Thunderbirds cont

Well, today was the day and up until about 1:30 it was VERY cloudy... hence no air show. They graciously flew by about 3 times, but with the cloud cover, I would have feared for their safety - never mind the fact that visibility sucked for those on the ground. So sorry, no pictures today. Maybe next year.

Thunderbirds

Just by luck, on an outing today, we got to see the practice of the US Air Force Thunderbirds for the upcoming USAFA graduation. This is definitely a perk for this area. There were 6 planes in the air, whooshing and roaring by and it was incredible. We sat in a lawn area off of I-25 for about 35 minutes watching ballet done by 6 multi-billion dollar aircrafts. It was so loud, so invigorating, so breathtaking, so AWESOME!!!

If I can manage, I'll try to get some pictures from Wednesday's ceremony, but no promises. If I can't, just watch Top Gun and turn up the TV too loud. It's not the real thing, but it'll get you close.

Men and women from outer space

So, many moons ago, my ex mother in law bought me "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus". During the time of my marriage, I never read it ( me being my stubborn mule of a self) Anyway, I just began it and so far can safely say that I am impressed. The first chapter is talking about communication and handling stress. Parts make me laugh because of it's blatant truth... or at least what I can relate to as truth. Men hide in caves and women talk for freedom. Ok, that is a FAR too small and unfair simplification, but... it's one of the ideas. It says that men seclude themselves to handle the larger problem at hand... to find a suitable solution. Women talk through theirs, going from situation to situation many times in a irrational chronology and rarely stating the underlying problem, so that they can feel cared for while thinking out their own problems. The author does such a better job elaborating on the scenarios, but reading it really made me smile with sympathy. How men and women cohabitate may be one of the natural wonders.

I'll keep you posted if there are any other astounding revelations.

My comfort comes in reading this book earlier wouldn't have changed anything. :-)

Just something funny that came over email

This is just proof that it pays to stay young at heart :-)

KIDS ARE QUICK

TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America.
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America?
CLASS: Maria.
____________________________________

TE ACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
__________ ________________________________
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
____________________________________________
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
__________________________________
TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
________________________ ________ _______
TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with 'I.'
MILLIE: I is..
TEACHER: No , Millie. .... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
_ __________ _ ______ _______________
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.
______________________________________

TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
______________________________

TEACHER: Clyde, your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
CLYDE: No, sir. It's the same dog.
________ ___________________________
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher

Too smart for that

Something was told to me yesterday that has resounded in my head today. A fellow teacher was talking about a senior and her plans for the future. She had mentioned a desire to become a teacher. In doing so, she also mentioned her father's comment to the idea sounding something like," Why do you want to be a teacher?? You are too smart for that?" In conclusion, the student shared that her direction of study has been redirected from teaching to another path.

Another day that same father thanked the teacher for their impact on his child's life?? Are you kidding me? The teacher responded in her head,"Yeah, aren't you glad a teacher who was Summa Cum Laude and accepted to Columbia University impacted your child?"

The gaul to imply that teachers are from a lesser god. There may be a "little" truth in the dictum," those who can't do, teach". But I believe there is a variation to that - "those who can't do, probably can't teach either". Teachers may not all be masters of their field, but many are. That alone doesn't make them a good teacher. They need not only a passion for their subject, but a passion for caring about and teaching students, teaching people. Everyone who has had schooling can differentiate between the teachers who knew little about their subject, the teachers who knew everything about their subject and couldn't teach it, and the teachers who knew their subject and cared about their students' world in addition to their success in their subject. You can tell the teacher who teaches for money and the teacher who teaches for effect. I can easily name at least 5 of the later. Thank you Mrs. Ecton, Mr. Gisriel, Ms. Bell, Mrs. Hendrickson, and Mr. Scherer.

"Too smart to be a teacher?" A better comment may have been "perhaps you should redirect your talents into a more lucrative career." That at least is true, but don't call teachers stupid. Self sacrificing, socially unrecognized, yes. Stupid, some, but don't classify the whole class. There are just as many stupid political scientists, engineers, doctors, and PhD'ers out there too, but they're just better paid for theirs. Teachers get to share their "stupidity" with all posterity.

I don't mean to self glorify, but I do mean to glorify the profession. Tell me how many other jobs that you have to act and sell your product to 12-20 people for 4-5 hours a day, plan 2-3 hours a day to do so, as well as staying informed and caring about the break-ups, suicide status, divorce rate, abusive home, learning disability, financial woes, and social traumas of those to whom your selling your product, not to mention satiating the 15-40 adults associated to them who all know how to better do your job, and the administrations which give you 15 hours of "professional development" responsibilities, overwhelming paperwork, and duties to perform in those hours in which you weren't doing all of the above. yeah, tell me how many people do this for $15 an hour. Who work 50-65 hours weeks and barely get paid for 40. I'll tell you how many, a lot.

No wonder the educational system in America has it's whoas. It's obviously a profession that we all rely on, yet is saved for the stupid.

The man who said that is "stupid" aka ignorant and self absorbed. I'm sure whatever he is doing is "greatly" impacting others at $40+ an hour. Just keep typing pally. Grrrrrrr.

You know you're a band nerd if...

Your action figures look like this...



Luke Skywalker, eat your heart out.

Day of possibility

Oh, this week seems to have been a grand rollercoaster. From professional events to personal ones I was kinda looking forward to this weekend. Yesterday was the capping ceremony for our seniors. It's the time that we read paragraphs about the graduating seniors... paragraphs written by staff members. And the seniors pick a person who they think contributed to their path during high school to place their cap on their head for the first time. This was a really special one for me ( as it is my third to attend) because I was chosen to cap one of my seniors. It came as a geniune surprise, but a truly flattering thing. Band people aren't highly sentimental anyway and the fact that this young man chose me to cap him is nothing short of the BIGGEST compliment I could be paid.

This is that senior, another student, the assistant band director and me at Elitches after a band competition:



After the ceremony, I went back to teach a few classes and then joined some friends for dinner and coffee. It was good.

At coffee, I was asked what I had planned for this weekend. I had forgotten that it is Memorial weekend. I guess everyone has something planned for Memorial day weekend. Well, everyone save me :-). I have some odds and ends to tie up, but nothing pressing. I was heading out to grab a drink and go for a walk when...the best I can say is.. my back went out. I'm too young for this, but it happens sometimes. About 7 years ago, when working, I was told that I lifted something heavier than I should have and that I herniated a disk. It's not dibilitating, except for times like now, when it hurts if you move incorrectly. I am sure this will pass, hopefully within a few hours as it is a very pretty day here, but we'll see. Drugs and staying still will hopefully do the trick here, and hopefully quickly.

Once my back is better, who knows. Anything is possible.

Great expectation - or no expectation

Have you ever had a task set before you and you didn't want to do it?? Yeah, well, that's why this entry exists. I am sitting at my desk avoiding the pressing duties of my job, because they aren't at critical mass yet and.... I don't feel like doing them. Strong rationale, I know. :-(

Anyway, the choir has just completed their final hurrah concert of the year. So much work went into it besides the rehearsal. Our tech guy has had surgery so he's out of commission and the choir takes this performance off site - doubling the amount of technological work needed to be done by non- technological people. Well, the directors and the kids started set up at 7:30 am the day before the concert. They then went to school and rehearsed at the performance site that evening. The next day they performed 2 shows and tore down with the evening concluding maybe close to 11-11:30pm.

Well today I visited the choir director's classroom/ office to congratulate my colleague on a job well done. I had seen the second show with my little guy and, due to trying to maintain a reasonable bedtime, we left before the show was over. So I go to her room only to find her crying. Never good.

She expressed that she was exhausted, which of course annihilates a female's emotional barometer. That and, in the flurry of set up, performing, and tear down, her student's failed to recognize her at the end of the concert. This is a HUGE deal as every year for the last 5 years, the graduating choir students come up on stage at the end of the concert and offer kind words and a gift of gratitude. They aren't prompted to do it, they just do. In fact, they created that precedent. Band kids didn't start that until last year and are still quite awkward at it. ( it's still pretty cool though :-) ) Choir folk are a little more sentimental/ touchy feely that way anyway. Band kids, a high five and a hand shake goes for miles. A hug is like monumental.

Anyway, no such demonstration occurred. Although it's not fair to expect such a display, a precedent had been set and the current seniors notably did not follow suit. She noticed this and is left to wonder why. Rational thought may be that there was too much to do to organize such a thing, or that they just forgot, or the worst scenario, they didn't want to. She doesn't want to be hurt by this, but.... how can she not be. She's human and has invested so much time and effort, and in her case, honest love for the well being of her students. She did all this without the expectation of acknowledgment yet it's absence is felt. What's worse is that other folk commented to her their notice of the absence of a thank you. So she partly insinuated that those people are saying that this class did not "like" her as well as her others. ( there's no real reason to think that) So not only did she notice it, but is was noticed, and worse yet commented on by others.

Being away from it, I can see maybe more than she can right now, but I still know what she is feeling. How do you keep from expecting?? People do what they do for whatever reasons lie within them, but how do you dismiss all need for gratitude, all want of the acknowledgment that someone gives a damn?? And even if it had been done every year for how many years, how do you not be hurt when it isn't once... or twice? Maybe this is how people feel when family forgets a birthday? Perhaps not the best comparison.

Is it really possible to try and have no expectation of others while you hold such great expectation of yourself? Is that even realistic ?? Or is it better just to not ever give a damn? Then what others do or don't do has no meaning..... right?

She'll get over it and I am confident her seniors will acknowledge the meaning of her work and care... of simply of "her" over the next few days. But, I wish they knew how the oversight or absence of intent hurt her now. She has invested so much into them. Time, energy, thought, concern, family invovlement, administrative intersession.....etc.

Oh, what they don't know.....

Tribute to Teachers

This came over school email and is soooo very true... Non teachers read and heed :-)

YOU might be a school employee if you believe the playground should be equipped with a Ritalin salt lick.

YOU might be a school employee if you want to slap the next person who says, 'Must be nice to work 8 to 3:30 and have
summers off.

YOU might be a school employee if it is difficult to name your own child because there's no name you can come up with that
doesn't bring high blood pressure as it is uttered.

YOU might be a school employee if you can tell it's a full moon or if it going to rain, snow, hail....anything!!! Without ever
looking outside.

YOU might be a school employee if you believe, 'shallow gene pool' should have its own box on a report card.

YOU might be a school employee if you believe that unspeakable evils will befall you if anyone says, 'Boy, the kids sure are
mellow today.'

YOU might be a school employee if when out in public, you feel the urge to snap your fingers at children you do not know
and correct their behavior.

YOU might be a school employee if you have no social life between August and June.

YOU might be a school employee if you think people should have a government permit before being allowed to reproduce.

YOU might be a school employee if you wonder how some parents MANAGED to reproduce.

YOU might be a school employee if you laugh uncontrollably when people refer to the staff room as the 'lounge.'

YOU might be a school employee if you encourage an obnoxious parent to check into charter schools or home schooling and
are willing to donate the UHAUL boxes should they decided to move out of district.

YOU might be a school employee if you think caffeine should be available in intravenous form.

YOU might be a school employee if you can't imagine how the ACLU could think that covering your students chair with
Velcro and then requiring uniforms made out of the corresponding Velcro could ever be misunderstood by the public.

YOU might be a school employee if meeting a child's parent instantly answers this question, 'Why is this kid like this?'

YOU might be a school employee if you would choose a mammogram over a parent conference.

YOU might be a school employee if you think someone should invent antibacterial pencils and crayons...and desks and chairs
for that matter!

YOU might be a school employee if the words 'I have college debt for this?' has ever come out of your mouth.

YOU might be a school employee if you know how many days, minutes, and seconds are left in the school year!

Change - the scary constant

So many things changing, so few brain cells to handle it with.

I thought moving out to Colorado was a big change for me, a big shift in direction, an open door to possibility. Currenlty, there are more big changes in the wind.

For me there is currently a scurry to buy a house. Whether it's a bad decision, good decision, or great decision I can't feel/tell and it's bugging the hell out of me. The market is good, maybe great, but the timing sucks. Me and timing. We are like .... ( can't think of a powerful analogy) we don't jive. That and although I KNOW I need to, settling down permanently has lost a little of its attraction. That and, I fear buying a house like getting married again. I REALLY don't want to get stuck with something that I don't adore. But, if you don't look, you may never find something you adore. And the longer you wait, you may wait yourself out of the possibility of getting something you do adore. Not enough down payment or too many wrinkles :-).

Today I checked out the eHarmony website. I am torn with intrigue and disgust. I never saw myself as needing to go online to meet someone, but I don't think I see myself anywhere specific right now. I wonder if I should have sucked up the bad things and tried to stay married or how long I can hold life together running single. I know I didn't see myself as a single mother because that itself, with all its joys, complicates other arenas significantly. That and I hope I don't get so desperate that I am willing to settle for something less than great due to desperation and fatigue. At this point I may be sold for the first guy that holds my hand without the immediate sign of a design to hold something else. :-) Almost like I may buy the house that I can afford that doesn't have holes in the wall, regardless of all it's other flaws.

The future is foggy at best. There are many feelings that I don't handle well and one of those is the feeling of being stuck. We'll see how all this goes. I don't want to get stuck in a house. I don't want to get stuck in an apartment. I don't want to get stuck in a relationship. I don't want to be stuck alone. Yet, at the moment, I am feeling a little.... stuck.

I need to take action on one or all of these things, but I think I'm going to hide in my work for a little bit. I seem to be needed there, I am fairly successful there, I am appreciated there, and although all plans don't come to fruition, I can psuedo-successfully plan there.

Leave things to chance or take a chance. Is it ever the "right" time or do you just do something and hope it was a good time to do so. And how do you say goodbye to a hope that something would be right??

There's a line that says that you can't hide from your problems, but you have to face them. What that saying fails to address is how do you prepare to face those problems, or do you just learn from the scrapes, scratches, and bruises you get as your problems beat the hell out of you. Is it that you err enough and use all the other bad choices before you try and find the right one?

There's a song lyric " Stand in the place where you live. Now face north, think about direction, wonder why you haven't before" What if you're thinking about it but your compass is spinning around like a merry-go-round? Close your eyes and walk or wait for the nausea to subside and go from there.

I don't know.

Events of late

In my efforts to;
a) do something constructive
b) procrastinate
I want to record some ideas.

If anyone reads this but me (which occasionally I hope the answer to that is no) you have learned that if you are searching for a straight progressive train of thought, it isn't here.

Stupid vs irresponsible. This was a discussion which I promised to think on. The argument made was stupid is singular in regards to effect and irresponsible is multiple. The two may not be totally synomous but are related or....( I know there is a great mathematical term here that I am not thinking of) linked ( that wasn't it). Can something be irresponsible without being stupid? I think I agree that the answer is no.

Guest speaker at school - Wow. This woman about my age or a year or two my elder, told a story of here fiancee getting his head blown off while an RA at his college, because he failed in successfully "ratting out" 2 druggies at his school. So they hunted him out in return. Her speech was to the student population was about choices concerning alcohol and drugs and why not to take part in either. As much as the story grieved and moved me, she said a thing or 2 that I didn't agree with.... perhaps because I choose to drink on occasion. I medically may be mistaken, but I think the problems with substance abuse ( most particularly alcohol) are recognition of personal weakness, personal accountability and responsibility, and education. Does Europe have the young adult problem with alcohol that we do in America? How do I get the answer to that?? If it wasn't a forbidden fruit and people could be educated on how to use it, maybe it wouldn't be so attractive. Yes, it does have some mind altering affects, but amount, type and time can all be figured on how to handle that.... if it is desired to be handled. To an addictive personality, it may be a very wise choice to never sample an addictive substance. Or to the person who doesn't like the smell or taste of it, they can never try it an be alright. But, I don't believe a person should be instructed of only the tragedy alcohol has caused without knowing the effects - pro and con of the substance and being able to sample and know how it might affect them should they choose to imbibe it. Lastly, have a plan. I do not endorse driving impaired, regardless of your driving record. Be in good, safe, trustworthy company in case you drink far beyond the point of sanity or consciousness. People who do that at large random parties or bars... I am sorry... get what they get.

Rehearsal last night....EE gad. This was not pretty. Our conductor was all but pissed, and he has every right to be. Our concert is this weekend and Monday night - not so good. He is an odd bird ( and I don't entirely mind admitting that I have a small attraction to him as he is peculiar in that "genius" sort of way) but... he needs to lighten up A LOT and he needs to be willing to admit that he can and does err too. That being said, he was fully in his right to blow a gasket last night as there were moments of major suckage for this level of group. People coming in at the wrong times, wrong notes, bad intonation..... just not pretty. The principal bassoon player suggested that we put the conductor on suicide watch as , being a rather tightly wound gentleman to begin with, he was battling some major anger issues and perhaps high blood pressure last night. If we were more friendly, I would have offered to buy him a drink as he sure needed one.... or 10.

What else?? Christian had a bloody nose tonight. A real gusher. This is a little bit of unfamiliar territory as I never have had a bloody nose. So, after getting it under control, I went online to see what can cause them. Nothing there that was surprising. The saddest part of the event was when Christian apologized for getting blood on his t-shirt and on the floor, as I'd get in trouble by the apartment people for getting blood on the floor. I told him not to worry over either. I cleaned the floor and washed the tee. Besides, if the shirt were stained, he'd practically outgrown it anyway.

I need to help this kid come out of his 40's and back to 8. But I love him :-)

I'm pushing not getting my 8 hours so I better stop here. Let's see what happens during the rest of the week/month/ whenever I type again.

O Magnum Mysterium

Can't sleep. This is not good as I'll probably be worthless tomorrow, but, that doesn't change the truth of the matter that I can't sleep.

Anyway, as i lay in bed, my heart pounding a little too fast for comfort, I keep hearing this piece in my head that I am rehearsing with my one ensemble. It is entitled " O Magnum Mysterium" by Morten Laurisden. It is a MAGNIFICENT work. A renaissance polyphonic work.... before the days of melody and harmony. All lines are melody. Basically whoever has moving notes is the most important at any one given time. The way that the lines interweave creating these POWERFUL moments of tension and release is just....... amazing.

It was originally written as a choral work in Latin ( which I, in all honestly, have not translated). It is a sacred work, but don't let that chase you away. In order to really feel its power you have to hear it performed by voice. The way the voices intertwine is most purely represented by the human voice.

The instrumental transcription is very well done and very challenging for any players, but very much so for high schoolers. The students are doing fabulously, but the obstacle is getting them to feel it.... experience it.... not play it. I wish I knew how to attach sound clips as I have several recordings, but please let me solicit you to look them up. ( or if someone wants to send a quick tutorial, I'll attach them)

The opening statement is like a plea made by the French horn and saxophone. The sentiment is then sympathized with by the clarinet and flute. There is a pause and a stronger statement of the same plea is made again by the sax and horn and continued on for a short time. Because the statements are so brief the power of the tension created by the dissonances reaching for a consonant resolution, regardless of how brief is just ........ aaaahhh, indescribable. There are times that the instruments need to sound like an angel taking the back of their hand and lightly brushing a persons cheek in an offer of comfort or a time when the all the sounds come forcefully together to show beams of brillant light bursting through a thick of storm clouds to just consume the skies with light. And then from all this excitement, in seconds to return to a sense of peace and tranquility, of quiet hope and comfort. Amazing. There are so many of such moments in this piece, but the kids I think still just see notes, not moments, not pictures.

Notes on a page to experience. How do you teach that? Music is aural representation of sight, feeling, experience, emotion. It's not first valve. Yet it is a concept that I learn and relearn, live and relive everyday. Some music connects with you like a pleasant touch or a familiar friend. You feel it and know it. And then there is the music that touches you, but instead like sandpaper as toliet paper. Yet, that music meant as much to the writer as the other, but _you_ just don't respond to it the same. It's so much more than sound.

When I can get someone to "feel" the music, to experience whatever movie or sensation the sounds elicit from them, then they have learned.

Listen to this piece "O Magnum Mysterium". It is as it's title infers. I think I'll play in on iTunes to take the burden off my head.

So many thoughts, so little organization

So, what does one do when they've knocked their sleep cycle out of order and have watched so much television, you believe life is a sitcom? For me, you think 20 thoughts simultaneously and wonder what to do with any one of them. In the idea that I might follow up on one, or heaven forbid, all of these, let me ramble what some of them were.

#1 - What are my goals? People ask this of themselves sometimes, right? I mean, you read it in self help articles all the time, but... what do people answer this question with? If someone were to ask me this right now, I'd probably respond with a profound "I dunno". I want to be a good person, whatever that is worth. I want to be a good mother, and a good role model, but I have to admit that I am not totally sure what that looks like all the time. I want to be a good teacher, but there are days that I am not even sure I want to teach anymore. I don't know whether that is because I don't think that I am doing it well, or because I have done it now and I am "over it". If I am over it, can I become into it again?? Can that happen with life in general.... or with people? I mean, is that way relationships and friendships wane? So people just get burnt out of other people ??

#2 - I'm looking for something, but can't lay my finger exactly on what. I am so jealous of people who seem to have a fire up their ass for things or causes that I personally couldn't care less for. But these people are so focused and driven. How did that happen? Do they get such pleasure and joy from what they are doing that all else on meaningless? Or are they avoiding things that maybe they can't handle so they consume themselves in things they can? I think I am in a little rut, and am not sure what action I am going to take to move from it. I have had lots of ideas, from fair and reasonable to, wow... who the hell are you and you'd never do that if it could be associated back to you. ( watching a little too much Sex in the City :-) ) How do you balance a desire for adventure with reality and responsibilty?

#3 How important is it to be in a relationship? I have no idea. There are times I am like, Yeeha -let's get that going, to the other times that I am like, Yeah..... no. I have my ideas, but maybe they are what's in the way. Besides, who has time to go looking for a relationship? And when you find one, how much time and energy do you commit to it? How do people really get to know people anyway. Anyone who thinks they no me and haven't hung out with me and little C doesn't know jack. And what do you do....wear a pin stating single mother of one, never home, loves music, slightly neurotic, loves to go out, will never be a size 8 and doesn't like Indian food ( mostly)? I mean really, let's save the trouble. Get all the cons out there and see of there are any takers. All women should put themselves out there with no makeup even. Then you at least see the real external picture. Makeup and push up bras are for the hope, not the reality.

Christian keeps asking when I am going to get remarried. Is that normal for an 8 year old. It's more a response I would have expected from an overly instrusive mother. My mother isn't very hands on in that catagory..... thank God.

My battery is about to die, so I'll publish this and see if I am moved to work further tomorrow. I'd make it a goal, but, let's face it, these ramblings are for me. If someone I didn't know could offer the answers to these things, then rock on. Otherwise, it's self assessment on the internet.

Why do I do this again????

So this is how it rolls

Plus, I slept a LIFETIME today and I do feel a bit better. Negative, the doctor says I should expect to feel less than great for sometime. Ughh. These breathing issues will be with me for a while, but they say they will get better. I am just to try to sleep and move the gunk as much as possible during the day. I think I am going to open a personals page and put that on the description... "hot single mom ( due to accoassional fever) that may cough often to move her gunk" Man, I should be busy.

Anyway, I guess I need to accept that my immune system has been pummeled and I need time for it to reload. I'll see how that plays out. Soon I'll be jogging a the Garden of the Gods, but right now, I'll hang with my friends with their oxygen tanks :-).

I am glad to be off the steriods soon as I think they are not a good match for me. I think they even may make me a little depressed. That's not cool.

So, there's the lastest health report. Today, I sign a renewal of my lease and tomorrow, it is off to the DMV to get my plates registered. There's an uplifting thought. Not the ideal way to conclude spring break, but..... could have been worse.

For today's viewing pleasure it had been Shawshank Redemption and The Princess Bride. Better than yesterday's fair.

This is the cold that never ends

So, here it is a week and a half after I "offically" got sick and..... and I am still sick. This one is rough. Doctor visits on Tuesday and Thursday earned me steriods, an inhaler, and pnemonia antibiotic. A hospital visit this past Tuesday ( or was it Monday) got me another inhaler and cough syrup with codiene. Now, I am irritable, exhausted all the time yet can't sleep, and I still wheeze. As of this very moment, I am not a fan of the medical institution. I head to the doctor's again tomorrow morning and then hopefully to a pulmenologist. I'm just ready to feel better.

The doctor took bloodwork which says something about mono reactivating. I had that the summer before my senior year. It was the first time I had ever been to a hospital. I don't remember much of the experience save I was there for a few days, watched a lot of cartoons, and asked my boyfriend at the time to bring me deoderant. ( I never was much the traditionalist). I had to leave a summer music camp I was attending for the mono. We just didn't know that I had mono then. Just that I was super tired and puking a lot.

This time, no puking, although I'd be game. Rather just exhaustion and wheezing. The wheezing is better, but it really stinks to hear yourself gurgle after climbing a set of stairs. :-(

Today, I took my son to see "Horton Hears a Who" which is definately a red box rental. The book is far superior.... and that just seems sad to say when it is Dr. Suess. Anyway, I feel asleep during the 88 minute marvel. That's just sad.

That and I HATE steroids. I remember the first time I took them after a cold in West Virginia. They made me like super woman and I cleaned our whole half house, from scrubbing the kitchen and bathroom floors to waxing the living room ones. This time, they haven't been all that great.

They are telling me to take them as they supposedly have anti-inflamatory effects. What they do have is emotional altering affects. I can be bitchy by self nature, but these pills take away almost all tolerance. I have snapped at my son for the stupidest things. I almost wanted to destroy a letter or something like it when it wasn't where I has thought it to be. I get angry when there is nothing on TV and I can't sleep. So angry I grind my teeth and like.... seeth. I really do not like this medicine and am anxious to come off of it.

Tomorrow, at the doctors, I just want some acknowledgement that something is still not right. Well, that and more antibiotics. It is scary that on Monday I need to return to work, from 7:30-4:00 and then a rehearsal from 7:30 to 10 to be followed by a 7:00am rehearsal on Tuesday. How am I supposed to do that when I can't make it through "Horton" ? I am scared. I am preparing 3 groups for festival and already took off 3 days. I can't take anymore days ( well I can if I have too, but I REALLY DON"T want to). We ( the kids and me) need to work, and I need to find the energy to work. It's such a pisser not to be able to do the things you think you're supposed to be able to do.

Right now, I am exhausted, but my stomach is upset and I can't sleep. So here I am with my laptop watching "The Music Man". I was hoping me tale could bore me to sleep. Eh, might have worked :-)

Here's hoping.........

Easter adventures

Happy Easter. Whatever your personal religious convictions, hopefully something nice has come of today for you.

We just finished coloring easter eggs at my place. I've always enjoyed doing that... although I don't always enjoy eating all the eggs after the fact :-) Sometimes a little egg salad goes a long way.

A little story - My son called me yesterday to let me know that he would be staying at his grandparents house for the evening. He then asked what time I would pick him up. I told him and then, being a planner, he wanted to know what his day would be like when he got home. I told him we would color easter eggs. He was very excited to hear that. After a small time had passed he very smartly asked," But what eggs are the Easter Bunny going to hide?" Hmmmm. I slyly answer that I was pretty sure that the EB had a stash of his own. He conceeded that idea, thank goodness.

So, we hunted plastic eggs and colored real ones. Thank goodness for Target.

Do you remember hunting for eggs when you were younger? Heck, I'd still do it now. I loved going to a big park with a basket, or through a large building running around scouring for colored eggs. We did this with various groups and, of course through church. I'm pretty sure some kids from my neighborhood got together to do this too, at least a few times. It was so fun, and the candy,and sometimes money, made it even more fun.

Why would people not do this?? I can't understand.

Today it is my son, my aunt, my sister and me. Actually it's just me now as the others went to run some errands. I was hoping to write something great, but I'm pretty sure I am just rambling now. I'll do more of that, I'm sure.

So, Happy Easter. Hopefully everyone gets to find something they were looking for. And if you're looking for egg salad, I'll have some to spare.

Finally feeling human

So, it's been 3 months since my last post. Glad I don't get paid to write these.

It's the Satuday before Easter and the first day I have felt even a bit alive in the past....4 days. I have been what I consider overly tired for about the last month or so, but I figured that to be work and life related. Tuesday night, at a rehearsal, I began feeling achey, so I suspected I was about to get the flu. Wednesday I went to the doc and the flu test came back negative. He sent me home with an inhaler and steriods. I thought there might be a chance of a stort lived ick. Friday things still continued to stink so I went back and he told me I have pnemonia.

For the record this is my second bout with pnemonia this year. The last time, fittingly, was Christmas break. This time, Easter.

Felt a little bit the same... except for the achy part, so I knew I had to go back for the second doctor visit. These versions seem hard for them to diagnose because both times, I never ran a rediculous fever or ( not to be too gross) brought up colored crap. The story is that it's not bacterial, but viral. I guess that makes it not visible on a chest X-ray, but it's audible... with or without a stethescope sadly.

This time was rough, and I am hoping it to be over soon. Wednesday annihilated me and I woke in the morning crying. I felt worse than I had in a long time. That got even worse yet as my temporary break down made my son cry too. Way to add insult to injury.

Anyway, my friends from work were my life line. One brought me cough syrup and some vitamin packets and the other... well, she taught my classes :-).

I think one of the things I had time to sleep and think about was how much I miss being at my parents house when I am ill.... really ill, I mean. I remember when my mom would bring me hot or cold washcloths (case depending) and bring me food or water. I remember my dad bringing me a hot tea or popcicle. When I was married, my husband never did any of those things, but at least there was another body in the house in case something really bad happened. This is the first time I was really freaked out about being on my own.

I was like a lump for a long time. It hurt to breathe and so I didn't have energy to do anything. Forget laundry or cleaning the bathroom. Getting up to make a tea or toast was brutal. I slept or sat more than I care to admit. I know I was fine... that I am fine ( considering this is the first time I felt the desire to do anything but watch crappy movies) but it's scary to think how you are going to handle all the things that need to be handled. And handle them alone.

Can't say I've really had to to that. My sister agreed to pick up the little guys' Easter basket and goodies for me. I'll pay her of course. Nonetheless I'm really grateful she did that, so Christian wouldn't just get the crap that was closest to the entrance. I things got really bad, his father or grandparents could keep him ( as they did these past 4 days), but that just makes me feel futlile, that I can't do what I am supposed to be able to do. So frustrating.

My aunt just came in from VA and that is always an adventure. She is a 60 something and never married. She's "eccentric" but she's made it on her own this long and still kicking. Although she can make me postal, I think it was good for me to see her now to remember that. It can be done. But, I think I'll tweak the process a little.

I guess being real sick just makes me feel impotent.... helpless and makes me think about the future. Will it always be like this? What do other single people do ?? What do their friends do? Who do you call?? Do you push till you reach the hospital?? At least there, you are taken care of, I guess.

I'll tough it out and keep taking my drugs, but I can't help but hope that someday there might be someone around to bring me a hot cup of tea and wipe my head with a washcloth. Can I pay someone to do that ??? ;-)

I know..... what a baby. :-)

Till death do us part

Today was a tough day. It was my first time at the Air Force Academy Chapel, but unfortunately, it was for a funeral. A coworker of mine just lost her sister and her 2 year old nephew. The news of it was devastating but the funeral brought it all way closer. The service was at 10am. The parking lot is about a little more than a tenth of a mile from the church and the temperature at the time was -2.

When I reached the church, it was warm. There were so many people. at least 400. Some ordinary folks and many service men and women. They had just folded the flag and were taking it from the church when I had gotten there, as I had arrived a little late. At the front of the church, there was the risen pulpit on the left and the first piece that made me lose it; a large picture of the young boy's face and another of the mother with her son. She was a beautiful woman and the boy was so very cute... and so very small. An Uncle spoke first and he did a remarkable job both with his words and composure. Another niece spoke next. We they sang as a congregation " Jesus Loves Me" in memory of the little boy. Needless to say, I could not find any voice to sing with as I was choking back my tears too hard.

There was a car accident in Memphis. I am not privy to all the details, but I know a tracter trailer hit the car. The mother and son were killed on the spot and the 7 year old was in a coma for about 2 days. The husband remained conscious but the extent of his injuries are unknown to me.

The service continued and it was very lovely. The pallbearers then carried the coffins out. It was so hard to see the mother's coffin carried out, but it was near unbearable to see the small one of the little boy. They were followed by the husband, who looked in shock and was still in a neckbrace, and their daughter of 7 who was very pretty in her dress and also looked barely alive. I then saw my coworker who only made eye contact briefly and then resumed her attention to the floor holding her husband alongside for support.

This service touched, or rather hit, me so hard. I could not imagine losing my sister, although I know that it is possible everyday. I could not imagine burying my son. I cannot imagine being seven and knowing I was in the car with my mommy and then fell asleep for mommy not to be there anymore. I cannot imagine being a daddy and having to hold it together so that my 7 year old daughter can make it through.

I don't know what hurts so bad, the fear, the possibilty, the sorrow for my coworker who has suddenly lost a beloved sister and nephew, the helplessness of not knowing what to do - but I know it hurts.

It's sad that it sometimes takes times like this to remind me to say " I love you" or "I'm sorry" or "thank you" to all those people who make a day....good. I forces me to remember all the many people I take for granted, forgetting that they may not be there tomorrow.

And, although I am not outspoken on my convictions, I remember in these times that I need a God. Existentalism ( although at times very attractive) is not a permanent option for me. All things cannot be futile/ without purpose and I need to believe that someone cares, that someone will listen, that someone has a reason and a purpose for those things that I cannot explain. I need a God to hope that there is a greater purpose and good for things. I need to believe this so that someone can take care of my coworker and help her heal as no man can alone. I don't need for everyone else to need a God, but I cannot reject the simple fact that I need one.

May I have my family and friends for a very long time, and if I ever don't, may I have the strength to allow me not to.

2 thoughts from dinner

Tonight I ate dinner with a coworker of mine and her husband. It was a first, but very fun. These are 2 older, highly educated people with ton of life experience.

Christian couldn't attend as he was at a sleepover, but wrote the mister a note apologizing for not being there. The mister then wrote him a raincheck for the hike he was going to take little C on. How cute.

Although altogether it really was a great time, there are 2 main things I left with:

#1 - People who love children and, more importantly your child/children, are people who win their way into your heart
#2 - The mister gave me a quote that I need to remember, "There's no glory in practice, but without practice, there is no glory"

What a great "band' quote, but we were talking about cooking a the time :-).

Great people, great evening.

It's about acceptance

As I continue this thinking on realtionship trail, I find myself getting frustrated. Shocker. Anything that takes me more than 1 day to figure out, I get a little frustrated with and, lets face it, people have been attempting to figure relationships out for centuries. I don't think we have come much further than where we started. I also don't see it realistic that I come up with any conclsive decisions within 48hrs.

I have come to this one decision before, and I find myself arriving at it again. In order to have any sort of relationship with a person you need to accept who you are and who they are. That sounds so elementary, but it can be harder than it sounds.

Let me take my friend over on the Eastern shore as an example. This person had fought and is fighting personal struggles that I can't even imagine, but I can't be there to help. Even if I were there, I can't help all that much becuase many of these struggles are internal. But I love that person and would do anything for them. They know that I am not made of $$ any can't fly out to be with them but we see each other when we can. They know that I am notorious for reading email and not always responding if I think my response needs to be more than a brief reply that I can write in a minute. They could get mad at me for that,but instead, they understand it and joke about it, and if it's something they really want a reply on they ask again and say so. They accept my faults. And I accept theirs. And they send me a ton of forwarded jokes :-)

One of my friends locally is a control freak and hates to be wrong. There are times I call them on it and there are times I let it go. But I know this trait and I accept that it is a part of them. But I also know that this person is one of the most reflective, insightful, thoughtful and caring people I have ever met. And they think that I am a very passionate, fun, and youthful person. ( I hope that's good) The relationship is worth the work of gettting frustrated on occassion and biting my tongue. It's also nice that it can withstand an arguement when there needs to be one. I make them laugh and they help me tow the line.. and sometimes find it when I seem to have lost it.

As for another friend here, sure they never call or initiate an invite. Why? I don't know and I don't think they'd say. But, while a part of me says that's a little insulting, another part recognizes that maybe that trait is just them and I need to accept that. If I want to spend time with them, I'll ask and that's where it ends. It may be more work from time to time, but at least it is consistent. And I decide whether I want to expend the effort. I sometimes get very helpful information on matters on which I know little and challenged on ideas/values/perspectives I never previously questioned. I have no idea what they get.

My point is I guess we need to make conscious decisions based on "what's there" versus what we'd like to be there. To close with the jeans anaolgy - you need to like how you feel in them. If you are a size 8 and you love your size 6 jeans, you'll accept the fact that they are tight around the waste and may not be the perfect length, but you love the way they feel and the way they flatter your caboose, therefore the trade is worth it. Or, you say, my size 6's are for certain occassions, and you have size 8's and 10's also in your closet. Not all fit perfectly, but each has a reason you like them and you tolerate ( or accept) what you don't. I guess everyone hopes to find the "perfect pair", but sometimes you have to live with what's available and what you can afford.

And, another complicating factor is that bodies change, for better and for worse.

Just because you used to adore those size 6's doesn't mean you will forever. Or perhaps the reasons you contnue to liek them may change. Maybe you'll become bigger and they'll have a death hold on you, or maybe, where they were once tight, you loose weight over time, and now, they are just comfortable.

The thing that matters is, do you still like yourself when your in them?

I think _that_ will be my defining meaning of relationship. The ones you like yourself in, the ones that make you feel good about yourself or about anything, those are the ones you work for. The ones that make you a better person, a smarter person, a more caring person....those are the ones you try to keep for a lifetime.

The ones that consistently tear you down and make you hate the world, those are the ones you give to Goodwill.