I forces me to remember all the many people I take for granted, forgetting that they may not be there tomorrow.
And, although I am not outspoken on my convictions, I remember in these times that I need a God. Existentalism ( although at times very attractive) is not a permanent option for me. All things cannot be futile/ without purpose and I need to believe that someone cares, that someone will listen, that someone has a reason and a purpose for those things that I cannot explain. I need a God to hope that there is a greater purpose and good for things. I need to believe this so that someone can take care of my coworker and help her heal as no man can alone. I don't need for everyone else to need a God, but I cannot reject the simple fact that I need one.
May I have my family and friends for a very long time, and if I ever don't, may I have the strength to allow me not to.
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