SEX IN THE CITY

Ok, I must profess that I am a HUGE fan of this show. I'll try to explain that affinity here in a minute.

Now, don't get me wrong. If you are looking for moral guidance, this ain't the place. But if you're looking for a potential ideal in a women to women relationship and perspective one how different kinds of women view the whole relationship thing and how they screw it up too, it's a great show.

I remember once hearing this show described as "4 spoiled bitches living in NYC" .That description still makes me smile. But I have to say, if an opening happened for the role of spoiled bitch in that way.... I might just run to that audition.

I am a romantic. Painfully so, but I am, and I am ok with it. I love the character Carrie because she is too. There was an episode where she was in Paris, living with her current beau, and "called the ball" saying that this was all well and good but she wanted "all consuming love". Ok, that's TV and this is real life, but, honestly, I'm holding out for that too. I want to loose my breath, I want to tremble, I want to smile when I see an email and I want to be anxious to see that person. And, the kicker, and perhaps the unattainable, is that I want those feelings, or at least some sort of corollaries, to be mutual. Unrequited sucks, perhaps for both parties, but definitely for one.

I won't ruin the movie for anyone who may actually want to see it, but something 'horrible' happens to her and she becomes depressed. She was angry, so passionately angry and she showed it. Ah, to be able to show that raw of emotion is awesome. Granted, it has to be a sense of losing control, but it's real. No pretense, no rehearsal, no rules, just truth. That is rare and amazing.

The character Big I love too. The viewer unfairly gets to see his struggles too ( granted not as much as Carrie's) so that you can't really feel what Carrie feels head on, because you have compassion and sympathy for the other party. In the show, there are times that even seeing Big's traumas, he's still an asshole, but as time goes on, his heart gets bigger and he show's it more often. How can you not love that?

Charlotte is so funny because she is Ms. Perfect. She is a romantic too, but on an extreme I can't relate too.

Miranda is the one most people would call the "bitch" but she's really just more emotionally programmed like a man... or at least tries to pretend she is. She's a control freak, but passionate in her own way. Just sometimes her intense passion is a little misdirected.

Samantha is the slut. A guy like her is called a "player" and idolized and we women have to call the female counterpart "slut". That doesn't seem quite fair. Eh, she just likes variety I guess.

Anyway, after that character synopsis, let me close this rambling by saying again that I loved the movie. And, at least today, I believe it's ok to wait for the tingle in the toes, smile when you see them, want to be with them, butterflies in the stomach love. If it never happens, at least I didn't settle for instant Sanka when I really wanted gourmet coffee. The instant stuff always leaves an aftertaste that is never pleasant. Settling for Microsoft when you really want LINUX/UNIX.... whatever other kind of languages/systems might be preferable.

But...... if it does happen..... here's hoping I'll be able to blog about that someday :-)

So much to say

Thank you Dave Matthews for that title. :-)

One of my biggest issues with the male to female relationship is my encounters with men that don't talk about stuff. Therefore, I may have unfairly categorized that all men don't talk. I was told once that such a axiom is not true, but I have no evidence to prove that. For the first time in my life, that statement is NOT criticism, merely observation and my acceptance ( not my liking) of such a fact.

Anywho, in hanging out with my women folk, I have talked like never before and they talk too. The problem with talking; once you have said it, you forget what you said. Hmmmm. Maybe there is an advantage to staying in your head..... maybe.

Topics for now or never -(I'll try to hit at least one for my own sake)

#1 - Strata of relationships. There was this diagram with 4 circles representing relational categories - acquaintance, friend, close friend, intimate relationship. I see that this is a socially accepted strata, although I openly admit that I have NO comprehension for such a thing. I mean I understand that other people may have this for themselves, but as for me ( and as I have come to find, one of my friends as well....which makes me feel a little more normal) I have 1 BIG circle. People go as far in that circle as they want to ( we are speaking talking only now) unless they totally violate trust where I throw them out of the very big circle. There is no idea of promotion or demotion, just acceptance or dismissal.

#2 - Criteria for relationship - well, having stated the above that doesn't seem logically very applicable for me, but there are a few, maybe, for entrance into the big circle. What they are .... I'm not sure I know. Good hygiene is a good place to start. ;-)

#3 - SEX IN THE CITY - this one will get an entry to itself.

#4 - Saying you're sorry. Do you have a place in time you wish you could return to and say you're sorry to someone ?? Maybe several?

#5 - The 5 love languages - no, this is not linguistic study related. It is how people give and receive love. There are 5 ( duh, I wrote that earlier); touch, quality time, words of affirmation, service , and gifts. I find this fascinating. I know how I prefer to show love and I think I may have figured out how I like to receive it too, which offers some strong vulnerabilities and reasons for things and, perhaps more evidence of causation of bad choices. I may explain, I may not. It is my blog after all ;-). Do you know how you give love? How you are able to? How you prefer to receive it? Rumor has it that most guys are a fan of verbal affirmation. I don't know if that is a generality or not, but, that's the word on the street. Briargate blvd, that is.

#6 - The power of the tongue - no, this is not a sexual entry, although after watching Sex in the City, there might be good reason to make it one. Have you ever just said the wrong thing.... like all the time? I live this dream. In my head, it makes sense, sounds perfect. I know what I mean so why wouldn't everyone else? Bad assumption. The ironic thing is that I honestly don't place a ton of power in the spoken word IF I have other sources of information. If I can get at the sentiment, words don't matter that much to me. If the tone or body language don't match the words, I don't believe them. If the actions don't match, I actually stop listening, or, if I care enough, bring the discrepancy to their attention and see if they can explain/ justify. But, I often find myself saying the wrong thing, the wrong way, at the wrong time, with such great expectation and instead reap great trauma. This causes me great consternation. Not a pleasant sensation. Bad and poor communication is the cause of much frustration.

#7 - Being overly critical - well if I didn't care, I wouldn't say anything about what you are wearing. :-) All the same, there's room for improvement here. But I am an artist. What else is there but criticism? ( that is sarcasm folks.... geesh)

#8 - Being too sarcastic -see #7

On to next entry....

Random thoughts

Random thoughts are what make up a great part of life aren't they???

#1 - I miss my boy. Sometimes I think about when he is a grown man and I have a 'small' worry but more accurately more compassion again for parents. If they like their children ( mind you) I bet they miss them when they are far away... even in their 20's and 30's. And it must be nice when they become closer in proximity again.

#2 - I really don't like living alone. I actually already knew this, but have seen others do it successfully and thought I should be able to as well. Well, I "can" do it..... I just really don't like to. In talking to a friend yesterday, i was able to admit that one of the hardest things when I was married was living with someone but still feeling alone. We couldn't watch TV together, never wanted to do anything together, didn't assist one another with menial chores, etc. while violating the just roommate philosophy by... well, being married. That sucked too.

But I think I would rather have a roommate or something. Someone to talk to when both parties might be willing, someone to avoid when you want to be by yourself but know that they are there, someone to cajole when you want company, or someone to sit in silence with when reading a book or watching TV. Gerbils, eh... not so personable and certainly not quality time worthy. You're too busy corralling them

#3 - I am allergic to my office at school. Maybe psychosematicly (sp) but definitely physically. I went yesterday and sneezed for like a half hour - 45 minutes straight. Not pretty. Carol and I are vacuuming and carpet cleaning and dusting today. Yes, folks, custodians do do that sort of thing, but in this particular case, you'd have to see it to understand and only those who have to enter or who I really trust can see my office area :-).

#4 - 2 new goals. a) Somehow, someway, I am going to attempt to become more technologically savvy. If I die, I wish you all well.
b) LEAVE THE COUNTRY!!! With people whom I know having had the reason, chance, and resources to travel the globe, I am looking to see if I can. It has always been a dream, but life needs and other things have always trumped at least the ability to compile the monetary resources needed to go. But I am getting older, and although hard to come by, money is regain able, health is not, so I have begun research here. We'll see where research, health, time, money, and life lead.

#5 -Gotta run. I'm already late :-)

My funny story friend

Had dinner with a friend and her family today and it was the collection of funny things.

#1 - A story. This friend worked for a time with the Billy Graham crusades. ( please, all you relig-a-phobes relax, she's relatively normal) Anyway, she had this older friend who also worked with the crusade, but her friend's husband was not the religious sort at all. He just kind of " let her do her thing". These Billy Graham folks had a fancy dinner to which the non-Christian husband came. He wanted to share a joke and had everyone's ear. The joke goes," This guy gave his girlfriend a puppy as she boarded a plane. Not knowing what to do with the puppy, she stuck it under her shirt for boarding. After sitting on the plane for a while, a male stewardess says," I know what you have under there. Too bad it's not potty trained." to which she replies with a grimace, " potty trained? It's not even weaned yet !!" The crowd was silent. My friend had to ask to leave the table so that she could die of hysteria. Oh, how I would have loved to be there.

#2 - Her mom, of the young age of 81, was there at dinner too. She shared a story of a parade they went to where a woman my age was wearing too low, low-rise jeans, sitting on a curb, and bending forward. (Reminds me of a certain middle school incident...that's amore.) Anyway, the mom thought to say something to the exposed woman, but another lady did instead, and the low-rise lady did the best she could to put the moon away. My friend concluded the story by saying, " The woman should have said 'yeah, and another crack like that and I am going to have to ask you to leave' ". I am so remembering that line for the next moon I see !!!!!!!

#3 - Lastly, this she and I are playing for another friends daughter's wedding later this month. After drinking a few glasses of wine, she wanted to read through the music. Uh.... ok. We played and her mother and her mother's long haired chihuahua listened on. It went acceptably ( but needs more rehearsing). At one part, the chihuahua starting singing along!!!!! My first reaction was a little self consciousness and.. damn, does it sound that bad !!!!!! Everyone is a critic. After that 6 seconds passed, I couldn't play anymore because I was began to snort from laughing. ( you try to laugh and play a brass instrument) Then, my friend playing piano starting laughing. Then, the mother then says, "Wow. My other chihuahua would sing along with music too." We all laughed.

Oh how I love people that can make me laugh!!!!!

Adopt a family

Let me start by acknowledging that when I started experimenting with the whole "blog" thing, I stated that I wasn't going to talk about things of a personal nature. Let me also acknowledge that that particular sentiment has been shot to hell, and I'm ok with that :-)

Today I ate dinner with my adopted family - a family here that has kind of associated with me/ allowed me to assimilate as one of their family, and I so appreciate them. They are my friends, but they are family too. I have had several adopted families in my time - a few in high school mainly. These were families that made me feel like the parents cared as much for me as they did their own kids and I felt like one of the kids among the kids too. It's just nice to feel cared for and that you have family, away from family.

In my adopted family, the phrase "mental health" is heard often. I never discussed such a thing in my own family, but the mom especially talks about it and shared with me that she is mindful of it in herself, her children and her friends. And there has been a lot of trauma around here to allow a need to be observant. I often wonder at the "state" of other people but rarely focused on my own. I wonder how many people think about this. I wonder even more how many talk about it.

I love my family ( meaning my parents) dearly, but will also say that they weren't perfect. My sister and I often joke about the dysfunctionality of my family, but I can honestly say that away from the connotation of the word and the literal "not functional", I didn't know what dysfunctional meant. So, I looked it up. In my seven minute Google search I came across a couple interesting things: (these are all from various sites - I am hoping I am not violating copyright by copying excerpts)

Types of Dysfunctional Families

Dr. Janet Kizziar characterizes four types of "troubled family systems", which are "breeding grounds for codependency:" 5

(1) The Alcoholic or Chemically Dependent Family System

(2) The Emotionally or Psychologically Disturbed Family System

(3) The Physically or Sexually Abusing Family System

(4) The Religious Fundamentalist or Rigidly Dogmatic Family System

Rules that encourage the unnatural patterns of relating in codependent family systems include:

• Don't talk about problems

• Don't express feelings openly or honestly

• Communicate indirectly, through acting out or sulking, or via another family member

• Have unrealistic expectations about what the Dependent will do for you

• Don't be selfish, think of the other person first

• Don't take your parents as an example, "do as I say, not as I do"

• Don't have fun

• Don't rock the boat, keep the status quo

• Don't talk about sex

• Don't challenge your parent's religious beliefs or these family rules

**There are four basic roles that children adopt in order to survive growing up in emotionally dishonest, shame-based, dysfunctional family systems. Some children maintain one role into adulthood while others switch from one role to another as the family dynamic changes (i.e. when the oldest leaves home, etc.) An only child may play all of the roles at one time or another.


"Responsible Child" - "Family Hero"

This is the child who is "9 going on 40." This child takes over the parent role at a very young age, becoming very responsible and self-sufficient. They give the family self-worth because they look good on the outside. They are the good students, the sports stars, the prom queens. The parents look to this child to prove that they are good parents and good people.
As an adult the Family Hero is rigid, controlling, and extremely judgmental (although perhaps very subtle about it) - of others and secretly of themselves. They achieve "success" on the outside and get lots of positive attention but are cut off from their inner emotional life, from their True Self. They are compulsive and driven as adults because deep inside they feel inadequate and insecure.

The family hero, because of their "success" in conforming to dysfunctional cultural definitions of what constitutes doing life "right", is often the child in the family who as an adult has the hardest time even admitting that there is anything within themselves that needs to be healed.

"Acting out child" - "Scapegoat"

This is the child that the family feels ashamed of - and the most emotionally honest child in the family. He/she acts out the tension and anger the family ignores. This child provides distraction from the real issues in the family. The scapegoat usually has trouble in school because they get attention the only way they know how - which is negatively. They often become pregnant or addicted as teenagers.
These children are usually the most sensitive and caring which is why they feel such tremendous hurt. They are romantics who become very cynical and distrustful. They have a lot of self-hatred and can be very self-destructive. This often results in this child becoming the first person in the family to get into some kind of recovery.

"Placater" - "Mascot" - "Caretaker"

This child takes responsibility for the emotional well-being of the family. They become the families 'social director' and/or clown, diverting the family's attention from the pain and anger.
This child becomes an adult who is valued for their kind heart, generosity, and ability to listen to others. Their whole self-definition is centered on others and they don't know how to get their own needs met. They become adults who cannot receive love, only give it. They often have case loads rather than friendships - and get involved in abusive relationships in an attempt to "save" the other person. They go into the helping professions and become nurses, and social workers, and therapists. They have very low self-worth and feel a lot of guilt that they work very hard to overcome by being really "nice" (i.e. people pleasing, classically codependent) people.

"Adjuster" - "Lost Child"

This child escapes by attempting to be invisible. They daydream, fantasize, read a lot of books or watch a lot of TV. They deal with reality by withdrawing from it. They deny that they have any feelings and "don't bother getting upset."
These children grow up to be adults who find themselves unable to feel and suffer very low self-esteem. They are terrified of intimacy and often have relationship phobia. They are very withdrawn and shy and become socially isolated because that is the only way they know to be safe from being hurt. A lot of actors and writers are 'lost children' who have found a way to express emotions while hiding behind their characters.

It is important to note that we adapt the roles that are best suited to our personalities.

There's a lot more information, but this was enough to get chewing on. No parent is perfect, and I think that becomes more evident when you become one. It's easy to criticize your folks when you aren't a parent, but you reserve a little more judgement when you are one.

Anyway, it took me this long to identify what some of the things are that I didn't like about my upbringing and after reading this stuff, I have a little more information about why I have some of the flaws that I do. I think everyone has a piece of these in some way, the difference being whether they are aware if it or not and/ or if they are doing anything about it.

Just food for thought. At the moment, I am stuffed.

Killing time at the airport

Tired of reading my book so here are some pictures :-)

A sign for inspiration:


Here are pics of that sunset that I was so eager to get to. I think they came out well. I have more, but I am going to play with them a little first. CORRECTION - That's a SUNRISE not a sunset. Geesh, I have made that mistake way too many times!!!!!









My boy on the beach. There are more of these too :-).



He's currently in NH as I head back to CO. "Sigh". You never know how someone changes your life until they aren't around anymore. It's quiet, but I like having my little guy around better. Now I need to find yet another movie buddy :-)

The shirt I found so funny.



I know that this shirt can be received as racist, but think of it from an "In Living Color" perspective, and it's freaking funny.

Final days at the Beach

So, this signifies the end of my time at the beach. I have to say, it was a great time. I managed to get up 'again' for the sunrise this morning and was greatly rewarded. It was truly beautiful. I don't know that I have ever seen a sunrise at the beach live but it is a yearly appointment from here on out. It is a picturesque moment that is worth a little sleepiness. And, I got fantabulous pictures!!!!!! Can't wait to share them. I'll do that as soon as I can.

Missed the Sea-Doo goal, but yesterday, on the waves, I _was_ the Sea-Doo. It was crazy fun riding the waves!!! And my little guy got in on the action too. He was having so much fun and was so fun to watch. He got tossed around a few times, but..... it's the beach. Still, very fun. Still cold, but tolerable water.

During this trip, I was able compare my son to the boy that I have brought here the last 4 years. It is very cool and occasionally disturbing to see your child grow up. I'll write about this at home.

To all who have still to head out for their first, second, or summer vacation, have a great time and savor every minute. It goes by way too fast.

FUNNY T-SHIRT

Almost forgot about this one:

You know the cartoon/ movie media company Warner Bros. and their logo right? Well there was this tee shirt.... "If you see a cop-- Warn a brother. ( with the logo) I laughed so hard!!!!! I'll try to get a picture before we leave.

Better water - floating masses

I was going to write about what we did yesterday... but as I got online, it seems I can't remember. That's either a sign of a) relaxation b) fatigue c) senility. Here's hoping for a :-)

Ah, ok I remember a little. Uncle Bill's Pancake House - yum!!!!! Although we had a coffee creamer that manifested itself like a jellyfish in the coffee ( spoiled creamer) We were grossed out at first, and then it became a highlight of amusement. My dad kept saying it was better than a whale watching trip. He'd push the mucusey mass down in the cup and tell Christian to watch. He said it would do tricks and pop back up. Gotta love daddy. I can't believe that we were all watching and pushing it down on occasion. Cheap dates :-) Hmmmm, maybe you can't take the Hagerstown totally out of a person. :-z

Then 3 of us headed to the water. It was amazing !!!!! Boogie boards, waves crashing. It was very cool!!!!

Today I woke up at 0 dark hundred to catch that sunrise. Guess what I got???!! FOG!!!!! Grrrrr. Actually, I just laughed. I got back to sleep for a little while and then headed to the beach with a paper and read. It was chilly on the water but very nice to listen to the ocean.

Right now, it is almost 11:30 and the fog has still not burned off. We'll see what the day holds. May be a boat riding day. Here's hoping for a solar heat wave.

Still, it's great to be here.

Another day

Yesterday, the beach was awesome. Sunny, big waves... very cool. The water....uh..... can you say "ice cube"? Oh my goodness. Your feet suffered hypothermia and forget about going into the water past your waist.... if you could even get that far. I have never felt water like that before. Brrrrrrr. It's a little warmer today, so hopefully the water may be as well.

Went to Cape May yesterday too. My mom and dad spent their honeymoon there, so it means a lot to them. I like it too, but I like OC a little better. A little more to do.... from my perspective anyway. In Cape May there is a VERY GOOD seafood restaurant called the Lobster House. We make a yearly pilgrimage and that was last night. Sooooo good.

Today, bike ride again. My family is a bunch of lumps :-) although I didn't manage to get up until 8 myself. A little warmer and more folks on the Boardwalk at that time. The beach access past the boardwalk is awesome. Never new about that before. Reminds me of another trip I took to NC.

I will have some pictures for viewing later. I just forgot to bring the "pictures from camera to computer" cable. There's a better name for that isn't there :-) ?

Time for breakfast :-).

May I live to become a morning person

We are experiencing a day of sun here at the beach. Heat... not so much, but clear skies and sun. I gave myself a few goals this time out. As I recall them :-) they are/were: 1) See a sunrise ( it's funny that someone taught me that I can't see a sunset here. I'm on the EAST coast. Yeah, I felt a little stupid) 2) Not sleep away my time at the beach. 3) Go bike riding 4) Ride a Sea-Doo ( working on that one) 5) Swim in the ocean ( did I mention the water is 60 degrees - Brrrrrr) 6) Take pictures.

This am, I got on a single bike as the rest of the crew was sleeping. It was AWESOME!!!!!! First of all, it is so flat here,you can ride for miles - literally, and not get super tired. I rode what adds up here to a total of 60 blocks ( no idea milage there). The sun was glistening off the water and I was jamming to my iPod and daydreaming to boot. It was great. Haven't decided whether to ride or walk/jog tomorrow. I'll wait till tomorrow to decide.

Well, I don't want to burn beach time at the computer either, so.... catch you later :-)

Dialogue of the town

2 quick stories....

My dad and sister took my son fishing at Pangborn Park. To everyone's surprize, he had a blast. He even almost caught one of those.... whatever kind of fish swim there. My mother and I caught up later after handling things at the "cell phone" store. Grrrr. Anyway, he gave me the rod to cast. Yeah...not for me. I sent bait flying, but no line. :-) I figured I was there to feed the fish, not catch them. Little guy kept saying," Mummy, that's not how you do it." and continued to narrate as he took the fishing pole from me and did it properly. It was very cute. Maybe time on the bay might be a good thing. Are there fish in the bay???

Anyway, as the title suggests, being home had made me appreciate the dialect of the town in which I was raised. Such words as "geturassoverher" and "amboolance", "winda" have made themselves heard many times. I am going to try and write them all down because, once you get over the trauma of it being your native tongue, it's really quite funny. This place really can be home of "King of the Hill" and that's ok.

Allrightseeya.

Seek and you shall find... for better or worse

Sometimes, I think, people should quit while their ahead. You search long enough and you find out stuff you never thought.... or maybe didn't want to think, was true.

Crap, crap,crap.

Just running around on the computer and am finding things I wish maybe I hadn't. Damn these little rectangles. Damn nights of bad sleep. Damn mean people.

Although I am having a pretty good time, I wish I has planned my pilgrimage to the east later this year. I don't seem to want to be here right now, even when the people directly around are making it as pleasant as possible. Thanks for the fun yesterday, BTW. :-)

Can't help feeling it's time to "run away" and I need a new place to run to. I'll start that search when I get back to CO. Hopefully the beach proves a little more diverting.

And... good luck to all those who are having a WAY rougher time than me. I'm thinking about you and will help if you need or would take it.

Today, I meet with friends from the community band I used to play with for beer after their rehearsal. Oughta be fun. The last time we did that, my friend Brad and I ended up singing "Love Shack" w/ karaoke. We actually got applause. Missed our true calling, I guess.

My coffee is almost gone. Time to move on......

Friday, not sure yet. Sat, championship WII games. That should prove interesting......

Dad's day and time in the "Bush"

For dad’s day we had my mom’s side of the family here at the house, and a friend of mine came to visit. First let me say that the weather was awesome these past few days. It was so nice to be outside. But the “aunts” were here. My mother is a triplet and the youngest of the 3. Her ‘older’ sisters are very loud and quite domineering. Poor mother looked like she was getting railroaded. Dad stayed safe and grilled ( great, Dad’s cooking on Father’s day ☹ ) But, mom doesn’t entertain masses often.. if ever.. so Bev and I helped her out. Like I said, in the last few years I have evolved into a little bit of a control freak, so I asked Bev if she knew what the plan was. There wasn’t one, so we organized a system and my friend graciously agreed to join the working force with us. We divided vegetable chopping, dish doing ( my folks don’t have a dishwasher ☺ ) burger making, paper product dispensing, food layout, etc for mom. We had a nice little thing going and mom was happy to know everything worked ( yippee) So although a get - together with the sisters can be an event, this one ran pretty nicely.. with some help.

Sleeping. Ok, I am a goddess of sleep. It’s not a trait I am always proud of, but it is one of those things I accept and take comfort, until now. My last nights here in the “line state” have been not overly restful. I can’t get to sleep. My brain is cranking about stuff I thought I had handled ( or handled as well as I could) and it is not satisfied. Crap. I try to keep busy during the day to preoccupy myself as well as poop myself out, but when then head hits the pillow, it is like a psunami that has been building waiting for me to stop. Not sure what to do about it, not sure if it will go away, but…. I sure hope it does.

Otherwise I am enjoying the conveniences I love in the Springs so much.... Panera and Starbucks ;-)

Traveling times

Got into MD, well actually VA a few days ago. It was a fairly rough travel day as we left where we were staying at 3 am to get to the airport by 4/ 4:30 for a 6 am flight. At least the airport wasn’t crowded.

It was a 2 legged flight: first half from DIA to Dallas/Fort Worth. Can I just say I love that airport. It is very nice and accommodating…not to mention huge. We were there just long enough to eat and relax for a moment before the second flight to VA.

On the second flight little C actually slept ( he didn’t on #1) but he couldn’t get comfortable. His poor neck was bent and his body turned in ways I didn’t know people could as he slept. We couldn’t raise the arm rest all the way to be non obstructive, so even leaning on me wasn’t very comfortable. But, he did manage about 2 hours of shut eye.

When we landed, my dad and one of his friends were there to pick us up. My sister had been up almost 16 hours by this point and was very tired. I was no real Ms. Sunshine either, but little guy kept trucking. It was pretty humid, which I haven’t felt for a while, but at least there was a nice breeze. We loaded the car and proceeded on.We took a way that was different than what I am used to taking so we were in the car for a little over an hour before getting to Dad’s friends house where his car was. We then headed for my parents house.

Long day, but we made it.

Music list

I am at my sister's place after the day that never ends. Or maybe that should be during the day that never ends.

Cleaning and packing like crazy, banking, school, bank again, school to teach, lawyer, playdate, blah, blah, blah.

Anyway, here are some songs I like today :

1. Somewere Only We Know - can't remember

2. That Voice Again - Peter Gabriel

3. Turn to You - Melanie C

4. Pavane - Faure (classical)

5. Ready, Steady, GO - Paul Oakenfold (techno)

6. Dave Matthews - Almost everything he's ever done :-) I'm gonna
marry him in my next life.... or at least hook up with him. ;-)
2 great ones today - Grey Street & Typical Situation

That's it for today. I have a relatively long travel day tomorrow, so I'll share a favorite from the journey.

Game plan

So I head to the beach with my family soon.

Plan - either wake up early or ask for time after little boy's bedtime to walk the boardwalk and listen to the water. During the day, I am sure we will be moving sand, boogie boarding, playing badminton ( oooh. remember to pack the rackets and birdie), but I really want some quiet time this year. I can't wait to strap on the Ipod to my arm and walk. I really like going out on the beach early in the morning, but often can't get out of bed early enough for it to be cool ( figuratively or temperature) If you go out around 6:30 - 7:30 only the elderly early birds or the exercise nuts are out. It's sunny, but peaceful. And at night, if you wait long enough, the families go to bed and the moon might be out reflecting of the water, the wind is cold and the water sounds.... great. ( that description sucks, by the way) Sometimes at night it feels a little lonely as that is the best time I think, to be hand and hand with someone, or have their arm around you to keep you warm while looking at the ocean. Peaceful bonding, I guess. But if you just listen to the ocean, it has a power to relax and a smell that is unique but great.

My friend from work told me to try and be sure to feel like I took a vacation. :-) I hope this helps. To just take some time and run away.

That and riding the ferris wheel while gripping the side and pleading Christian not to rock the seat. ;-) Don't look down.... just don't look down.

Surround yourself with quality people

I am on a journal kick... if you can't tell.

My sister came by tonight to watch short stuff while I went to a rehearsal. Short and sweet. We rehearsed for a fundraiser performance tomorrow night. One of those white collar eat and mingle events. Sometimes the people are so stuffy I don't like these things, but sometimes the food is pretty good. We'll see.

The conductor, I have determined is gay. He's still easy on the eyes, but he highlighed his hair in a funny way and... he ran , actually ran (... moved his legs quickly) a few steps in the rehearsal room and it made me laugh. He swaggers. He, he, he. That and his male counterpart on the last concert may have pushed that thought a little farther. I am not judging him at all, but the conclusion ( however correct or incorrect it is) makes me smile and say damn at the same time.

Anyway, the point of the story. My sis and I were talking about friends. She so misses hers from home, although one now lives in Texas. Some of them are coming out to visit in July and she is very excited for that. I too miss my friends from home, but not as much. My hometown friends and I have history, but we have such different perspectives on things, and seem to want different things and be heading different ways. I can't really say it well. I like their company very much, but they are all settled into their family thing ( which is great) and seem to be content with where they are socially or physically. We meet and we talk about what's going on, our kids, our jobs, our kids, etc. And then the well runs dry. There's nothing more to say. That's not true for all, but most. They are great, but we are not close. Maybe that's what comes with distance, but I kinda remember it being that way when I lived there too.

Here I have met a few wonderful people. They enjoy life. They talk, ya know, "talk" about stuff - ambition, feelings, hope, disappointment, family. Not all the time, but enough. And they share their "shit" too. They share their weaknesses, strengths, thoughts. I have one - two friends on the east coast who I miss dearly, but I have been fortunate enough to find a few very special people here. A few who I am close with, and a few who I just work with, but I see that they are quality people too. Don't misunderstand, there are a fair share of assholes here too, but a lot of good people.

My sister misses her friends. Denver may reap a different kind of person than here. I think I know other people who feel that way too. Perhaps there is a differentiation when people like to be alone
- People who are alone because they feel they have to be - no friends around
- People who choose to be alone, but know that their are friends around if they don't want to be

I understand that. I know that if my sister ever leaves, that will be the biggest test of my friends here. They will still be my friends if they fail that test, but that test may determine a part of my life. I will feel alone when she leaves. I know that. She is my best friend. But if my friends here can listen to me cry, hug me, talk with and distract me, then I will know that I am not alone. I just need to be sure that I am ready to provide for them when they need too.

I once read that one of the keys to a happy life is surrounding yourself with good people. I think most people are good on some level. But I know I prefer some over others. I hope to find many good people during my life. And I hope that I will become one too. :-)

The power of song

Hnmmm. Have I used this title before?? It popped up when I typed in the first few letters. I dunno.

Anyway, I was browsing random blogs as I like to be nosy and find out about others adventures and whoas. I came upon this one with a great song "Starting Now" by Ingrid Michaelson. what a great song. Not totally accurate to current feelings, but one of those release anger kind. Cool song. I'll download it after I am done typing this.

I may list other songs I dig on a certain day. Help me keep track and maybe give a random reader a suggestion for listening.

Yeah, I like that idea......

Blue Collar Comedy Tour

I just stumbled upon these folks on TV and it reminded me of how much I like them. Comedy routines are typically a hit or miss with me, but these guys "always" say something that makes me laugh.

Tonight they have a few routines running back to back. One of the things that made me laugh was after Larry the Cable Guy said something to Jeff Foxworthy, he then said, "You can use that for your next album and it may go aluminum." Or when the guy who drinks and smokes all the time ( I think they call him "Tater") spoke of his son....."When my son was 6, ya know, 'Tater Tot'....."

I have a mission to see these guys live. Too funny !!!!!!

Tell it to yourself again

"The one thing in life you can control is your attitude."I can't credit the person who said this. Maybe there have been many, but I do believe that the sentiment is true, although a times quite a difficult task.

I wonder if that means that you can control you brain too?? You know, those times that your initial reaction or your thoughts or feelings lead you in one direction, but you ascribe a different "spin" to it, give yourself a party line to follow in the hopes that your eventually believe it. I think people do this all the time. "fate" "this is the way it has to be" "this is for the best" "I don't expect" "I'll take you at your word" etc.

I do this sometimes. Is it lying? Saying what I have reasoned to be true, saying what is or seems to be the best, but not totally believing all of it.... yet.

Let's take a situation. You are getting a review from your boss. In a way, you do respect your boss and want he/she to respect your work and maybe even you. Yet you prepare yourself for less than desired dialogue. You prompt yourself with the idea, "I don't really care what they think. I just want a raise" You might even be more honest with yourself by saying," I hope they say something good, but if they don't, it's not that big of deal. I don't care what they think. I just want the raise."

This is self protection, right? The self preservation party line. You really do care, you just don't want to leave that piece of control to them. You really do want them to say something good and it will effect you if they say something negative. You just don't want to admit it or acknowledge that it's true. You don't want to give them that power over how you feel. You give yourself the line to try and make yourself believe that it isn't true.

So, in the spirit of "you have control of everything that happens to you", should you always be truthful of your mind and heart or is subscribing to the socialist self preservation party allowed? Can you be truthful to yourself while not matching the truth of heart and mind to the sound of word? Saying things in total contradiction to the felt truth. Or if you hope what your saying will be true, is that sincere enough. Saying things that create a safe situation. It's not totally the truth, but eventually you hope it will be.

Can you really say, "I don't expect you to do _________, but I want you to do _____. I will wonder if you don't, and be hurt for awhile, but it will most likely go away." I don't think I can. It would come out like, "Eh, do what you want. It doesn't matter. " Maybe after saying that awhile though, you'll start to believe it. And then, it is the truth.

Just say it to yourself again and again.

Something amazing

Just a short random thought...

I was speaking to one of my colleagues who seems to have led a remarkable life. I'm sure it's her perspective, but all the same. I am not envious of her, but in wonder I guess. She invited me over to her family's to spend 4th of July with them. As I accepted, we were joking about fireworks here in Co. Springs. She mentioned that the year her family moved here, they all loaded on their roof to see the fireworks that were going to be launched from Pikes Peak. Of course they were going to be larger than life, and the most spectacular fireworks ever. What did they look like? Little blips of color as the mountain's size and distance away over compensated the size of the fireworks. She said all they could do was laugh.

Ok, then I had mentioned that I'd at some point like to see fireworks at the capital... and not on TV. She had lived in Falls Church for a time where she met her husband. He was away at the time but made a date to drive from Canada to DC so that they could see a concert and the fireworks. He picked up a hitchhiker and with that persons help drove all the way from Banff to Pennsylvania where he broke his water pump. His dad helped him fix that ( I assume that he lives somewhere in PA) and told him to hurry up and get to DC so he could marry her. Well, he got to DC in time for the concert and the fireworks show. Ends up, he didn't propose at that time, but shortly later and still on the mall.

That was just a cool story.

I think.... will something like that ever happen to me?? I suppose the truth is no one knows.

So then I thought for a minute and she asked what I was thinking about. Although it seems funny to say, I told her that I was thinking about the movie "The Incredibles". I further explained that there is a little boy sitting on a tricycle as Mr. Incredible gets home. He asks, " What are you waiting for?" and the boy replies," I don't know. Something amazing I guess."

I think that is my current motto for life, "I don't know what I am waiting for. Something amazing I guess."

Fate

Here goes another "off the wall" entry, but I have to think through something and am trying various methods of doing so.

Have you ever had the feeling that a life event or situation has recurred for you ( either once or several times) and the outcome is never what you had wanted? It's like you take the ride once, you make choices a,b and c and it ends x. Then you take the ride again and try choices d,e and f and it still ends x. Does that equation equal fate? That whatever you do, whatever the circumstances, the equation always ends the same. Or does that simply mean there is a hidden factor, or perhaps simply another factor at work in each equation that makes them both come to the same end?

I did not excel at math so I don't know if there exists a viable mathematical correlation but I can say that I have seen this equation in real life and I don't like it. I don't like it because a) I don't like the answer b) I don't have the information I want to know how the answer happened c) no matter what I did, I had no control over the answer, yet the answer impacts me in some way.

Control. There's a whole 'nother bag of worms. When I was younger, even to say 8 years ago, I would not have even entertained the thought of labeling myself a control freak. Easy going, go with the flow would have been better. In the last few years, I see this increasing tendency to want control, or at least thorough understanding of things to the point of being dominering in some regards and downright nosy in others. I can explain how that has happened, but that doesn't mean I like it or really know how to navigate it. The "go with the flow" mentality works well when whatever force you do have your trust in pulls through for you or the outcomes are not ones that violate your trust in that force. A simplistic example is a person who leaves what they eat up to the preparer, but they are allergic to nuts. They are fine with whatever the preparer makes. But one time the preparer either accidentally or purposefully makes something with nuts threatening the well being of the eater. The eater can fire the cook and get a new one, or give the old one another chance,but the damage has been done. The eater may never eat as carefree as they did before because one time threatened their life. Or can they ??

This scenario holds true in my personal life as well as my professional one. Take chances and get burned. Yeah, I get that. But the more you get burned, the more scars you have, and the more scars you have, the less impetuous you are to entering situations that risk you getting burned. Or you more carefully monitor the degree in which you can get burned, in turn risking missing what you aren't investing in? Is that the way it works ?

Even if it is, to live life and take chances while regarding your own personal, psychological, and economic well being seems to me an almost impossible pendulum to balance. Let people in so that they can hurt, disappoint, ignore you or live in isolation and experience none of the friendship, love, and other benefits that people can offer. Do a job you love for little pay or do something you doesn't give you any personal satisfaction to reap the financial benefits? Seek something out or be determined to make it happen where you are. What is right?? What feels good? Well, what if at a given point in time no choice feels good? Or what if the situation doesn't feel good and you don't know your choices? Or don't like them?

I don't want to elaborate upon current situations. Let's stay in the hypotheticals, but I have been here before. I know history repeats itself but can't it wait a lifetime to do so?? Is there a force that tries to teach you lessons and therefore makes you repeat the problem until you get the right answer - the right one not necessarily being the one you wanted. And what if the lessons you have learned don't feel like the high road or some greater good knowledge, but rather like wounds that hadn't been stitched all that well before and are now ripped open again. I suppose the lessons may be a) stop putting yourself in situations that can reopen old wounds c) keep lots of tissues around and c) try to learn how to stitch better. If so, I better take some serious sewing classes.

If fate really is a+b+c = x and d+e+f = x, then fate sucks. Someone let me speak to fate's supervisor.

Thunderbirds cont

Well, today was the day and up until about 1:30 it was VERY cloudy... hence no air show. They graciously flew by about 3 times, but with the cloud cover, I would have feared for their safety - never mind the fact that visibility sucked for those on the ground. So sorry, no pictures today. Maybe next year.

Thunderbirds

Just by luck, on an outing today, we got to see the practice of the US Air Force Thunderbirds for the upcoming USAFA graduation. This is definitely a perk for this area. There were 6 planes in the air, whooshing and roaring by and it was incredible. We sat in a lawn area off of I-25 for about 35 minutes watching ballet done by 6 multi-billion dollar aircrafts. It was so loud, so invigorating, so breathtaking, so AWESOME!!!

If I can manage, I'll try to get some pictures from Wednesday's ceremony, but no promises. If I can't, just watch Top Gun and turn up the TV too loud. It's not the real thing, but it'll get you close.

Men and women from outer space

So, many moons ago, my ex mother in law bought me "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus". During the time of my marriage, I never read it ( me being my stubborn mule of a self) Anyway, I just began it and so far can safely say that I am impressed. The first chapter is talking about communication and handling stress. Parts make me laugh because of it's blatant truth... or at least what I can relate to as truth. Men hide in caves and women talk for freedom. Ok, that is a FAR too small and unfair simplification, but... it's one of the ideas. It says that men seclude themselves to handle the larger problem at hand... to find a suitable solution. Women talk through theirs, going from situation to situation many times in a irrational chronology and rarely stating the underlying problem, so that they can feel cared for while thinking out their own problems. The author does such a better job elaborating on the scenarios, but reading it really made me smile with sympathy. How men and women cohabitate may be one of the natural wonders.

I'll keep you posted if there are any other astounding revelations.

My comfort comes in reading this book earlier wouldn't have changed anything. :-)

Just something funny that came over email

This is just proof that it pays to stay young at heart :-)

KIDS ARE QUICK

TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America.
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America?
CLASS: Maria.
____________________________________

TE ACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
__________ ________________________________
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
____________________________________________
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
__________________________________
TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
________________________ ________ _______
TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with 'I.'
MILLIE: I is..
TEACHER: No , Millie. .... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
_ __________ _ ______ _______________
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.
______________________________________

TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
______________________________

TEACHER: Clyde, your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
CLYDE: No, sir. It's the same dog.
________ ___________________________
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher

Too smart for that

Something was told to me yesterday that has resounded in my head today. A fellow teacher was talking about a senior and her plans for the future. She had mentioned a desire to become a teacher. In doing so, she also mentioned her father's comment to the idea sounding something like," Why do you want to be a teacher?? You are too smart for that?" In conclusion, the student shared that her direction of study has been redirected from teaching to another path.

Another day that same father thanked the teacher for their impact on his child's life?? Are you kidding me? The teacher responded in her head,"Yeah, aren't you glad a teacher who was Summa Cum Laude and accepted to Columbia University impacted your child?"

The gaul to imply that teachers are from a lesser god. There may be a "little" truth in the dictum," those who can't do, teach". But I believe there is a variation to that - "those who can't do, probably can't teach either". Teachers may not all be masters of their field, but many are. That alone doesn't make them a good teacher. They need not only a passion for their subject, but a passion for caring about and teaching students, teaching people. Everyone who has had schooling can differentiate between the teachers who knew little about their subject, the teachers who knew everything about their subject and couldn't teach it, and the teachers who knew their subject and cared about their students' world in addition to their success in their subject. You can tell the teacher who teaches for money and the teacher who teaches for effect. I can easily name at least 5 of the later. Thank you Mrs. Ecton, Mr. Gisriel, Ms. Bell, Mrs. Hendrickson, and Mr. Scherer.

"Too smart to be a teacher?" A better comment may have been "perhaps you should redirect your talents into a more lucrative career." That at least is true, but don't call teachers stupid. Self sacrificing, socially unrecognized, yes. Stupid, some, but don't classify the whole class. There are just as many stupid political scientists, engineers, doctors, and PhD'ers out there too, but they're just better paid for theirs. Teachers get to share their "stupidity" with all posterity.

I don't mean to self glorify, but I do mean to glorify the profession. Tell me how many other jobs that you have to act and sell your product to 12-20 people for 4-5 hours a day, plan 2-3 hours a day to do so, as well as staying informed and caring about the break-ups, suicide status, divorce rate, abusive home, learning disability, financial woes, and social traumas of those to whom your selling your product, not to mention satiating the 15-40 adults associated to them who all know how to better do your job, and the administrations which give you 15 hours of "professional development" responsibilities, overwhelming paperwork, and duties to perform in those hours in which you weren't doing all of the above. yeah, tell me how many people do this for $15 an hour. Who work 50-65 hours weeks and barely get paid for 40. I'll tell you how many, a lot.

No wonder the educational system in America has it's whoas. It's obviously a profession that we all rely on, yet is saved for the stupid.

The man who said that is "stupid" aka ignorant and self absorbed. I'm sure whatever he is doing is "greatly" impacting others at $40+ an hour. Just keep typing pally. Grrrrrrr.

You know you're a band nerd if...

Your action figures look like this...



Luke Skywalker, eat your heart out.

Day of possibility

Oh, this week seems to have been a grand rollercoaster. From professional events to personal ones I was kinda looking forward to this weekend. Yesterday was the capping ceremony for our seniors. It's the time that we read paragraphs about the graduating seniors... paragraphs written by staff members. And the seniors pick a person who they think contributed to their path during high school to place their cap on their head for the first time. This was a really special one for me ( as it is my third to attend) because I was chosen to cap one of my seniors. It came as a geniune surprise, but a truly flattering thing. Band people aren't highly sentimental anyway and the fact that this young man chose me to cap him is nothing short of the BIGGEST compliment I could be paid.

This is that senior, another student, the assistant band director and me at Elitches after a band competition:



After the ceremony, I went back to teach a few classes and then joined some friends for dinner and coffee. It was good.

At coffee, I was asked what I had planned for this weekend. I had forgotten that it is Memorial weekend. I guess everyone has something planned for Memorial day weekend. Well, everyone save me :-). I have some odds and ends to tie up, but nothing pressing. I was heading out to grab a drink and go for a walk when...the best I can say is.. my back went out. I'm too young for this, but it happens sometimes. About 7 years ago, when working, I was told that I lifted something heavier than I should have and that I herniated a disk. It's not dibilitating, except for times like now, when it hurts if you move incorrectly. I am sure this will pass, hopefully within a few hours as it is a very pretty day here, but we'll see. Drugs and staying still will hopefully do the trick here, and hopefully quickly.

Once my back is better, who knows. Anything is possible.

Great expectation - or no expectation

Have you ever had a task set before you and you didn't want to do it?? Yeah, well, that's why this entry exists. I am sitting at my desk avoiding the pressing duties of my job, because they aren't at critical mass yet and.... I don't feel like doing them. Strong rationale, I know. :-(

Anyway, the choir has just completed their final hurrah concert of the year. So much work went into it besides the rehearsal. Our tech guy has had surgery so he's out of commission and the choir takes this performance off site - doubling the amount of technological work needed to be done by non- technological people. Well, the directors and the kids started set up at 7:30 am the day before the concert. They then went to school and rehearsed at the performance site that evening. The next day they performed 2 shows and tore down with the evening concluding maybe close to 11-11:30pm.

Well today I visited the choir director's classroom/ office to congratulate my colleague on a job well done. I had seen the second show with my little guy and, due to trying to maintain a reasonable bedtime, we left before the show was over. So I go to her room only to find her crying. Never good.

She expressed that she was exhausted, which of course annihilates a female's emotional barometer. That and, in the flurry of set up, performing, and tear down, her student's failed to recognize her at the end of the concert. This is a HUGE deal as every year for the last 5 years, the graduating choir students come up on stage at the end of the concert and offer kind words and a gift of gratitude. They aren't prompted to do it, they just do. In fact, they created that precedent. Band kids didn't start that until last year and are still quite awkward at it. ( it's still pretty cool though :-) ) Choir folk are a little more sentimental/ touchy feely that way anyway. Band kids, a high five and a hand shake goes for miles. A hug is like monumental.

Anyway, no such demonstration occurred. Although it's not fair to expect such a display, a precedent had been set and the current seniors notably did not follow suit. She noticed this and is left to wonder why. Rational thought may be that there was too much to do to organize such a thing, or that they just forgot, or the worst scenario, they didn't want to. She doesn't want to be hurt by this, but.... how can she not be. She's human and has invested so much time and effort, and in her case, honest love for the well being of her students. She did all this without the expectation of acknowledgment yet it's absence is felt. What's worse is that other folk commented to her their notice of the absence of a thank you. So she partly insinuated that those people are saying that this class did not "like" her as well as her others. ( there's no real reason to think that) So not only did she notice it, but is was noticed, and worse yet commented on by others.

Being away from it, I can see maybe more than she can right now, but I still know what she is feeling. How do you keep from expecting?? People do what they do for whatever reasons lie within them, but how do you dismiss all need for gratitude, all want of the acknowledgment that someone gives a damn?? And even if it had been done every year for how many years, how do you not be hurt when it isn't once... or twice? Maybe this is how people feel when family forgets a birthday? Perhaps not the best comparison.

Is it really possible to try and have no expectation of others while you hold such great expectation of yourself? Is that even realistic ?? Or is it better just to not ever give a damn? Then what others do or don't do has no meaning..... right?

She'll get over it and I am confident her seniors will acknowledge the meaning of her work and care... of simply of "her" over the next few days. But, I wish they knew how the oversight or absence of intent hurt her now. She has invested so much into them. Time, energy, thought, concern, family invovlement, administrative intersession.....etc.

Oh, what they don't know.....

Tribute to Teachers

This came over school email and is soooo very true... Non teachers read and heed :-)

YOU might be a school employee if you believe the playground should be equipped with a Ritalin salt lick.

YOU might be a school employee if you want to slap the next person who says, 'Must be nice to work 8 to 3:30 and have
summers off.

YOU might be a school employee if it is difficult to name your own child because there's no name you can come up with that
doesn't bring high blood pressure as it is uttered.

YOU might be a school employee if you can tell it's a full moon or if it going to rain, snow, hail....anything!!! Without ever
looking outside.

YOU might be a school employee if you believe, 'shallow gene pool' should have its own box on a report card.

YOU might be a school employee if you believe that unspeakable evils will befall you if anyone says, 'Boy, the kids sure are
mellow today.'

YOU might be a school employee if when out in public, you feel the urge to snap your fingers at children you do not know
and correct their behavior.

YOU might be a school employee if you have no social life between August and June.

YOU might be a school employee if you think people should have a government permit before being allowed to reproduce.

YOU might be a school employee if you wonder how some parents MANAGED to reproduce.

YOU might be a school employee if you laugh uncontrollably when people refer to the staff room as the 'lounge.'

YOU might be a school employee if you encourage an obnoxious parent to check into charter schools or home schooling and
are willing to donate the UHAUL boxes should they decided to move out of district.

YOU might be a school employee if you think caffeine should be available in intravenous form.

YOU might be a school employee if you can't imagine how the ACLU could think that covering your students chair with
Velcro and then requiring uniforms made out of the corresponding Velcro could ever be misunderstood by the public.

YOU might be a school employee if meeting a child's parent instantly answers this question, 'Why is this kid like this?'

YOU might be a school employee if you would choose a mammogram over a parent conference.

YOU might be a school employee if you think someone should invent antibacterial pencils and crayons...and desks and chairs
for that matter!

YOU might be a school employee if the words 'I have college debt for this?' has ever come out of your mouth.

YOU might be a school employee if you know how many days, minutes, and seconds are left in the school year!

Change - the scary constant

So many things changing, so few brain cells to handle it with.

I thought moving out to Colorado was a big change for me, a big shift in direction, an open door to possibility. Currenlty, there are more big changes in the wind.

For me there is currently a scurry to buy a house. Whether it's a bad decision, good decision, or great decision I can't feel/tell and it's bugging the hell out of me. The market is good, maybe great, but the timing sucks. Me and timing. We are like .... ( can't think of a powerful analogy) we don't jive. That and although I KNOW I need to, settling down permanently has lost a little of its attraction. That and, I fear buying a house like getting married again. I REALLY don't want to get stuck with something that I don't adore. But, if you don't look, you may never find something you adore. And the longer you wait, you may wait yourself out of the possibility of getting something you do adore. Not enough down payment or too many wrinkles :-).

Today I checked out the eHarmony website. I am torn with intrigue and disgust. I never saw myself as needing to go online to meet someone, but I don't think I see myself anywhere specific right now. I wonder if I should have sucked up the bad things and tried to stay married or how long I can hold life together running single. I know I didn't see myself as a single mother because that itself, with all its joys, complicates other arenas significantly. That and I hope I don't get so desperate that I am willing to settle for something less than great due to desperation and fatigue. At this point I may be sold for the first guy that holds my hand without the immediate sign of a design to hold something else. :-) Almost like I may buy the house that I can afford that doesn't have holes in the wall, regardless of all it's other flaws.

The future is foggy at best. There are many feelings that I don't handle well and one of those is the feeling of being stuck. We'll see how all this goes. I don't want to get stuck in a house. I don't want to get stuck in an apartment. I don't want to get stuck in a relationship. I don't want to be stuck alone. Yet, at the moment, I am feeling a little.... stuck.

I need to take action on one or all of these things, but I think I'm going to hide in my work for a little bit. I seem to be needed there, I am fairly successful there, I am appreciated there, and although all plans don't come to fruition, I can psuedo-successfully plan there.

Leave things to chance or take a chance. Is it ever the "right" time or do you just do something and hope it was a good time to do so. And how do you say goodbye to a hope that something would be right??

There's a line that says that you can't hide from your problems, but you have to face them. What that saying fails to address is how do you prepare to face those problems, or do you just learn from the scrapes, scratches, and bruises you get as your problems beat the hell out of you. Is it that you err enough and use all the other bad choices before you try and find the right one?

There's a song lyric " Stand in the place where you live. Now face north, think about direction, wonder why you haven't before" What if you're thinking about it but your compass is spinning around like a merry-go-round? Close your eyes and walk or wait for the nausea to subside and go from there.

I don't know.

Events of late

In my efforts to;
a) do something constructive
b) procrastinate
I want to record some ideas.

If anyone reads this but me (which occasionally I hope the answer to that is no) you have learned that if you are searching for a straight progressive train of thought, it isn't here.

Stupid vs irresponsible. This was a discussion which I promised to think on. The argument made was stupid is singular in regards to effect and irresponsible is multiple. The two may not be totally synomous but are related or....( I know there is a great mathematical term here that I am not thinking of) linked ( that wasn't it). Can something be irresponsible without being stupid? I think I agree that the answer is no.

Guest speaker at school - Wow. This woman about my age or a year or two my elder, told a story of here fiancee getting his head blown off while an RA at his college, because he failed in successfully "ratting out" 2 druggies at his school. So they hunted him out in return. Her speech was to the student population was about choices concerning alcohol and drugs and why not to take part in either. As much as the story grieved and moved me, she said a thing or 2 that I didn't agree with.... perhaps because I choose to drink on occasion. I medically may be mistaken, but I think the problems with substance abuse ( most particularly alcohol) are recognition of personal weakness, personal accountability and responsibility, and education. Does Europe have the young adult problem with alcohol that we do in America? How do I get the answer to that?? If it wasn't a forbidden fruit and people could be educated on how to use it, maybe it wouldn't be so attractive. Yes, it does have some mind altering affects, but amount, type and time can all be figured on how to handle that.... if it is desired to be handled. To an addictive personality, it may be a very wise choice to never sample an addictive substance. Or to the person who doesn't like the smell or taste of it, they can never try it an be alright. But, I don't believe a person should be instructed of only the tragedy alcohol has caused without knowing the effects - pro and con of the substance and being able to sample and know how it might affect them should they choose to imbibe it. Lastly, have a plan. I do not endorse driving impaired, regardless of your driving record. Be in good, safe, trustworthy company in case you drink far beyond the point of sanity or consciousness. People who do that at large random parties or bars... I am sorry... get what they get.

Rehearsal last night....EE gad. This was not pretty. Our conductor was all but pissed, and he has every right to be. Our concert is this weekend and Monday night - not so good. He is an odd bird ( and I don't entirely mind admitting that I have a small attraction to him as he is peculiar in that "genius" sort of way) but... he needs to lighten up A LOT and he needs to be willing to admit that he can and does err too. That being said, he was fully in his right to blow a gasket last night as there were moments of major suckage for this level of group. People coming in at the wrong times, wrong notes, bad intonation..... just not pretty. The principal bassoon player suggested that we put the conductor on suicide watch as , being a rather tightly wound gentleman to begin with, he was battling some major anger issues and perhaps high blood pressure last night. If we were more friendly, I would have offered to buy him a drink as he sure needed one.... or 10.

What else?? Christian had a bloody nose tonight. A real gusher. This is a little bit of unfamiliar territory as I never have had a bloody nose. So, after getting it under control, I went online to see what can cause them. Nothing there that was surprising. The saddest part of the event was when Christian apologized for getting blood on his t-shirt and on the floor, as I'd get in trouble by the apartment people for getting blood on the floor. I told him not to worry over either. I cleaned the floor and washed the tee. Besides, if the shirt were stained, he'd practically outgrown it anyway.

I need to help this kid come out of his 40's and back to 8. But I love him :-)

I'm pushing not getting my 8 hours so I better stop here. Let's see what happens during the rest of the week/month/ whenever I type again.

O Magnum Mysterium

Can't sleep. This is not good as I'll probably be worthless tomorrow, but, that doesn't change the truth of the matter that I can't sleep.

Anyway, as i lay in bed, my heart pounding a little too fast for comfort, I keep hearing this piece in my head that I am rehearsing with my one ensemble. It is entitled " O Magnum Mysterium" by Morten Laurisden. It is a MAGNIFICENT work. A renaissance polyphonic work.... before the days of melody and harmony. All lines are melody. Basically whoever has moving notes is the most important at any one given time. The way that the lines interweave creating these POWERFUL moments of tension and release is just....... amazing.

It was originally written as a choral work in Latin ( which I, in all honestly, have not translated). It is a sacred work, but don't let that chase you away. In order to really feel its power you have to hear it performed by voice. The way the voices intertwine is most purely represented by the human voice.

The instrumental transcription is very well done and very challenging for any players, but very much so for high schoolers. The students are doing fabulously, but the obstacle is getting them to feel it.... experience it.... not play it. I wish I knew how to attach sound clips as I have several recordings, but please let me solicit you to look them up. ( or if someone wants to send a quick tutorial, I'll attach them)

The opening statement is like a plea made by the French horn and saxophone. The sentiment is then sympathized with by the clarinet and flute. There is a pause and a stronger statement of the same plea is made again by the sax and horn and continued on for a short time. Because the statements are so brief the power of the tension created by the dissonances reaching for a consonant resolution, regardless of how brief is just ........ aaaahhh, indescribable. There are times that the instruments need to sound like an angel taking the back of their hand and lightly brushing a persons cheek in an offer of comfort or a time when the all the sounds come forcefully together to show beams of brillant light bursting through a thick of storm clouds to just consume the skies with light. And then from all this excitement, in seconds to return to a sense of peace and tranquility, of quiet hope and comfort. Amazing. There are so many of such moments in this piece, but the kids I think still just see notes, not moments, not pictures.

Notes on a page to experience. How do you teach that? Music is aural representation of sight, feeling, experience, emotion. It's not first valve. Yet it is a concept that I learn and relearn, live and relive everyday. Some music connects with you like a pleasant touch or a familiar friend. You feel it and know it. And then there is the music that touches you, but instead like sandpaper as toliet paper. Yet, that music meant as much to the writer as the other, but _you_ just don't respond to it the same. It's so much more than sound.

When I can get someone to "feel" the music, to experience whatever movie or sensation the sounds elicit from them, then they have learned.

Listen to this piece "O Magnum Mysterium". It is as it's title infers. I think I'll play in on iTunes to take the burden off my head.

So many thoughts, so little organization

So, what does one do when they've knocked their sleep cycle out of order and have watched so much television, you believe life is a sitcom? For me, you think 20 thoughts simultaneously and wonder what to do with any one of them. In the idea that I might follow up on one, or heaven forbid, all of these, let me ramble what some of them were.

#1 - What are my goals? People ask this of themselves sometimes, right? I mean, you read it in self help articles all the time, but... what do people answer this question with? If someone were to ask me this right now, I'd probably respond with a profound "I dunno". I want to be a good person, whatever that is worth. I want to be a good mother, and a good role model, but I have to admit that I am not totally sure what that looks like all the time. I want to be a good teacher, but there are days that I am not even sure I want to teach anymore. I don't know whether that is because I don't think that I am doing it well, or because I have done it now and I am "over it". If I am over it, can I become into it again?? Can that happen with life in general.... or with people? I mean, is that way relationships and friendships wane? So people just get burnt out of other people ??

#2 - I'm looking for something, but can't lay my finger exactly on what. I am so jealous of people who seem to have a fire up their ass for things or causes that I personally couldn't care less for. But these people are so focused and driven. How did that happen? Do they get such pleasure and joy from what they are doing that all else on meaningless? Or are they avoiding things that maybe they can't handle so they consume themselves in things they can? I think I am in a little rut, and am not sure what action I am going to take to move from it. I have had lots of ideas, from fair and reasonable to, wow... who the hell are you and you'd never do that if it could be associated back to you. ( watching a little too much Sex in the City :-) ) How do you balance a desire for adventure with reality and responsibilty?

#3 How important is it to be in a relationship? I have no idea. There are times I am like, Yeeha -let's get that going, to the other times that I am like, Yeah..... no. I have my ideas, but maybe they are what's in the way. Besides, who has time to go looking for a relationship? And when you find one, how much time and energy do you commit to it? How do people really get to know people anyway. Anyone who thinks they no me and haven't hung out with me and little C doesn't know jack. And what do you do....wear a pin stating single mother of one, never home, loves music, slightly neurotic, loves to go out, will never be a size 8 and doesn't like Indian food ( mostly)? I mean really, let's save the trouble. Get all the cons out there and see of there are any takers. All women should put themselves out there with no makeup even. Then you at least see the real external picture. Makeup and push up bras are for the hope, not the reality.

Christian keeps asking when I am going to get remarried. Is that normal for an 8 year old. It's more a response I would have expected from an overly instrusive mother. My mother isn't very hands on in that catagory..... thank God.

My battery is about to die, so I'll publish this and see if I am moved to work further tomorrow. I'd make it a goal, but, let's face it, these ramblings are for me. If someone I didn't know could offer the answers to these things, then rock on. Otherwise, it's self assessment on the internet.

Why do I do this again????

So this is how it rolls

Plus, I slept a LIFETIME today and I do feel a bit better. Negative, the doctor says I should expect to feel less than great for sometime. Ughh. These breathing issues will be with me for a while, but they say they will get better. I am just to try to sleep and move the gunk as much as possible during the day. I think I am going to open a personals page and put that on the description... "hot single mom ( due to accoassional fever) that may cough often to move her gunk" Man, I should be busy.

Anyway, I guess I need to accept that my immune system has been pummeled and I need time for it to reload. I'll see how that plays out. Soon I'll be jogging a the Garden of the Gods, but right now, I'll hang with my friends with their oxygen tanks :-).

I am glad to be off the steriods soon as I think they are not a good match for me. I think they even may make me a little depressed. That's not cool.

So, there's the lastest health report. Today, I sign a renewal of my lease and tomorrow, it is off to the DMV to get my plates registered. There's an uplifting thought. Not the ideal way to conclude spring break, but..... could have been worse.

For today's viewing pleasure it had been Shawshank Redemption and The Princess Bride. Better than yesterday's fair.

This is the cold that never ends

So, here it is a week and a half after I "offically" got sick and..... and I am still sick. This one is rough. Doctor visits on Tuesday and Thursday earned me steriods, an inhaler, and pnemonia antibiotic. A hospital visit this past Tuesday ( or was it Monday) got me another inhaler and cough syrup with codiene. Now, I am irritable, exhausted all the time yet can't sleep, and I still wheeze. As of this very moment, I am not a fan of the medical institution. I head to the doctor's again tomorrow morning and then hopefully to a pulmenologist. I'm just ready to feel better.

The doctor took bloodwork which says something about mono reactivating. I had that the summer before my senior year. It was the first time I had ever been to a hospital. I don't remember much of the experience save I was there for a few days, watched a lot of cartoons, and asked my boyfriend at the time to bring me deoderant. ( I never was much the traditionalist). I had to leave a summer music camp I was attending for the mono. We just didn't know that I had mono then. Just that I was super tired and puking a lot.

This time, no puking, although I'd be game. Rather just exhaustion and wheezing. The wheezing is better, but it really stinks to hear yourself gurgle after climbing a set of stairs. :-(

Today, I took my son to see "Horton Hears a Who" which is definately a red box rental. The book is far superior.... and that just seems sad to say when it is Dr. Suess. Anyway, I feel asleep during the 88 minute marvel. That's just sad.

That and I HATE steroids. I remember the first time I took them after a cold in West Virginia. They made me like super woman and I cleaned our whole half house, from scrubbing the kitchen and bathroom floors to waxing the living room ones. This time, they haven't been all that great.

They are telling me to take them as they supposedly have anti-inflamatory effects. What they do have is emotional altering affects. I can be bitchy by self nature, but these pills take away almost all tolerance. I have snapped at my son for the stupidest things. I almost wanted to destroy a letter or something like it when it wasn't where I has thought it to be. I get angry when there is nothing on TV and I can't sleep. So angry I grind my teeth and like.... seeth. I really do not like this medicine and am anxious to come off of it.

Tomorrow, at the doctors, I just want some acknowledgement that something is still not right. Well, that and more antibiotics. It is scary that on Monday I need to return to work, from 7:30-4:00 and then a rehearsal from 7:30 to 10 to be followed by a 7:00am rehearsal on Tuesday. How am I supposed to do that when I can't make it through "Horton" ? I am scared. I am preparing 3 groups for festival and already took off 3 days. I can't take anymore days ( well I can if I have too, but I REALLY DON"T want to). We ( the kids and me) need to work, and I need to find the energy to work. It's such a pisser not to be able to do the things you think you're supposed to be able to do.

Right now, I am exhausted, but my stomach is upset and I can't sleep. So here I am with my laptop watching "The Music Man". I was hoping me tale could bore me to sleep. Eh, might have worked :-)

Here's hoping.........

Easter adventures

Happy Easter. Whatever your personal religious convictions, hopefully something nice has come of today for you.

We just finished coloring easter eggs at my place. I've always enjoyed doing that... although I don't always enjoy eating all the eggs after the fact :-) Sometimes a little egg salad goes a long way.

A little story - My son called me yesterday to let me know that he would be staying at his grandparents house for the evening. He then asked what time I would pick him up. I told him and then, being a planner, he wanted to know what his day would be like when he got home. I told him we would color easter eggs. He was very excited to hear that. After a small time had passed he very smartly asked," But what eggs are the Easter Bunny going to hide?" Hmmmm. I slyly answer that I was pretty sure that the EB had a stash of his own. He conceeded that idea, thank goodness.

So, we hunted plastic eggs and colored real ones. Thank goodness for Target.

Do you remember hunting for eggs when you were younger? Heck, I'd still do it now. I loved going to a big park with a basket, or through a large building running around scouring for colored eggs. We did this with various groups and, of course through church. I'm pretty sure some kids from my neighborhood got together to do this too, at least a few times. It was so fun, and the candy,and sometimes money, made it even more fun.

Why would people not do this?? I can't understand.

Today it is my son, my aunt, my sister and me. Actually it's just me now as the others went to run some errands. I was hoping to write something great, but I'm pretty sure I am just rambling now. I'll do more of that, I'm sure.

So, Happy Easter. Hopefully everyone gets to find something they were looking for. And if you're looking for egg salad, I'll have some to spare.

Finally feeling human

So, it's been 3 months since my last post. Glad I don't get paid to write these.

It's the Satuday before Easter and the first day I have felt even a bit alive in the past....4 days. I have been what I consider overly tired for about the last month or so, but I figured that to be work and life related. Tuesday night, at a rehearsal, I began feeling achey, so I suspected I was about to get the flu. Wednesday I went to the doc and the flu test came back negative. He sent me home with an inhaler and steriods. I thought there might be a chance of a stort lived ick. Friday things still continued to stink so I went back and he told me I have pnemonia.

For the record this is my second bout with pnemonia this year. The last time, fittingly, was Christmas break. This time, Easter.

Felt a little bit the same... except for the achy part, so I knew I had to go back for the second doctor visit. These versions seem hard for them to diagnose because both times, I never ran a rediculous fever or ( not to be too gross) brought up colored crap. The story is that it's not bacterial, but viral. I guess that makes it not visible on a chest X-ray, but it's audible... with or without a stethescope sadly.

This time was rough, and I am hoping it to be over soon. Wednesday annihilated me and I woke in the morning crying. I felt worse than I had in a long time. That got even worse yet as my temporary break down made my son cry too. Way to add insult to injury.

Anyway, my friends from work were my life line. One brought me cough syrup and some vitamin packets and the other... well, she taught my classes :-).

I think one of the things I had time to sleep and think about was how much I miss being at my parents house when I am ill.... really ill, I mean. I remember when my mom would bring me hot or cold washcloths (case depending) and bring me food or water. I remember my dad bringing me a hot tea or popcicle. When I was married, my husband never did any of those things, but at least there was another body in the house in case something really bad happened. This is the first time I was really freaked out about being on my own.

I was like a lump for a long time. It hurt to breathe and so I didn't have energy to do anything. Forget laundry or cleaning the bathroom. Getting up to make a tea or toast was brutal. I slept or sat more than I care to admit. I know I was fine... that I am fine ( considering this is the first time I felt the desire to do anything but watch crappy movies) but it's scary to think how you are going to handle all the things that need to be handled. And handle them alone.

Can't say I've really had to to that. My sister agreed to pick up the little guys' Easter basket and goodies for me. I'll pay her of course. Nonetheless I'm really grateful she did that, so Christian wouldn't just get the crap that was closest to the entrance. I things got really bad, his father or grandparents could keep him ( as they did these past 4 days), but that just makes me feel futlile, that I can't do what I am supposed to be able to do. So frustrating.

My aunt just came in from VA and that is always an adventure. She is a 60 something and never married. She's "eccentric" but she's made it on her own this long and still kicking. Although she can make me postal, I think it was good for me to see her now to remember that. It can be done. But, I think I'll tweak the process a little.

I guess being real sick just makes me feel impotent.... helpless and makes me think about the future. Will it always be like this? What do other single people do ?? What do their friends do? Who do you call?? Do you push till you reach the hospital?? At least there, you are taken care of, I guess.

I'll tough it out and keep taking my drugs, but I can't help but hope that someday there might be someone around to bring me a hot cup of tea and wipe my head with a washcloth. Can I pay someone to do that ??? ;-)

I know..... what a baby. :-)

Till death do us part

Today was a tough day. It was my first time at the Air Force Academy Chapel, but unfortunately, it was for a funeral. A coworker of mine just lost her sister and her 2 year old nephew. The news of it was devastating but the funeral brought it all way closer. The service was at 10am. The parking lot is about a little more than a tenth of a mile from the church and the temperature at the time was -2.

When I reached the church, it was warm. There were so many people. at least 400. Some ordinary folks and many service men and women. They had just folded the flag and were taking it from the church when I had gotten there, as I had arrived a little late. At the front of the church, there was the risen pulpit on the left and the first piece that made me lose it; a large picture of the young boy's face and another of the mother with her son. She was a beautiful woman and the boy was so very cute... and so very small. An Uncle spoke first and he did a remarkable job both with his words and composure. Another niece spoke next. We they sang as a congregation " Jesus Loves Me" in memory of the little boy. Needless to say, I could not find any voice to sing with as I was choking back my tears too hard.

There was a car accident in Memphis. I am not privy to all the details, but I know a tracter trailer hit the car. The mother and son were killed on the spot and the 7 year old was in a coma for about 2 days. The husband remained conscious but the extent of his injuries are unknown to me.

The service continued and it was very lovely. The pallbearers then carried the coffins out. It was so hard to see the mother's coffin carried out, but it was near unbearable to see the small one of the little boy. They were followed by the husband, who looked in shock and was still in a neckbrace, and their daughter of 7 who was very pretty in her dress and also looked barely alive. I then saw my coworker who only made eye contact briefly and then resumed her attention to the floor holding her husband alongside for support.

This service touched, or rather hit, me so hard. I could not imagine losing my sister, although I know that it is possible everyday. I could not imagine burying my son. I cannot imagine being seven and knowing I was in the car with my mommy and then fell asleep for mommy not to be there anymore. I cannot imagine being a daddy and having to hold it together so that my 7 year old daughter can make it through.

I don't know what hurts so bad, the fear, the possibilty, the sorrow for my coworker who has suddenly lost a beloved sister and nephew, the helplessness of not knowing what to do - but I know it hurts.

It's sad that it sometimes takes times like this to remind me to say " I love you" or "I'm sorry" or "thank you" to all those people who make a day....good. I forces me to remember all the many people I take for granted, forgetting that they may not be there tomorrow.

And, although I am not outspoken on my convictions, I remember in these times that I need a God. Existentalism ( although at times very attractive) is not a permanent option for me. All things cannot be futile/ without purpose and I need to believe that someone cares, that someone will listen, that someone has a reason and a purpose for those things that I cannot explain. I need a God to hope that there is a greater purpose and good for things. I need to believe this so that someone can take care of my coworker and help her heal as no man can alone. I don't need for everyone else to need a God, but I cannot reject the simple fact that I need one.

May I have my family and friends for a very long time, and if I ever don't, may I have the strength to allow me not to.