Day of possibility

Oh, this week seems to have been a grand rollercoaster. From professional events to personal ones I was kinda looking forward to this weekend. Yesterday was the capping ceremony for our seniors. It's the time that we read paragraphs about the graduating seniors... paragraphs written by staff members. And the seniors pick a person who they think contributed to their path during high school to place their cap on their head for the first time. This was a really special one for me ( as it is my third to attend) because I was chosen to cap one of my seniors. It came as a geniune surprise, but a truly flattering thing. Band people aren't highly sentimental anyway and the fact that this young man chose me to cap him is nothing short of the BIGGEST compliment I could be paid.

This is that senior, another student, the assistant band director and me at Elitches after a band competition:



After the ceremony, I went back to teach a few classes and then joined some friends for dinner and coffee. It was good.

At coffee, I was asked what I had planned for this weekend. I had forgotten that it is Memorial weekend. I guess everyone has something planned for Memorial day weekend. Well, everyone save me :-). I have some odds and ends to tie up, but nothing pressing. I was heading out to grab a drink and go for a walk when...the best I can say is.. my back went out. I'm too young for this, but it happens sometimes. About 7 years ago, when working, I was told that I lifted something heavier than I should have and that I herniated a disk. It's not dibilitating, except for times like now, when it hurts if you move incorrectly. I am sure this will pass, hopefully within a few hours as it is a very pretty day here, but we'll see. Drugs and staying still will hopefully do the trick here, and hopefully quickly.

Once my back is better, who knows. Anything is possible.

Great expectation - or no expectation

Have you ever had a task set before you and you didn't want to do it?? Yeah, well, that's why this entry exists. I am sitting at my desk avoiding the pressing duties of my job, because they aren't at critical mass yet and.... I don't feel like doing them. Strong rationale, I know. :-(

Anyway, the choir has just completed their final hurrah concert of the year. So much work went into it besides the rehearsal. Our tech guy has had surgery so he's out of commission and the choir takes this performance off site - doubling the amount of technological work needed to be done by non- technological people. Well, the directors and the kids started set up at 7:30 am the day before the concert. They then went to school and rehearsed at the performance site that evening. The next day they performed 2 shows and tore down with the evening concluding maybe close to 11-11:30pm.

Well today I visited the choir director's classroom/ office to congratulate my colleague on a job well done. I had seen the second show with my little guy and, due to trying to maintain a reasonable bedtime, we left before the show was over. So I go to her room only to find her crying. Never good.

She expressed that she was exhausted, which of course annihilates a female's emotional barometer. That and, in the flurry of set up, performing, and tear down, her student's failed to recognize her at the end of the concert. This is a HUGE deal as every year for the last 5 years, the graduating choir students come up on stage at the end of the concert and offer kind words and a gift of gratitude. They aren't prompted to do it, they just do. In fact, they created that precedent. Band kids didn't start that until last year and are still quite awkward at it. ( it's still pretty cool though :-) ) Choir folk are a little more sentimental/ touchy feely that way anyway. Band kids, a high five and a hand shake goes for miles. A hug is like monumental.

Anyway, no such demonstration occurred. Although it's not fair to expect such a display, a precedent had been set and the current seniors notably did not follow suit. She noticed this and is left to wonder why. Rational thought may be that there was too much to do to organize such a thing, or that they just forgot, or the worst scenario, they didn't want to. She doesn't want to be hurt by this, but.... how can she not be. She's human and has invested so much time and effort, and in her case, honest love for the well being of her students. She did all this without the expectation of acknowledgment yet it's absence is felt. What's worse is that other folk commented to her their notice of the absence of a thank you. So she partly insinuated that those people are saying that this class did not "like" her as well as her others. ( there's no real reason to think that) So not only did she notice it, but is was noticed, and worse yet commented on by others.

Being away from it, I can see maybe more than she can right now, but I still know what she is feeling. How do you keep from expecting?? People do what they do for whatever reasons lie within them, but how do you dismiss all need for gratitude, all want of the acknowledgment that someone gives a damn?? And even if it had been done every year for how many years, how do you not be hurt when it isn't once... or twice? Maybe this is how people feel when family forgets a birthday? Perhaps not the best comparison.

Is it really possible to try and have no expectation of others while you hold such great expectation of yourself? Is that even realistic ?? Or is it better just to not ever give a damn? Then what others do or don't do has no meaning..... right?

She'll get over it and I am confident her seniors will acknowledge the meaning of her work and care... of simply of "her" over the next few days. But, I wish they knew how the oversight or absence of intent hurt her now. She has invested so much into them. Time, energy, thought, concern, family invovlement, administrative intersession.....etc.

Oh, what they don't know.....

Tribute to Teachers

This came over school email and is soooo very true... Non teachers read and heed :-)

YOU might be a school employee if you believe the playground should be equipped with a Ritalin salt lick.

YOU might be a school employee if you want to slap the next person who says, 'Must be nice to work 8 to 3:30 and have
summers off.

YOU might be a school employee if it is difficult to name your own child because there's no name you can come up with that
doesn't bring high blood pressure as it is uttered.

YOU might be a school employee if you can tell it's a full moon or if it going to rain, snow, hail....anything!!! Without ever
looking outside.

YOU might be a school employee if you believe, 'shallow gene pool' should have its own box on a report card.

YOU might be a school employee if you believe that unspeakable evils will befall you if anyone says, 'Boy, the kids sure are
mellow today.'

YOU might be a school employee if when out in public, you feel the urge to snap your fingers at children you do not know
and correct their behavior.

YOU might be a school employee if you have no social life between August and June.

YOU might be a school employee if you think people should have a government permit before being allowed to reproduce.

YOU might be a school employee if you wonder how some parents MANAGED to reproduce.

YOU might be a school employee if you laugh uncontrollably when people refer to the staff room as the 'lounge.'

YOU might be a school employee if you encourage an obnoxious parent to check into charter schools or home schooling and
are willing to donate the UHAUL boxes should they decided to move out of district.

YOU might be a school employee if you think caffeine should be available in intravenous form.

YOU might be a school employee if you can't imagine how the ACLU could think that covering your students chair with
Velcro and then requiring uniforms made out of the corresponding Velcro could ever be misunderstood by the public.

YOU might be a school employee if meeting a child's parent instantly answers this question, 'Why is this kid like this?'

YOU might be a school employee if you would choose a mammogram over a parent conference.

YOU might be a school employee if you think someone should invent antibacterial pencils and crayons...and desks and chairs
for that matter!

YOU might be a school employee if the words 'I have college debt for this?' has ever come out of your mouth.

YOU might be a school employee if you know how many days, minutes, and seconds are left in the school year!

Change - the scary constant

So many things changing, so few brain cells to handle it with.

I thought moving out to Colorado was a big change for me, a big shift in direction, an open door to possibility. Currenlty, there are more big changes in the wind.

For me there is currently a scurry to buy a house. Whether it's a bad decision, good decision, or great decision I can't feel/tell and it's bugging the hell out of me. The market is good, maybe great, but the timing sucks. Me and timing. We are like .... ( can't think of a powerful analogy) we don't jive. That and although I KNOW I need to, settling down permanently has lost a little of its attraction. That and, I fear buying a house like getting married again. I REALLY don't want to get stuck with something that I don't adore. But, if you don't look, you may never find something you adore. And the longer you wait, you may wait yourself out of the possibility of getting something you do adore. Not enough down payment or too many wrinkles :-).

Today I checked out the eHarmony website. I am torn with intrigue and disgust. I never saw myself as needing to go online to meet someone, but I don't think I see myself anywhere specific right now. I wonder if I should have sucked up the bad things and tried to stay married or how long I can hold life together running single. I know I didn't see myself as a single mother because that itself, with all its joys, complicates other arenas significantly. That and I hope I don't get so desperate that I am willing to settle for something less than great due to desperation and fatigue. At this point I may be sold for the first guy that holds my hand without the immediate sign of a design to hold something else. :-) Almost like I may buy the house that I can afford that doesn't have holes in the wall, regardless of all it's other flaws.

The future is foggy at best. There are many feelings that I don't handle well and one of those is the feeling of being stuck. We'll see how all this goes. I don't want to get stuck in a house. I don't want to get stuck in an apartment. I don't want to get stuck in a relationship. I don't want to be stuck alone. Yet, at the moment, I am feeling a little.... stuck.

I need to take action on one or all of these things, but I think I'm going to hide in my work for a little bit. I seem to be needed there, I am fairly successful there, I am appreciated there, and although all plans don't come to fruition, I can psuedo-successfully plan there.

Leave things to chance or take a chance. Is it ever the "right" time or do you just do something and hope it was a good time to do so. And how do you say goodbye to a hope that something would be right??

There's a line that says that you can't hide from your problems, but you have to face them. What that saying fails to address is how do you prepare to face those problems, or do you just learn from the scrapes, scratches, and bruises you get as your problems beat the hell out of you. Is it that you err enough and use all the other bad choices before you try and find the right one?

There's a song lyric " Stand in the place where you live. Now face north, think about direction, wonder why you haven't before" What if you're thinking about it but your compass is spinning around like a merry-go-round? Close your eyes and walk or wait for the nausea to subside and go from there.

I don't know.

Events of late

In my efforts to;
a) do something constructive
b) procrastinate
I want to record some ideas.

If anyone reads this but me (which occasionally I hope the answer to that is no) you have learned that if you are searching for a straight progressive train of thought, it isn't here.

Stupid vs irresponsible. This was a discussion which I promised to think on. The argument made was stupid is singular in regards to effect and irresponsible is multiple. The two may not be totally synomous but are related or....( I know there is a great mathematical term here that I am not thinking of) linked ( that wasn't it). Can something be irresponsible without being stupid? I think I agree that the answer is no.

Guest speaker at school - Wow. This woman about my age or a year or two my elder, told a story of here fiancee getting his head blown off while an RA at his college, because he failed in successfully "ratting out" 2 druggies at his school. So they hunted him out in return. Her speech was to the student population was about choices concerning alcohol and drugs and why not to take part in either. As much as the story grieved and moved me, she said a thing or 2 that I didn't agree with.... perhaps because I choose to drink on occasion. I medically may be mistaken, but I think the problems with substance abuse ( most particularly alcohol) are recognition of personal weakness, personal accountability and responsibility, and education. Does Europe have the young adult problem with alcohol that we do in America? How do I get the answer to that?? If it wasn't a forbidden fruit and people could be educated on how to use it, maybe it wouldn't be so attractive. Yes, it does have some mind altering affects, but amount, type and time can all be figured on how to handle that.... if it is desired to be handled. To an addictive personality, it may be a very wise choice to never sample an addictive substance. Or to the person who doesn't like the smell or taste of it, they can never try it an be alright. But, I don't believe a person should be instructed of only the tragedy alcohol has caused without knowing the effects - pro and con of the substance and being able to sample and know how it might affect them should they choose to imbibe it. Lastly, have a plan. I do not endorse driving impaired, regardless of your driving record. Be in good, safe, trustworthy company in case you drink far beyond the point of sanity or consciousness. People who do that at large random parties or bars... I am sorry... get what they get.

Rehearsal last night....EE gad. This was not pretty. Our conductor was all but pissed, and he has every right to be. Our concert is this weekend and Monday night - not so good. He is an odd bird ( and I don't entirely mind admitting that I have a small attraction to him as he is peculiar in that "genius" sort of way) but... he needs to lighten up A LOT and he needs to be willing to admit that he can and does err too. That being said, he was fully in his right to blow a gasket last night as there were moments of major suckage for this level of group. People coming in at the wrong times, wrong notes, bad intonation..... just not pretty. The principal bassoon player suggested that we put the conductor on suicide watch as , being a rather tightly wound gentleman to begin with, he was battling some major anger issues and perhaps high blood pressure last night. If we were more friendly, I would have offered to buy him a drink as he sure needed one.... or 10.

What else?? Christian had a bloody nose tonight. A real gusher. This is a little bit of unfamiliar territory as I never have had a bloody nose. So, after getting it under control, I went online to see what can cause them. Nothing there that was surprising. The saddest part of the event was when Christian apologized for getting blood on his t-shirt and on the floor, as I'd get in trouble by the apartment people for getting blood on the floor. I told him not to worry over either. I cleaned the floor and washed the tee. Besides, if the shirt were stained, he'd practically outgrown it anyway.

I need to help this kid come out of his 40's and back to 8. But I love him :-)

I'm pushing not getting my 8 hours so I better stop here. Let's see what happens during the rest of the week/month/ whenever I type again.

O Magnum Mysterium

Can't sleep. This is not good as I'll probably be worthless tomorrow, but, that doesn't change the truth of the matter that I can't sleep.

Anyway, as i lay in bed, my heart pounding a little too fast for comfort, I keep hearing this piece in my head that I am rehearsing with my one ensemble. It is entitled " O Magnum Mysterium" by Morten Laurisden. It is a MAGNIFICENT work. A renaissance polyphonic work.... before the days of melody and harmony. All lines are melody. Basically whoever has moving notes is the most important at any one given time. The way that the lines interweave creating these POWERFUL moments of tension and release is just....... amazing.

It was originally written as a choral work in Latin ( which I, in all honestly, have not translated). It is a sacred work, but don't let that chase you away. In order to really feel its power you have to hear it performed by voice. The way the voices intertwine is most purely represented by the human voice.

The instrumental transcription is very well done and very challenging for any players, but very much so for high schoolers. The students are doing fabulously, but the obstacle is getting them to feel it.... experience it.... not play it. I wish I knew how to attach sound clips as I have several recordings, but please let me solicit you to look them up. ( or if someone wants to send a quick tutorial, I'll attach them)

The opening statement is like a plea made by the French horn and saxophone. The sentiment is then sympathized with by the clarinet and flute. There is a pause and a stronger statement of the same plea is made again by the sax and horn and continued on for a short time. Because the statements are so brief the power of the tension created by the dissonances reaching for a consonant resolution, regardless of how brief is just ........ aaaahhh, indescribable. There are times that the instruments need to sound like an angel taking the back of their hand and lightly brushing a persons cheek in an offer of comfort or a time when the all the sounds come forcefully together to show beams of brillant light bursting through a thick of storm clouds to just consume the skies with light. And then from all this excitement, in seconds to return to a sense of peace and tranquility, of quiet hope and comfort. Amazing. There are so many of such moments in this piece, but the kids I think still just see notes, not moments, not pictures.

Notes on a page to experience. How do you teach that? Music is aural representation of sight, feeling, experience, emotion. It's not first valve. Yet it is a concept that I learn and relearn, live and relive everyday. Some music connects with you like a pleasant touch or a familiar friend. You feel it and know it. And then there is the music that touches you, but instead like sandpaper as toliet paper. Yet, that music meant as much to the writer as the other, but _you_ just don't respond to it the same. It's so much more than sound.

When I can get someone to "feel" the music, to experience whatever movie or sensation the sounds elicit from them, then they have learned.

Listen to this piece "O Magnum Mysterium". It is as it's title infers. I think I'll play in on iTunes to take the burden off my head.

So many thoughts, so little organization

So, what does one do when they've knocked their sleep cycle out of order and have watched so much television, you believe life is a sitcom? For me, you think 20 thoughts simultaneously and wonder what to do with any one of them. In the idea that I might follow up on one, or heaven forbid, all of these, let me ramble what some of them were.

#1 - What are my goals? People ask this of themselves sometimes, right? I mean, you read it in self help articles all the time, but... what do people answer this question with? If someone were to ask me this right now, I'd probably respond with a profound "I dunno". I want to be a good person, whatever that is worth. I want to be a good mother, and a good role model, but I have to admit that I am not totally sure what that looks like all the time. I want to be a good teacher, but there are days that I am not even sure I want to teach anymore. I don't know whether that is because I don't think that I am doing it well, or because I have done it now and I am "over it". If I am over it, can I become into it again?? Can that happen with life in general.... or with people? I mean, is that way relationships and friendships wane? So people just get burnt out of other people ??

#2 - I'm looking for something, but can't lay my finger exactly on what. I am so jealous of people who seem to have a fire up their ass for things or causes that I personally couldn't care less for. But these people are so focused and driven. How did that happen? Do they get such pleasure and joy from what they are doing that all else on meaningless? Or are they avoiding things that maybe they can't handle so they consume themselves in things they can? I think I am in a little rut, and am not sure what action I am going to take to move from it. I have had lots of ideas, from fair and reasonable to, wow... who the hell are you and you'd never do that if it could be associated back to you. ( watching a little too much Sex in the City :-) ) How do you balance a desire for adventure with reality and responsibilty?

#3 How important is it to be in a relationship? I have no idea. There are times I am like, Yeeha -let's get that going, to the other times that I am like, Yeah..... no. I have my ideas, but maybe they are what's in the way. Besides, who has time to go looking for a relationship? And when you find one, how much time and energy do you commit to it? How do people really get to know people anyway. Anyone who thinks they no me and haven't hung out with me and little C doesn't know jack. And what do you do....wear a pin stating single mother of one, never home, loves music, slightly neurotic, loves to go out, will never be a size 8 and doesn't like Indian food ( mostly)? I mean really, let's save the trouble. Get all the cons out there and see of there are any takers. All women should put themselves out there with no makeup even. Then you at least see the real external picture. Makeup and push up bras are for the hope, not the reality.

Christian keeps asking when I am going to get remarried. Is that normal for an 8 year old. It's more a response I would have expected from an overly instrusive mother. My mother isn't very hands on in that catagory..... thank God.

My battery is about to die, so I'll publish this and see if I am moved to work further tomorrow. I'd make it a goal, but, let's face it, these ramblings are for me. If someone I didn't know could offer the answers to these things, then rock on. Otherwise, it's self assessment on the internet.

Why do I do this again????

So this is how it rolls

Plus, I slept a LIFETIME today and I do feel a bit better. Negative, the doctor says I should expect to feel less than great for sometime. Ughh. These breathing issues will be with me for a while, but they say they will get better. I am just to try to sleep and move the gunk as much as possible during the day. I think I am going to open a personals page and put that on the description... "hot single mom ( due to accoassional fever) that may cough often to move her gunk" Man, I should be busy.

Anyway, I guess I need to accept that my immune system has been pummeled and I need time for it to reload. I'll see how that plays out. Soon I'll be jogging a the Garden of the Gods, but right now, I'll hang with my friends with their oxygen tanks :-).

I am glad to be off the steriods soon as I think they are not a good match for me. I think they even may make me a little depressed. That's not cool.

So, there's the lastest health report. Today, I sign a renewal of my lease and tomorrow, it is off to the DMV to get my plates registered. There's an uplifting thought. Not the ideal way to conclude spring break, but..... could have been worse.

For today's viewing pleasure it had been Shawshank Redemption and The Princess Bride. Better than yesterday's fair.

This is the cold that never ends

So, here it is a week and a half after I "offically" got sick and..... and I am still sick. This one is rough. Doctor visits on Tuesday and Thursday earned me steriods, an inhaler, and pnemonia antibiotic. A hospital visit this past Tuesday ( or was it Monday) got me another inhaler and cough syrup with codiene. Now, I am irritable, exhausted all the time yet can't sleep, and I still wheeze. As of this very moment, I am not a fan of the medical institution. I head to the doctor's again tomorrow morning and then hopefully to a pulmenologist. I'm just ready to feel better.

The doctor took bloodwork which says something about mono reactivating. I had that the summer before my senior year. It was the first time I had ever been to a hospital. I don't remember much of the experience save I was there for a few days, watched a lot of cartoons, and asked my boyfriend at the time to bring me deoderant. ( I never was much the traditionalist). I had to leave a summer music camp I was attending for the mono. We just didn't know that I had mono then. Just that I was super tired and puking a lot.

This time, no puking, although I'd be game. Rather just exhaustion and wheezing. The wheezing is better, but it really stinks to hear yourself gurgle after climbing a set of stairs. :-(

Today, I took my son to see "Horton Hears a Who" which is definately a red box rental. The book is far superior.... and that just seems sad to say when it is Dr. Suess. Anyway, I feel asleep during the 88 minute marvel. That's just sad.

That and I HATE steroids. I remember the first time I took them after a cold in West Virginia. They made me like super woman and I cleaned our whole half house, from scrubbing the kitchen and bathroom floors to waxing the living room ones. This time, they haven't been all that great.

They are telling me to take them as they supposedly have anti-inflamatory effects. What they do have is emotional altering affects. I can be bitchy by self nature, but these pills take away almost all tolerance. I have snapped at my son for the stupidest things. I almost wanted to destroy a letter or something like it when it wasn't where I has thought it to be. I get angry when there is nothing on TV and I can't sleep. So angry I grind my teeth and like.... seeth. I really do not like this medicine and am anxious to come off of it.

Tomorrow, at the doctors, I just want some acknowledgement that something is still not right. Well, that and more antibiotics. It is scary that on Monday I need to return to work, from 7:30-4:00 and then a rehearsal from 7:30 to 10 to be followed by a 7:00am rehearsal on Tuesday. How am I supposed to do that when I can't make it through "Horton" ? I am scared. I am preparing 3 groups for festival and already took off 3 days. I can't take anymore days ( well I can if I have too, but I REALLY DON"T want to). We ( the kids and me) need to work, and I need to find the energy to work. It's such a pisser not to be able to do the things you think you're supposed to be able to do.

Right now, I am exhausted, but my stomach is upset and I can't sleep. So here I am with my laptop watching "The Music Man". I was hoping me tale could bore me to sleep. Eh, might have worked :-)

Here's hoping.........

Easter adventures

Happy Easter. Whatever your personal religious convictions, hopefully something nice has come of today for you.

We just finished coloring easter eggs at my place. I've always enjoyed doing that... although I don't always enjoy eating all the eggs after the fact :-) Sometimes a little egg salad goes a long way.

A little story - My son called me yesterday to let me know that he would be staying at his grandparents house for the evening. He then asked what time I would pick him up. I told him and then, being a planner, he wanted to know what his day would be like when he got home. I told him we would color easter eggs. He was very excited to hear that. After a small time had passed he very smartly asked," But what eggs are the Easter Bunny going to hide?" Hmmmm. I slyly answer that I was pretty sure that the EB had a stash of his own. He conceeded that idea, thank goodness.

So, we hunted plastic eggs and colored real ones. Thank goodness for Target.

Do you remember hunting for eggs when you were younger? Heck, I'd still do it now. I loved going to a big park with a basket, or through a large building running around scouring for colored eggs. We did this with various groups and, of course through church. I'm pretty sure some kids from my neighborhood got together to do this too, at least a few times. It was so fun, and the candy,and sometimes money, made it even more fun.

Why would people not do this?? I can't understand.

Today it is my son, my aunt, my sister and me. Actually it's just me now as the others went to run some errands. I was hoping to write something great, but I'm pretty sure I am just rambling now. I'll do more of that, I'm sure.

So, Happy Easter. Hopefully everyone gets to find something they were looking for. And if you're looking for egg salad, I'll have some to spare.

Finally feeling human

So, it's been 3 months since my last post. Glad I don't get paid to write these.

It's the Satuday before Easter and the first day I have felt even a bit alive in the past....4 days. I have been what I consider overly tired for about the last month or so, but I figured that to be work and life related. Tuesday night, at a rehearsal, I began feeling achey, so I suspected I was about to get the flu. Wednesday I went to the doc and the flu test came back negative. He sent me home with an inhaler and steriods. I thought there might be a chance of a stort lived ick. Friday things still continued to stink so I went back and he told me I have pnemonia.

For the record this is my second bout with pnemonia this year. The last time, fittingly, was Christmas break. This time, Easter.

Felt a little bit the same... except for the achy part, so I knew I had to go back for the second doctor visit. These versions seem hard for them to diagnose because both times, I never ran a rediculous fever or ( not to be too gross) brought up colored crap. The story is that it's not bacterial, but viral. I guess that makes it not visible on a chest X-ray, but it's audible... with or without a stethescope sadly.

This time was rough, and I am hoping it to be over soon. Wednesday annihilated me and I woke in the morning crying. I felt worse than I had in a long time. That got even worse yet as my temporary break down made my son cry too. Way to add insult to injury.

Anyway, my friends from work were my life line. One brought me cough syrup and some vitamin packets and the other... well, she taught my classes :-).

I think one of the things I had time to sleep and think about was how much I miss being at my parents house when I am ill.... really ill, I mean. I remember when my mom would bring me hot or cold washcloths (case depending) and bring me food or water. I remember my dad bringing me a hot tea or popcicle. When I was married, my husband never did any of those things, but at least there was another body in the house in case something really bad happened. This is the first time I was really freaked out about being on my own.

I was like a lump for a long time. It hurt to breathe and so I didn't have energy to do anything. Forget laundry or cleaning the bathroom. Getting up to make a tea or toast was brutal. I slept or sat more than I care to admit. I know I was fine... that I am fine ( considering this is the first time I felt the desire to do anything but watch crappy movies) but it's scary to think how you are going to handle all the things that need to be handled. And handle them alone.

Can't say I've really had to to that. My sister agreed to pick up the little guys' Easter basket and goodies for me. I'll pay her of course. Nonetheless I'm really grateful she did that, so Christian wouldn't just get the crap that was closest to the entrance. I things got really bad, his father or grandparents could keep him ( as they did these past 4 days), but that just makes me feel futlile, that I can't do what I am supposed to be able to do. So frustrating.

My aunt just came in from VA and that is always an adventure. She is a 60 something and never married. She's "eccentric" but she's made it on her own this long and still kicking. Although she can make me postal, I think it was good for me to see her now to remember that. It can be done. But, I think I'll tweak the process a little.

I guess being real sick just makes me feel impotent.... helpless and makes me think about the future. Will it always be like this? What do other single people do ?? What do their friends do? Who do you call?? Do you push till you reach the hospital?? At least there, you are taken care of, I guess.

I'll tough it out and keep taking my drugs, but I can't help but hope that someday there might be someone around to bring me a hot cup of tea and wipe my head with a washcloth. Can I pay someone to do that ??? ;-)

I know..... what a baby. :-)

Till death do us part

Today was a tough day. It was my first time at the Air Force Academy Chapel, but unfortunately, it was for a funeral. A coworker of mine just lost her sister and her 2 year old nephew. The news of it was devastating but the funeral brought it all way closer. The service was at 10am. The parking lot is about a little more than a tenth of a mile from the church and the temperature at the time was -2.

When I reached the church, it was warm. There were so many people. at least 400. Some ordinary folks and many service men and women. They had just folded the flag and were taking it from the church when I had gotten there, as I had arrived a little late. At the front of the church, there was the risen pulpit on the left and the first piece that made me lose it; a large picture of the young boy's face and another of the mother with her son. She was a beautiful woman and the boy was so very cute... and so very small. An Uncle spoke first and he did a remarkable job both with his words and composure. Another niece spoke next. We they sang as a congregation " Jesus Loves Me" in memory of the little boy. Needless to say, I could not find any voice to sing with as I was choking back my tears too hard.

There was a car accident in Memphis. I am not privy to all the details, but I know a tracter trailer hit the car. The mother and son were killed on the spot and the 7 year old was in a coma for about 2 days. The husband remained conscious but the extent of his injuries are unknown to me.

The service continued and it was very lovely. The pallbearers then carried the coffins out. It was so hard to see the mother's coffin carried out, but it was near unbearable to see the small one of the little boy. They were followed by the husband, who looked in shock and was still in a neckbrace, and their daughter of 7 who was very pretty in her dress and also looked barely alive. I then saw my coworker who only made eye contact briefly and then resumed her attention to the floor holding her husband alongside for support.

This service touched, or rather hit, me so hard. I could not imagine losing my sister, although I know that it is possible everyday. I could not imagine burying my son. I cannot imagine being seven and knowing I was in the car with my mommy and then fell asleep for mommy not to be there anymore. I cannot imagine being a daddy and having to hold it together so that my 7 year old daughter can make it through.

I don't know what hurts so bad, the fear, the possibilty, the sorrow for my coworker who has suddenly lost a beloved sister and nephew, the helplessness of not knowing what to do - but I know it hurts.

It's sad that it sometimes takes times like this to remind me to say " I love you" or "I'm sorry" or "thank you" to all those people who make a day....good. I forces me to remember all the many people I take for granted, forgetting that they may not be there tomorrow.

And, although I am not outspoken on my convictions, I remember in these times that I need a God. Existentalism ( although at times very attractive) is not a permanent option for me. All things cannot be futile/ without purpose and I need to believe that someone cares, that someone will listen, that someone has a reason and a purpose for those things that I cannot explain. I need a God to hope that there is a greater purpose and good for things. I need to believe this so that someone can take care of my coworker and help her heal as no man can alone. I don't need for everyone else to need a God, but I cannot reject the simple fact that I need one.

May I have my family and friends for a very long time, and if I ever don't, may I have the strength to allow me not to.

2 thoughts from dinner

Tonight I ate dinner with a coworker of mine and her husband. It was a first, but very fun. These are 2 older, highly educated people with ton of life experience.

Christian couldn't attend as he was at a sleepover, but wrote the mister a note apologizing for not being there. The mister then wrote him a raincheck for the hike he was going to take little C on. How cute.

Although altogether it really was a great time, there are 2 main things I left with:

#1 - People who love children and, more importantly your child/children, are people who win their way into your heart
#2 - The mister gave me a quote that I need to remember, "There's no glory in practice, but without practice, there is no glory"

What a great "band' quote, but we were talking about cooking a the time :-).

Great people, great evening.

It's about acceptance

As I continue this thinking on realtionship trail, I find myself getting frustrated. Shocker. Anything that takes me more than 1 day to figure out, I get a little frustrated with and, lets face it, people have been attempting to figure relationships out for centuries. I don't think we have come much further than where we started. I also don't see it realistic that I come up with any conclsive decisions within 48hrs.

I have come to this one decision before, and I find myself arriving at it again. In order to have any sort of relationship with a person you need to accept who you are and who they are. That sounds so elementary, but it can be harder than it sounds.

Let me take my friend over on the Eastern shore as an example. This person had fought and is fighting personal struggles that I can't even imagine, but I can't be there to help. Even if I were there, I can't help all that much becuase many of these struggles are internal. But I love that person and would do anything for them. They know that I am not made of $$ any can't fly out to be with them but we see each other when we can. They know that I am notorious for reading email and not always responding if I think my response needs to be more than a brief reply that I can write in a minute. They could get mad at me for that,but instead, they understand it and joke about it, and if it's something they really want a reply on they ask again and say so. They accept my faults. And I accept theirs. And they send me a ton of forwarded jokes :-)

One of my friends locally is a control freak and hates to be wrong. There are times I call them on it and there are times I let it go. But I know this trait and I accept that it is a part of them. But I also know that this person is one of the most reflective, insightful, thoughtful and caring people I have ever met. And they think that I am a very passionate, fun, and youthful person. ( I hope that's good) The relationship is worth the work of gettting frustrated on occassion and biting my tongue. It's also nice that it can withstand an arguement when there needs to be one. I make them laugh and they help me tow the line.. and sometimes find it when I seem to have lost it.

As for another friend here, sure they never call or initiate an invite. Why? I don't know and I don't think they'd say. But, while a part of me says that's a little insulting, another part recognizes that maybe that trait is just them and I need to accept that. If I want to spend time with them, I'll ask and that's where it ends. It may be more work from time to time, but at least it is consistent. And I decide whether I want to expend the effort. I sometimes get very helpful information on matters on which I know little and challenged on ideas/values/perspectives I never previously questioned. I have no idea what they get.

My point is I guess we need to make conscious decisions based on "what's there" versus what we'd like to be there. To close with the jeans anaolgy - you need to like how you feel in them. If you are a size 8 and you love your size 6 jeans, you'll accept the fact that they are tight around the waste and may not be the perfect length, but you love the way they feel and the way they flatter your caboose, therefore the trade is worth it. Or, you say, my size 6's are for certain occassions, and you have size 8's and 10's also in your closet. Not all fit perfectly, but each has a reason you like them and you tolerate ( or accept) what you don't. I guess everyone hopes to find the "perfect pair", but sometimes you have to live with what's available and what you can afford.

And, another complicating factor is that bodies change, for better and for worse.

Just because you used to adore those size 6's doesn't mean you will forever. Or perhaps the reasons you contnue to liek them may change. Maybe you'll become bigger and they'll have a death hold on you, or maybe, where they were once tight, you loose weight over time, and now, they are just comfortable.

The thing that matters is, do you still like yourself when your in them?

I think _that_ will be my defining meaning of relationship. The ones you like yourself in, the ones that make you feel good about yourself or about anything, those are the ones you work for. The ones that make you a better person, a smarter person, a more caring person....those are the ones you try to keep for a lifetime.

The ones that consistently tear you down and make you hate the world, those are the ones you give to Goodwill.

What should it look like??

It seems that I am currently stuck on philosophizing about relationships. ( due to this, it may also be concluded that perhaps I am currently overly hormonal) I am doing this more to hear myself "think aloud" if you would... not necessarily for any reader to find agreement with my thoughts. It's more to see if I agree with myself in a month.... or perhaps even tomorrow.

Due to events and discussions yesterday, and today, I was prompted to write the previous entry. No one person created the desire to do so. It was more a cumulative effect.

But after talking about the perfect fit and investment, I now wonder, what is it supposed to look like? What really works and what is a prescribed disaster for failure? Is relationship based more on attitude than it is on compatibility?

This may sound a little strange, but I learn about these things through observation. I see and hear about other's situations and then draw my own conclusions. This may not be the best method as I am drawing conclusions on experiences that aren't my own.

Let me here state that I feel there are many similarities between the friendship and the marriage concept. So, just because I discuss marriage a lot, doesn't mean that is my entire focus. But I do believe that successful marriage and friendship are two inseparable concepts.

I have seen married couples survive the 10-50 year anniversaries. I see things I like and things I don't. I definitely see the evolution of a superior party to a submissive one. It's funny that in most of the longer lasting relationships, many times the more dominate party is the female. All who have been willing to discuss this say it doesn't often start that way.

But what I want to know is, how did it get that way? Are they happy with that? Are they unhappy and don't talk about it?

What do you talk about and what don't you?

Conversely, I've seen the couples married for a period of time but resembling anything but a couple. This is not a model I care to replicate.

Are expectations created per relationship or are they predetermined, like a job application and the person who matches the criteria best wins the gig?

I have expectations, but am now wondering if they are unreasonable, unattainable, or simply impossible. Or perhaps, they are obtainable, but not instantaneously.

Here are a few:

I would want in any relationship for someone to do for me in proportion to how I do for them.... within their ability level.
(Even now, that sounds pretty self centered, but let me see if I can rationalize that statement to make it sound better.) I will do as I am able for my friend and would like to know the same might be relied upon. I don't like attending 10 performances of a friend because they asked that I be there for them not to attend 1 something that I'd either like support or company for. An "all take and no give" relationship is not one that I'm into.

I would like to feel, if not know, that the enjoyment of each other's company is reciprocal.
There are people I like to hang out with and there are people I don't. I just hope that the people I like spending time with my enjoy spending time with me. I think that is a sentiment that can be shared by almost everyone.

I would like for a friend to request to spend time with a friend.
This doesn't have to be directly proportional and it shouldn't, but effort on both ends I think is best. I feel badly as I have 2 friends/acquaintances in which the balance of this is severely skued. One which asks me to do things often to whom I have not returned the favor as often and one who has never initiated a get together, yet will entertain my suggestion.

For the one, I don't wish to be a burden to them as I know that scheduling can be very complicated. It has been brought to my attention that I have upset this friend by not requesting their company and that is upsetting to me as that is not/was never my intent.

As for the other, I feel a total burden. I feel this friend indulges my requests as a favor to me but leaves the impression the time offers no benefit to them. This must be why they never solicit. I cannot reconcile this feeling and on occasion it makes me a little bitter. Is that justified? I haven't decided.

And then there are those who ask me to join them and I perpetually find reason not to as I don't want to. I feel hypocritical saying that and speaking of friend/acquaintance #2. At least he/she shows up.

Mutually beneficial. It think that is a brief summary of what I am trying to get across here... maybe.

This is only a little bit but I am too tired to type anything else right now. And if I hate this post, I can always delete it ;-)

Is it really all about relationships???

"It is all about relationships" That is one of the mantras of our school. Its a motto that I believe strongly in also, or at least I did. 90% of my brain or soul agrees with that although now the 10% is getting rather adimate that that is not the case.

Sometimes, I feel like some relationships are like a size 6 jean when you are a size 8 body. You really like the jeans, but you have to decide if you like them enough to change for them and if you wish to do the work to get them. You also need to consider whether the jeans will relax over time and perhaps be more forgiving of your "not quite size 6" body.

Sometimes, I think that relationships are like a high risk investment. You dump energy, time, concern, and feeling into an account in the hopes of seeing a return on your investment. Perhaps you might see a return and perhaps that return might be of signifigant consequence OR you might never see any kickback and lose the hope, energy, and concern that you have invested.

As I teach 7th-12 graders, I see the impacts of some relationships. I've seen the gifts of caring parents, I've seen the trauma of neglectful parents, I see the great joy and heartache of the adolescent relationship, as well as the power of mentoring from trusted teachers and coaches. But living it is very different from watching it.

I firmly believe that all relationships (family, friendship, dating, marriage) are work. I am just becoming discouraged in my thirtysomething years that, sometimes it appears the number of relationships worth working for are hard to find and decreasing in number.

Continuing from the aforementioned analogies - How hard do you look for a pair of jeans that fit you the way you are?? How much should you be willing to change to make a pair of jeans that you do like fit you when it is apparent they don't ?

How much do you invest before deciding to cut your losses? How many different investments should you be willing to try before just cutting your losses, keeping to yourself and saving instead? Is it possible to go broke in either financial situation?

This can't be a good schema for the future.

All about the little things

It's been about 3 weeks back at school full swing, and, in traditional style, things have been crazy. As things go from wild to absolutely insane, it is sometimes hard to catch your breath, or simply to appreciate that what you are doing might be worthwhile to someone. I think all teachers feel like this, and perhaps everyone does.

Today, after a strangely more crazy day than usual, I return to my desk after my last class. This class had gone pretty well, in my estimation, but nonetheless the day had sucked most other life from me. As I make my way to my desk, I notice a bunch of flowers sitting on my chair. A dozen pink roses to be exact. No note, no body there to take credit for them being there, just a dozen beautiful pink roses. I couldn't help but smile.

One could have done the trick, but a dozen does look better in my vase at home. :-)

I don't know who gave them and I don't know why. Perhaps that is best. Regardless, that little something made my taxing day a little less taxing. That person not only gave me flowers, but a smile and a really great feeling. Thank you.

I only hope that I can return the favor often to as many people as I know. It's not grandeour. It's the little things that make life endurable.

Thank God for little things.

Vegas,baby

So I am no longer a Vegas virgin. ( Ooooh, that just sounds wrong, but it's amusing enough that I'll leave it :-))

Anyway, the trip began in the am with a trip to Hoover Dam. It was a beautiful day, but it was all I could do to keep from yawning. We left home at around 4:00 am. And, it was pretty cool to be able to walk a few steps and cross the Arizona/Nevada border..... although coming from the East coast/New England area, a state line isn't all that impressive considering you can cross one roughly every 3-4 hours, if not less. It's a pretty miraculous piece of construction, but I think once will do me.



Lake Mead was also pretty impressive. I think I'd rather do something on it rather than look at it. Only having a limited amount of time though, the look was worth it.



Then, Vegas proper. It had it's plusses and minuses. Being more exhausted than I had anticipated was a definate minus. Anyway, we saw a comedy act one night and the "O" at the Bellagio the following. The shows were great and the theaters were quite nice also.

The gambling, eh, not my thing. I found out what "max bet" means on a slot machine the hard way. Lost a whole dollar ;-). Anyway, I couldn't justify dropping money into a machine with a slim to no chance of seeing it again, not to even consider that money gaining value. What was troubling is I saw so many people doing just that. People, who seemed to be of the ages 20-80, sipping whatever that glass or bottle held and just yanking at that handle. Made me a little sad really.

The strip was neat. It was loaded with construction though. So much, I think it probably detracted from what the strip could have looked like. Sure it pretty at night, save the tons of people and those card clickers who stand along the sides of the sidewalks not saying anything while trying to fork off these cards of naked women at you. Neat. ( not really)



One of the highlights was Madame Tussaud's Wax museum. I had never been to the one on NY, so I made up for it here. Here are a few pics. Heck ya, I posed with some of the figures, but I'm far too chicken to post incriminating photos of myself on the web. Sha...





There's more to write, but I have neither the time or patience to deliberate over that right now. As for Vegas itself, it has potential. To go there with a group of friends or with a signifigant other, yeah, I could see that being fun. A show or two, bets for fun, eating at a nice restaurant ( Bobby Flay has one at the Bellagio) while staying in a swanky hotel with terry cloth robes and slippers and a bed with far too many pillows..... yeah, that holds potential. Just to visit though, nah, I'd rather go to NY. :-)

Darn spam - can make a girl blush... or vomit.

When I check my email ( which like many today is upwards of 10 times a day) I love to see emails from family and friends. I don't even mind getting a bill pay reminder or offer for something. What I am getting to abhor is the porno spam. How do I get this stuff? Luckily, most of it goes into the junk mail folder where it can be easily deleted, but, honestly, it's rather disturbing.

I have no need to grow anything by 6 more inches, I have no desire to find a F&*^buddy... (especially one who is advertising on the Internet)and I personally do not care how many whoevers or whatevers someone has banged in the last 24 hours... unless it is a GONG SHOW reference. Even then, the concern is not that great.

Ok, I don't really want to know how, but WHY ??? Is a sense of desperation emitting so strongly from my computer that I get this crap? (Hmmm. There's a thought) Besides, I am not male. The things they seem to find appropriate to solicit to males is down right disgusting, if not frightening.

Well, at least if I don't get a friendly email or line joke from someone, I know at least 20 people will have solicited me for some sort of sexual service or product in the junk mail folder. That's just depressing.

But I wonder.... do people reply to this stuff ?

My gift

Everyday I have a chance to be thankful for my son. He is such a great person.

We have a tradition that he and I join friends for dinner every Wednesday night. This past Wednesday, I had an orientation meeting and so I couldn't do dinner. I hadn't realized this in a timely fashion so, Christian didn't know until that day.

His grandfather picked him up from school as I was finishing teaching my private lessons and he would be staying with the grandparents that night. I told them I would call as soon as I knew for sure what was going on.

After the lessons, I called preparing to apologize. He answered and the conversation went something like:
Me: Hello?
Christian: Hey Mom. Am I going out for dinner tonight?
Me: Unfortunately, no. I have a school meeting I have to attend. I am sorry.
Christian: Oh. I am so sorry to hear that. ( isn't that funny??)
Me: Yeah. I'm sorry we can't go out. Maybe next week?
Christian: That sounds great. You gotta deal. Sorry you have to stay at
school. I'll see you tomorrow. Love you
Me: Love you too. Bye.

I am amazed at my son. He's seven. SEVEN. And at times he is 20x more considerate than his father. Shoot, at times he more considerate than most people I know, myself included. What an amazing young man.

He is my gift.

Week in review

These next 2 months are relatively crazy, even by my standards, so I feel the need to recap them for myself and perhaps think to make adjustments when I can.

This past week - Sunday was a night of minor turmoil. Amongst the usual weekend scurry to catch up on house maintenance, we had a family birthday party for my son and I had promised a student I would attend a non school musical performance. In the mid afternoon of this day, we went back to a furniture store where I had seen a couch that I liked and a desk that Christian liked. In the span of 30 minutes ( timed on my phone, as we had to leave in order to be to his grandparents house on time) we found the desk that he wants for the apartment and a small bookcase. We arrived to the party in time to meet and greet, eat pizza and cake, and open presents. After a time there I left for the performance and explained to the people who invited us why Christian was not there. They, as always, were very gracious. I left the concert to return to the furniture store to actually purchase the desk bookcase and........... the couch.

Monday - a school day of normal 7:30 am - 4:40 pm. At the end of the day, listening to bands and soloists the entire ( and I mean the entire) day, I had a migraine for which I bailed on a rehearsal I was supposed to attend that evening.

Tuesday - 7am jazz rehearsal. Christian's actual birthday. We dined at Chuck E Cheese and played video games. Christian announced that it was his birthday to any who would listen :-) It was a fun night.

Wednesday - There was something early am this day, but I can't remember was it was. The weather was pretty interesting this day, so upon getting home, I stayed there and read a book :-)

Thursday - GREAT jazz band rehearsal. And the day went down from there. My 6th hour class got way under my skin. Band t and Irish Tune..... remember that. Pueblo Symphony rehearsal this night from 7-9:30. This went pretty well, but the second horn player needs to look at their part a little more. Long day from 7am-11:00pm

Friday - The Annual Chili Dinner. This is a 2 part fundraiser we do. Part A - Chili Cookoff with judges and prizes. Part B - small ensemble performances. Thank goodness for the parents who helped out with this event as we had over 300 people in attendance. Kids and parents alike helped to set up which took roughly 2.5 hours with over 15 people. The dinner began at 5:30 and concluded at 8:30. It was a pretty good time. Ken's folks dropped little C off. He had a great time with the band kids and helping me draw the numbers for the door prizes. He left with his dad at 8pm with only a minor scene.

As for clean up, that was a different matter. We didn't get out of there until 10:30. Remember to review custodial contracts before the night of the event. At the end of the night I headed to Boulder for the CU Honor Band clinics and rehearsals that were already in session. One of our students made this band and it's only right ( and expected) that directors support their students. I arrived at the hotel in Boulder at 11:50. Thankfully it had the softest pillow known to man :-)

Saturday - Day on Boulder. My first time on CU campus. It was very nice. The formal activities didn't begin until 9am, so that was nice. The bands have a nice rehearsal facility and the performance hall is awesome. The guest conductors were very informative and enjoyable. That and I came to discover the town of Boulder deserves a little more time for exploration. The concert ended at 9:15 and then I headed back home.

Sunday - Housework - AND.... the couch got delivered. They wouldn't hold in until I got the apartment so Ken agreed to let me keep it here until then. Having a couch is a BIG relief. One less thing to worry about on moving day. Christian headed to a play date with an awesomely nice family with 4 6-7 year olds. These people are amazing. The printer was being a true ass as there was an empty ink cartridge and I couldn't remove it. After great frustration and a little teamwork? the cartridge came out so that I could actually replace it. I had called/emailed someone to come over and help me with that, but in retrospect it's a good thing that wasn't actually needed as a) I looked like crap today b) my house looked like crap today c) there was too much crap to do today to be any sort of pleasant company to mostly anyone. Presently, after finishing drying the sheets and watching Peter Pan with my son ( not in that order), I finish the night here with a "weekly" nightcap.

It's funny that as this week went by, I thought several times of something great to put here, but I was either too tired or busy to put in down on paper or here. When I actually got here to the computer, all I can do is summarize. Go Figure.

Round 1 down 7 to go.

Too much .... too little

Today I have suffered another round of supposedly good intention with lack of mental follow through. I think this comes from over scheduling.

Christian's grandparents organized a birthday get together ( consisiting of pizza and cake) for him on Sunday, the time unbeknownst to me. I agreed to this dinner get together about 2 weeks ago. A student of mine has a performance that he purchased tickets for me and Christian to attend the same day. Not knowing the time of the performance and thinking it to be a birthday dinner, I thought having these two activities would be manageable. When the mom of this student delivered the tickets, the concert time on the tickets read 3pm. That might work if the dinner were at five. I came to find they had scheduled the "party" for 3 also. When asking Ken if he thought this could be a lunchtime get together instead, he called his parents and "told" them to make the party for 12. Not my preferred method of handling it, but I thought it would be best if he spoke to his mom. His dad calls today saying that the party can't begin until 1 because he is playing a church job until 11:30 and then asks me why I am taking the boy away from his party..... of all adults.

I didn't know the time of the party/ meal with cake - problem #1
I didn't know the time of the concert - problem #2
I should have handled it personally and not let Ken intercede - problem #3
I should have run the meal here so as not to be affected by others schedules that I have no way of knowing about - problem #4
I have no idea how to handle last minute changes when they affect others - problem #5

Thinking that a concert may not be all that fun for a little boy, I conceded on him not going. Watching TV around a bunch of talking adults probably would be more entertaining. I can't tell the solidness of other people's plans when they happen with so little communication, but yet I didn't think to mention the concert, although my student had asked more than a week ago. I didn't think a change of the time of this meal would be a big deal since it is pizza and cake with family, but I now know I didn't give enough consideration to it.

I am so confused because I try to be, at least I think I do, as accommodating as people ask. I will move a time or do extra somethings because someone else needs it or wants it. On Thursday, Ken got put on a job for Friday. He was previously scheduled to watch Christian and I had a rehearsal. His parents were unavailable. It had all been planned. Thursday at 4 he calls to tell me he can't due to this last minute assignment and says I have to call for a babysitter. Not that he was sorry for the inconvenience or would appreciate if I called. His mother then tells me I should skip the rehearsal to stay home. Angry and hurt that my inconvenience was not even taken into the slightest account, I ended up finding a great babysitter who could do this last minute. Part of me was real angry and the other part thinking, eh, it could happen to anyone.

After this event and the aggrevation part, I again reflected on an inconvenience imposed upon another earlier in the week. Damn Karma.

The more I am treated like this, it seems the more selfish I become, almost like self preservation. Intention over thoughtfulness. This is bad.

That, in addition to scheduling things for family, job, health, and for others, I sometimes forget to consider others or see how all planned activties line up I should have gotten the times for the concert and the get-together, but was too busy to step back and see how they fit together.

And when I do something totally self serving, it seems mistimed or misplaced and causes frustration over relief, both to myself and others.

This time, I wanted to support this student as he seemed to want me to and take my son to, oh, something that reflects what I and most of his immediate family do for a living and hope to teach him to enjoy or appreciate it in some sense. Selfish. And in turn, I throw the extended family into a tizzy because pizza and cake were to be eaten at 3 and, with this poorly planned decision, I seemingly am greatly negatively affecting others schedules.

What I think I am finding is an old teacher dictum - planning should take 90% of the task. Execution only takes about 10%. Fail to plan, plan to fail. But, when you are over scheduled, you lack the time to plan.

Being a more "fly by the seat of your pants" person by nature it kills me when the only things that seem pleasant are those that have been planned. That, and I hate the fact that I seem to do the exact same things I hate when others do.

As for earlier in the week, I was looking to share some time and space in a friendly environment, not necessarily conversation and certainly not conflict. I didn't read the "bright" neon signs that the other party had neither the time nor will for either. It seemed it was my turn to be inconsiderate.

I guess this is just another life lesson.

Character in schools

Just an article to refer to for a little opinion:

Here is a link to an article in USA Today (Today 2/20): http://blogs.usatoday.com/oped/2007/02/post_48.html

3:00 am

Today was a good day. Correction: "yesterday" was a good day, for the most part. There was one episode that I could have lived without, but I think that is a feeling shared amongst all parties. So, what's the trouble?

I can't sleep right now.

Dreams. If my memory of psychology serves me, dreams are the minds way of categorizing a days events and placing them where they need to go in the mind or the time when the mind attempts to solve unresolved conflict to put it away as well. I headed to bed at 10:00 knowing I have an early morning as I do every Tuesday. So then, WHY must the brain decide to address this aforementioned episode at 3am not letting me sleep? My brain flashes back to various moments of this past event and other such times and right now, it seems it won't let me shelve it.

Come on, I do not have time for this. For the last 20 minutes, I have been flashing through this unpleasant part of yesterday to the point where I am occasionally speaking aloud trying to get my brain to drop it. Between my brain and my mouth, I say things like:

there's nothing you can do about it now; what was I supposed to do; why did I not do "that"; what should I have done; was "blank" wrong; who cares, it's 3am anyway; there's nothing you should so about it now or later; did I offend; do I make amends; what are you not getting here; you've tried to do and been very wrong in doing so; if there were something you should do, you don't know what it is and nobody wants you to do it anyway, so let it drop; it'll work itself out; forget it.

A great conversation..... really. (note venomous sarcasm)

My rational explanation I am trying to get my mind to accept is, wherever this conflict lies, there will be no solution drawn tonight, or maybe even for quite some time, so let it go. Why then does it seem my conscious ( or subconscious) mind does not believe me?

Sorry for not explicitly sharing the conflict, but that is not the point of this entry. The fact that my dreams, subconscious mind organization, whatever you call it, is working overtime at a time I'd rather it didn't is the point. I'm going to disregard the rather seeming irony of this inconvenience to the episode itself, unless my subconscious wants to explain _it's_ intentions. Payback's a bitch, especially when it is done by your own self.

So, there is this attempt to put something of this seemingly troubling situation down into visible words so that maybe this act itself will put my mind at some sort of peace, or at least in a bit of a stupor to let me get back to sleep. I can now tell myself I'll reflect on it later when I have more time. Hopefully it worked, because there's not enough time left for a sleep aid.

At least Monday was a good day.... for the most part.

Great Date

Tonight I can truly say I had a great date.

It began when I brainstormed of things to do. I had decided that I needed to go to my new apartment complex to finish some details, then I wanted to go out to dinner and a movie. I asked this one fella if he'd like to join me and he said yes. It really was not that surprizing as he also likes to go out.

So, surprizingly enough he indulged me through the apartment part, playing at the pool table in the clubhouse. When I finished my business, he challenged me to a game of shuffleboard. Since neither of us knew how to play, this proved amusing yet slightly fruitless. Needless to say, it was a tie. Then, as we stopped at the strip mall where the restaurant was located, he indulged me once again as I went into a little furniture store looking for some miscellaneous funiture. Guy in a furniture store?.... this is special. At dinner, he kindly picked out a table and allowed me to be served first. And then, after dinner, we headed to the movies where we shared a popcorn and soda, he carried the popcorn and me the soda.

It was a low pressure fun night with lots of smiles and laughs and I hope to be able to repeat it again very soon.

Yup, a great night.

Who is the special guy? Well, let me tell you he's a very smart guy with tons of personality. He's the kind of guy that doesn't take no for an answer easily.... sometimes to his deficit. His smile and laughter are contagious and, when he holds my hand all I can do is smile. And when he hugs you, he practically squeezes you to death.

The bad side.....he doesn't pay for anything.

It's ok though....because he's only 6 and I am his mom.

The restaurant - Chuck E Cheese. The movie - A Night at the Museum

A night out with my son. Best night of my week.

Goodbye Cutie

That was the name of our hamster - Cutie.

Christian named him last year. Or was it the year before? Anyway, he was our pet. Over the past week he had started to bloat, seemed to have stopped eating healthily, and had become very inactive. Also, Thursday night when he slept ( which is weird as hamsters are nocturnal), he seemed to have a little trouble breathing. All considering, I decided to take him to the vet. I think I believed they would tell me that he was old, or constipated and either give us medicine to help him recover or say that he had another month left. Thinking these things, I took Christian and the hamster to the vet, as no one else was around to watch either Christian or the hamster. I swear, I truly believed it to be an innocuous trip. Besides, he was a rodent.

We transported him in an old shoe box with bedding. He seemed to be comfortable.

We arrived at the vet's and surrendered the shoe box. After waiting about 45 minutes we were called in an exam room to speak with the doctor. She said we had the choice between two courses of action. The hamster had a nodule somewhere around his shoulder that she could feel. She could either extract some tissue and fluid from that and analyze it to see whether is was cancerous or not, or take an X-ray and see the status of his entire body. I chose the X-ray.

10 minutes later she brought back the film to show something that broke my heart. Cutie had several masses in his body. One of which was very large in the area of his heart and lungs. So large in fact it limited his breathing, explaining the labored breath and lethargy. These masses were essentially suffocating him. So, he had to be put down.

I never thought that it could hurt so bad to put a hamster down, but, again I was wrong. I thought I could detach a little bit and be strong for Christian. He was a hamster, not a pet dog that had lived with us for 12 years. Nope. I guess feelings hide themselves, or we hide them. Christian and I got to hold him for a few minutes in the doctors office before they took him away. He loved his hamster and I did too. I guess maybe it's still a little too raw to know exactly what we felt, but I knew both of us hurt. I knew my son was crying as he realized he would never see that hamster again. I had to share the experience of something dying and mourning with my son firsthand and all the feelings that go with that. He had to listen to the doctor and I explain that bringing the hamster home would be cruel and leaving him there to be given a medicine that puts him to sleep would be a good thing. I know he understood one word - die. I don't know whether it was a wise choice or not, but we didn't witness the process. I didn't think it appropriate for a 6 year old. We simply said our goodbyes.

While we were both crying, I told him that I was sorry for all this. He told me it's not my fault, but that he's going to miss Cutie. I said I would miss Cutie too and just held my boy for a little bit.

It's just hard when doing what seems to be the right thing seems to hurt everyone. At least Cutie's suffering stopped. If only we had known........

I guess, since even as I type this a few tears come and go, this may take a little while to move from. But, sometimes it is good to say goodbye.

Goodbye Cutie. We love you.

Crackers with my whine?

Today... more snow. Ugh !!! I like snow, don't misunderstand. But last year here, there were days you could wear a short sleeved shirt and be comfy. These days, I can't get up the driveway due to the ice and snow.... and lack of 4 wheeled drive.

Speaking of that, my irritation level shot through the roof once again due to the residential situation. Maybe I need to push up my move out date? The last 2 or 3 snowfalls, I have done most of the shoveling. Not a big deal, since I am the one that likes to go out and it's ok exercise. Today, I felt like being a little bit rebellious. After making sure that the bathrooms were in good shape, dishes and the laundry done, I was a little lazy. Sure the garbage can needed to be emptied, but I am not the only adult living in the house. I asked if he would take care of it, and he said he would. I left mid afternoon... well, around 1:45 for my performance. I knew I should have touched up the driveway, but like I said, I opted not too.

At about 5, I met the family ( his family and Christian) at a pizza parlor for dinner. Afterwards I drove Ken and I home. ( note that his dad drove them all there... in his 4x4 Highlander.... man I like that car)

As I started slipping like crazy
I said aloud, "I might have a little trouble getting to work tomorrow"
His reply "Man, I'm not looking forward to shoveling tomorrow".
Thinking he might be shoveling in the early am and I could help,
Me: " What time to you go to work tomorrow?"
Him, " I don't"
Me: "Guess I should have shoveled today, but I'm getting a little sick of shovelling. Might have a little trouble since the car gets stuck easy" ( honesty mixed with a passive aggressive complaint)
Him: ( this from the guy who had read the paper and watched football ALL day) "No big deal. Don't worry about getting out. It's mostly the powder stuff. I'll get to it later tomorrow"

(I interpreted that as...."Yup. Didn't shovel today cause I didn't need to. And I don't have to because you getting out safely or smoothly to work couldn't concern me less)

So as I attempt to get up the driveway... no luck. I got stuck 1/2 way. After trying a few more times to make it and growing more irritated with every try, I slam the car into gear and throw the break up, shut down the car and, probably a little too loud, announce, "Looks like a great time to shovel" His dad offered to get my car in the garage which both insulted and torked me as I just wanted to reply, "Nope. I can actually pull a car into a garage when the driveway is semi-clear. But _I_ didn't take care of that. Why don't you ask your son why he didn't? And why are YOU asking to pull my car in? That'd be a nice gesture, oh, from him. Why don't you just tell your boy to get off his MF ass and DO SOMETHING!!!!"

So, I head into the house, still steaming, to change from my concert shoes filled with snow from the driveway to change into my boots. My mother in law asked me to retrieve one of Christian's lunchboxes and hats for their house. Sure, whatever I can do to serve. Still steaming, I go into the house. Refusing to untie one boot, I attempt to shove my foot into it. Wasn't going so well. And, perhaps you have a similar experience when your fuse is fried and yet something else isn't proceeding as desired. I start lightly cursing, knowing Christian is outside and that I will have a fit of rage if something doesn't get out. And then, not yet 1 minute after asking, but most likely innocuously enough (but my feathers were way too ruffled to not infer) my current mother in law (a women who won't drive 10 miles at night and had NEVER touched a shovel in her life) follows me into the house checking on whether I got the lunchbox and hat. I said I would, and I will. I gave her the stuff and they proceeded home...thank goodness. The saddest/ greatest part is when Christian ( 6 YEAR OLD CHRISTIAN) gets his little shovel and starts to clear the driveway. I am so greatful for our little boy. But emotionally, the damage had been done. I wanted to beat the snot out of "the bum" of the house.... or run away.

I have to get out of this house. All of Ken's traits that anger or irritate me have transcended the house, and the way I feel about them I project onto other people. I can't handle getting blown off a little bit, have a hard time with judgmental people, and am just plain on edge with everything. Besides that, I can't juggle all the things work, home and child related AND try to cover the things I didn't think I needed to handle - like a cable bill in MY name that goes unpaid because I was told someone else would handle it. I guess that's like the garbage that is still in the kitchen because I asked someone else to take it out. I hope a change in environment will help.... Either that or I need a whole freaking pool of Calgon.

On a little bit of an upper, the gig went ok. I made it through without any noticeable splats and had a semblance of face at the end. It was with a new group, so it's always good to make a favorable impression. Yeah.

Thursday.....

Highlights of today? ..... Don't know :-)

Here's is a little of what happened though.

Best news of today - Christian is one day down with no hair pulling. This is BIG news. I was so happy for him and proud of him I treated him to his own Starbucks. ( who gives a 6 year old Starbucks? Uh, that would be me. Besides, I am amused when he orders himself a kids decaf mocha with no whipped cream. Give him keys and a briefcase and he's ready for the work force) Today, he agreed that he and I would share a drink and he requested a piece of pumpkin loaf in exchange. Fair enough.

This is much better after yesterday, which was a day of trauma for him. I had given him the "rice ball" to play with in class, but had not notified his teacher about it.It's not good to send a child with something that resembles a plaything and not let a teacher know what it's function is or why he has it in class. Well, this rice ball was enjoyed by several in the class including 2 girls. One of these girls ( account according to Christian) said that the ball was hers and that she made it. Christian contested, but he is not the confrontational type. Then when "Susie II" chimed in agreeing with her friend, Christian surrendered.

Later on that day, I happened to bump into his class in a main corridor. They were headed to gym and I was on the way back from yet another meeting. I saw his eyebrow was all red. We spoke and he told me he had pulled again. I asked why and he started to ball. He then shared the "rice ball incident". After calming down a little, he headed to PE and I headed to his teacher to give him the low down on the current situation and explain the rice ball. Teacher was very understanding ( he's a great guy for 1st graders). Last night, I made another rice ball and put his name on it. So, for today victory in round 1. One day at a time.

Work was fine. Nothing much to note...... no pun intended.

Home - ok, there is this game that we have on the PC called Loco. ( short for locomotive) In this low tech game, you have to shoot colored objects into the matching spots of a moving train. It sounds easy but it's a little bit of a pisser for me. I think there are 15 levels. It has taken me 5 darn days to get from 13-14. This is why I am scared to discover all this WII or PS2 -3 - whatever business. I just don't have that much time to play a game. And heaven forbid I actually like it. A student offered to have me listen to a soundtrack from one of his handheld PS something machines. The music to the closing credits was certainly impressive, but not so much as the graphics. What the hell? It was like watching a mini movie. I must sound like I am from the stone ages, but these gaming systems absolutely amaze me. And then when I actually try to play them.... I miss Pong :-).

The future - I am supposed to play a performance on Sunday. This is after taking almost 3 weeks off my instrument. For those unfamiliar, that's like running a marathon after vegging on a cruise for a month and residing close to the buffet. I am a little nervous about this one.:-) That and there is BUNKO tomorrow night. Fun game - plus there are drinks/food and a chance to win a little moolah. Never hurts.

Happy Friday.

Ahh, a Tuesday that feels like a Monday

Nah, it wasn't really all that bad.

Meeting with several superiors and finding out all the things that have to be done and are being done with and without my knowledge that wasn't so great. This week is becoming the week o' meeting. Great.

Being this is finals week, the masses were in pretty good spirits for "band" class. I guess to them at least they weren't drilling for some major final. Well, some of them actually are as we have to do a scale profeciency test - can you play the scales we've learned in class. In order to accomplish this with a little fun (maybe) I have twisted the "Deal or No Deal" game to serve my purposes. Although I caught guff for it at first, I think we have all come to like it.

There is a tack board with 16 briefcases (note cards) on it. In these briefcases there is the letter name of a scale they have to play. They must play a total of 2 scales. To begin, the students get to choose 2 and I choose one. They open their first case and decide if they want to keep it. If no, they can trade for mine. If yes, they keep it then open case 2 and decide if they want to keep that one or trade. We then see if the have made a good deal. To add a little spice, there are 3 "no scale" cards on the board. If a student draws one of these, they get full credit on a scale without playing it. These have been the coveted cards.... I mean briefcases.

All in all not a bad instructional day. I think the worst of it came as I needed to stand out in this subartic weather for afternoon carpool. It's not terrible. Most people are fairly nice and most have created a staggered time of when to pick up their children avoiding most of the car traffic onslaught. Only one or two whiny, mouthy folks today. I'll take freezing temps over mean people any day.

Other than that, Christian is still pulling out his hair. It's a little at a time, but still worrisome. My sister used to roll paper into balls with her fingers as a nervous past time. Christian seem to prefer the route of hair removal. I took him to the doctor for this. The summary - he is anxious by nature and more than likely, with the divorce, that isn't going to improve. I have to try and modify his behavior so that his first line of attack isn't his hair. Instead his attention will be directed to a "ball" I made of balloons and rice...a stress ball if you will. Hopefully this can engage his nervous energy rather than his eyelashes and eyebrows.If this worsens or goes into other areas like aggression or withdrawal, I will take him to a child therapist and last resort, medication for anxiety. I am hoping and praying this doesn't head in that direction.

Tomorrow begins the rounds of meetings at 7:15 am. Can't wait. Thank goodness this is only a four day work week. :-)

Number next.....

Rescind

If anyone reads this other than me, I deleted a previous post because it was more of a diary entry anyway. If this were like a mass publication read by readers who were totally autonomous from me, then it might be ok to share somethings. But, considering the potential viewing pool, some things need to stay on the "down low" :-)

Besides, sometimes I think feelings are shared when they've reached a boiling/ freezing point - the cause not always being able to be pinpointed to one specific event or person. And although the event referred to may have been part if the ignition, but was not the sole cause and should not have been put in the place I had it. Special days need to stay special....even in retrospect. My own rule :-)

Today, is jazz band. 7am in the freakin' morning jazz band. But, my students make it ok. We are working on the Stevie Wonder tune Superstition. Man is it hard, but they are doing a great job with it. The trombones are on high Z sharp and the saxes have these crazy hard rhythms. But then we do Satin Doll and all complain that it's a little lame. Tough crowd. We've worn out the Queen medley and Funkytown though :-)

Looking forward to a "long" day at work and a morning Starbucks. Thank goodness for Starbucks.

First girl traumas

This has been one the hardest things to witness in my son's growing up.

He, in first grade, already has this thing for having female admirers, sometimes called girlfriends. They aren't girlfriends in the 13 year old and up sense, but girlfriends none the less. His father says Christian takes after him. The humor of that is stifling.

I think he's a good catch because he's a little more gentle and sensitive than the other boys. I don't know how that bodes for the future, but all the same. He's not a rough and tumble guy. Not a fan of dodge ball or 'war' games. Likes board games and his computer. Because he actually checks to see if people are ok and yells at kids who push, he's a little different mold for a 6 year old. Fart jokes and potty humor still apply, but after meeting a few more 6 year olds, I see that's programmed for the age.

He started his dating career with Morgan, a girl from his after school daycare that keeps trying to kiss him. Ugh !!! Where am I sending this kid? And here his dad is telling him to "get some". What class!!! :-(. Christian, much to my relief, says that kisses are gross, but hugs are ok. Thank God!!!! At what age does that perception change from guys?? ( or does it depend on the girl ;-) )

Then, this past Saturday, we went to one of his classmate's birthday parties where many of the students from his class were. One of these students was Holly, a very cute little blond headed girl. Christian and she paled around for most of the party. At the end of the party, he asked for her number. Where does he get this stuff ??? Her mom was there and thought it was cute, so I didn't stop it. Christian asked when he could call and mom replied late afternoon as they went to church and wouldn't be home until then.

Today, he played computer and watched the phone. Every half hour he asked what time it was although he can read time perfectly well himself. So, the time came to call and he did. (I wish I had those guts.Have you ever just tried to figure out what you'd say only to mess it all up when you called anyway? He seemed to have none of that anxiety) Her big sister was home and reported that everyone else was out. Uh-oh. He waited a few hours and called again and still, they were not home.

Christian was upset merely for the fact that he had promised to call and felt that he had not fulfilled his promise by not talking to her. My heart was in my throat thinking that here he was getting blown off. Now, _this_ would be following in his dad's footsteps. Sorry if that sounds cruel, but even he wouldn't deny it. Heck, I'll throw my footsteps in the gene pool too.

I do realize that being a first grader, provided he was getting blown off, this "whatever" will resolve itself in a matter of weeks if not days. I know that, but I can't help but being a little sad. He, on the other hand, is oblivious. This may be part of the problem, but is very good for this first grader and will most likely be his saving grace too. Understanding too much too soon.... baaaaddd.

I think everyone has an idea of what dads think when their girls become involved in mixed gender relationships, but I had no clue what a mom feels like for a son. I think my son is the cat's meow ( not to say that I'm not fully aware he has faults) AND I know nothing in first grade is leading to the alter (or I sure hope not). But seeing my very tender hearted boy even possibly get hurt by this is crushing. Even in first grade. Crap. What is going to happen in 4th, 7th, 9th and 11th grades? Maybe he won't be so tender hearted and go into these things for other reasons. (Ok. Not thinking like that.) But to see your son actually get hurt or potentially get hurt in these matters is..... heartwrenching.

I guess dads go into these things with baseball bats and moms go in with tissues and reasons to tell the girl of the hour to eat dirt for hurting her son. The verbiage gets stronger with more advanced ages mind you.

This could get complicated. Thank goodness it's only first grade and the only things at stake are invitations to birthday parties and play dates. Perhaps we can pass all this and call them play "casual get togethers"? Too much, I know.

May they all just eat Play-Do, pop heads off of figurines, and push each other down on the way to the swing forever. Handholding?? Only if you are arm wrestling.

Must sleep, but don't want to.

I type this as I should be going to bed, since tomorrow is my first day back to work since before Christmas. With all the snow and family excitement, it hasn't been all that a relaxing break, but I guess I am ready to go back and meet my adolescent prisoners and beat them into submission. More accurately, they may beat me to declare defeat, but I digress. :-)

One of the many things that I learned or remembered over this break is that I am a night owl by nature. (another is that I am strongly inclined to procrastinate, but I'll share those revelations another time.) I do love a good sunrise and the beauty of the early morning, it's the getting out of bed part I'm not all that fond of. - not to mention the shock of the freezing air. The alarm clock knows it has a minimum of 3 rings before I have any significant response. My preference ( as I got to explore over break) is to sleep in until around 10 ( or later if the little guy is camping out with his grandparents) noodle around for an hour or so and then get moving in attempts to be productive - or at least appear to be. Then I can keep cranking until about 12-2, especially if something has caught my interest.

So here am at 11:15pm, fully aware of the fact that I need to wake up around 5:30 for a grandiose school day and I am in no way sleepy. Great :-(

I used to have the ability go to sleep at 1 and get up at 6 and be okay for the day. I could do that for at least a week. Those days, sadly, have passed. I can still do it on the short term when necessary, but only if I can guarantee a period of hibernation shortly after and with no guarantee of being anything close to sociable. I know - what a charmer.

So there are my sleep whoas being used to help me procrastinate actually getting into bed to attempt to sleep. It's truly a vicious cycle. :-)