Eyes better...thank goodness.
But really wondering, do they make the Hoyle card game thingy for MAC's too? I played at my folks and I really liked it :-). My mission now.... to find out.
And, further exploration into travel. I currently have to think the course of priority and possibility - I want to take little C to Disney before he won't like it anymore AND/ OR I have been researching some trips where you go out of the country for 14-21 days and build homes and do stuff like that. Both are highly attractive. I want to take little C to Disney for sure, but there are a couple factors that I can think of right away - cost for 2 and my ex-laws may beat me to the punch..... which is a horrible blow to my self-esteem. And for me, I want to go away next July when the "not-so-little" guy is with his grandparents in NH, but I know that I won't be happy just sightseeing if going alone. It might seem that I am doing something, seeing something amazing, and not sharing it with anyone. Not that I think doing it alone is bad. Damn jealous of those who can. I just don't think that's for me. But doing something, helping give someone something they need, AND being out of the country, win/win. I did that once in college on a week trip to Jamaica and it was one of the best times in my life.
So these are the choices on the table. Oh yeah, and trying to put $$ away for a down payment on a house.
Hmmmm. Decisions, decisions, decisions.
Thursday, July 10, 2008
Damn allergies
Have just been out to a house with a nice person and 3 very cute pets to come home looking like Rocky after a fight ( and except for the blood, I am not exaggerating.) Why must I have these traumas??!!!!! I'm not 'not' going to pet the animals, so this is what I get. Hmmmph :-(
Can't type anymore. I can barely see the screen. :-(
Can't type anymore. I can barely see the screen. :-(
Wednesday, July 09, 2008
SEX IN THE CITY
Ok, I must profess that I am a HUGE fan of this show. I'll try to explain that affinity here in a minute.
Now, don't get me wrong. If you are looking for moral guidance, this ain't the place. But if you're looking for a potential ideal in a women to women relationship and perspective one how different kinds of women view the whole relationship thing and how they screw it up too, it's a great show.
I remember once hearing this show described as "4 spoiled bitches living in NYC" .That description still makes me smile. But I have to say, if an opening happened for the role of spoiled bitch in that way.... I might just run to that audition.
I am a romantic. Painfully so, but I am, and I am ok with it. I love the character Carrie because she is too. There was an episode where she was in Paris, living with her current beau, and "called the ball" saying that this was all well and good but she wanted "all consuming love". Ok, that's TV and this is real life, but, honestly, I'm holding out for that too. I want to loose my breath, I want to tremble, I want to smile when I see an email and I want to be anxious to see that person. And, the kicker, and perhaps the unattainable, is that I want those feelings, or at least some sort of corollaries, to be mutual. Unrequited sucks, perhaps for both parties, but definitely for one.
I won't ruin the movie for anyone who may actually want to see it, but something 'horrible' happens to her and she becomes depressed. She was angry, so passionately angry and she showed it. Ah, to be able to show that raw of emotion is awesome. Granted, it has to be a sense of losing control, but it's real. No pretense, no rehearsal, no rules, just truth. That is rare and amazing.
The character Big I love too. The viewer unfairly gets to see his struggles too ( granted not as much as Carrie's) so that you can't really feel what Carrie feels head on, because you have compassion and sympathy for the other party. In the show, there are times that even seeing Big's traumas, he's still an asshole, but as time goes on, his heart gets bigger and he show's it more often. How can you not love that?
Charlotte is so funny because she is Ms. Perfect. She is a romantic too, but on an extreme I can't relate too.
Miranda is the one most people would call the "bitch" but she's really just more emotionally programmed like a man... or at least tries to pretend she is. She's a control freak, but passionate in her own way. Just sometimes her intense passion is a little misdirected.
Samantha is the slut. A guy like her is called a "player" and idolized and we women have to call the female counterpart "slut". That doesn't seem quite fair. Eh, she just likes variety I guess.
Anyway, after that character synopsis, let me close this rambling by saying again that I loved the movie. And, at least today, I believe it's ok to wait for the tingle in the toes, smile when you see them, want to be with them, butterflies in the stomach love. If it never happens, at least I didn't settle for instant Sanka when I really wanted gourmet coffee. The instant stuff always leaves an aftertaste that is never pleasant. Settling for Microsoft when you really want LINUX/UNIX.... whatever other kind of languages/systems might be preferable.
But...... if it does happen..... here's hoping I'll be able to blog about that someday :-)
Now, don't get me wrong. If you are looking for moral guidance, this ain't the place. But if you're looking for a potential ideal in a women to women relationship and perspective one how different kinds of women view the whole relationship thing and how they screw it up too, it's a great show.
I remember once hearing this show described as "4 spoiled bitches living in NYC" .That description still makes me smile. But I have to say, if an opening happened for the role of spoiled bitch in that way.... I might just run to that audition.
I am a romantic. Painfully so, but I am, and I am ok with it. I love the character Carrie because she is too. There was an episode where she was in Paris, living with her current beau, and "called the ball" saying that this was all well and good but she wanted "all consuming love". Ok, that's TV and this is real life, but, honestly, I'm holding out for that too. I want to loose my breath, I want to tremble, I want to smile when I see an email and I want to be anxious to see that person. And, the kicker, and perhaps the unattainable, is that I want those feelings, or at least some sort of corollaries, to be mutual. Unrequited sucks, perhaps for both parties, but definitely for one.
I won't ruin the movie for anyone who may actually want to see it, but something 'horrible' happens to her and she becomes depressed. She was angry, so passionately angry and she showed it. Ah, to be able to show that raw of emotion is awesome. Granted, it has to be a sense of losing control, but it's real. No pretense, no rehearsal, no rules, just truth. That is rare and amazing.
The character Big I love too. The viewer unfairly gets to see his struggles too ( granted not as much as Carrie's) so that you can't really feel what Carrie feels head on, because you have compassion and sympathy for the other party. In the show, there are times that even seeing Big's traumas, he's still an asshole, but as time goes on, his heart gets bigger and he show's it more often. How can you not love that?
Charlotte is so funny because she is Ms. Perfect. She is a romantic too, but on an extreme I can't relate too.
Miranda is the one most people would call the "bitch" but she's really just more emotionally programmed like a man... or at least tries to pretend she is. She's a control freak, but passionate in her own way. Just sometimes her intense passion is a little misdirected.
Samantha is the slut. A guy like her is called a "player" and idolized and we women have to call the female counterpart "slut". That doesn't seem quite fair. Eh, she just likes variety I guess.
Anyway, after that character synopsis, let me close this rambling by saying again that I loved the movie. And, at least today, I believe it's ok to wait for the tingle in the toes, smile when you see them, want to be with them, butterflies in the stomach love. If it never happens, at least I didn't settle for instant Sanka when I really wanted gourmet coffee. The instant stuff always leaves an aftertaste that is never pleasant. Settling for Microsoft when you really want LINUX/UNIX.... whatever other kind of languages/systems might be preferable.
But...... if it does happen..... here's hoping I'll be able to blog about that someday :-)
So much to say
Thank you Dave Matthews for that title. :-)
One of my biggest issues with the male to female relationship is my encounters with men that don't talk about stuff. Therefore, I may have unfairly categorized that all men don't talk. I was told once that such a axiom is not true, but I have no evidence to prove that. For the first time in my life, that statement is NOT criticism, merely observation and my acceptance ( not my liking) of such a fact.
Anywho, in hanging out with my women folk, I have talked like never before and they talk too. The problem with talking; once you have said it, you forget what you said. Hmmmm. Maybe there is an advantage to staying in your head..... maybe.
Topics for now or never -(I'll try to hit at least one for my own sake)
#1 - Strata of relationships. There was this diagram with 4 circles representing relational categories - acquaintance, friend, close friend, intimate relationship. I see that this is a socially accepted strata, although I openly admit that I have NO comprehension for such a thing. I mean I understand that other people may have this for themselves, but as for me ( and as I have come to find, one of my friends as well....which makes me feel a little more normal) I have 1 BIG circle. People go as far in that circle as they want to ( we are speaking talking only now) unless they totally violate trust where I throw them out of the very big circle. There is no idea of promotion or demotion, just acceptance or dismissal.
#2 - Criteria for relationship - well, having stated the above that doesn't seem logically very applicable for me, but there are a few, maybe, for entrance into the big circle. What they are .... I'm not sure I know. Good hygiene is a good place to start. ;-)
#3 - SEX IN THE CITY - this one will get an entry to itself.
#4 - Saying you're sorry. Do you have a place in time you wish you could return to and say you're sorry to someone ?? Maybe several?
#5 - The 5 love languages - no, this is not linguistic study related. It is how people give and receive love. There are 5 ( duh, I wrote that earlier); touch, quality time, words of affirmation, service , and gifts. I find this fascinating. I know how I prefer to show love and I think I may have figured out how I like to receive it too, which offers some strong vulnerabilities and reasons for things and, perhaps more evidence of causation of bad choices. I may explain, I may not. It is my blog after all ;-). Do you know how you give love? How you are able to? How you prefer to receive it? Rumor has it that most guys are a fan of verbal affirmation. I don't know if that is a generality or not, but, that's the word on the street. Briargate blvd, that is.
#6 - The power of the tongue - no, this is not a sexual entry, although after watching Sex in the City, there might be good reason to make it one. Have you ever just said the wrong thing.... like all the time? I live this dream. In my head, it makes sense, sounds perfect. I know what I mean so why wouldn't everyone else? Bad assumption. The ironic thing is that I honestly don't place a ton of power in the spoken word IF I have other sources of information. If I can get at the sentiment, words don't matter that much to me. If the tone or body language don't match the words, I don't believe them. If the actions don't match, I actually stop listening, or, if I care enough, bring the discrepancy to their attention and see if they can explain/ justify. But, I often find myself saying the wrong thing, the wrong way, at the wrong time, with such great expectation and instead reap great trauma. This causes me great consternation. Not a pleasant sensation. Bad and poor communication is the cause of much frustration.
#7 - Being overly critical - well if I didn't care, I wouldn't say anything about what you are wearing. :-) All the same, there's room for improvement here. But I am an artist. What else is there but criticism? ( that is sarcasm folks.... geesh)
#8 - Being too sarcastic -see #7
On to next entry....
One of my biggest issues with the male to female relationship is my encounters with men that don't talk about stuff. Therefore, I may have unfairly categorized that all men don't talk. I was told once that such a axiom is not true, but I have no evidence to prove that. For the first time in my life, that statement is NOT criticism, merely observation and my acceptance ( not my liking) of such a fact.
Anywho, in hanging out with my women folk, I have talked like never before and they talk too. The problem with talking; once you have said it, you forget what you said. Hmmmm. Maybe there is an advantage to staying in your head..... maybe.
Topics for now or never -(I'll try to hit at least one for my own sake)
#1 - Strata of relationships. There was this diagram with 4 circles representing relational categories - acquaintance, friend, close friend, intimate relationship. I see that this is a socially accepted strata, although I openly admit that I have NO comprehension for such a thing. I mean I understand that other people may have this for themselves, but as for me ( and as I have come to find, one of my friends as well....which makes me feel a little more normal) I have 1 BIG circle. People go as far in that circle as they want to ( we are speaking talking only now) unless they totally violate trust where I throw them out of the very big circle. There is no idea of promotion or demotion, just acceptance or dismissal.
#2 - Criteria for relationship - well, having stated the above that doesn't seem logically very applicable for me, but there are a few, maybe, for entrance into the big circle. What they are .... I'm not sure I know. Good hygiene is a good place to start. ;-)
#3 - SEX IN THE CITY - this one will get an entry to itself.
#4 - Saying you're sorry. Do you have a place in time you wish you could return to and say you're sorry to someone ?? Maybe several?
#5 - The 5 love languages - no, this is not linguistic study related. It is how people give and receive love. There are 5 ( duh, I wrote that earlier); touch, quality time, words of affirmation, service , and gifts. I find this fascinating. I know how I prefer to show love and I think I may have figured out how I like to receive it too, which offers some strong vulnerabilities and reasons for things and, perhaps more evidence of causation of bad choices. I may explain, I may not. It is my blog after all ;-). Do you know how you give love? How you are able to? How you prefer to receive it? Rumor has it that most guys are a fan of verbal affirmation. I don't know if that is a generality or not, but, that's the word on the street. Briargate blvd, that is.
#6 - The power of the tongue - no, this is not a sexual entry, although after watching Sex in the City, there might be good reason to make it one. Have you ever just said the wrong thing.... like all the time? I live this dream. In my head, it makes sense, sounds perfect. I know what I mean so why wouldn't everyone else? Bad assumption. The ironic thing is that I honestly don't place a ton of power in the spoken word IF I have other sources of information. If I can get at the sentiment, words don't matter that much to me. If the tone or body language don't match the words, I don't believe them. If the actions don't match, I actually stop listening, or, if I care enough, bring the discrepancy to their attention and see if they can explain/ justify. But, I often find myself saying the wrong thing, the wrong way, at the wrong time, with such great expectation and instead reap great trauma. This causes me great consternation. Not a pleasant sensation. Bad and poor communication is the cause of much frustration.
#7 - Being overly critical - well if I didn't care, I wouldn't say anything about what you are wearing. :-) All the same, there's room for improvement here. But I am an artist. What else is there but criticism? ( that is sarcasm folks.... geesh)
#8 - Being too sarcastic -see #7
On to next entry....
Tuesday, July 08, 2008
Random thoughts
Random thoughts are what make up a great part of life aren't they???
#1 - I miss my boy. Sometimes I think about when he is a grown man and I have a 'small' worry but more accurately more compassion again for parents. If they like their children ( mind you) I bet they miss them when they are far away... even in their 20's and 30's. And it must be nice when they become closer in proximity again.
#2 - I really don't like living alone. I actually already knew this, but have seen others do it successfully and thought I should be able to as well. Well, I "can" do it..... I just really don't like to. In talking to a friend yesterday, i was able to admit that one of the hardest things when I was married was living with someone but still feeling alone. We couldn't watch TV together, never wanted to do anything together, didn't assist one another with menial chores, etc. while violating the just roommate philosophy by... well, being married. That sucked too.
But I think I would rather have a roommate or something. Someone to talk to when both parties might be willing, someone to avoid when you want to be by yourself but know that they are there, someone to cajole when you want company, or someone to sit in silence with when reading a book or watching TV. Gerbils, eh... not so personable and certainly not quality time worthy. You're too busy corralling them
#3 - I am allergic to my office at school. Maybe psychosematicly (sp) but definitely physically. I went yesterday and sneezed for like a half hour - 45 minutes straight. Not pretty. Carol and I are vacuuming and carpet cleaning and dusting today. Yes, folks, custodians do do that sort of thing, but in this particular case, you'd have to see it to understand and only those who have to enter or who I really trust can see my office area :-).
#4 - 2 new goals. a) Somehow, someway, I am going to attempt to become more technologically savvy. If I die, I wish you all well.
b) LEAVE THE COUNTRY!!! With people whom I know having had the reason, chance, and resources to travel the globe, I am looking to see if I can. It has always been a dream, but life needs and other things have always trumped at least the ability to compile the monetary resources needed to go. But I am getting older, and although hard to come by, money is regain able, health is not, so I have begun research here. We'll see where research, health, time, money, and life lead.
#5 -Gotta run. I'm already late :-)
#1 - I miss my boy. Sometimes I think about when he is a grown man and I have a 'small' worry but more accurately more compassion again for parents. If they like their children ( mind you) I bet they miss them when they are far away... even in their 20's and 30's. And it must be nice when they become closer in proximity again.
#2 - I really don't like living alone. I actually already knew this, but have seen others do it successfully and thought I should be able to as well. Well, I "can" do it..... I just really don't like to. In talking to a friend yesterday, i was able to admit that one of the hardest things when I was married was living with someone but still feeling alone. We couldn't watch TV together, never wanted to do anything together, didn't assist one another with menial chores, etc. while violating the just roommate philosophy by... well, being married. That sucked too.
But I think I would rather have a roommate or something. Someone to talk to when both parties might be willing, someone to avoid when you want to be by yourself but know that they are there, someone to cajole when you want company, or someone to sit in silence with when reading a book or watching TV. Gerbils, eh... not so personable and certainly not quality time worthy. You're too busy corralling them
#3 - I am allergic to my office at school. Maybe psychosematicly (sp) but definitely physically. I went yesterday and sneezed for like a half hour - 45 minutes straight. Not pretty. Carol and I are vacuuming and carpet cleaning and dusting today. Yes, folks, custodians do do that sort of thing, but in this particular case, you'd have to see it to understand and only those who have to enter or who I really trust can see my office area :-).
#4 - 2 new goals. a) Somehow, someway, I am going to attempt to become more technologically savvy. If I die, I wish you all well.
b) LEAVE THE COUNTRY!!! With people whom I know having had the reason, chance, and resources to travel the globe, I am looking to see if I can. It has always been a dream, but life needs and other things have always trumped at least the ability to compile the monetary resources needed to go. But I am getting older, and although hard to come by, money is regain able, health is not, so I have begun research here. We'll see where research, health, time, money, and life lead.
#5 -Gotta run. I'm already late :-)
Sunday, July 06, 2008
My funny story friend
Had dinner with a friend and her family today and it was the collection of funny things.
#1 - A story. This friend worked for a time with the Billy Graham crusades. ( please, all you relig-a-phobes relax, she's relatively normal) Anyway, she had this older friend who also worked with the crusade, but her friend's husband was not the religious sort at all. He just kind of " let her do her thing". These Billy Graham folks had a fancy dinner to which the non-Christian husband came. He wanted to share a joke and had everyone's ear. The joke goes," This guy gave his girlfriend a puppy as she boarded a plane. Not knowing what to do with the puppy, she stuck it under her shirt for boarding. After sitting on the plane for a while, a male stewardess says," I know what you have under there. Too bad it's not potty trained." to which she replies with a grimace, " potty trained? It's not even weaned yet !!" The crowd was silent. My friend had to ask to leave the table so that she could die of hysteria. Oh, how I would have loved to be there.
#2 - Her mom, of the young age of 81, was there at dinner too. She shared a story of a parade they went to where a woman my age was wearing too low, low-rise jeans, sitting on a curb, and bending forward. (Reminds me of a certain middle school incident...that's amore.) Anyway, the mom thought to say something to the exposed woman, but another lady did instead, and the low-rise lady did the best she could to put the moon away. My friend concluded the story by saying, " The woman should have said 'yeah, and another crack like that and I am going to have to ask you to leave' ". I am so remembering that line for the next moon I see !!!!!!!
#3 - Lastly, this she and I are playing for another friends daughter's wedding later this month. After drinking a few glasses of wine, she wanted to read through the music. Uh.... ok. We played and her mother and her mother's long haired chihuahua listened on. It went acceptably ( but needs more rehearsing). At one part, the chihuahua starting singing along!!!!! My first reaction was a little self consciousness and.. damn, does it sound that bad !!!!!! Everyone is a critic. After that 6 seconds passed, I couldn't play anymore because I was began to snort from laughing. ( you try to laugh and play a brass instrument) Then, my friend playing piano starting laughing. Then, the mother then says, "Wow. My other chihuahua would sing along with music too." We all laughed.
Oh how I love people that can make me laugh!!!!!
#1 - A story. This friend worked for a time with the Billy Graham crusades. ( please, all you relig-a-phobes relax, she's relatively normal) Anyway, she had this older friend who also worked with the crusade, but her friend's husband was not the religious sort at all. He just kind of " let her do her thing". These Billy Graham folks had a fancy dinner to which the non-Christian husband came. He wanted to share a joke and had everyone's ear. The joke goes," This guy gave his girlfriend a puppy as she boarded a plane. Not knowing what to do with the puppy, she stuck it under her shirt for boarding. After sitting on the plane for a while, a male stewardess says," I know what you have under there. Too bad it's not potty trained." to which she replies with a grimace, " potty trained? It's not even weaned yet !!" The crowd was silent. My friend had to ask to leave the table so that she could die of hysteria. Oh, how I would have loved to be there.
#2 - Her mom, of the young age of 81, was there at dinner too. She shared a story of a parade they went to where a woman my age was wearing too low, low-rise jeans, sitting on a curb, and bending forward. (Reminds me of a certain middle school incident...that's amore.) Anyway, the mom thought to say something to the exposed woman, but another lady did instead, and the low-rise lady did the best she could to put the moon away. My friend concluded the story by saying, " The woman should have said 'yeah, and another crack like that and I am going to have to ask you to leave' ". I am so remembering that line for the next moon I see !!!!!!!
#3 - Lastly, this she and I are playing for another friends daughter's wedding later this month. After drinking a few glasses of wine, she wanted to read through the music. Uh.... ok. We played and her mother and her mother's long haired chihuahua listened on. It went acceptably ( but needs more rehearsing). At one part, the chihuahua starting singing along!!!!! My first reaction was a little self consciousness and.. damn, does it sound that bad !!!!!! Everyone is a critic. After that 6 seconds passed, I couldn't play anymore because I was began to snort from laughing. ( you try to laugh and play a brass instrument) Then, my friend playing piano starting laughing. Then, the mother then says, "Wow. My other chihuahua would sing along with music too." We all laughed.
Oh how I love people that can make me laugh!!!!!
Saturday, July 05, 2008
Adopt a family
Let me start by acknowledging that when I started experimenting with the whole "blog" thing, I stated that I wasn't going to talk about things of a personal nature. Let me also acknowledge that that particular sentiment has been shot to hell, and I'm ok with that :-)
Today I ate dinner with my adopted family - a family here that has kind of associated with me/ allowed me to assimilate as one of their family, and I so appreciate them. They are my friends, but they are family too. I have had several adopted families in my time - a few in high school mainly. These were families that made me feel like the parents cared as much for me as they did their own kids and I felt like one of the kids among the kids too. It's just nice to feel cared for and that you have family, away from family.
In my adopted family, the phrase "mental health" is heard often. I never discussed such a thing in my own family, but the mom especially talks about it and shared with me that she is mindful of it in herself, her children and her friends. And there has been a lot of trauma around here to allow a need to be observant. I often wonder at the "state" of other people but rarely focused on my own. I wonder how many people think about this. I wonder even more how many talk about it.
I love my family ( meaning my parents) dearly, but will also say that they weren't perfect. My sister and I often joke about the dysfunctionality of my family, but I can honestly say that away from the connotation of the word and the literal "not functional", I didn't know what dysfunctional meant. So, I looked it up. In my seven minute Google search I came across a couple interesting things: (these are all from various sites - I am hoping I am not violating copyright by copying excerpts)
Types of Dysfunctional Families
Dr. Janet Kizziar characterizes four types of "troubled family systems", which are "breeding grounds for codependency:" 5
(1) The Alcoholic or Chemically Dependent Family System
(2) The Emotionally or Psychologically Disturbed Family System
(3) The Physically or Sexually Abusing Family System
(4) The Religious Fundamentalist or Rigidly Dogmatic Family System
Rules that encourage the unnatural patterns of relating in codependent family systems include:
• Don't talk about problems
• Don't express feelings openly or honestly
• Communicate indirectly, through acting out or sulking, or via another family member
• Have unrealistic expectations about what the Dependent will do for you
• Don't be selfish, think of the other person first
• Don't take your parents as an example, "do as I say, not as I do"
• Don't have fun
• Don't rock the boat, keep the status quo
• Don't talk about sex
• Don't challenge your parent's religious beliefs or these family rules
**There are four basic roles that children adopt in order to survive growing up in emotionally dishonest, shame-based, dysfunctional family systems. Some children maintain one role into adulthood while others switch from one role to another as the family dynamic changes (i.e. when the oldest leaves home, etc.) An only child may play all of the roles at one time or another.
"Responsible Child" - "Family Hero"
This is the child who is "9 going on 40." This child takes over the parent role at a very young age, becoming very responsible and self-sufficient. They give the family self-worth because they look good on the outside. They are the good students, the sports stars, the prom queens. The parents look to this child to prove that they are good parents and good people.
As an adult the Family Hero is rigid, controlling, and extremely judgmental (although perhaps very subtle about it) - of others and secretly of themselves. They achieve "success" on the outside and get lots of positive attention but are cut off from their inner emotional life, from their True Self. They are compulsive and driven as adults because deep inside they feel inadequate and insecure.
The family hero, because of their "success" in conforming to dysfunctional cultural definitions of what constitutes doing life "right", is often the child in the family who as an adult has the hardest time even admitting that there is anything within themselves that needs to be healed.
"Acting out child" - "Scapegoat"
This is the child that the family feels ashamed of - and the most emotionally honest child in the family. He/she acts out the tension and anger the family ignores. This child provides distraction from the real issues in the family. The scapegoat usually has trouble in school because they get attention the only way they know how - which is negatively. They often become pregnant or addicted as teenagers.
These children are usually the most sensitive and caring which is why they feel such tremendous hurt. They are romantics who become very cynical and distrustful. They have a lot of self-hatred and can be very self-destructive. This often results in this child becoming the first person in the family to get into some kind of recovery.
"Placater" - "Mascot" - "Caretaker"
This child takes responsibility for the emotional well-being of the family. They become the families 'social director' and/or clown, diverting the family's attention from the pain and anger.
This child becomes an adult who is valued for their kind heart, generosity, and ability to listen to others. Their whole self-definition is centered on others and they don't know how to get their own needs met. They become adults who cannot receive love, only give it. They often have case loads rather than friendships - and get involved in abusive relationships in an attempt to "save" the other person. They go into the helping professions and become nurses, and social workers, and therapists. They have very low self-worth and feel a lot of guilt that they work very hard to overcome by being really "nice" (i.e. people pleasing, classically codependent) people.
"Adjuster" - "Lost Child"
This child escapes by attempting to be invisible. They daydream, fantasize, read a lot of books or watch a lot of TV. They deal with reality by withdrawing from it. They deny that they have any feelings and "don't bother getting upset."
These children grow up to be adults who find themselves unable to feel and suffer very low self-esteem. They are terrified of intimacy and often have relationship phobia. They are very withdrawn and shy and become socially isolated because that is the only way they know to be safe from being hurt. A lot of actors and writers are 'lost children' who have found a way to express emotions while hiding behind their characters.
It is important to note that we adapt the roles that are best suited to our personalities.
There's a lot more information, but this was enough to get chewing on. No parent is perfect, and I think that becomes more evident when you become one. It's easy to criticize your folks when you aren't a parent, but you reserve a little more judgement when you are one.
Anyway, it took me this long to identify what some of the things are that I didn't like about my upbringing and after reading this stuff, I have a little more information about why I have some of the flaws that I do. I think everyone has a piece of these in some way, the difference being whether they are aware if it or not and/ or if they are doing anything about it.
Just food for thought. At the moment, I am stuffed.
Today I ate dinner with my adopted family - a family here that has kind of associated with me/ allowed me to assimilate as one of their family, and I so appreciate them. They are my friends, but they are family too. I have had several adopted families in my time - a few in high school mainly. These were families that made me feel like the parents cared as much for me as they did their own kids and I felt like one of the kids among the kids too. It's just nice to feel cared for and that you have family, away from family.
In my adopted family, the phrase "mental health" is heard often. I never discussed such a thing in my own family, but the mom especially talks about it and shared with me that she is mindful of it in herself, her children and her friends. And there has been a lot of trauma around here to allow a need to be observant. I often wonder at the "state" of other people but rarely focused on my own. I wonder how many people think about this. I wonder even more how many talk about it.
I love my family ( meaning my parents) dearly, but will also say that they weren't perfect. My sister and I often joke about the dysfunctionality of my family, but I can honestly say that away from the connotation of the word and the literal "not functional", I didn't know what dysfunctional meant. So, I looked it up. In my seven minute Google search I came across a couple interesting things: (these are all from various sites - I am hoping I am not violating copyright by copying excerpts)
Types of Dysfunctional Families
Dr. Janet Kizziar characterizes four types of "troubled family systems", which are "breeding grounds for codependency:" 5
(1) The Alcoholic or Chemically Dependent Family System
(2) The Emotionally or Psychologically Disturbed Family System
(3) The Physically or Sexually Abusing Family System
(4) The Religious Fundamentalist or Rigidly Dogmatic Family System
Rules that encourage the unnatural patterns of relating in codependent family systems include:
• Don't talk about problems
• Don't express feelings openly or honestly
• Communicate indirectly, through acting out or sulking, or via another family member
• Have unrealistic expectations about what the Dependent will do for you
• Don't be selfish, think of the other person first
• Don't take your parents as an example, "do as I say, not as I do"
• Don't have fun
• Don't rock the boat, keep the status quo
• Don't talk about sex
• Don't challenge your parent's religious beliefs or these family rules
**There are four basic roles that children adopt in order to survive growing up in emotionally dishonest, shame-based, dysfunctional family systems. Some children maintain one role into adulthood while others switch from one role to another as the family dynamic changes (i.e. when the oldest leaves home, etc.) An only child may play all of the roles at one time or another.
"Responsible Child" - "Family Hero"
This is the child who is "9 going on 40." This child takes over the parent role at a very young age, becoming very responsible and self-sufficient. They give the family self-worth because they look good on the outside. They are the good students, the sports stars, the prom queens. The parents look to this child to prove that they are good parents and good people.
As an adult the Family Hero is rigid, controlling, and extremely judgmental (although perhaps very subtle about it) - of others and secretly of themselves. They achieve "success" on the outside and get lots of positive attention but are cut off from their inner emotional life, from their True Self. They are compulsive and driven as adults because deep inside they feel inadequate and insecure.
The family hero, because of their "success" in conforming to dysfunctional cultural definitions of what constitutes doing life "right", is often the child in the family who as an adult has the hardest time even admitting that there is anything within themselves that needs to be healed.
"Acting out child" - "Scapegoat"
This is the child that the family feels ashamed of - and the most emotionally honest child in the family. He/she acts out the tension and anger the family ignores. This child provides distraction from the real issues in the family. The scapegoat usually has trouble in school because they get attention the only way they know how - which is negatively. They often become pregnant or addicted as teenagers.
These children are usually the most sensitive and caring which is why they feel such tremendous hurt. They are romantics who become very cynical and distrustful. They have a lot of self-hatred and can be very self-destructive. This often results in this child becoming the first person in the family to get into some kind of recovery.
"Placater" - "Mascot" - "Caretaker"
This child takes responsibility for the emotional well-being of the family. They become the families 'social director' and/or clown, diverting the family's attention from the pain and anger.
This child becomes an adult who is valued for their kind heart, generosity, and ability to listen to others. Their whole self-definition is centered on others and they don't know how to get their own needs met. They become adults who cannot receive love, only give it. They often have case loads rather than friendships - and get involved in abusive relationships in an attempt to "save" the other person. They go into the helping professions and become nurses, and social workers, and therapists. They have very low self-worth and feel a lot of guilt that they work very hard to overcome by being really "nice" (i.e. people pleasing, classically codependent) people.
"Adjuster" - "Lost Child"
This child escapes by attempting to be invisible. They daydream, fantasize, read a lot of books or watch a lot of TV. They deal with reality by withdrawing from it. They deny that they have any feelings and "don't bother getting upset."
These children grow up to be adults who find themselves unable to feel and suffer very low self-esteem. They are terrified of intimacy and often have relationship phobia. They are very withdrawn and shy and become socially isolated because that is the only way they know to be safe from being hurt. A lot of actors and writers are 'lost children' who have found a way to express emotions while hiding behind their characters.
It is important to note that we adapt the roles that are best suited to our personalities.
There's a lot more information, but this was enough to get chewing on. No parent is perfect, and I think that becomes more evident when you become one. It's easy to criticize your folks when you aren't a parent, but you reserve a little more judgement when you are one.
Anyway, it took me this long to identify what some of the things are that I didn't like about my upbringing and after reading this stuff, I have a little more information about why I have some of the flaws that I do. I think everyone has a piece of these in some way, the difference being whether they are aware if it or not and/ or if they are doing anything about it.
Just food for thought. At the moment, I am stuffed.
Tuesday, July 01, 2008
Killing time at the airport
Tired of reading my book so here are some pictures :-)
A sign for inspiration:
Here are pics of that sunset that I was so eager to get to. I think they came out well. I have more, but I am going to play with them a little first. CORRECTION - That's a SUNRISE not a sunset. Geesh, I have made that mistake way too many times!!!!!
My boy on the beach. There are more of these too :-).
He's currently in NH as I head back to CO. "Sigh". You never know how someone changes your life until they aren't around anymore. It's quiet, but I like having my little guy around better. Now I need to find yet another movie buddy :-)
The shirt I found so funny.
I know that this shirt can be received as racist, but think of it from an "In Living Color" perspective, and it's freaking funny.
A sign for inspiration:
Here are pics of that sunset that I was so eager to get to. I think they came out well. I have more, but I am going to play with them a little first. CORRECTION - That's a SUNRISE not a sunset. Geesh, I have made that mistake way too many times!!!!!
My boy on the beach. There are more of these too :-).
He's currently in NH as I head back to CO. "Sigh". You never know how someone changes your life until they aren't around anymore. It's quiet, but I like having my little guy around better. Now I need to find yet another movie buddy :-)
The shirt I found so funny.
I know that this shirt can be received as racist, but think of it from an "In Living Color" perspective, and it's freaking funny.
Friday, June 27, 2008
Final days at the Beach
So, this signifies the end of my time at the beach. I have to say, it was a great time. I managed to get up 'again' for the sunrise this morning and was greatly rewarded. It was truly beautiful. I don't know that I have ever seen a sunrise at the beach live but it is a yearly appointment from here on out. It is a picturesque moment that is worth a little sleepiness. And, I got fantabulous pictures!!!!!! Can't wait to share them. I'll do that as soon as I can.
Missed the Sea-Doo goal, but yesterday, on the waves, I _was_ the Sea-Doo. It was crazy fun riding the waves!!! And my little guy got in on the action too. He was having so much fun and was so fun to watch. He got tossed around a few times, but..... it's the beach. Still, very fun. Still cold, but tolerable water.
During this trip, I was able compare my son to the boy that I have brought here the last 4 years. It is very cool and occasionally disturbing to see your child grow up. I'll write about this at home.
To all who have still to head out for their first, second, or summer vacation, have a great time and savor every minute. It goes by way too fast.
Missed the Sea-Doo goal, but yesterday, on the waves, I _was_ the Sea-Doo. It was crazy fun riding the waves!!! And my little guy got in on the action too. He was having so much fun and was so fun to watch. He got tossed around a few times, but..... it's the beach. Still, very fun. Still cold, but tolerable water.
During this trip, I was able compare my son to the boy that I have brought here the last 4 years. It is very cool and occasionally disturbing to see your child grow up. I'll write about this at home.
To all who have still to head out for their first, second, or summer vacation, have a great time and savor every minute. It goes by way too fast.
Thursday, June 26, 2008
FUNNY T-SHIRT
Almost forgot about this one:
You know the cartoon/ movie media company Warner Bros. and their logo right? Well there was this tee shirt.... "If you see a cop-- Warn a brother. ( with the logo) I laughed so hard!!!!! I'll try to get a picture before we leave.
You know the cartoon/ movie media company Warner Bros. and their logo right? Well there was this tee shirt.... "If you see a cop-- Warn a brother. ( with the logo) I laughed so hard!!!!! I'll try to get a picture before we leave.
Better water - floating masses
I was going to write about what we did yesterday... but as I got online, it seems I can't remember. That's either a sign of a) relaxation b) fatigue c) senility. Here's hoping for a :-)
Ah, ok I remember a little. Uncle Bill's Pancake House - yum!!!!! Although we had a coffee creamer that manifested itself like a jellyfish in the coffee ( spoiled creamer) We were grossed out at first, and then it became a highlight of amusement. My dad kept saying it was better than a whale watching trip. He'd push the mucusey mass down in the cup and tell Christian to watch. He said it would do tricks and pop back up. Gotta love daddy. I can't believe that we were all watching and pushing it down on occasion. Cheap dates :-) Hmmmm, maybe you can't take the Hagerstown totally out of a person. :-z
Then 3 of us headed to the water. It was amazing !!!!! Boogie boards, waves crashing. It was very cool!!!!
Today I woke up at 0 dark hundred to catch that sunrise. Guess what I got???!! FOG!!!!! Grrrrr. Actually, I just laughed. I got back to sleep for a little while and then headed to the beach with a paper and read. It was chilly on the water but very nice to listen to the ocean.
Right now, it is almost 11:30 and the fog has still not burned off. We'll see what the day holds. May be a boat riding day. Here's hoping for a solar heat wave.
Still, it's great to be here.
Ah, ok I remember a little. Uncle Bill's Pancake House - yum!!!!! Although we had a coffee creamer that manifested itself like a jellyfish in the coffee ( spoiled creamer) We were grossed out at first, and then it became a highlight of amusement. My dad kept saying it was better than a whale watching trip. He'd push the mucusey mass down in the cup and tell Christian to watch. He said it would do tricks and pop back up. Gotta love daddy. I can't believe that we were all watching and pushing it down on occasion. Cheap dates :-) Hmmmm, maybe you can't take the Hagerstown totally out of a person. :-z
Then 3 of us headed to the water. It was amazing !!!!! Boogie boards, waves crashing. It was very cool!!!!
Today I woke up at 0 dark hundred to catch that sunrise. Guess what I got???!! FOG!!!!! Grrrrr. Actually, I just laughed. I got back to sleep for a little while and then headed to the beach with a paper and read. It was chilly on the water but very nice to listen to the ocean.
Right now, it is almost 11:30 and the fog has still not burned off. We'll see what the day holds. May be a boat riding day. Here's hoping for a solar heat wave.
Still, it's great to be here.
Wednesday, June 25, 2008
Another day
Yesterday, the beach was awesome. Sunny, big waves... very cool. The water....uh..... can you say "ice cube"? Oh my goodness. Your feet suffered hypothermia and forget about going into the water past your waist.... if you could even get that far. I have never felt water like that before. Brrrrrrr. It's a little warmer today, so hopefully the water may be as well.
Went to Cape May yesterday too. My mom and dad spent their honeymoon there, so it means a lot to them. I like it too, but I like OC a little better. A little more to do.... from my perspective anyway. In Cape May there is a VERY GOOD seafood restaurant called the Lobster House. We make a yearly pilgrimage and that was last night. Sooooo good.
Today, bike ride again. My family is a bunch of lumps :-) although I didn't manage to get up until 8 myself. A little warmer and more folks on the Boardwalk at that time. The beach access past the boardwalk is awesome. Never new about that before. Reminds me of another trip I took to NC.
I will have some pictures for viewing later. I just forgot to bring the "pictures from camera to computer" cable. There's a better name for that isn't there :-) ?
Time for breakfast :-).
Went to Cape May yesterday too. My mom and dad spent their honeymoon there, so it means a lot to them. I like it too, but I like OC a little better. A little more to do.... from my perspective anyway. In Cape May there is a VERY GOOD seafood restaurant called the Lobster House. We make a yearly pilgrimage and that was last night. Sooooo good.
Today, bike ride again. My family is a bunch of lumps :-) although I didn't manage to get up until 8 myself. A little warmer and more folks on the Boardwalk at that time. The beach access past the boardwalk is awesome. Never new about that before. Reminds me of another trip I took to NC.
I will have some pictures for viewing later. I just forgot to bring the "pictures from camera to computer" cable. There's a better name for that isn't there :-) ?
Time for breakfast :-).
Tuesday, June 24, 2008
May I live to become a morning person
We are experiencing a day of sun here at the beach. Heat... not so much, but clear skies and sun. I gave myself a few goals this time out. As I recall them :-) they are/were: 1) See a sunrise ( it's funny that someone taught me that I can't see a sunset here. I'm on the EAST coast. Yeah, I felt a little stupid) 2) Not sleep away my time at the beach. 3) Go bike riding 4) Ride a Sea-Doo ( working on that one) 5) Swim in the ocean ( did I mention the water is 60 degrees - Brrrrrr) 6) Take pictures.
This am, I got on a single bike as the rest of the crew was sleeping. It was AWESOME!!!!!! First of all, it is so flat here,you can ride for miles - literally, and not get super tired. I rode what adds up here to a total of 60 blocks ( no idea milage there). The sun was glistening off the water and I was jamming to my iPod and daydreaming to boot. It was great. Haven't decided whether to ride or walk/jog tomorrow. I'll wait till tomorrow to decide.
Well, I don't want to burn beach time at the computer either, so.... catch you later :-)
This am, I got on a single bike as the rest of the crew was sleeping. It was AWESOME!!!!!! First of all, it is so flat here,you can ride for miles - literally, and not get super tired. I rode what adds up here to a total of 60 blocks ( no idea milage there). The sun was glistening off the water and I was jamming to my iPod and daydreaming to boot. It was great. Haven't decided whether to ride or walk/jog tomorrow. I'll wait till tomorrow to decide.
Well, I don't want to burn beach time at the computer either, so.... catch you later :-)
Thursday, June 19, 2008
Dialogue of the town
2 quick stories....
My dad and sister took my son fishing at Pangborn Park. To everyone's surprize, he had a blast. He even almost caught one of those.... whatever kind of fish swim there. My mother and I caught up later after handling things at the "cell phone" store. Grrrr. Anyway, he gave me the rod to cast. Yeah...not for me. I sent bait flying, but no line. :-) I figured I was there to feed the fish, not catch them. Little guy kept saying," Mummy, that's not how you do it." and continued to narrate as he took the fishing pole from me and did it properly. It was very cute. Maybe time on the bay might be a good thing. Are there fish in the bay???
Anyway, as the title suggests, being home had made me appreciate the dialect of the town in which I was raised. Such words as "geturassoverher" and "amboolance", "winda" have made themselves heard many times. I am going to try and write them all down because, once you get over the trauma of it being your native tongue, it's really quite funny. This place really can be home of "King of the Hill" and that's ok.
Allrightseeya.
My dad and sister took my son fishing at Pangborn Park. To everyone's surprize, he had a blast. He even almost caught one of those.... whatever kind of fish swim there. My mother and I caught up later after handling things at the "cell phone" store. Grrrr. Anyway, he gave me the rod to cast. Yeah...not for me. I sent bait flying, but no line. :-) I figured I was there to feed the fish, not catch them. Little guy kept saying," Mummy, that's not how you do it." and continued to narrate as he took the fishing pole from me and did it properly. It was very cute. Maybe time on the bay might be a good thing. Are there fish in the bay???
Anyway, as the title suggests, being home had made me appreciate the dialect of the town in which I was raised. Such words as "geturassoverher" and "amboolance", "winda" have made themselves heard many times. I am going to try and write them all down because, once you get over the trauma of it being your native tongue, it's really quite funny. This place really can be home of "King of the Hill" and that's ok.
Allrightseeya.
Seek and you shall find... for better or worse
Sometimes, I think, people should quit while their ahead. You search long enough and you find out stuff you never thought.... or maybe didn't want to think, was true.
Crap, crap,crap.
Just running around on the computer and am finding things I wish maybe I hadn't. Damn these little rectangles. Damn nights of bad sleep. Damn mean people.
Although I am having a pretty good time, I wish I has planned my pilgrimage to the east later this year. I don't seem to want to be here right now, even when the people directly around are making it as pleasant as possible. Thanks for the fun yesterday, BTW. :-)
Can't help feeling it's time to "run away" and I need a new place to run to. I'll start that search when I get back to CO. Hopefully the beach proves a little more diverting.
And... good luck to all those who are having a WAY rougher time than me. I'm thinking about you and will help if you need or would take it.
Today, I meet with friends from the community band I used to play with for beer after their rehearsal. Oughta be fun. The last time we did that, my friend Brad and I ended up singing "Love Shack" w/ karaoke. We actually got applause. Missed our true calling, I guess.
My coffee is almost gone. Time to move on......
Friday, not sure yet. Sat, championship WII games. That should prove interesting......
Crap, crap,crap.
Just running around on the computer and am finding things I wish maybe I hadn't. Damn these little rectangles. Damn nights of bad sleep. Damn mean people.
Although I am having a pretty good time, I wish I has planned my pilgrimage to the east later this year. I don't seem to want to be here right now, even when the people directly around are making it as pleasant as possible. Thanks for the fun yesterday, BTW. :-)
Can't help feeling it's time to "run away" and I need a new place to run to. I'll start that search when I get back to CO. Hopefully the beach proves a little more diverting.
And... good luck to all those who are having a WAY rougher time than me. I'm thinking about you and will help if you need or would take it.
Today, I meet with friends from the community band I used to play with for beer after their rehearsal. Oughta be fun. The last time we did that, my friend Brad and I ended up singing "Love Shack" w/ karaoke. We actually got applause. Missed our true calling, I guess.
My coffee is almost gone. Time to move on......
Friday, not sure yet. Sat, championship WII games. That should prove interesting......
Monday, June 16, 2008
Dad's day and time in the "Bush"
For dad’s day we had my mom’s side of the family here at the house, and a friend of mine came to visit. First let me say that the weather was awesome these past few days. It was so nice to be outside. But the “aunts” were here. My mother is a triplet and the youngest of the 3. Her ‘older’ sisters are very loud and quite domineering. Poor mother looked like she was getting railroaded. Dad stayed safe and grilled ( great, Dad’s cooking on Father’s day ☹ ) But, mom doesn’t entertain masses often.. if ever.. so Bev and I helped her out. Like I said, in the last few years I have evolved into a little bit of a control freak, so I asked Bev if she knew what the plan was. There wasn’t one, so we organized a system and my friend graciously agreed to join the working force with us. We divided vegetable chopping, dish doing ( my folks don’t have a dishwasher ☺ ) burger making, paper product dispensing, food layout, etc for mom. We had a nice little thing going and mom was happy to know everything worked ( yippee) So although a get - together with the sisters can be an event, this one ran pretty nicely.. with some help.
Sleeping. Ok, I am a goddess of sleep. It’s not a trait I am always proud of, but it is one of those things I accept and take comfort, until now. My last nights here in the “line state” have been not overly restful. I can’t get to sleep. My brain is cranking about stuff I thought I had handled ( or handled as well as I could) and it is not satisfied. Crap. I try to keep busy during the day to preoccupy myself as well as poop myself out, but when then head hits the pillow, it is like a psunami that has been building waiting for me to stop. Not sure what to do about it, not sure if it will go away, but…. I sure hope it does.
Otherwise I am enjoying the conveniences I love in the Springs so much.... Panera and Starbucks ;-)
Sleeping. Ok, I am a goddess of sleep. It’s not a trait I am always proud of, but it is one of those things I accept and take comfort, until now. My last nights here in the “line state” have been not overly restful. I can’t get to sleep. My brain is cranking about stuff I thought I had handled ( or handled as well as I could) and it is not satisfied. Crap. I try to keep busy during the day to preoccupy myself as well as poop myself out, but when then head hits the pillow, it is like a psunami that has been building waiting for me to stop. Not sure what to do about it, not sure if it will go away, but…. I sure hope it does.
Otherwise I am enjoying the conveniences I love in the Springs so much.... Panera and Starbucks ;-)
Traveling times
Got into MD, well actually VA a few days ago. It was a fairly rough travel day as we left where we were staying at 3 am to get to the airport by 4/ 4:30 for a 6 am flight. At least the airport wasn’t crowded.
It was a 2 legged flight: first half from DIA to Dallas/Fort Worth. Can I just say I love that airport. It is very nice and accommodating…not to mention huge. We were there just long enough to eat and relax for a moment before the second flight to VA.
On the second flight little C actually slept ( he didn’t on #1) but he couldn’t get comfortable. His poor neck was bent and his body turned in ways I didn’t know people could as he slept. We couldn’t raise the arm rest all the way to be non obstructive, so even leaning on me wasn’t very comfortable. But, he did manage about 2 hours of shut eye.
When we landed, my dad and one of his friends were there to pick us up. My sister had been up almost 16 hours by this point and was very tired. I was no real Ms. Sunshine either, but little guy kept trucking. It was pretty humid, which I haven’t felt for a while, but at least there was a nice breeze. We loaded the car and proceeded on.We took a way that was different than what I am used to taking so we were in the car for a little over an hour before getting to Dad’s friends house where his car was. We then headed for my parents house.
Long day, but we made it.
It was a 2 legged flight: first half from DIA to Dallas/Fort Worth. Can I just say I love that airport. It is very nice and accommodating…not to mention huge. We were there just long enough to eat and relax for a moment before the second flight to VA.
On the second flight little C actually slept ( he didn’t on #1) but he couldn’t get comfortable. His poor neck was bent and his body turned in ways I didn’t know people could as he slept. We couldn’t raise the arm rest all the way to be non obstructive, so even leaning on me wasn’t very comfortable. But, he did manage about 2 hours of shut eye.
When we landed, my dad and one of his friends were there to pick us up. My sister had been up almost 16 hours by this point and was very tired. I was no real Ms. Sunshine either, but little guy kept trucking. It was pretty humid, which I haven’t felt for a while, but at least there was a nice breeze. We loaded the car and proceeded on.We took a way that was different than what I am used to taking so we were in the car for a little over an hour before getting to Dad’s friends house where his car was. We then headed for my parents house.
Long day, but we made it.
Thursday, June 12, 2008
Music list
I am at my sister's place after the day that never ends. Or maybe that should be during the day that never ends.
Cleaning and packing like crazy, banking, school, bank again, school to teach, lawyer, playdate, blah, blah, blah.
Anyway, here are some songs I like today :
1. Somewere Only We Know - can't remember
2. That Voice Again - Peter Gabriel
3. Turn to You - Melanie C
4. Pavane - Faure (classical)
5. Ready, Steady, GO - Paul Oakenfold (techno)
6. Dave Matthews - Almost everything he's ever done :-) I'm gonna
marry him in my next life.... or at least hook up with him. ;-)
2 great ones today - Grey Street & Typical Situation
That's it for today. I have a relatively long travel day tomorrow, so I'll share a favorite from the journey.
Cleaning and packing like crazy, banking, school, bank again, school to teach, lawyer, playdate, blah, blah, blah.
Anyway, here are some songs I like today :
1. Somewere Only We Know - can't remember
2. That Voice Again - Peter Gabriel
3. Turn to You - Melanie C
4. Pavane - Faure (classical)
5. Ready, Steady, GO - Paul Oakenfold (techno)
6. Dave Matthews - Almost everything he's ever done :-) I'm gonna
marry him in my next life.... or at least hook up with him. ;-)
2 great ones today - Grey Street & Typical Situation
That's it for today. I have a relatively long travel day tomorrow, so I'll share a favorite from the journey.
Monday, June 09, 2008
Game plan
So I head to the beach with my family soon.
Plan - either wake up early or ask for time after little boy's bedtime to walk the boardwalk and listen to the water. During the day, I am sure we will be moving sand, boogie boarding, playing badminton ( oooh. remember to pack the rackets and birdie), but I really want some quiet time this year. I can't wait to strap on the Ipod to my arm and walk. I really like going out on the beach early in the morning, but often can't get out of bed early enough for it to be cool ( figuratively or temperature) If you go out around 6:30 - 7:30 only the elderly early birds or the exercise nuts are out. It's sunny, but peaceful. And at night, if you wait long enough, the families go to bed and the moon might be out reflecting of the water, the wind is cold and the water sounds.... great. ( that description sucks, by the way) Sometimes at night it feels a little lonely as that is the best time I think, to be hand and hand with someone, or have their arm around you to keep you warm while looking at the ocean. Peaceful bonding, I guess. But if you just listen to the ocean, it has a power to relax and a smell that is unique but great.
My friend from work told me to try and be sure to feel like I took a vacation. :-) I hope this helps. To just take some time and run away.
That and riding the ferris wheel while gripping the side and pleading Christian not to rock the seat. ;-) Don't look down.... just don't look down.
Plan - either wake up early or ask for time after little boy's bedtime to walk the boardwalk and listen to the water. During the day, I am sure we will be moving sand, boogie boarding, playing badminton ( oooh. remember to pack the rackets and birdie), but I really want some quiet time this year. I can't wait to strap on the Ipod to my arm and walk. I really like going out on the beach early in the morning, but often can't get out of bed early enough for it to be cool ( figuratively or temperature) If you go out around 6:30 - 7:30 only the elderly early birds or the exercise nuts are out. It's sunny, but peaceful. And at night, if you wait long enough, the families go to bed and the moon might be out reflecting of the water, the wind is cold and the water sounds.... great. ( that description sucks, by the way) Sometimes at night it feels a little lonely as that is the best time I think, to be hand and hand with someone, or have their arm around you to keep you warm while looking at the ocean. Peaceful bonding, I guess. But if you just listen to the ocean, it has a power to relax and a smell that is unique but great.
My friend from work told me to try and be sure to feel like I took a vacation. :-) I hope this helps. To just take some time and run away.
That and riding the ferris wheel while gripping the side and pleading Christian not to rock the seat. ;-) Don't look down.... just don't look down.
Surround yourself with quality people
My sister came by tonight to watch short stuff while I went to a rehearsal. Short and sweet. We rehearsed for a fundraiser performance tomorrow night. One of those white collar eat and mingle events. Sometimes the people are so stuffy I don't like these things, but sometimes the food is pretty good. We'll see.
The conductor, I have determined is gay. He's still easy on the eyes, but he highlighed his hair in a funny way and... he ran , actually ran (... moved his legs quickly) a few steps in the rehearsal room and it made me laugh. He swaggers. He, he, he. That and his male counterpart on the last concert may have pushed that thought a little farther. I am not judging him at all, but the conclusion ( however correct or incorrect it is) makes me smile and say damn at the same time.
Anyway, the point of the story. My sis and I were talking about friends. She so misses hers from home, although one now lives in Texas. Some of them are coming out to visit in July and she is very excited for that. I too miss my friends from home, but not as much. My hometown friends and I have history, but we have such different perspectives on things, and seem to want different things and be heading different ways. I can't really say it well. I like their company very much, but they are all settled into their family thing ( which is great) and seem to be content with where they are socially or physically. We meet and we talk about what's going on, our kids, our jobs, our kids, etc. And then the well runs dry. There's nothing more to say. That's not true for all, but most. They are great, but we are not close. Maybe that's what comes with distance, but I kinda remember it being that way when I lived there too.
Here I have met a few wonderful people. They enjoy life. They talk, ya know, "talk" about stuff - ambition, feelings, hope, disappointment, family. Not all the time, but enough. And they share their "shit" too. They share their weaknesses, strengths, thoughts. I have one - two friends on the east coast who I miss dearly, but I have been fortunate enough to find a few very special people here. A few who I am close with, and a few who I just work with, but I see that they are quality people too. Don't misunderstand, there are a fair share of assholes here too, but a lot of good people.
My sister misses her friends. Denver may reap a different kind of person than here. I think I know other people who feel that way too. Perhaps there is a differentiation when people like to be alone
- People who are alone because they feel they have to be - no friends around
- People who choose to be alone, but know that their are friends around if they don't want to be
I understand that. I know that if my sister ever leaves, that will be the biggest test of my friends here. They will still be my friends if they fail that test, but that test may determine a part of my life. I will feel alone when she leaves. I know that. She is my best friend. But if my friends here can listen to me cry, hug me, talk with and distract me, then I will know that I am not alone. I just need to be sure that I am ready to provide for them when they need too.
I once read that one of the keys to a happy life is surrounding yourself with good people. I think most people are good on some level. But I know I prefer some over others. I hope to find many good people during my life. And I hope that I will become one too. :-)
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