Sunday, March 30, 2008

So many thoughts, so little organization

So, what does one do when they've knocked their sleep cycle out of order and have watched so much television, you believe life is a sitcom? For me, you think 20 thoughts simultaneously and wonder what to do with any one of them. In the idea that I might follow up on one, or heaven forbid, all of these, let me ramble what some of them were.

#1 - What are my goals? People ask this of themselves sometimes, right? I mean, you read it in self help articles all the time, but... what do people answer this question with? If someone were to ask me this right now, I'd probably respond with a profound "I dunno". I want to be a good person, whatever that is worth. I want to be a good mother, and a good role model, but I have to admit that I am not totally sure what that looks like all the time. I want to be a good teacher, but there are days that I am not even sure I want to teach anymore. I don't know whether that is because I don't think that I am doing it well, or because I have done it now and I am "over it". If I am over it, can I become into it again?? Can that happen with life in general.... or with people? I mean, is that way relationships and friendships wane? So people just get burnt out of other people ??

#2 - I'm looking for something, but can't lay my finger exactly on what. I am so jealous of people who seem to have a fire up their ass for things or causes that I personally couldn't care less for. But these people are so focused and driven. How did that happen? Do they get such pleasure and joy from what they are doing that all else on meaningless? Or are they avoiding things that maybe they can't handle so they consume themselves in things they can? I think I am in a little rut, and am not sure what action I am going to take to move from it. I have had lots of ideas, from fair and reasonable to, wow... who the hell are you and you'd never do that if it could be associated back to you. ( watching a little too much Sex in the City :-) ) How do you balance a desire for adventure with reality and responsibilty?

#3 How important is it to be in a relationship? I have no idea. There are times I am like, Yeeha -let's get that going, to the other times that I am like, Yeah..... no. I have my ideas, but maybe they are what's in the way. Besides, who has time to go looking for a relationship? And when you find one, how much time and energy do you commit to it? How do people really get to know people anyway. Anyone who thinks they no me and haven't hung out with me and little C doesn't know jack. And what do you do....wear a pin stating single mother of one, never home, loves music, slightly neurotic, loves to go out, will never be a size 8 and doesn't like Indian food ( mostly)? I mean really, let's save the trouble. Get all the cons out there and see of there are any takers. All women should put themselves out there with no makeup even. Then you at least see the real external picture. Makeup and push up bras are for the hope, not the reality.

Christian keeps asking when I am going to get remarried. Is that normal for an 8 year old. It's more a response I would have expected from an overly instrusive mother. My mother isn't very hands on in that catagory..... thank God.

My battery is about to die, so I'll publish this and see if I am moved to work further tomorrow. I'd make it a goal, but, let's face it, these ramblings are for me. If someone I didn't know could offer the answers to these things, then rock on. Otherwise, it's self assessment on the internet.

Why do I do this again????

Friday, March 28, 2008

So this is how it rolls

Plus, I slept a LIFETIME today and I do feel a bit better. Negative, the doctor says I should expect to feel less than great for sometime. Ughh. These breathing issues will be with me for a while, but they say they will get better. I am just to try to sleep and move the gunk as much as possible during the day. I think I am going to open a personals page and put that on the description... "hot single mom ( due to accoassional fever) that may cough often to move her gunk" Man, I should be busy.

Anyway, I guess I need to accept that my immune system has been pummeled and I need time for it to reload. I'll see how that plays out. Soon I'll be jogging a the Garden of the Gods, but right now, I'll hang with my friends with their oxygen tanks :-).

I am glad to be off the steriods soon as I think they are not a good match for me. I think they even may make me a little depressed. That's not cool.

So, there's the lastest health report. Today, I sign a renewal of my lease and tomorrow, it is off to the DMV to get my plates registered. There's an uplifting thought. Not the ideal way to conclude spring break, but..... could have been worse.

For today's viewing pleasure it had been Shawshank Redemption and The Princess Bride. Better than yesterday's fair.

Thursday, March 27, 2008

This is the cold that never ends

So, here it is a week and a half after I "offically" got sick and..... and I am still sick. This one is rough. Doctor visits on Tuesday and Thursday earned me steriods, an inhaler, and pnemonia antibiotic. A hospital visit this past Tuesday ( or was it Monday) got me another inhaler and cough syrup with codiene. Now, I am irritable, exhausted all the time yet can't sleep, and I still wheeze. As of this very moment, I am not a fan of the medical institution. I head to the doctor's again tomorrow morning and then hopefully to a pulmenologist. I'm just ready to feel better.

The doctor took bloodwork which says something about mono reactivating. I had that the summer before my senior year. It was the first time I had ever been to a hospital. I don't remember much of the experience save I was there for a few days, watched a lot of cartoons, and asked my boyfriend at the time to bring me deoderant. ( I never was much the traditionalist). I had to leave a summer music camp I was attending for the mono. We just didn't know that I had mono then. Just that I was super tired and puking a lot.

This time, no puking, although I'd be game. Rather just exhaustion and wheezing. The wheezing is better, but it really stinks to hear yourself gurgle after climbing a set of stairs. :-(

Today, I took my son to see "Horton Hears a Who" which is definately a red box rental. The book is far superior.... and that just seems sad to say when it is Dr. Suess. Anyway, I feel asleep during the 88 minute marvel. That's just sad.

That and I HATE steroids. I remember the first time I took them after a cold in West Virginia. They made me like super woman and I cleaned our whole half house, from scrubbing the kitchen and bathroom floors to waxing the living room ones. This time, they haven't been all that great.

They are telling me to take them as they supposedly have anti-inflamatory effects. What they do have is emotional altering affects. I can be bitchy by self nature, but these pills take away almost all tolerance. I have snapped at my son for the stupidest things. I almost wanted to destroy a letter or something like it when it wasn't where I has thought it to be. I get angry when there is nothing on TV and I can't sleep. So angry I grind my teeth and like.... seeth. I really do not like this medicine and am anxious to come off of it.

Tomorrow, at the doctors, I just want some acknowledgement that something is still not right. Well, that and more antibiotics. It is scary that on Monday I need to return to work, from 7:30-4:00 and then a rehearsal from 7:30 to 10 to be followed by a 7:00am rehearsal on Tuesday. How am I supposed to do that when I can't make it through "Horton" ? I am scared. I am preparing 3 groups for festival and already took off 3 days. I can't take anymore days ( well I can if I have too, but I REALLY DON"T want to). We ( the kids and me) need to work, and I need to find the energy to work. It's such a pisser not to be able to do the things you think you're supposed to be able to do.

Right now, I am exhausted, but my stomach is upset and I can't sleep. So here I am with my laptop watching "The Music Man". I was hoping me tale could bore me to sleep. Eh, might have worked :-)

Here's hoping.........

Sunday, March 23, 2008

Easter adventures

Happy Easter. Whatever your personal religious convictions, hopefully something nice has come of today for you.

We just finished coloring easter eggs at my place. I've always enjoyed doing that... although I don't always enjoy eating all the eggs after the fact :-) Sometimes a little egg salad goes a long way.

A little story - My son called me yesterday to let me know that he would be staying at his grandparents house for the evening. He then asked what time I would pick him up. I told him and then, being a planner, he wanted to know what his day would be like when he got home. I told him we would color easter eggs. He was very excited to hear that. After a small time had passed he very smartly asked," But what eggs are the Easter Bunny going to hide?" Hmmmm. I slyly answer that I was pretty sure that the EB had a stash of his own. He conceeded that idea, thank goodness.

So, we hunted plastic eggs and colored real ones. Thank goodness for Target.

Do you remember hunting for eggs when you were younger? Heck, I'd still do it now. I loved going to a big park with a basket, or through a large building running around scouring for colored eggs. We did this with various groups and, of course through church. I'm pretty sure some kids from my neighborhood got together to do this too, at least a few times. It was so fun, and the candy,and sometimes money, made it even more fun.

Why would people not do this?? I can't understand.

Today it is my son, my aunt, my sister and me. Actually it's just me now as the others went to run some errands. I was hoping to write something great, but I'm pretty sure I am just rambling now. I'll do more of that, I'm sure.

So, Happy Easter. Hopefully everyone gets to find something they were looking for. And if you're looking for egg salad, I'll have some to spare.

Saturday, March 22, 2008

Finally feeling human

So, it's been 3 months since my last post. Glad I don't get paid to write these.

It's the Satuday before Easter and the first day I have felt even a bit alive in the past....4 days. I have been what I consider overly tired for about the last month or so, but I figured that to be work and life related. Tuesday night, at a rehearsal, I began feeling achey, so I suspected I was about to get the flu. Wednesday I went to the doc and the flu test came back negative. He sent me home with an inhaler and steriods. I thought there might be a chance of a stort lived ick. Friday things still continued to stink so I went back and he told me I have pnemonia.

For the record this is my second bout with pnemonia this year. The last time, fittingly, was Christmas break. This time, Easter.

Felt a little bit the same... except for the achy part, so I knew I had to go back for the second doctor visit. These versions seem hard for them to diagnose because both times, I never ran a rediculous fever or ( not to be too gross) brought up colored crap. The story is that it's not bacterial, but viral. I guess that makes it not visible on a chest X-ray, but it's audible... with or without a stethescope sadly.

This time was rough, and I am hoping it to be over soon. Wednesday annihilated me and I woke in the morning crying. I felt worse than I had in a long time. That got even worse yet as my temporary break down made my son cry too. Way to add insult to injury.

Anyway, my friends from work were my life line. One brought me cough syrup and some vitamin packets and the other... well, she taught my classes :-).

I think one of the things I had time to sleep and think about was how much I miss being at my parents house when I am ill.... really ill, I mean. I remember when my mom would bring me hot or cold washcloths (case depending) and bring me food or water. I remember my dad bringing me a hot tea or popcicle. When I was married, my husband never did any of those things, but at least there was another body in the house in case something really bad happened. This is the first time I was really freaked out about being on my own.

I was like a lump for a long time. It hurt to breathe and so I didn't have energy to do anything. Forget laundry or cleaning the bathroom. Getting up to make a tea or toast was brutal. I slept or sat more than I care to admit. I know I was fine... that I am fine ( considering this is the first time I felt the desire to do anything but watch crappy movies) but it's scary to think how you are going to handle all the things that need to be handled. And handle them alone.

Can't say I've really had to to that. My sister agreed to pick up the little guys' Easter basket and goodies for me. I'll pay her of course. Nonetheless I'm really grateful she did that, so Christian wouldn't just get the crap that was closest to the entrance. I things got really bad, his father or grandparents could keep him ( as they did these past 4 days), but that just makes me feel futlile, that I can't do what I am supposed to be able to do. So frustrating.

My aunt just came in from VA and that is always an adventure. She is a 60 something and never married. She's "eccentric" but she's made it on her own this long and still kicking. Although she can make me postal, I think it was good for me to see her now to remember that. It can be done. But, I think I'll tweak the process a little.

I guess being real sick just makes me feel impotent.... helpless and makes me think about the future. Will it always be like this? What do other single people do ?? What do their friends do? Who do you call?? Do you push till you reach the hospital?? At least there, you are taken care of, I guess.

I'll tough it out and keep taking my drugs, but I can't help but hope that someday there might be someone around to bring me a hot cup of tea and wipe my head with a washcloth. Can I pay someone to do that ??? ;-)

I know..... what a baby. :-)