Life is like vegetable soup - it's all in the bowl

Let's recap the last several days - the good, the bad and the ugly. An honor band happened this past weekend. This is where students from all over come together to create an ensemble and perform together. Pretty legit experience. In fact, it was those that made me want to be a part of the music scene really. There's nothing like being led and particpating with excellence to meet a common goal. Directors hang during this event: set up rehearsal rooms, lead sectionals, meet with each other and the conductors, solve problems, all the cool and crap that comes with the gig. It's great because we get to see each other, which oddly enough, is hard to do when we are all busy running our own programs. The first large rehearsal began with a student being taught how to lead a tuning sequence in front of the ensemble. In a strange turn of event, she "fainted" and fell 5 feet off the stage. I found out about this after the fact as I was in another rehearsal room. The other directors were great! Some were called to begin emergency treatment, the host director called their principal and got the school PT, another called 911 and the student's teacher called the parents of the student. Those remaining ( as there were over 20 of us) supervised the students who had to be relocated until the EMT's came. It was scary!! That poor student! The students who saw it happen. The visiting clinician. But, everyone handled it with such grace, and as a team in concert. Being a part of this special community came to the fore so much in that moment. I don't always love my job, but in that moment, I sure loved my colleagues, my people. Then, We had to determine if we were going to continue with the event, not due to that accident, but rather due to weather. The temps were low and snow was on and off. Some schools, or their AD's, cancelled sporting events or after school events, but no one here owns perforfming arts, so it was left to us directors to decide, and on our heads the result. We decided to continue, altered our times and counseled families and students to travel cautiously. In the end, it all worked out. I still don't know if I appreciate that autonomy or am pissed about it. If I knew admin had our backs, I'd be all for it, but I don't believe that. And it bothers me that governing agencies and AD's make calls about sports, but leave performing arts events to fend for themselves. I'll talk to my AD about that next week. On teh 2nd morning, I walked out to my car to find a flat - in snow and temps in the low 10s. Yeah,I wasn't changing that tire. I activated the phone tree and got a ride from one of my fellow directors. I was so greatful. I also got a ride home from another director. Again, go team! The following day, a spouse of a fellow director helped my put my spare on and made sure I got to the tire store safely. So happy to have these people in my life. Among these people we have had 3 parents pass, a husband who had a heart attack, a daughter's wedding to be planned in 4 months, various health issues, and a bunch of other life. Just goes to prove, eveyone's got stuff going on - and you never know until they share. I had a student in one of my ensembles suffer a full on panic attack in rehearsal yesterday. And they started to say how they didn't belong in that ensemble, that they were bringing the group down and that the band would be better without them. This student is one of the most diligent and hard working students I have ever worked with and is rediculously gifted. We navigated this and their friends were brilliant and loving, but it was wrenching to hear this student speak these things. I know how wrong that perception was, but the thing that hurt the most was knowing "their" perception was their reality - even if just in that moment. The heartache is/was so real. Oh, and I also got a text from a former student doing their student teaching that they had been cursed out by a kindergartner! KINDERGARTNER!!! I'm so glad they shared, but damn.... that's just nuts. Can't wait to hear more about what they did/ how they reacted after. And this is just a sampling of the 4 day work week, that isn't even over. Add this to this unsettled business I'm still trying to settle. Obsess much? But.... I can't just put it aside. Why??? I mean really... WHY ?? Logic should make this stupid simple, but I don't like the answer logic gives me. Can't logic just shout louder or ..... ugh, I don't know. I wrote another email. Yup, another one. Thank God for draft folders. I reached a conclusion that I'm not going to feel bad for caring. I refuse. Yeah, sometimes I'm intrusive, annoying, blunt, tactless, whatever. I try to be mindful of this, but I fail sometimes. But, I care, damn it. I want to know how my people are. I can't keep track of all those I'd like to, so I use FB, instagram, brief messaging, word of mouth, whatever else, to know. If I have a chance, I want to hear directly from the person, but I know that's not always practical,or possible. Damn reciprocity. But, I care. I won't allow anyone to convince me to feel badly about that. But, if in that desire I make someone uncomfortable, if my caring or its manifest is unfamiliar or unwanted, that's where the bad feelings chime in. That's not my intent or desire, but I fear it happens. Until I'm told, I don't actually know that I'm creating that scenario for another, but I don't want to even think I create a place where others to feel that way. Can I know in silence? NO!! So, am I borrowing trouble in thinking that I'm creating that scenario? Is silence a passive but clear dismissal? Is it unfair to ask? Is it an unfair expectation for a response or clarity? Then, if I want information, or limits, or just to know I'm understood, and continue to communicate to that silent wall, I know I perpetuate the problem. Man, I hate that. In the last 5 years, one thing that has become clearer is that there are no givens. Tomorrow really isn't a promise and I don't want to waste time doing things that don't make my life or other's lives a little better. That seems good. When it's hard to know what is right, maybe it's better to focus on what is good? Send that email or not? Yeah, I'll let that marinade for another day... or week.... year... or delete and try to ignore/forget. (I'm not a fan of that last strategy, as it always seems to come back around. Damn social/psychological boomerang) Guess we will see.

4 am - Am I a narcissist?

This writing thing may not be the solution I had hoped. I wrote last night. Wanted to write about a few things really, but was more tired to be productive. Had more thoughts reagrding my unsettled situation and wanted to text to apologize. Again. Then thought writing nothing was better as that's what I have been met with. Went to bed. It's important to know that I LOVE sleep! I mean adore it. It's my peace, my think zone, my imagination space - oh, it's all the things. I love it! So, when my brain wakes me at 3:30am, this pisses me off. I do what so many people do, I open FB and check out the scene. What comes up? Posts on narcissism. Oh geez. So now, I wonder, am I a narcissist? I don't want to be.( at this moment I am reading how many times I have written "I") Well, damn it. I'll keep mindful of this. I truly don't want this attribute. Can I identify one? I mean, can I see what is or do I change perception to what I want it to be? I know selfish people. I know people who have selfish tendancies. I know I can be selfish. But that doesn't make one narcissistic, does it? Self care is such a catch phrase currently, but where does the line between self care and self adoration fall? I was raised by a care taker. Not just a parent but a person who defined themselves by their ability and their need to take care of people. This has taken some place in me. It can be burdesome to be needed, but,it can be nice to be wanted/needed as well. For me, I think it is necessary. Note to self - explore Yin/yang and read "A Purpose Driven Life" In this desire to be wanted, how do you offer yourself without beating people with your avaialibility? Or, how do you fill that desire yourself when you are not needed or wanted? I think part of that question extends to the parent with adult children. Your role changes - how does one naviagte that? How much do you share and how much do you keep to yourself? This thought of hope came up too. One post said that the biggest weapon again a narcissist was silence. Well, double damn. That is what what is hurtung me right now. Is that true? Does that make me a narcissist? I don't want to know things to have any control over another. I want to be a help, a burden sharer, an assist in processing, a sounding board, a friend. I desire mutual exchange. I want to be recognized, in some capacity as a person. I guess, I want to have a value so as to not be so easily dismissed. Is that wanting too much? ( no sarcasm in that question) Is that being a narcissist? When needs/wants/ expectations aren't met, is the proper course of action to cease and desist? Cut and run? Cauterize the relationship? I don't want to. I don't think I ever want to take that course of action. My ex made that choice a little easier as I lost signifigant respect for them via a multitude of, what I considered to be, really poor decisions. That and, they made decisions that affected so many without counsel or consult. Once again, lack of communication harmed things. But, if he ever reached out, I would be accessible.... to a point. I don't want to be a narcissist. I really want to be a good person ( mentally, spiritually, socially - physically may need more attention) and really don't like that feeling that I have done something not kosher. I'll keep exploring this. But, it's time to get ready for work. May sleep come better this evening!!! Fingers crossed. Next topic - hope: blessing or curse.

Musings - talking to air

outine form: Midlife crisis? If the median age is 70/76, I am past midlife, so I'll go with no. Seeking purpose and direction - thinking I'll go more with that. Still bothered by interaction/lack thereof with an idividual. No logical reason for this. None. But, there it remains, and I am ricocheted between feelings of annoyance, anger, want, sympathy, questioning, denial, and maybe others I don't have words for. It's like an emotion vegetable soup. And, I have limited spirit, energy or ability to address this. UGH!!!!! I hate this. I would like to believe that I am not doing this to myself - I am actively trying not to, so I think. But the dissonance, the lack of resolution ( or maybe a resolution I desire) is wearing on me. And.... to think I allowed myself to get into this place. Damn it. It looks as if this interface is pretty quiet so, I've decided to write here, for now. I actually had taken a step away from writing as it sometimes strains my eyes and, as in other things, I can suffer from analysis paralysis - if it's not "right" or perfect, it's shit. So better to terminate. The irony is I teach others to perservere through that. Today, I am going to talk to that person, to see where this stream dies or branches into so many off shoots I can't keep track of.( The later seems more probable) And, I have set a time limit on this for myself, as I have other things to do. If anyone reads these, I thought that might help you be aware: Notes: I want to know about my people, especially certain ones, and their proximity or ease to reach matters. I recently wrote I have been blessed to cross paths with many people over my life. How to keep a pulse or track on them all is quite energy conuming and I fail often. For many of my high school friends, it is only through FB or chance interactions that I know of or about them at all ( there are a few I need to work to do better on that this year). Many of them have people in their lives, spouses, children or both. Some do not. I guess if I think or have an idea with some sort of proof they are ok, I'm ok. I'm fully aware that FB doesn't offer a great "reality" status check,but recently, I sometimes wonder if in person does either. Regardless, the hint or smattering of them gives me some comfort. You, I have little to no idea about. That may be by design, which hurts to acknowledge, but it's a possible if not probable reality. I'm sure hearing that you didn't want me to know or have contact directly from you would cut me to the quick ( A+ for antiquated colloquialism) but, it would end the wondering, right? One of those "damned if you do, damned if you don't" situations. "Knowing" can go 2 directions for me, one being entirely selfish and one being more altuistic. Selfishly, I want to know becuase I want to know. You have always been fascinating to me (and lets take any weird, romantic translations out of this, as I know where you stand there). You are one of the most intelligent people I have ever met. Maybe not totally socially intelligent, or youre simply a master manipulator, I don't know ( wow, there's a compliment in here, I swear) but you are a pragmatic, analytical thinker at a speed and ease that impresses me - and seems to be my total opposiste. You see things through a lens I don't have and I like seeing what you see, when you allow it - and hearing how you process and think. I really don't like that that opportunity for understanding or learning is so close, yet out of reach. You enjoy things a little foreign to me, and I like hearing about that too. You are "alone" like me (maybe) - a concept you seem to be far more comfortable than I am and I want to know how you do that too. I am not you by any means, but how do you handle or simply appreciate being alone? I'd like to learn more about that. I worry for you as you are by yourself. Maybe that is futile. Maybe you have all the resources and things you need, but, what if something 'bad' happens? What then?? I fear when or if I hear something bad has happened, far after the fact. I think that's anxiety, but it's real. I worry about my dad that way, but he has my sister ( which drains her). I worry about my former father in-law. My son has a partner so not worried there. I worry about my sister, but her situation offers some comfort. And..... I worry about you. I just want to know. It's a friend love worry and I don't ever think it will go away, no matter what happens. I may be totally wrong, but I never got the feeling you judge people. Maybe you do all the time and never say - who knows? I do have a recollection of you saying you hate people.... but, But in that thinking, that makes you one of the very best people to talk with - it's safe. I do judge (not gonna lie), but am much slower to knowing there are so many factors that play into why people do what they do. And, I try to judge actions, not people. That's better, right? This age of life, where our parents are aging, and so are we, is hard, IMO. Taking the selfish out of the equation, that is just fact.It can be heavy, overwhelming, or just dizzinging. I appreciate having people to talk to about some of the things that weigh on me. Some, I don't share for my own reasons, but I bet if I really wanted to, i could. I hope you know that you have people who care about you, more than they might ever say ( and no, I'm not talking about me) and just want to be there for you and know that you are ok, or that you know they are there for you if you are not. We already spoke about this, but I feels it deserves repeating. There are 1-2 people that I can say that about with 100% certainty, and there are at least 3 others that I'm sure that is true for too, in their own way. Parents: I trust you _talk_ with your mother. I just had a friend tell me I need to call my dad more often ( which I think is right). He is emotionally and relationally stunted and that makes things so hard. But I know me taking the time to talk to him, even if I'm going to hear the same story 4 times, is a way I can show I care that he will understand. Boys are challenging.:-). I have learned a lot about my dad and the characteristics, good, bad and ugly, that come with him. It explains some things about my own and family functionalities. I try to use the " keep what you like and learn to recognize what you don't" method here. I don't know if you feel that way about your mom as she is a woman with men for children. I'm sure you guys have "your way" of communicating, but I also suspect it could be challenging across the guy/girl divide. Maybe, maybe not. The comments you made about aging I heard. I understood part, and my heart broke a little too. We can't dodge that bullet, but I don't like it either. Truth be told, I don't think I have a great many years left, so I'm trying to figure out how to make the most of what I have got. Being with and around for people is a thing for me. Sharing things - adventures, stories, work, time with people is my thing. It makes me sad I can't with you. I don't want you to regret our conversation (the actual conversation and not the barrage of textual vomit that insued after). I was so thankful for it. It honestly took me a little of guard. And, then I wanted more and that wasn't fair. I am so so sorry. I would always listen to you. I desire quid pro quo, with some frequency, and I think that's just not something you want or need. I'm sorry I put that expectation on you. I have a script of how you can friendily shut me down or back me off. If you ever needed that, just let me know. "Terminal silence is a dull blade that pentrates and pushes in ever so slowly." - Eh, edit this. Silence without knowing the reason may be this. Sometimes, people need to be quiet - to process, to reflect, to consider. People like me just need to hear :" Can't talk about this now. May not ever. I don't want to OR I need time for myself on this one" Still not fun to hear, but gives reason, without being dismissive. And, that allows someone to respond "Ok. Know I'm here if you need an ear or a spirit to share with". My next thing to dissect is the optimist/pessimist perspective. I REALLY wanted to go fist to cuffs on this one - in a friendly manner of course. That "no expectations/ no disappointment" comment annoys the hell out of me. But..... I can recognise the truth in it, but can't ascribe to that. I'm actually going to try to use Aristotle ( we are studying him in inservice) to see if I can agrue my position better. Another time.....

Musings - cont

Today, there's a lot of stuff/ crap to do. its around 0 to -3 degrees where I live, with some snow, and I have earned myself a flat tire 2 nights ago. I had to rely on my friends to get me to work yesterday ( yes, on a Saturday) for my light 11 hour day. Happily, the work was lovely. I have a second car with an electrical short that occurs in cold temps, draining the battery. When I returned home from a trip, I attenpted to take fhat car for a drive and... its dead. Decided to wait to charge that battery. Obviously waited too long. 2 cars owned, 2 cars disabled. So,car maintainence is high on the list. Then, there's a very high profile work event uocoming quickly and the team is not quite ready. That action plan has to be developed, and pray it works. Then, theres always getting the house in order, quite literally. Happily, some friends i have seen just recently and ones i havent seen in months are meeting for some fun and libatiions today. This will be lovely, but i have to get myself moving to get the "have tos" done - but seeing and spending time with these people is a have to also. (side bar : I tell my students this often, that I love the word 'crap'. To me, most everything in the world, in a very reductionist way, is crap....EXCEPT for people. Things are crap - people are not. Thats why being with them is a have to) This is my life and its good - its fine. So, my thoughts on connection are quite high, probably to the point of hypersensitivity. And, of course FB puts something on my feed, which i have to check is accurately accredited, but gave some food for thought today. So, i cheat and am copying that here to consider later. But, this reasonated more than anticipated today: ( and, of course the quick "cooy/paste" failed the OG post i was referring to has disappeared, so I had to quick search its replacement. Short lesson - I may need to read some more Orwell in the near future) LONELY IN A CROWD George Orwell once said: “The most terrible loneliness is not the kind that comes from being alone, but the kind that comes from being misunderstood.” It’s the kind of loneliness that doesn’t come from silence, but from the overwhelming noise of a world that doesn’t truly hear you. You stand in a room full of people, laugh when it’s expected, speak when the moment demands it, and yet, in your heart, you feel invisible. You feel like the truest parts of yourself—the raw, unpolished, and beautifully complex pieces of who you are—go unnoticed, misunderstood, or even ignored. This is a different kind of ache, one that lives deep in the soul. It’s not about missing someone’s presence, but about missing connection, longing for the kind of bond that allows you to feel truly seen. It’s not the absence of love, but the absence of recognition—of being known for all that you are, without needing to filter or edit yourself to fit into someone else’s understanding. To be misunderstood is to feel disconnected. It’s like speaking a language no one around you understands, shouting your truth into the void, hoping someone will hear and respond. Instead, you’re met with blank stares, polite nods, or worse, a misinterpretation of who you are. The world seems to focus only on the surface, skimming over your depths, while you yearn for someone to dive in and swim beside you. In these moments, you may question yourself. You may wonder, “Is there something wrong with me?” or, “Should I change to make others understand?” You might be tempted to reshape yourself to fit their expectations, to dull your edges or brighten your colors. But even then, the loneliness doesn’t fade. Because in trying to conform, you lose pieces of yourself, slowly becoming a shadow of who you once were—a ghost of your former self. The truest ache of loneliness isn’t about being alone; it’s about feeling unseen. To feel truly understood by someone is to experience a connection that goes beyond words." Me: This is not entirely accurate of my persoective, but has some latent truths in there. I sometimes worry of parts of this for myself. And, with no authority or permissions, I sometimes worry of it for others. Then, I try to recall the serenity prayer - the one about accepting the things you cannot change, the courage to change the ones you can and the wisdom to know the difference. Yeah, This post will be one for me to think on for a bit. Now - time to get to work.

Musings

it's really weird to be on this platform again. But I have shit to say and this seems like the most convenient place to do it. So, I am now trying to write something I can't think of anything to say. Unlike when I'm not trying to write, and I can't make my head shut up. What are you do when you care, but you don't wanna care too much be all stalker-like overly needy, overly intrusive? You just wanna know, share that you care, "give a damn" if you will, want to know that people are OK. How do you do that kindly? I've discovered I don't have the bandwidth to care about everyone equally, as crappy as it is just say. But they're just isn't enough time or emotional energy to do that. And, how do you get to choose, or truly tell your brain, your spirit, your heart whatever who is worthy of that? I think I'm super lucky that I have a lot of people in my life that I actually genuinely care for and about. From Family, to colleagues to peers, the students, and parents of student students who I've developed relationships with. That being said, sometimes I can still feel alone, or more accurately, incomplete. It's great to have people that can resonate with what you're thinking or feeling. But, I have found nobody matches all of those things. My colleagues are fantastic to talk about work with. My adult friends are wonderful to talk about varying but similar life experiences. As I write that, I think that should just be enough.. But. What do you do when you're drawn to someone? And I don't mean romantically. I just mean drawn. There's something in your brain in your spirit that really wants to connect, to know, to share, with? You are actaully interested and respect them and yheir thiughts? And what happens when that person doesn't feel the same, or communicate the same way, or doesn't want to communicate? I suppose the sterile answer is to disregard and redirect or move on, but what if it's not that simple? Pragmaticism and actual feeling- Or maybe rational and irrational thought don't balance each other here. I have never wanted to be a person who doesn't have control of their own mind, and in this matter, I'm really kind of pissed off that it feels like I don't. I have let a situation that is self created take too much of my attention and energy. And I am highly unsettled that I don't know what the right thing to do is because no decision gives me peace. To disengage. And/or be overly passive is not my MO and honestly just makes me feel rude or dismissive. To push my own desire in agenda, feels arrogant and obtrusive, which also feels rude and antagonistic, which is not my game or what I'm going after. And to totally sever any communication ( plan to avoid any and all future interaction) feels excessive and just hurts. Yeah, at this very minute, this just is another one of those things that I don't know what the right thing to do is. hopefully getting some of these thoughts down will help me track that. I have friends where I am, like real friends as I define them, going through some really tough things. We talk and i know/ believe/ trust theyd be there for me and I know Id be there for them ( to the best of my abilities). But life is hard! I guess in some way everybody is suffering hard all the time. But no one here has the analogy to my life. Most if not all of them are married and/ or with children. So even though we are dealing with aging parents, sometimes aging spouses, adventures in child rearing, I don't know how many of them think about being by themselves. I don't mind being by myself, and at times it is actually preferred and appreciated. But it's not my preferred state, generally speaking. I think I've decided I like to share. Share thoughts, share experiences, and sometimes even share space and silence with people I wanna share with. I guess I just have to figure out what to do when the people, or a person I want to share some of those things with does not feel the same. That's another thing I need to spend some time figuring out and trying to make peace with. Not doing so great with that at the moment. And pretty pissed off at myself for letting one common place interaction allow me to consider that something more? Something more relational, quid pro quo, mutually beneficial, platonic thing could exist. Perhaps that desire is just highly misdirected. Or simply not possible. Guess I'll think on that. Things to ponder....

Kiss it technology

As I was sitting here, working on a little contemplative something, I find I have to save and edit it because blogger and iPad don't seem to have a good relationship. I have always said, all I want tecnology to do is what it says it will do. Ok when I move my finger and the cursor reaches new countries and will not allow me to edit, or correct the spelling of the word above, my Mrs Hulk builds in me a little.

Careful, blogger, google, or whoever runs this operation. You are close to sending me back to pen and paper.

Nobody has time for this s.....stuff!

Through the reflecting glass

I haven't been here for a while, but I thought I'd stop by and... reflect before life becomes it's crazy normal self and there isn't time to do so.

This summer reality seemed to come crashing into me and I had to realize what to do with it. It's like seeing the road before you at 70 miles an hour and also several branches or exits to take. Turning around isn't an option. It's all merely the question of, "where am I going to go from here."

I'm not old (and no I'm not going to divulge my age - vanity is still holding some) but I'm not young anymore either.

My son is 13 and almost 4 inches taller than me. The "little boy" that was, is no longer.

At the beach, I had the sufficating thought that I only have 5 more years ( if God gives me those) to be with my son as my "boy". He's going to want to be with his friends all the time and have adventures with them. He'll be wrapped up in school, boy scouts, work and recreation and all that entails. We'll have some time to watch movies, battle through homework, take trips, but not much. I felt the pressure of reflecting and asking of myself, "Did you value and take all the time with your son that you could earlier, because those opportunities are fleeting, and diminishing."

There are so many parts to this, it's hard to sum up here. I'm a single mother. No complaints mostly, as life is often too busy for that to be a huge deal. I manuvere through my work and give attention to my son. Sometimes I think someone else would just muddy that water. Sometimes, it might be nice to share life with one more. Do I want to have another child? Not sure, and not in a place to worry about it. I just don't want to loose any part of the one I have.

Then I worry - What am I offering him for a good male role model? How can I model a healthy relationship for him if I'm not in one?

And... what happens when kiddo leaves? Invest in plastic, the great "push and pull" and go full out cougar?? Yeah, I don't think so.

So, after many tears and friends to listen, I think I have a plan. A mentor of mine always said "Fail to plan, plan to fail"

#1 - Appreciate the NOW and the little things - Kiddo and I will bike ride as often as we can. Although that can equal many muscle pulls and inhaler puffs here, it's time together. We will suffer through each other's preferenences in movies, we'll read together ( as long as he can tolerate it, we'll stop at Einstein's once a month for a sit down bagel brunch. And, there's always Netflix.

#2 - Have adventures - I will take kiddo to NYC, even if only for 3 days. Half of his family is from there and he needs to see it. It's doesn't hurt that I really like it there. We'll hit some hot springs here and take some hikes, and hopefully hit Disney World in the next 2 years. If the bank will hold, I also hope to take him overseas. I've been annoying him with Deutsch for long enough.

#3 - Take pictures - I can't believe the young 'man' I see when I look at my son. Soon I'll be looking at a man, and then perhaps a father himself. I need to take pictures to remember what was.

#4 - Love what was - As I pack up the Thomas the Tank Engine toys, I tear a little, knowing this chapter is over. I remember Teletubbies and Dragon tales at the wee hours of the morning. I remember slides and swings at the park. I remember the first time C ever saw the ocean. I remember watching Thomas on Dvd as George Harrison and other Beatles were the voices of the trains. I remember taking him to see Thomas and explore the real trains in Golden. I can't get any of this back, but, I don't need to - I still have it in my memory and my heart. And...I'm keeping some of the Thomas stuff :-)

#5 - Say goodbye and Look forward - I think part of my suffication was wondering and worrying what is to come. What it coming is what is to come. Tomorrow is to come and all I can do is what I can do. We will experience 8th grade and my 11th year at my school. Then we'll experience summer and the beginning of high school. He'll get braces and take drivers ed. He'll live his life and I'll support him. I hope to get a master's degree sometime and maybe meet someone awesome. I hope to be someone awesome to meet. I hope to get a dog :-) and not care when it pees on my carpet.

I think the biggest thing I have learned, and need to keep reminding myself is the hardest part of all of this, is looking in the mirror and being ok with what you see. You can still make better or go farther, but appreciate all that has been and been done. Tomorrow may not come, and I have to be ok with that. But if it does, I can't miss it.

Make everyday count. Now I get it.

A neighboor once said, "Life is like a roll of toilet paper - it seems to go faster the closer you get to the end." An addition to that might be, "whether course or soft, be glad you have some". I guess the contrast might be that hopefully you don't flush life.

Mirrors don't lie..... damn it.

Anticipation

Europe. More accurately, UK, France, Switzerland, Austria, Italy, and Germany. I can't even attempt to express how I feel about this. Even thought I have taken this trip before, just being there makes me feel....scholarly, and perhaps a little more worldly, in the good way. I do wish I could live over there, even if just for a few months. I'd actually love for my son to attend school over there for a while. I think being anywhere other than north America just makes the world feel smaller and perhaps in a way more real. The last time I took this trip, I remember thinking
how old, or rather how historical Britain was as we drove through parts of London having prewar and post war architecture side by side. France was remarkably historical, since they sold out to the Nazis in order to remain untouched. I guess what became even more clear was how young the USA is.

I went to DC shortly thereafter and realized how much of France is there, in the buildings and even just the road design. I always thought that being on the Mall in DC was like a time portal, as that was the mall so many leaders looked upon and walked on prior. Europe just amplifies that feeling 20 fold. How can you not be inspired by justp being where such beautiful art, architecture, and the ghosts of great people are?

That being said, the yin to that Yang is the fact that I am not bi or in any way multi lingual. Here, that's neither here nor there. It's most annoying when you can't tell whether the manicurist or the Spanish restaurant folks are talking about you. There, it really makes me feel uneducated. Almost everyone speaks more than one language.

Even as I type this on this idiotic smart phone, I think one of the greatest attractions is to a life of simpler times. Maybe not nicer of more convenient, but simpler.

And I best stop here before this phone flies through the window.

Is it right to write?

Ah the usual time lapse. Time to begin my summer ramblings.

I have reached that time of year where I again feel like I have a life that is mostly my own instead of being lent to me from work. This is the time where I reorganize the house, find the floor that I lost sometime after January, watch more movies than healthy, and sleep to my heart's content. In this organizational frenzy I collect bags and bags of things to be given away, things I had thought lost, and forgotten things.

When I lived on the east coast I was not working full time and I loved to send cards - birthday, anniversary, Mother's Day, Father's Day, funny greetings, brief hellos, etc. I found the box in which I would collect these cards so that I had them to send at a moment's notice - and purchase them when on sale. Be it known that now I cringe at the necessity to purchase a card. $4-$5 for something that will be acknowledge for usually no more than a week and then disposed. I'd rather give the recipient cash or take them for a drink than spend that much money on something so...... disposable. But, I do miss the hand written sentiment.

Do you remember in school when you might relish or fear the thoughts that were passed on notes in the classroom? How you'd love to see the "He likes you" or "Want to meet after school" or "I think you're cute" or fear the "you stink" or "you're mean" or "he doesn't like you". Did you get birthday cards from family in your childhood? I did. Now, we used to always, pettily look for the cash within it, but it was so nice to get the cards too. College - ah, that was the era of writing for me. When I transferred schools, I used to keep in touch via letters containing the news of the time - all the good gossip. We did what Facebook and email are used for today. We never wasted postage on the sentiments on Twitter though. Hehehe, can you imagine that? Getting a letter that says " At the store. Out of Red Bull". That idea cracks me up personally.

But, now that I get to sit and think for a minute, and I sit next to these 3 small rubbermaid containers of stationary and cards, I feel a pang of guilt. When did life get so busy that you can't sit to write someone a brief hello or a statement of missing their presence? When did life get so petty or expensive that the postage for said letter trumps the personalness of writing it? Or have we all become so self protected that emails and Facebook keep things at arms length since it is technology and not from our own hand and meant for the world - or cyberspace?

I love stationary. I love the colors. I love cards - mostly the funny ones, but also the sentimental ones from time to time. I miss them, yet I know come late August I will feel them a burden more than a blessing.

I can't wait to go to Europe!! I can, as when I return that means that half my summer will be over, but I can't as it makes me need to write. My cell phone doesn't work in Europe and, if I manage to get one to use over there, it will be unGodly expensive to use often, so postcards and letters are the best way to communicate. Now, many of the letters written in the last 5 days won't even get to the states before I do, but hopefully the postage stamp will make up for that. Ahhhh, can't wait !!

If you want a letter or postcard, just let me know.I'll send you one. I don't mind the to-do list there, as, how many times do you get mail from London, Paris, Switzerland, Austria or Germany??? If you do get mail from those locals often, well good for you. The most exotic place I get mail from is a little town in Western Maryland. Although you might consider that somewhat foreign, it doesn't count.

When did it become so wrong to write?????

Is it a bad thing

Is it a bad thing that one can take such great pleasure in getting a high scrabble score or beating a computer at cribbage? So maybe these things aren't life defining, but I do feel they have some impact on the general mood of the day. I should be worried, shouldn't I ?

Dangerous discovery

By George, I think I figured it out.......adding posts via phone. I swear this phone may be the end of me. Thankfully its harder to write via phone, so I won't be staying up all hours writing the crap in my head. But I will day this, since I haven't been posting,once again my head, heart, stomach, are filled with so many things to say its overwhelming. Like that feeling when you're overloaded with home or house work and you simply don't know where to begin. Meh, I guess I'll try to either read and/ or sleep it off tonight. I'll just be content with my discovery. Yea me! ;-)

Peek a boo

Ok, it's been a while, but I have to share this....

Have you ever searched yourself on the internet? Your friends? Oh my goodness !!!! It is a little creepy.

First off, I never knew so much could be posted about a person. From Facebook links to comments or tags, to unknown of sites which provide your address and other information they say they can sell for a nominal fee, to a bunch of other random sites and things that pop up. And then there is all the inaccurate information, which honestly, makes me feel much better than seeing all the accurate stuff. Does anyone know how to manipulate the personal information that's out there???? Because I'm thinking I'd like in on that knowledge.

Ew. I feel like I need to take a shower..... but is there a camera there too??? Double ew.

This whole internet thing just got a whole lot creepier.

Dreams

I don't believe a great deal in dream psycology. I just know when I have dreams, when I don't think I do and when I remember them. I tend to have the most vivid ones just when I am about to wake, which makes waking up even more unpleasant. Last night I had the most peculiar one. But it's funny, even as I try to recall it pieces go missing. Bizarre. So the recount won't exactly make sense or flow... maybe at all. Sorry 'bout that.

I'll spare too many details as they wouldn't make sence but, the crux of it was I was with a friend on the mid floor of a very fancy home while her husband, another male friend, and a female of unknown origin were in the basement. There was a pool outside the middle floor and I asked if I could swim laps. After swimming, I came out of the pool and my friend was very distraught about she and her husband's marrage. We talked for a while ( but this alone was weird because to my eye there is nothing wrong with the relationship in real life) and then somehow it came to my knowledge that my other friend and this female got together in some fashion - I guess. Even I can't remember the particulars there of how I would have assumed or found that infomation out as in the dream I never went downstairs -  and I dreamed it. Anyway, in the dream I began to sob/ball/ become hysterical. And I mean hysterical. That uncontrollable crying when you can't breathe and you almost make yourself sick cry. I swear I felt the outcome of this one. Besides, when I did wake up, I was slightly short of breath. How disturbing !!!!

This sort of dream is a rarity for me, but all the same, slightly unerving. I'm sure you all have had deja vu right? I don't get it that often, but often it seems to refer back to something from one of these discouncerting dreams. It never flashes the ones where I actually like the outcome.

Again, I don't put great stock in this but all the same, ughh. There must be a disturbance in the force ;-)

Now, if life could put me in the situations of some dreams earlier in the week, I'd take it. Obviously Mr. Sandman and I are not on good terms.

Colorado .... really?

Today was my trip to Gunnison and I was very much much looking forward to it, untill this freak little snow storm blew in and Monarch Pass has become more treacherous to pass and we have a snow day. Awesome. :-( The snow day is a perk, but very poorly timed I must say. With any luck, I try to make the trip tomorrow.

What a pisser.

But, humor from the honor band front. A new band joke from one of the conductors of the last honor band. You must read this in a British accent as the conductor who told it was British himself, " What do a conductor and a condom have in common?" " It's more fun without but safer with one". Hehehehe.

Honor bands commence

And now begins honor band season. This is the time I travel Thursday - Saturday with kids to various honor bands and see great conductors work to create great things with high school musicians.

This weekend, the wild, wonderful world of..... Pueblo "-( Ok, the location isn't stellar, but the kids and the groups will be great.) AND Timothy Reynish from the UK is coming to conduct one of the groups. I have few fetishes in my crazy existence, but a British accent is one of them. I told the kids, "Even if you're getting yelled at it's ok, because it will be in a British accent!!!" So very excited to meet the man and more so to speak with him ;-) !!!

Other than that, 2.5 days filled with teenagers, fellow band directors and music. Eh, 2 out of 3 ain't bad ;-). Just kidding. Looking forward to an inspiring ( and partially perspiring) weekend.

Next weekend is Gunnison. Haven't been there yet, so..... excited for a new CO location.

I feel like there is so much to say but too little time to share it/type it/ spell it. Ever get that??? Eh, if it sticks, I'll post it later, I guess.

Most days "Living the dream"....  some days just "surviving/ enduring the nightmare" ;-)

That time of year

Ironically enough, I have nothing to say about Valentine's Day ;-) It's a good day. Probably better for those sharing it with other folks, but, meh, I have family and friends to share love with, so.... all good. :-)

A small funny that I shared with some folks earlier - I was joking with some of my high schoolers about it being "Singles awareness day" and the one said, " You know the acronym for that is SAD right?" I just laughed. Didn't want to ask which was worse celebrating "SAD" or  "VD". Hmmmm.... ;-)

But all I have to say is that it's that time of season where there's no time.... for much of anything other than work. That's it.

So, "Goodnight Moon".

I needed that

Tonight was a great night. GREAT night. First of all my wind ensemble played really well. REALLY well. Secondly, we did this joint concert with a local brass band and they were INCREDIBLE !!! They sounded amazing and inspired my kids. They didn't even know the instruments could do some of those things. And, they are super nice people - one of my high schoolers told me so. ;-)

I got to lead the groups for the closing number and it was ( as another band student calls it) bandgasmic. ;-)

But then, they ( the brass band/ their director) invited me to go out and join them after the concert. I'm not super great at social events after school nights, but, as the high schooler said, "they are super nice people." I got to have a few beers and meet a kick ass trombone player ( kick ASS) who played in the Navy Band of DC - the band where my ex-husband played when I met him. So we had a small connection there. And I met the AFA band's former commanding officer - who my ex played under while we were married here. ( as you can see, we travel in rather small or let's say concentric circles - sometimes my married name can be a real asset in this business - he gave me that and my son, can't complain about that). It was so great to meet some new musicians and feel like I have known them all my life. A few weren't too bad on the eyes, which isn't a bad thing either. But all were very genuine people and a blessing to have met.

There are days I wonder about the whole music thing. Today was validation. Musicians have suffered since their inception, so there's no surprises there, and yet the music lives on and connects us all. I love the new acquaintances I met tonight - the people I met because of the common thread of music.

I needed that. That and the beer ;-)

Now, I need sleep and to be able to awake at 6am. Damn you Sam Adams !!!!

What's your role?

In talking to a friend yesterday this came up. We were actually talking about teaching though ( imagine that) but I got to thinking that the question is relatively profound. What is your role? And can you accept that role, or the definition of that role changing.

As teachers at our school, we can sometimes be asked to cap a student - at a ceremony, place the graduation cap upon the students head as someone reads what you or another faculty member wrote about why that student is special or how we will remember them. Students pick their capper based upon who they feel had a significant impact on their journey to graduation. It's quite an honor really.

Well, my friend used to be asked by no less than 4 students, often more. Last year, I don't think she was asked at all, and she said she had a hard time with that. She was used to being regarded as a mentor to many of her students and took offense when not asked. She then said as she thought about it, she became more accepting of it, even though she may not like it. She said she reached this decision by accepting that her role has changed.

As teachers, the most simple mind would say that the teacher's job is to convey information relevant to their subject area. Ha !!! I wish that was all a teacher had to do. No.... that's not true. I just wish folks realized and recognized all a teacher must do. Impart information, guidance counsel, test monitor, creatively manage limited budget or resources, organize staff, act as parent and school liaison, observe and report mental health of students, and more I can't quantify now. In fact, of all teacher duties, I don't spend as much time teaching as I do on the other stuff - and that's true for most of us. Anyone can teach a subject. Very few can successfully teach kids.

But then, you feel yourself get caught in the throws of your role - what if someone doesn't ask you for your input at this meeting? What is someone doesn't involve you in the next big decision about the school, what if the students aren't wanting to take your class because it's too hard or "uncool", what if you have students taking your class simply because it is "cool" and don't care about the content of the class, what if great numbers of students don't regard you as the mentor you felt they did 2,5,10 years ago? Are you failing? Are you becoming ineffective? What do you do?

Well, she decided to find peace in the refocusing on the "why" you do what you are doing instead of the "how" your role is defined. Choices people make are theirs and theirs alone. Although you can influence them, you can't always assure how you are influencing them, as perspective and reception is as unique and individual as people themselves. By going back to the "why",  you surrender the responsibilities or burden of the definition of your role and define your role by it's purpose instead. Celebrated success and reputation become ancillary instead of primary.

Like I said, pretty deep stuff.

We are in the registration window at school and this is the most depressing time of year for performing arts. We wait and see who sticks and who quits. That's really the crux of it. When we recruit beginners, that is the most exciting time because these are all new recruits in the pipeline. When older kids register, we watch the potential exodus. This is, in part, what prompted this discussion.

But, I think this can be applied in any profession or especially parenting. The role of the parent of an infant is very different than that of the teenager, which again changes when one is the parent of an adult. Although the title of parent never changes, the actual role or definition of the role does.

What about spouse? Or friend? Or a way 'out there' concept, individual purpose? I sometimes wonder what constitutes a mid life crisis and, in turn wonder if it isn't essentially a person's loss of ability to define or accept their role or purpose at a stage in life or the inability to accept that the role has changed from what it once was. Not sure.

I wonder how I will handle my son going to college - if he chooses to do so. I wonder what I will do, since life to this point has, in part, been directed by acting in a manner that is best for him. When he's on his own, I will have to re-strategize how I make some decisions and that's ok. Sometimes, I wish to be the mother of an infant again and I know again, decisions will have to be made on how to do that well. Other times, I resolve myself that the season for that has passed and it is time to plan for the next one. I wonder if I can successfully fit the role of girlfriend or wife. Sometimes, I wonder if I really want to make those compromises and sacrifices and other times, it's without a doubt that I'd like to and I'll fight to figure it out as I go. And, sometimes I wonder how hard one should work to be called into a role they think they want to have. Sometimes, I think we call people who do that - desperate.

But, to accept the roles as they come, I think in layman's terms, this concept is expressed as "roll with the punches".

But, spiritually sometimes people wonder what their purpose in life is. I think evaluating what one's role/ roles are, being content with them, and asking if we staying true to the "why" we are doing them IS necessary for contentment. Or, in that search, to discover that we are simply trying to make all fit into the marketed definitions of the "what's and how's" of our role's accepted definitions and not fighting for the virtue of them instead.

Former student Ben Johnson I am convinced was a genius. His graduation speech premise was "What are you doing?" I like to add the addendum, "WHY are you doing it?"

Thank you magic internet

Well, I wished for snow and I got it. I wished for a snow day and I received that too.

Now, magic internet, how about a million dollars???? ;-)

Last thought on the day

Totally unrelated...

This is February first and here's what I think today,

Goodbye's aren't necessary until someone passes away. I'll stick with "see you later" 's.

And....... there's no reason to bolt a door on your own that you wish to stay open or at least unlocked. If it closes itself, fine. It the wind blows it shut, fine. And if someone else closes it, that's fine too.

Besides, just because that one door is unlocked, doesn't mean you have to limit yourself to travel only through that one door. You don't have to avoid it, but, you don't have to only travel that way either. Find and explore the other doors to travel through until you want to, and choose to go through "that" door or until someone beckons you from the other side. It's easier to see them when the door is open anyway, and far easier to let them in than when it's bolted shut. Who knows? You may meet someone who you've been hoping to see, or someone as a total surprise. But, I believe an open door is far more welcoming and less inhibiting than a shut, locked one. Besides, who wants to be locked up in their own house anyway???

Obscure enough???

Good.

It wasn't written for you anyway. No offense ;-)