Through the reflecting glass

I haven't been here for a while, but I thought I'd stop by and... reflect before life becomes it's crazy normal self and there isn't time to do so.

This summer reality seemed to come crashing into me and I had to realize what to do with it. It's like seeing the road before you at 70 miles an hour and also several branches or exits to take. Turning around isn't an option. It's all merely the question of, "where am I going to go from here."

I'm not old (and no I'm not going to divulge my age - vanity is still holding some) but I'm not young anymore either.

My son is 13 and almost 4 inches taller than me. The "little boy" that was, is no longer.

At the beach, I had the sufficating thought that I only have 5 more years ( if God gives me those) to be with my son as my "boy". He's going to want to be with his friends all the time and have adventures with them. He'll be wrapped up in school, boy scouts, work and recreation and all that entails. We'll have some time to watch movies, battle through homework, take trips, but not much. I felt the pressure of reflecting and asking of myself, "Did you value and take all the time with your son that you could earlier, because those opportunities are fleeting, and diminishing."

There are so many parts to this, it's hard to sum up here. I'm a single mother. No complaints mostly, as life is often too busy for that to be a huge deal. I manuvere through my work and give attention to my son. Sometimes I think someone else would just muddy that water. Sometimes, it might be nice to share life with one more. Do I want to have another child? Not sure, and not in a place to worry about it. I just don't want to loose any part of the one I have.

Then I worry - What am I offering him for a good male role model? How can I model a healthy relationship for him if I'm not in one?

And... what happens when kiddo leaves? Invest in plastic, the great "push and pull" and go full out cougar?? Yeah, I don't think so.

So, after many tears and friends to listen, I think I have a plan. A mentor of mine always said "Fail to plan, plan to fail"

#1 - Appreciate the NOW and the little things - Kiddo and I will bike ride as often as we can. Although that can equal many muscle pulls and inhaler puffs here, it's time together. We will suffer through each other's preferenences in movies, we'll read together ( as long as he can tolerate it, we'll stop at Einstein's once a month for a sit down bagel brunch. And, there's always Netflix.

#2 - Have adventures - I will take kiddo to NYC, even if only for 3 days. Half of his family is from there and he needs to see it. It's doesn't hurt that I really like it there. We'll hit some hot springs here and take some hikes, and hopefully hit Disney World in the next 2 years. If the bank will hold, I also hope to take him overseas. I've been annoying him with Deutsch for long enough.

#3 - Take pictures - I can't believe the young 'man' I see when I look at my son. Soon I'll be looking at a man, and then perhaps a father himself. I need to take pictures to remember what was.

#4 - Love what was - As I pack up the Thomas the Tank Engine toys, I tear a little, knowing this chapter is over. I remember Teletubbies and Dragon tales at the wee hours of the morning. I remember slides and swings at the park. I remember the first time C ever saw the ocean. I remember watching Thomas on Dvd as George Harrison and other Beatles were the voices of the trains. I remember taking him to see Thomas and explore the real trains in Golden. I can't get any of this back, but, I don't need to - I still have it in my memory and my heart. And...I'm keeping some of the Thomas stuff :-)

#5 - Say goodbye and Look forward - I think part of my suffication was wondering and worrying what is to come. What it coming is what is to come. Tomorrow is to come and all I can do is what I can do. We will experience 8th grade and my 11th year at my school. Then we'll experience summer and the beginning of high school. He'll get braces and take drivers ed. He'll live his life and I'll support him. I hope to get a master's degree sometime and maybe meet someone awesome. I hope to be someone awesome to meet. I hope to get a dog :-) and not care when it pees on my carpet.

I think the biggest thing I have learned, and need to keep reminding myself is the hardest part of all of this, is looking in the mirror and being ok with what you see. You can still make better or go farther, but appreciate all that has been and been done. Tomorrow may not come, and I have to be ok with that. But if it does, I can't miss it.

Make everyday count. Now I get it.

A neighboor once said, "Life is like a roll of toilet paper - it seems to go faster the closer you get to the end." An addition to that might be, "whether course or soft, be glad you have some". I guess the contrast might be that hopefully you don't flush life.

Mirrors don't lie..... damn it.